This day started as badly as day 2-5. But somehow at the end of it, day 6, I am feeling pretty damn good. I think I am feeling good because I know this quit is different than the dozens of "quits" that came before. I could give you 100 reasons why this quit is different but here are 2.
1. I found a lifeline.
I am not alone. On day 1 and 2, I cried out for it, and knew I needed help and support. On day 3, I stumbled upon it. Thank God for KTC. For the 1st time in many, many years I have hope. WAIT, hold that thought, hope is not the right word. For the first time in many years, I FEEL CAPABLE!! Wow, what a feeling, I CAN do this, I WILL do this. Which brings me to reason #2.
2. The door is shut.
Just like that. It is done, it has been decided, do or die. I never thought of it that way until I starting reading on this site. So many little clichés but they all say the same thing. "do or not do, there is no try", Yoda. I love it, it is simple but profound. This is my quit, only I can fuck it up. I used to blame my triggers when I failed. This time failure is NOT an option. "Do something else". "never again, not for any reason", "this is life or death".
Now I do realize that it is far simpler in the "saying" than it is the "doing. But I am on my way. Now I just need to get in here everyday, and reaffirm the quit. Thank you to all who helped me the last few days. You are all a bunch of bad asses in my book. Ryan (Got2Happen).