Quitter, here. Day 1

[gladitsnotheroine]

I've been on the road all day and had a lot of time to think. Here's what I've come up with: It's my day 7 today, haven't been nic free this long since mid 90's. I feel like an abused spouse. Husband I guess, of a really tough bitch, that physically abused me for a long time. I'd keep going back, taking the abuse, for whatever complicated reason. Last week, that bitch hit me. I hung my head low, she cracked a smile like she knew she won again. Instead, I faced her and delivered a straight right fist right to HER FUCKING FACE. She went down and cried. Moved out even, that very same night. She's still calling me, emailing me, texting me. Instinctively in the morning, I lean over to give her a kiss in bed, but she's gone. At first I feel a little tinge of "disappointment"....but is that really what it is? When I come home from work, I expect to see her making dinner for me, then I remember I knocked her the fuck out and she left. For a second, is that disappointment I feel? No, I don't think so. It's a hole in me, yes, but not disappointment. Hopefully she'll stop calling as often, but I doubt it. Sometime long in the future, she'll look me up on facebook or some shit and send me a message. Old feelings will come back. I know it's going to take a long time. I know I'm never going to be "fixed". I know I'm an addict, and this is my new reality. Thanks Scowick for helping me realize this. I'm addicted to that abusive bitch. She can call all she wants, even stop by asking to come in for coffee, but she will NEVER be welcome in my house again. I will NEVER let her back in my house....at least not today.

Well said, thanks for sharing. I needed to read this this morning.

[DennyX]

Today is day 61. Thinking about that almost brings tears to my eyes, I never thought I'd be able to make 7 days, let alone 53. And I feel strong today. Like all quitters here, I've had a really rough road since my last post. I was a closet dipper, or ninja as they call our kind here on KTC. On Day 20, I told my wife that I had been lying to her for 6 years. That was not a pretty conversation but I owed it to her and our marriage. I owed it to my quit to shine the light on my secret as brightly as I can. I “knew” she was going to leave me. She didn’t. She is my #1 supporter now. Thank you kdip for your wise words and encouragement....I cursed your name off and on for the first two weeks, but I think it’s been at least a week since I’ve dropped your name and an f-bomb in the same sentence.

IÂ’ve had random bouts of emotional break downs. Depression? I donÂ’t know, never experienced this before. They last 2-4 days then everything is good for a week. Then we repeat. Right now I happen to be on day 2(?) of a funk and hopefully it gets better soonÂ….That has been the most difficult part o f my quit since about day 25 is the emotional side of it.

Every day QUIT is amazing to me and I know it would be impossible without the support I found here. Thank you everyone that has been part of my quit. From foggy newbies to vets, to my wife who chose to fight with me instead of walking away, you have all had an incredible impact on my quit. NOW WILL THIS FUNK JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!? ItÂ’s a speed bump in my quit and I donÂ’t like it!

[Scowick65]

I've been on the road all day and had a lot of time to think.  Here's what I've come up with: It's my day 7 today, haven't been nic free this long since mid 90's.  I feel like an abused spouse.  Husband I guess, of a really tough bitch, that physically abused me for a long time.  I'd keep going back, taking the abuse, for whatever complicated reason.  Last week, that bitch hit me.  I hung my head low, she cracked a smile like she knew she won again.  Instead, I faced her and delivered a straight right fist right to HER FUCKING FACE.  She went down and cried.  Moved out even, that very same night.  She's still calling me, emailing me, texting me.  Instinctively in the morning, I lean over to give her a kiss in bed, but she's gone.  At first I feel a little tinge of "disappointment"....but is that really what it is?  When I come home from work, I expect to see her making dinner for me, then I remember I knocked her the fuck out and she left.  For a second, is that disappointment I feel?  No, I don't think so.  It's a hole in me, yes, but not disappointment.  Hopefully she'll stop calling as often, but I doubt it.  Sometime long in the future, she'll look me up on facebook or some shit and send me a message.  Old feelings will come back.  I know it's going to take a long time.  I know I'm never going to be "fixed".  I know I'm an addict, and this is my new reality.  Thanks Scowick for helping me realize this.  I'm addicted to that abusive bitch.  She can call all she wants, even stop by asking to come in for coffee, but she will NEVER be welcome in my house again.  I will NEVER let her back in my house....at least not today.

Nice turning point. Well done. You are getting your cranium back now that the chemicals are being flushed out of your system. When she calls in the future, humiliate her, she will call less often. Remember, she is a killer. A Killer.

Now, help every other abused spouse that wants help. You will see yourself objectively each time you help another. It will strengthen your quit.

On behalf of Denny and quitters everywhere. 'Finger' you nic.

