I ate a sandwich earlier, only to fight to not puke it back up when I decided to check the swelling in the cheek... There's a nice little lump there...
I pray, I hope... I need to talk to a doctor... It's not fear of death that gets to me, because if it comes down to it, I won't lose the fight. It's the fight that scares me.
I could lose everything I hold dear, and I'd rather not suffer that much.
Furthermore, I don't have insurance... So... Yeah... You don't want to know what's going through my mind. I'm actually starting to weird myself out a little bit.
You might be thinking "Why worry, just wait until you get to a doctor and know something" Well, my brain kind of thinks lightyears ahead of the present moment... I sit and have random things pop into my head that are a year down the road, that I won't need to worry about for a year, but I have them figured out already just because.
That can be a huge blessing. At the moment though, my head is spinning and I kind of wish I could go back to sleep.
I don't care about your sandwich. I promise, I don't. What I do care about is that you post up your day 2 in November and stay quit for today. You can talk about your random stories that have no explanation, you can talk about your worried spots in your mouth, and share those worries with a bunch of other worried quitters too. Good on ya for at least posting up SOMETHING in november 09. That is your family. We will be tough on you. Don't try to reinvent the wheel. Post roll, stay quit, it works. Ask anybody on this site and they'll agree.
Heres how to post roll:
WD's HOW TO POST ROLL CALL
FOR Newbies!!!
Prestep 1 - Go to your quit group, November 2009
Step 1 - Find the last Roll Call
Step 2 - Hit the "Quote" button in the upper right hand corner.
Step 3 - Click your mouse ANYWHERE in The bottom Box
Step 4 - Hit Ctrl and "A" at the Same time so it looks like THIS
Step 5 - Hit Ctrl and "X" at the same time so there is NOTHING in Either Box
Step 6 - Click your mouse in the TOP BOX
Step 7 - Hit Ctrl and "V" at the same time to Past the info into the top box AND ADD YOUR info to the bottom of the list
Step 8 - Hit ADD REPLY below the bottom box
Step 9 - Go back to the 1st unread post, pat yourself on the back, and have a beer cause you will not be dipping today.
For a graphical representation of these instructions, please visit http://www.killthecan.org/roll/
Bump, cause you obviously haven't figured this out yet.
Thanks, brother. Now I've got it. I was quite lost there.
Still nic free.
Day by day, I keep beating it.
One of my fears has come to life though. Without nicotine, my sleep schedule has turned into a Lovecraft novel... Insanity... I can't sleep for shit. Sometimes, the only thing that will kill the craving (and this is just fucked up, since I used to always have a cigarette then ages back) is COFFEE. HUGE-ASS cup of coffee.
I do my absolute best to do that only during the day. However, even though the caffeine was out of me last night, and my fiancee had been down so I was on my feet all day, I was dead tired but couldn't sleep. I was also dead tired for another good reason...
Sidebar:
If only it happened enough... One of the sigs I read... If this were my sig, instead of saying "Caving is not an option, Do something else."
It would say "Caving is not an option, make love instead."
Amazingly, I only craved for one single moment today.
Exercise is good. I mowed well over an acre of ground with a pushmower, self-propelled, so it isn't light. I was all ready for a rage... So, I raged. "This piece of shit could not move any slower... I'm not even breaking a sweat in direct sunlight! This is fucking pointless!" So, I disengaged the drive wheels, and used my own propulsion. I ran behind that fucker. I mowed that acre of ground in under an hour, open ground, trimming, and all. I raged, and made use of my rage.
Now I am tired as shit, my entire body aches (some was from yesterday
:D but I just made it all hurt much, much worse) and even my mind is begging me for sleep, which never happens. Do I feel anywhere near able to sleep?
Answer: No.
Did I ever think that I'd be unable to sleep if I quit dipping?
Nope.
Y'know what I wish? I wish the nic bitch would pop up in human form in front of me. They would never find the nic bitch... The nic bitch would be nothing but aerosolized particles in the atmosphere.
She's like a puff of smoke in the wind. There one moment, gone the next, never staying still long enough to be caught.
But, I REFUSE to give in. Nic bitch, FUCK OFF AND DIE! F.O.A.D.
Every time I beat a craving, the nic bitch gets one lash of the whip...
I was worried that I'd cave under emotional stress, but I found out I'm just as much of a stubborn asshole as I've always been. Why cave when you can be stubborn and not cave? Why cave when, in your mind, the nic bitch is wailing and cursing you... Why cave when you can imagine that misery and take pleasure in it?
(Yes, I'm a sadistic bastard, but the nic bitch as a living thing only exists in my mind. That really doesn't make me look any nicer, does it?)
Now, to TRY to sleep. I wish I had a beer. Even before the nic bitch entered my life, I could always drink a beer and sleep in peace. Luckily for me, beer has no association with the nic bitch, since my parents basically told me I'd have a beer bottle up my asshole if ever they found me with one on their property. Lately, I haven't been able to acquire any... Maybe, when my friend comes by to hang later in the week, if I can find one, I'll enjoy it and sleep, with him around to make sure I'm alright.
Am I afraid of caving? No. For the nic bitch to win, I'd be looking at about, oh... Seven, eight, beers. By that point, all bets are off... for the moment, anyway. Eventually, my will will be unbreakable.
