KTC before IKM

[CTF]

I am an addict...

I'm told that is the first step, but I have known that for quite some time now. I'll give you the short version of my story as I am sure there are many like it on this forum. I started at the ripe old age of 16, my first Varsity Baseball tournament and thus my initiation. On the long bus ride to the site of the tournament as was tradition the rookie had to shoe horn as much of a can as he could, the amount he could cram in and hold in was a measuring contest of sorts. Then at every practice thereafter a small rub in the lip was common place, then after every meal, then before long all the time.

Dip is/was perfectly socially acceptable in a small Texas town especially among the Baseball players, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. Then came the Military, I actually quit for the first time i going through training. Then as my liberties were restored and I had earned a modicum of respect, I was walking to do anything but be in the barracks when I heard the familiar TAP TAP TAP of finger against tin and I was in again.

Dip is/was perfectly socially acceptable in the Military especially among the NCO's, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. After a few tours I eventually left the Military, I would continue to be a stereotype it would seem as I chose to pursue Law Enforcement. I had plenty of experience at that point though so I knew how to conceal my chewing habit, knew how to spot another of my kind as well. I made friends quickly, and always had a gas station coffee cup near by which no one ever questioned working the graveyard shift.

Dip is/was mostly socially acceptable in Law Enforcement especially among the night-shift, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. Except now I have a family, and I hide my not-so socially accepted habit like the heroin junkies I constantly run into in the middle of the night. I started noticing myself sneaking off after meals for a pinch and to get the first few harsh spits out of the way before rejoining everyone thinking no one is the wiser. I found new ways to conceal and disguise my addiction from changing the container and where I would keep it, to using pouches so I could say I was taking supplements/medication. All the usual tricks I had seen the dopers use, I knew secretly I was just like them only my addiction was legal.

I knew my days were numbered as a dipper, I couldn't keep doing this to my beautiful wife. The financial cost of rising Tobacco prices at a can a day, slinking off away from friends and family, and knowing that if I didn't quit that Cancer was only a matter of time. I was going to quit, just not today. I told myself that for a few years, and I did quit a few times. I had plans and patches and pouches and gums etc.

I went to the Dentist yesterday, my wife noticed I hadn't been in 3 years so naturally it was less a suggestion than an order at this point. I went knowing the inevitable conversation that would happen, and then the Dentist stopped. He re-asked a lot of questions and told me I had two unusual bumps on the side of my tongue. Now i have to schedule a biopsy, and I wonder just how long I have left.

My wife was at work all day yesterday, and I sat alone contemplating my mortality. When she got home we did the usual recap of our days, I really did not want to tell her. We agreed long ago that we would not lie to each other and it is one promise I will never break, no matter how painful. So I try tell her about my follow up and mention two small bumps on my tongue...

I no sooner get those words out then I hear the clink of her fork on her plate. I look over and see her face and my heart actually breaks knowing what I have done to her. She of course wants to know every detail, when is the follow up, etc. etc. etc. I knew about KTC, I have even visited and read some posts a few times. It is not exactly easy realizing that I have been dipping longer than I haven't in my lifetime so far. I actually threw in a pouch after I left, because I have no idea how to deal with life without nicotine. Which led me to a "NO S#!T STUPID"  moment that has been long overdue.

We went to bed like normal and I have yet to sleep. I was contemplating quitting before I went to the dentist, thought maybe i could use those nicotine patches to ween myself off.

I can live without Nicotine or I can not live with it. I am and always will be an Addict.

My newly found plan, as I sit awake not being able to sleep, is to actually commit to the process. Post and reply on KTC, use fitness along with a David Goggins inspired mentality to suffering through pain, and to finally beat my deepest demon every single day.

Here's to suffering, its always more fun with others.

Kill The Can before It Kills Me.

