Well...here I am. 48 years old. Born in the heart of Tobacco Country in the early 70s (Think Jesse Helms...), smoking from 12-ish to 40 and dipping for the last 8 years or so because my wife wouldn't marry a smoker.
Last Friday, the realization that "tobacco sucks" finally hit me like a bag of rocks. What the fuck am I doing? I've failed at quitting numerous times and every failed attempt has caused me to use even more tobacco on the comeback, with quitting efforts further and further apart.
For the first time, all at once I am angry, embarrassed, depressed and scared. What the f**k have I done? All of a sudden quitting is a "have to", not a "need to" or "should". Has the damage been done?
For the first time, I've asked someone for help (this is big). For the first time I'm doing it for me. For the first time, I'm seeing the selfishness towards my wife and children who depend on me for so many different things. For the first time I'm realizing I'm almost 50 and this is where the consequences of living hard start to show up.
Since Friday, I've dipped one time, for a job interview on Monday, and that was very calculated so I wouldn't freak-the-fuck-out. Since then, I have not dipped again and will not. I've also slept/wrestled some 12 hour nights, missed 2 days of work, cried in my wife's lap for an hour when I told her what was going on and how big of an A-hole I've been. And how I've fought these demons my entire life and how nobody really understands addiction except the addicted (and the medical professionals who can help).
My withdrawals are demons screaming, howling, chasing, grabbing, pulling but I'm finally ready to fight. I don't know why this time is different but I am able to elevate my conscious mind above my withdrawals. Although they are painful, I own these demons. They don't own me. This was a big a-ha for me and luckily I realized and documented this thought on Friday afternoon before withdrawal symptoms started.
I also wrote a one-clause contract with myself, including date and signature and posted on the wall in my office (for only me to see). "I am not going to use Tobacco!" I write and use contracts professionally and have never broken one and don't plan to break this one either.
Physical symptoms are white spots on my uvula and a dry throat with hoarseness, all of which are signs of throat cancer in the early stages. I've scheduled an appointment with an ENT next week.
I'm also looking for a therapist for hypnosis or another form of mental re-wiring therapy.
I'm scared as shit but I own this, all of it. And I'm taking control now.
Thanks for hearing me.
Best,
Greg
