Day 304 - 5/14/13
Quit Impacting life and life happening
It has been a couple of weeks since I have provided much of an update. My quit resolve is stronger than ever, not because I am such a bad ass that I can stomp on the nic bitch but because I absolutely hate the shit. I have read the Kern story so many times that I have parts of it memorized. That story touched me because I too have kids. I have missed many important events in my kids lives but now I do more for them than most fathers, much more than my father ever did.
304 days ago I had no clue that when I quit tobacco that so many facets of my life would be impacted/affected. Quitting was hard as hell for the first 200 days, with constant reminders/triggers etc. However, I promised daily that I quit and I did just that each and every day. That part was easy though. Quitting changed the ways in which I approach things, the way I eat, what I eat, my preference for drink.
I work for a relatively new company, that was formed 3 months before I decided to quit tobacco. It is a stressful industry and probably the hardest client I have ever worked for. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, she is still fighting that battle. I learned that when my father and grandfather passed that there was a little known family secret, yup I have an older brother and another sister. Never knew about either of them, and growing up with only sisters it was always my dream to have a big brother; someone to play ball with, shoot guns with, hell tell me about girls, etc. While being quit I stayed quit, because as other have said that was one problem (OK maybe a few "one problems") but adding nicotine or tobacco only adds another.
The man I looked up to my entire life lied to me through omission; the man that I strived every day to have the honor, integrity, abilities and work ethic. Yeah, it would have been nice to know about my brother, but now I think what if my brother is a douche? What if dad was ashamed of me? What if there are others? Then I would read the Kern story and realize that no matter what the past is it cannot be rewritten. All that I can do is live each day knowing that every choice I make affects my kids. I want to be there to watch them each graduate, watch them become adults, watch them become parents, watch them learn for themselves that life has the possibility of being great, you just have to make decisions that can keep you on the path to greatness. I promise each and every day to be here for them, to be ready to support them when they need it, to be here to teach them when they ask and to be here to scare away any boy that decides to date my daughter.
As for my "other brother and sister" well someday I am going to track them down, find out where they live and reach out to them. As for dad, well man I forgive you; I wish I would have heard the words form you in lieu of reading them, but at the same time you lost the opportunity to tell me and I still love you. My kids well I love all three of you, and I am here, still quit and ready to live. I recommend that you fathers on here read Kern's story and imagine that you are the one on the hospital bed or headed for the pine box and think through what you would think looking down upon that.
P