Welcome @Failtrocity   Great job posting roll. Wake up, piss, and post first thing every day that you will stay nicotine free for the day. Repeat the process the following day. Only focus on today. We will deal with tomorrow when it gets here. Quitting sucks for a while and then it doesn’t. Suggest you make connections with fellow quitters as those life lines are very valuable. You can do this and we are here to help. One key item. You need to quit for yourself, not for your wife. You have to want to be quit or it will be very difficult to stay clean. Shoot me a message if I can be of assistance.

Thank you for sharing your story.  It was very candid, and more significantly, honest.  We must first be honest with ourselves about the effects of our addiction to tobacco, and from that honesty the truth then is made manifest.  It is that that newly discovered lense of truth that allows us to see that we had been lied to. 

With this intro, you are off to a strong start to this journey - and it is a journey.  For many, including myself, it is a journey to an discovered life of being dip free. 

We at KTC will come across as assholes at times, but know that we have sincere intent in helping you overcome the bitch...

So, here's a big ol' glass of Kool-Aid.  Bottoms up.

BMC 1076

@Failtrocity Firefighter here...with many cops in the family.  Truthfully, didn't think I could make it through a tour without a dip.  Have a similar story to yours.  432 days today for me.  You can do this if you take it in small chunks and just grind away.  We'll be here to push.  Hold the line brother

@Failtrocity
I have a similar story to yours.  Highschool baseball, Legion ball, then college baseball, then the military and all the while a dip in my face. God how invincible I thought I was but in reality I was just plain stupid. I kept doing it and doing it for sadly too long. I ultimately get married, the wife knew I dipped and begged me to quit before we were married. Did I? Of course not. It took 25 years of me lying to her that I had quit only to get caught and get the verbal beat down like a schoolboy taking his lumps and then rinse and repeat for 25 years. 25 fucking stupid years of sneaking off so I could get my fix, trying to hide it from her all the while she knew what was going on. Until finally one day I got up enough real courage, call it a moment of clarity, to say enough I am done and here I am quit at 115 days. It is so liberating to not have a dip in.

If I could pass anything on to you being a newish quitter if you really have it set in your mind to quit you will succeed. It won't be fun at first but 7 days turns to 14 days and then 21 days etc, etc, etc. As the weeks pass you build up momentum and confidence and all of a sudden you make it to your 1st major milestone of 100 days. I tell myself just keep leaning forward and take another step or another day in this case. Keep moving forward away from the addiction. Put your mind to it that you are done, it's over, no more. That resolution in your quit will help you get over the physical and psychological bullshit games nicotine plays on you as you go forward.

If you need anything please reach out and I am there to help. You got this. Stay strong and you too soon will be a quitter.

Cheers,

CTF

[EXBEARHAG]

I am an addict...

I'm told that is the first step, but I have known that for quite some time now. I'll give you the short version of my story as I am sure there are many like it on this forum. I started at the ripe old age of 16, my first Varsity Baseball tournament and thus my initiation. On the long bus ride to the site of the tournament as was tradition the rookie had to shoe horn as much of a can as he could, the amount he could cram in and hold in was a measuring contest of sorts. Then at every practice thereafter a small rub in the lip was common place, then after every meal, then before long all the time.

Dip is/was perfectly socially acceptable in a small Texas town especially among the Baseball players, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. Then came the Military, I actually quit for the first time i going through training. Then as my liberties were restored and I had earned a modicum of respect, I was walking to do anything but be in the barracks when I heard the familiar TAP TAP TAP of finger against tin and I was in again.

Dip is/was perfectly socially acceptable in the Military especially among the NCO's, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. After a few tours I eventually left the Military, I would continue to be a stereotype it would seem as I chose to pursue Law Enforcement. I had plenty of experience at that point though so I knew how to conceal my chewing habit, knew how to spot another of my kind as well. I made friends quickly, and always had a gas station coffee cup near by which no one ever questioned working the graveyard shift.