[Souliman]

Right on bro. Glad you see there is a "you" outside that relationship. That was my struggle. I too had such a long career of ingesting chemicals that I wondered "who the hell am i?" without that stuff. Glad you are seeing your independence. Cultivate that shit. Own it.

One day at a time.

[DennyX]

I've been on the road all day and had a lot of time to think. Here's what I've come up with: It's my day 7 today, haven't been nic free this long since mid 90's. I feel like an abused spouse. Husband I guess, of a really tough bitch, that physically abused me for a long time. I'd keep going back, taking the abuse, for whatever complicated reason. Last week, that bitch hit me. I hung my head low, she cracked a smile like she knew she won again. Instead, I faced her and delivered a straight right fist right to HER FUCKING FACE. She went down and cried. Moved out even, that very same night. She's still calling me, emailing me, texting me. Instinctively in the morning, I lean over to give her a kiss in bed, but she's gone. At first I feel a little tinge of "disappointment"....but is that really what it is? When I come home from work, I expect to see her making dinner for me, then I remember I knocked her the fuck out and she left. For a second, is that disappointment I feel? No, I don't think so. It's a hole in me, yes, but not disappointment. Hopefully she'll stop calling as often, but I doubt it. Sometime long in the future, she'll look me up on facebook or some shit and send me a message. Old feelings will come back. I know it's going to take a long time. I know I'm never going to be "fixed". I know I'm an addict, and this is my new reality. Thanks Scowick for helping me realize this. I'm addicted to that abusive bitch. She can call all she wants, even stop by asking to come in for coffee, but she will NEVER be welcome in my house again. I will NEVER let her back in my house....at least not today.

[DennyX]

gmann, that rocks. I really like the analogy and story, thanks for giving me something to consume my thoughts this evening. Every word here is a breath of fresh air for a two day old....

[loot]

Good shit gmann. Good shit.

Loot ain't no damned sissy tho.

[G]

Day 2 solidly underway.  I slept like shit last night, maybe two or three hours.  Despite not sleeping well at all, there’s noticeably less fog today, although it’s still hanging over my head a little. I’ve never gone through any kind of physical withdrawal before, and I’m surprised at how much my body is responding as it tries to readjust to reality.  I’m less scared today, that’s good.   I’m certain that I can make today, I feel it in my soul.  It’s going to be a fight but I’ve got that deep down feeling that I’m going to make it to bedtime tonight.  This reminds me of tag I played as a little kid, we would have a “home base” where you were safe and could take a breather.  In this messed up game of trying to quit, bedtime is my home base.  It signifies the end of one fight, one more victory, and one more fight to come.  It’s a breather (well, last night wasn’t), and I can’t wait for it to come tonight.  I’m not quite having fun “slapping that nic bitch around” yet, but it’s reassuring that others are. 
Ace – you’re talking my language, I love it.  This is a fight for our lives, and it’s a brother that cares that will talk tough.  I appreciate every word.  You read my mind about QSX, I was wondering what that stood for.  Thanks, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
CC – thanks for the offer, I will reach out.  I’ve snooped around the chat room a little yesterday, hopefully can spend more time there today/this weekend.  Looking forward to one more day, I can’t believe I’m on day 2.  I feel like shit! …but somewhere here I read that’s my body adjusting.  That’s awesome!

Denny

I really like what you just wrote about home base. It reminds me of something Smokeyg wrote:

...This is why we post roll every day. The only finish line is when I fall asleep every night. The race starts fresh the next morning with my morning roll call. I'll only be beat when I think I can't be beat.

In summary. Post roll everyday, every morning....one day at a time.

You are wise. Let me know if you need any help.

As addicts, we have the sisyphean task of quitting day by day.

"In Greek mythology, Sisyphus was a king punished by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this throughout eternity. The word 'sisyphean' means 'endless and unavailing, as labor or a task.'" (from somewhere on the interwebs, Wiki, I think). I always say my job is a sisyphean task, but the quote above made me realize that it applies to addiction as well.

In order to be quit, we have to start pushing our boulder first thing every morning, just like ol' Sisyphus. For some tasks in our life, we're done after reaching the top of the hill each day. But our addict boulder inevitably rolls back down the hill at the end of each day. Since we will never be cured, we're confronted each day with the choice of battling the addiction (rolling our boulder) or giving up. If you've posted roll, and given your word, then the only choice you have for that day is to start pushing.

Even though we never make progress and the boulder winds up in the same place we started, there is some good news. Our daily push gets easier as we build our muscles by making ourselves accountable and requesting/accepting help and support from others.

Denny, sorry to hijack your intro thread with my random thoughts. Just remember that you're an addict, that what you're going through right now is worth the price and that you don't ever want to be that guy again. You know, the one who worried about when he'd be able to get his next fix from a can of chopped up weeds. I'm stronger than that tin. And so are you. Good to be quit with you.

