End of the lurk

[Chaotique]

I had not used nicotine for almost 20 years and then.. about 4 years ago I bought a few cigars in Ensenada while on a short cruise. Instantly my daily habit had returned.  I was careful to shower and wash my clothes every time I smoked.  Nobody, except for my posting here on KilltheCan, knows that I use nicotine.  I wanted to wean myself off of smoking.  I tried snorting and swallowing tobacco in an attempt to wean myself off of smoking, but I was still hooked.  I did have a few anxiety filled breaks.  I think the longest was about a month.  The last time I stopped was in September.  I think it was about a week.  I read posts on KilltheCan and considered joining a role call...but after a week of lurking I jumped back into using.  I have been wanting to stop.  Somehow this afternoon I went into some kind of automatic mode, dumping the stash in the disposal, destroying paraphernalia and dumping it in the trash with the used kitty litter.  But I know from previous attempt that the obsession to return to tobacco will return.  This time, though, I am posting an introduction and have added my name to the roll call.  I found time to use.  I can find time to check in daily.

I have 25 years of sobrietyâ€"not using alcohol or other drugsâ€"except nicotine.  Accountability can help keep me clean.