Dip is/was mostly socially acceptable in Law Enforcement especially among the night-shift, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. Except now I have a family, and I hide my not-so socially accepted habit like the heroin junkies I constantly run into in the middle of the night. I started noticing myself sneaking off after meals for a pinch and to get the first few harsh spits out of the way before rejoining everyone thinking no one is the wiser. I found new ways to conceal and disguise my addiction from changing the container and where I would keep it, to using pouches so I could say I was taking supplements/medication. All the usual tricks I had seen the dopers use, I knew secretly I was just like them only my addiction was legal.

I knew my days were numbered as a dipper, I couldn't keep doing this to my beautiful wife. The financial cost of rising Tobacco prices at a can a day, slinking off away from friends and family, and knowing that if I didn't quit that Cancer was only a matter of time. I was going to quit, just not today. I told myself that for a few years, and I did quit a few times. I had plans and patches and pouches and gums etc.

I went to the Dentist yesterday, my wife noticed I hadn't been in 3 years so naturally it was less a suggestion than an order at this point. I went knowing the inevitable conversation that would happen, and then the Dentist stopped. He re-asked a lot of questions and told me I had two unusual bumps on the side of my tongue. Now i have to schedule a biopsy, and I wonder just how long I have left.

My wife was at work all day yesterday, and I sat alone contemplating my mortality. When she got home we did the usual recap of our days, I really did not want to tell her. We agreed long ago that we would not lie to each other and it is one promise I will never break, no matter how painful. So I try tell her about my follow up and mention two small bumps on my tongue...

I no sooner get those words out then I hear the clink of her fork on her plate. I look over and see her face and my heart actually breaks knowing what I have done to her. She of course wants to know every detail, when is the follow up, etc. etc. etc. I knew about KTC, I have even visited and read some posts a few times. It is not exactly easy realizing that I have been dipping longer than I haven't in my lifetime so far. I actually threw in a pouch after I left, because I have no idea how to deal with life without nicotine. Which led me to a "NO S#!T STUPID"  moment that has been long overdue.

We went to bed like normal and I have yet to sleep. I was contemplating quitting before I went to the dentist, thought maybe i could use those nicotine patches to ween myself off.

I can live without Nicotine or I can not live with it. I am and always will be an Addict.

My newly found plan, as I sit awake not being able to sleep, is to actually commit to the process. Post and reply on KTC, use fitness along with a David Goggins inspired mentality to suffering through pain, and to finally beat my deepest demon every single day.

Here's to suffering, its always more fun with others.

Kill The Can before It Kills Me.

Welcome @Failtrocity   Great job posting roll. Wake up, piss, and post first thing every day that you will stay nicotine free for the day. Repeat the process the following day. Only focus on today. We will deal with tomorrow when it gets here. Quitting sucks for a while and then it doesn’t. Suggest you make connections with fellow quitters as those life lines are very valuable. You can do this and we are here to help. One key item. You need to quit for yourself, not for your wife. You have to want to be quit or it will be very difficult to stay clean. Shoot me a message if I can be of assistance.

Thank you for sharing your story.  It was very candid, and more significantly, honest.  We must first be honest with ourselves about the effects of our addiction to tobacco, and from that honesty the truth then is made manifest.  It is that that newly discovered lense of truth that allows us to see that we had been lied to. 

With this intro, you are off to a strong start to this journey - and it is a journey.  For many, including myself, it is a journey to an discovered life of being dip free. 

We at KTC will come across as assholes at times, but know that we have sincere intent in helping you overcome the bitch...

So, here's a big ol' glass of Kool-Aid.  Bottoms up.

BMC 1076

@Failtrocity Firefighter here...with many cops in the family.  Truthfully, didn't think I could make it through a tour without a dip.  Have a similar story to yours.  432 days today for me.  You can do this if you take it in small chunks and just grind away.  We'll be here to push.  Hold the line brother

[BluManChew]

I am an addict...