[nicofiend]

That's awesome.  In an otherwise shitty day, Loot just made me laugh out loud and almost wake up my daughter.  Welcome to the suck?  Thanks, glad to be here with like minded brothers and sistas.  That's good advice though, I hadn't thought about it like that.  This shit is necessary, so we have some lasting memories of what a slave we were (are?) to that piece of shit weed!  Right now I want this more than anything else I've ever fought for, and I can't believe it's just a weed that is CONSUMING me.

Welcome to September 2011 brother! And I don't know who bumped you on RC this am, but it wasn't me, lol. I checked out your profile and we're about the same age, so I figured I drop a dime on you and see if there was anything I could do to strengthen your quit. This is my first time using this site for my quit and it has helped a fucking TON. It took me 18 years of stuffing my face to realize that nicotine INVADES every aspect of your being, every inch of your soul.

Be forewarned, this is not for pussies, these guys (and gals) are one of the most hardcore group of people I've ever interacted with, but they're committed to their quits and committed to each other and that's part of why this works. The more you read on here the more you'll understand the lingo, ie 'welcome to the suck'...which is definitely NOT a fun place to be, but it DOES get better, a lot better. QSXtreme= quit-site extreme (that one took me a little while to figure out, lol), and there's also a QSLite (quitsmokeless.org) which is for total pussies and basically lets you justify your willingness to let the nic bitch control your life until you're ready to grab your sack and do the right thing. And every addict knows what the right thing is, you quit NOW, not later, fucking NOW. Then you get up tomorrow, deal with the fog, and quit again. Then you get up the next day and quit again.

Use the chat room here to rage in, everyone here understands, don't take it out on your family and friends, you did this to yourself. PM me if you need anything, you can ABSOLUTELY do this. Read as much on here as you can, it will only reinforce your quit.

AceInTheHole

NO better words said ACE!!

[Scowick65]

Day 2 solidly underway.  I slept like shit last night, maybe two or three hours.  Despite not sleeping well at all, there’s noticeably less fog today, although it’s still hanging over my head a little. I’ve never gone through any kind of physical withdrawal before, and I’m surprised at how much my body is responding as it tries to readjust to reality.  I’m less scared today, that’s good.   I’m certain that I can make today, I feel it in my soul.  It’s going to be a fight but I’ve got that deep down feeling that I’m going to make it to bedtime tonight.  This reminds me of tag I played as a little kid, we would have a “home base” where you were safe and could take a breather.  In this messed up game of trying to quit, bedtime is my home base.  It signifies the end of one fight, one more victory, and one more fight to come.  It’s a breather (well, last night wasn’t), and I can’t wait for it to come tonight.  I’m not quite having fun “slapping that nic bitch around” yet, but it’s reassuring that others are. 
Ace – you’re talking my language, I love it.  This is a fight for our lives, and it’s a brother that cares that will talk tough.  I appreciate every word.  You read my mind about QSX, I was wondering what that stood for.  Thanks, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
CC – thanks for the offer, I will reach out.  I’ve snooped around the chat room a little yesterday, hopefully can spend more time there today/this weekend.  Looking forward to one more day, I can’t believe I’m on day 2.  I feel like shit! …but somewhere here I read that’s my body adjusting.  That’s awesome!

Denny

I really like what you just wrote about home base. It reminds me of something Smokeyg wrote:

...This is why we post roll every day. The only finish line is when I fall asleep every night. The race starts fresh the next morning with my morning roll call. I'll only be beat when I think I can't be beat.

In summary. Post roll everyday, every morning....one day at a time.

You are wise. Let me know if you need any help.

[jmag]

Day 2 solidly underway. I slept like shit last night, maybe two or three hours. Despite not sleeping well at all, there’s noticeably less fog today, although it’s still hanging over my head a little. I’ve never gone through any kind of physical withdrawal before, and I’m surprised at how much my body is responding as it tries to readjust to reality. I’m less scared today, that’s good. I’m certain that I can make today, I feel it in my soul. It’s going to be a fight but I’ve got that deep down feeling that I’m going to make it to bedtime tonight. This reminds me of tag I played as a little kid, we would have a “home base” where you were safe and could take a breather. In this messed up game of trying to quit, bedtime is my home base. It signifies the end of one fight, one more victory, and one more fight to come. It’s a breather (well, last night wasn’t), and I can’t wait for it to come tonight. I’m not quite having fun “slapping that nic bitch around” yet, but it’s reassuring that others are.
Ace – you’re talking my language, I love it. This is a fight for our lives, and it’s a brother that cares that will talk tough. I appreciate every word. You read my mind about QSX, I was wondering what that stood for. Thanks, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
CC – thanks for the offer, I will reach out. I’ve snooped around the chat room a little yesterday, hopefully can spend more time there today/this weekend. Looking forward to one more day, I can’t believe I’m on day 2. I feel like shit! …but somewhere here I read that’s my body adjusting. That’s awesome!