I'm told that is the first step, but I have known that for quite some time now. I'll give you the short version of my story as I am sure there are many like it on this forum. I started at the ripe old age of 16, my first Varsity Baseball tournament and thus my initiation. On the long bus ride to the site of the tournament as was tradition the rookie had to shoe horn as much of a can as he could, the amount he could cram in and hold in was a measuring contest of sorts. Then at every practice thereafter a small rub in the lip was common place, then after every meal, then before long all the time.

Dip is/was perfectly socially acceptable in a small Texas town especially among the Baseball players, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. Then came the Military, I actually quit for the first time i going through training. Then as my liberties were restored and I had earned a modicum of respect, I was walking to do anything but be in the barracks when I heard the familiar TAP TAP TAP of finger against tin and I was in again.

Dip is/was perfectly socially acceptable in the Military especially among the NCO's, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. After a few tours I eventually left the Military, I would continue to be a stereotype it would seem as I chose to pursue Law Enforcement. I had plenty of experience at that point though so I knew how to conceal my chewing habit, knew how to spot another of my kind as well. I made friends quickly, and always had a gas station coffee cup near by which no one ever questioned working the graveyard shift.

Dip is/was mostly socially acceptable in Law Enforcement especially among the night-shift, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. Except now I have a family, and I hide my not-so socially accepted habit like the heroin junkies I constantly run into in the middle of the night. I started noticing myself sneaking off after meals for a pinch and to get the first few harsh spits out of the way before rejoining everyone thinking no one is the wiser. I found new ways to conceal and disguise my addiction from changing the container and where I would keep it, to using pouches so I could say I was taking supplements/medication. All the usual tricks I had seen the dopers use, I knew secretly I was just like them only my addiction was legal.

I knew my days were numbered as a dipper, I couldn't keep doing this to my beautiful wife. The financial cost of rising Tobacco prices at a can a day, slinking off away from friends and family, and knowing that if I didn't quit that Cancer was only a matter of time. I was going to quit, just not today. I told myself that for a few years, and I did quit a few times. I had plans and patches and pouches and gums etc.

I went to the Dentist yesterday, my wife noticed I hadn't been in 3 years so naturally it was less a suggestion than an order at this point. I went knowing the inevitable conversation that would happen, and then the Dentist stopped. He re-asked a lot of questions and told me I had two unusual bumps on the side of my tongue. Now i have to schedule a biopsy, and I wonder just how long I have left.

My wife was at work all day yesterday, and I sat alone contemplating my mortality. When she got home we did the usual recap of our days, I really did not want to tell her. We agreed long ago that we would not lie to each other and it is one promise I will never break, no matter how painful. So I try tell her about my follow up and mention two small bumps on my tongue...

I no sooner get those words out then I hear the clink of her fork on her plate. I look over and see her face and my heart actually breaks knowing what I have done to her. She of course wants to know every detail, when is the follow up, etc. etc. etc. I knew about KTC, I have even visited and read some posts a few times. It is not exactly easy realizing that I have been dipping longer than I haven't in my lifetime so far. I actually threw in a pouch after I left, because I have no idea how to deal with life without nicotine. Which led me to a "NO S#!T STUPID"  moment that has been long overdue.

We went to bed like normal and I have yet to sleep. I was contemplating quitting before I went to the dentist, thought maybe i could use those nicotine patches to ween myself off.

I can live without Nicotine or I can not live with it. I am and always will be an Addict.

My newly found plan, as I sit awake not being able to sleep, is to actually commit to the process. Post and reply on KTC, use fitness along with a David Goggins inspired mentality to suffering through pain, and to finally beat my deepest demon every single day.

Here's to suffering, its always more fun with others.

Kill The Can before It Kills Me.

Welcome @Failtrocity   Great job posting roll. Wake up, piss, and post first thing every day that you will stay nicotine free for the day. Repeat the process the following day. Only focus on today. We will deal with tomorrow when it gets here. Quitting sucks for a while and then it doesn’t. Suggest you make connections with fellow quitters as those life lines are very valuable. You can do this and we are here to help. One key item. You need to quit for yourself, not for your wife. You have to want to be quit or it will be very difficult to stay clean. Shoot me a message if I can be of assistance.

Thank you for sharing your story.  It was very candid, and more significantly, honest.  We must first be honest with ourselves about the effects of our addiction to tobacco, and from that honesty the truth then is made manifest.  It is that that newly discovered lense of truth that allows us to see that we had been lied to. 

With this intro, you are off to a strong start to this journey - and it is a journey.  For many, including myself, it is a journey to an discovered life of being dip free. 

We at KTC will come across as assholes at times, but know that we have sincere intent in helping you overcome the bitch...

So, here's a big ol' glass of Kool-Aid.  Bottoms up.

BMC 1076

[GS9502]

@Failtrocity, I'm with you, buddy. I know this look:

I look over and see her face and my heart actually breaks knowing what I have done to her.

I got that same look a few days before I quit when I told my wife I had a bump on my gum. It turned out to be nothing but some sinus issues, but it had the effect it needed to have. The bump wasn't what got me to quit, though. It was that look and her eyes, seeing our life together flash by because of my addiction. Then imagining having to tell our kids. That's what did it for me.

And that was 203 days ago; that's how long I've been quit. If you've never stopped before, you're in for a shitstorm of ups, downs, and everything in between, compounded by the stress of your worry. I see that you say you "quit" a few times. No, you didn't. You stopped for a while. There is a difference. Plans, pouches, patches - they aren't worth a shit if you aren't committed. That's where KTC comes in. No, we can't force you to commit, but once you make your promise, we'll hold you accountable. Problems come and go. Stress happens. Remember this, though, no matter what: 1 Problem + Nicotine = 2 Problems. That's why this is a cold turkey site. Throw all of that shit in the trash, and come with your Word.

And remember this, too. As much as you love your wife, you can't make this about her. This HAS TO BE ABOUT YOU - Your life, Your quit, Your health. That way, when the shit gets really hard, and it will, you can't throw anything off on her. You're not saving her life; you're saving your own.

Drink tons of water. Post your promise every day. You did it right today; do it again tomorrow. ODAAT (One Day At A Time) you'll get through this. You may call yourself "Failtrocity" right now, but you'll be wanting to change that name. Commit to this formula, my friend: Brotherhood + Accountability = Success.

I've sent you a private message with my digits. They're good 24/7, 365. Trade your digits with other quitters in your group. That December bunch is getting as hard as diamonds, so you'll be in good company, and you'll need them. You mention the demon in your post. Well, the Nicodemon is real. The Nicbitch will try to seduce you every single day. You will find strength in the numbers here, my friend. We'll break your balls so you don't break your Word. Get hard, and stay hard.

Here's to your Quit!
GS9502 - 203 QLAMF ODAAT EDD!

[Zombo Funk]

I knew my days were numbered as a dipper, I couldn't keep doing this to my beautiful wife. The financial cost of rising Tobacco prices at a can a day, slinking off away from friends and family, and knowing that if I didn't quit that Cancer was only a matter of time. I was going to quit, just not today. I told myself that for a few years, and I did quit a few times. I had plans and patches and pouches and gums etc.

@Failtrocity you pretty much summed up the 2 or 3 years leading into my quit. I was buying 1 can at a time since 2016, hoping that I'd make the right choice. Well it took 4 more years but I'm quit now, and I'm proud to be quit with you as well. I think you'll be surprised at how much quitting impacts your mental health in a positive way, not just physical. I know I was.

As an aside, you seem like a good writer. I'm looking forward to future posts!

[Keith0617]

I am an addict...