Denny

You posted roll today. You are quit for today. It's as simple as that. There is no try or think once you posted roll. You are quit for today if your word means anything. Remember this feeling so you don't go back to it. Feel free to pm me if you need anything. Posting roll is the most important thing you can do everyday. Keep your word. Repeat.

[DennyX]

Day 2 solidly underway. I slept like shit last night, maybe two or three hours. Despite not sleeping well at all, there’s noticeably less fog today, although it’s still hanging over my head a little. I’ve never gone through any kind of physical withdrawal before, and I’m surprised at how much my body is responding as it tries to readjust to reality. I’m less scared today, that’s good. I’m certain that I can make today, I feel it in my soul. It’s going to be a fight but I’ve got that deep down feeling that I’m going to make it to bedtime tonight. This reminds me of tag I played as a little kid, we would have a “home base” where you were safe and could take a breather. In this messed up game of trying to quit, bedtime is my home base. It signifies the end of one fight, one more victory, and one more fight to come. It’s a breather (well, last night wasn’t), and I can’t wait for it to come tonight. I’m not quite having fun “slapping that nic bitch around” yet, but it’s reassuring that others are.
Ace – you’re talking my language, I love it. This is a fight for our lives, and it’s a brother that cares that will talk tough. I appreciate every word. You read my mind about QSX, I was wondering what that stood for. Thanks, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
CC – thanks for the offer, I will reach out. I’ve snooped around the chat room a little yesterday, hopefully can spend more time there today/this weekend. Looking forward to one more day, I can’t believe I’m on day 2. I feel like shit! …but somewhere here I read that’s my body adjusting. That’s awesome!

Denny

[Cancrusher]

Welcome Denny! Congrats on the best decision of your life!

Hey. I'm Quit with you today. Isn't that awesome? What else could a guy want? I like to think that you are finally manning up and putting your hands back on the 'wheel' of your life.

It sucks for a while.

It gets better.

Take what you can from the good days and leave the rest.

Hey, guess what else. No one in here is superhuman, well maybe except for LooT, and we've all been able to do this. This is the 388th day in a row that I've been able to do this. I'm no one special. I'm just like you. A guy who wanted that crap out of my life. A guy who wanted to be in control of his destiny. A guy who didn't want his wife to bury him with a can in his pocket.

Hit me up if you need anything. I hang out in chat. You should join us in there sometime.

CC

[AceInTheHole]

That's awesome.  In an otherwise shitty day, Loot just made me laugh out loud and almost wake up my daughter.  Welcome to the suck?  Thanks, glad to be here with like minded brothers and sistas.  That's good advice though, I hadn't thought about it like that.  This shit is necessary, so we have some lasting memories of what a slave we were (are?) to that piece of shit weed!  Right now I want this more than anything else I've ever fought for, and I can't believe it's just a weed that is CONSUMING me.

Welcome to September 2011 brother! And I don't know who bumped you on RC this am, but it wasn't me, lol. I checked out your profile and we're about the same age, so I figured I drop a dime on you and see if there was anything I could do to strengthen your quit. This is my first time using this site for my quit and it has helped a fucking TON. It took me 18 years of stuffing my face to realize that nicotine INVADES every aspect of your being, every inch of your soul.

Be forewarned, this is not for pussies, these guys (and gals) are one of the most hardcore group of people I've ever interacted with, but they're committed to their quits and committed to each other and that's part of why this works. The more you read on here the more you'll understand the lingo, ie 'welcome to the suck'...which is definitely NOT a fun place to be, but it DOES get better, a lot better. QSXtreme= quit-site extreme (that one took me a little while to figure out, lol), and there's also a QSLite (quitsmokeless.org) which is for total pussies and basically lets you justify your willingness to let the nic bitch control your life until you're ready to grab your sack and do the right thing. And every addict knows what the right thing is, you quit NOW, not later, fucking NOW. Then you get up tomorrow, deal with the fog, and quit again. Then you get up the next day and quit again.

Use the chat room here to rage in, everyone here understands, don't take it out on your family and friends, you did this to yourself. PM me if you need anything, you can ABSOLUTELY do this. Read as much on here as you can, it will only reinforce your quit.

AceInTheHole

[PbKid]

Right now I want this more than anything else I've ever fought for, and I can't believe it's just a weed that is CONSUMING me.

Keep that attitude and you will go far! This MUST be the most important thing in your life.

I remember how bad I wanted it because it was my first post. You've got the right attitude. Now get yer balls out and get it done.