I'm told that is the first step, but I have known that for quite some time now. I'll give you the short version of my story as I am sure there are many like it on this forum. I started at the ripe old age of 16, my first Varsity Baseball tournament and thus my initiation. On the long bus ride to the site of the tournament as was tradition the rookie had to shoe horn as much of a can as he could, the amount he could cram in and hold in was a measuring contest of sorts. Then at every practice thereafter a small rub in the lip was common place, then after every meal, then before long all the time.

Dip is/was perfectly socially acceptable in a small Texas town especially among the Baseball players, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. Then came the Military, I actually quit for the first time i going through training. Then as my liberties were restored and I had earned a modicum of respect, I was walking to do anything but be in the barracks when I heard the familiar TAP TAP TAP of finger against tin and I was in again.

Dip is/was perfectly socially acceptable in the Military especially among the NCO's, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. After a few tours I eventually left the Military, I would continue to be a stereotype it would seem as I chose to pursue Law Enforcement. I had plenty of experience at that point though so I knew how to conceal my chewing habit, knew how to spot another of my kind as well. I made friends quickly, and always had a gas station coffee cup near by which no one ever questioned working the graveyard shift.

Dip is/was mostly socially acceptable in Law Enforcement especially among the night-shift, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. Except now I have a family, and I hide my not-so socially accepted habit like the heroin junkies I constantly run into in the middle of the night. I started noticing myself sneaking off after meals for a pinch and to get the first few harsh spits out of the way before rejoining everyone thinking no one is the wiser. I found new ways to conceal and disguise my addiction from changing the container and where I would keep it, to using pouches so I could say I was taking supplements/medication. All the usual tricks I had seen the dopers use, I knew secretly I was just like them only my addiction was legal.

I knew my days were numbered as a dipper, I couldn't keep doing this to my beautiful wife. The financial cost of rising Tobacco prices at a can a day, slinking off away from friends and family, and knowing that if I didn't quit that Cancer was only a matter of time. I was going to quit, just not today. I told myself that for a few years, and I did quit a few times. I had plans and patches and pouches and gums etc.

I went to the Dentist yesterday, my wife noticed I hadn't been in 3 years so naturally it was less a suggestion than an order at this point. I went knowing the inevitable conversation that would happen, and then the Dentist stopped. He re-asked a lot of questions and told me I had two unusual bumps on the side of my tongue. Now i have to schedule a biopsy, and I wonder just how long I have left.

My wife was at work all day yesterday, and I sat alone contemplating my mortality. When she got home we did the usual recap of our days, I really did not want to tell her. We agreed long ago that we would not lie to each other and it is one promise I will never break, no matter how painful. So I try tell her about my follow up and mention two small bumps on my tongue...

I no sooner get those words out then I hear the clink of her fork on her plate. I look over and see her face and my heart actually breaks knowing what I have done to her. She of course wants to know every detail, when is the follow up, etc. etc. etc. I knew about KTC, I have even visited and read some posts a few times. It is not exactly easy realizing that I have been dipping longer than I haven't in my lifetime so far. I actually threw in a pouch after I left, because I have no idea how to deal with life without nicotine. Which led me to a "NO S#!T STUPID"  moment that has been long overdue.

We went to bed like normal and I have yet to sleep. I was contemplating quitting before I went to the dentist, thought maybe i could use those nicotine patches to ween myself off.

I can live without Nicotine or I can not live with it. I am and always will be an Addict.

My newly found plan, as I sit awake not being able to sleep, is to actually commit to the process. Post and reply on KTC, use fitness along with a David Goggins inspired mentality to suffering through pain, and to finally beat my deepest demon every single day.

Here's to suffering, its always more fun with others.

Kill The Can before It Kills Me.

Welcome @Failtrocity   Great job posting roll. Wake up, piss, and post first thing every day that you will stay nicotine free for the day. Repeat the process the following day. Only focus on today. We will deal with tomorrow when it gets here. Quitting sucks for a while and then it doesn’t. Suggest you make connections with fellow quitters as those life lines are very valuable. You can do this and we are here to help. One key item. You need to quit for yourself, not for your wife. You have to want to be quit or it will be very difficult to stay clean. Shoot me a message if I can be of assistance.

[Failtrocity]

I am an addict...

I'm told that is the first step, but I have known that for quite some time now. I'll give you the short version of my story as I am sure there are many like it on this forum. I started at the ripe old age of 16, my first Varsity Baseball tournament and thus my initiation. On the long bus ride to the site of the tournament as was tradition the rookie had to shoe horn as much of a can as he could, the amount he could cram in and hold in was a measuring contest of sorts. Then at every practice thereafter a small rub in the lip was common place, then after every meal, then before long all the time.

Dip is/was perfectly socially acceptable in a small Texas town especially among the Baseball players, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. Then came the Military, I actually quit for the first time i going through training. Then as my liberties were restored and I had earned a modicum of respect, I was walking to do anything but be in the barracks when I heard the familiar TAP TAP TAP of finger against tin and I was in again.

Dip is/was perfectly socially acceptable in the Military especially among the NCO's, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. After a few tours I eventually left the Military, I would continue to be a stereotype it would seem as I chose to pursue Law Enforcement. I had plenty of experience at that point though so I knew how to conceal my chewing habit, knew how to spot another of my kind as well. I made friends quickly, and always had a gas station coffee cup near by which no one ever questioned working the graveyard shift.

Dip is/was mostly socially acceptable in Law Enforcement especially among the night-shift, and acceptance by our peers is paramount during that period of life. Except now I have a family, and I hide my not-so socially accepted habit like the heroin junkies I constantly run into in the middle of the night. I started noticing myself sneaking off after meals for a pinch and to get the first few harsh spits out of the way before rejoining everyone thinking no one is the wiser. I found new ways to conceal and disguise my addiction from changing the container and where I would keep it, to using pouches so I could say I was taking supplements/medication. All the usual tricks I had seen the dopers use, I knew secretly I was just like them only my addiction was legal.

I knew my days were numbered as a dipper, I couldn't keep doing this to my beautiful wife. The financial cost of rising Tobacco prices at a can a day, slinking off away from friends and family, and knowing that if I didn't quit that Cancer was only a matter of time. I was going to quit, just not today. I told myself that for a few years, and I did quit a few times. I had plans and patches and pouches and gums etc.

I went to the Dentist yesterday, my wife noticed I hadn't been in 3 years so naturally it was less a suggestion than an order at this point. I went knowing the inevitable conversation that would happen, and then the Dentist stopped. He re-asked a lot of questions and told me I had two unusual bumps on the side of my tongue. Now i have to schedule a biopsy, and I wonder just how long I have left.

My wife was at work all day yesterday, and I sat alone contemplating my mortality. When she got home we did the usual recap of our days, I really did not want to tell her. We agreed long ago that we would not lie to each other and it is one promise I will never break, no matter how painful. So I try tell her about my follow up and mention two small bumps on my tongue...

I no sooner get those words out then I hear the clink of her fork on her plate. I look over and see her face and my heart actually breaks knowing what I have done to her. She of course wants to know every detail, when is the follow up, etc. etc. etc. I knew about KTC, I have even visited and read some posts a few times. It is not exactly easy realizing that I have been dipping longer than I haven't in my lifetime so far. I actually threw in a pouch after I left, because I have no idea how to deal with life without nicotine. Which led me to a "NO S#!T STUPID"  moment that has been long overdue.

We went to bed like normal and I have yet to sleep. I was contemplating quitting before I went to the dentist, thought maybe i could use those nicotine patches to ween myself off.

I can live without Nicotine or I can not live with it. I am and always will be an Addict.

My newly found plan, as I sit awake not being able to sleep, is to actually commit to the process. Post and reply on KTC, use fitness along with a David Goggins inspired mentality to suffering through pain, and to finally beat my deepest demon every single day.

Here's to suffering, its always more fun with others.

Kill The Can before It Kills Me.