Day 5 of the umpteenth try

[stillbrewing]

Well...here I am.  48 years old.  Born in the heart of Tobacco Country in the early 70s (Think Jesse Helms...),  smoking from 12-ish to 40 and dipping for the last 8 years or so because my wife wouldn't marry a smoker.

Last Friday, the realization that "tobacco sucks" finally hit me like a bag of rocks.  What the fuck am I doing?  I've failed at quitting numerous times and every failed attempt has caused me to use even more tobacco on the comeback, with quitting efforts further and further apart. 

For the first time, all at once I am angry, embarrassed,  depressed and scared.  What the f**k have I done? All of a sudden quitting is a "have to", not a "need to" or "should". Has the damage been done?

For the first time, I've asked someone for help (this is big). For the first time I'm doing it for me.  For the first time, I'm seeing the selfishness towards my wife and children who depend on me for so many different things. For the first time I'm realizing I'm almost 50 and this is where the consequences of living hard start to show up.

Since Friday, I've dipped one time, for a job interview on Monday,  and that was very calculated so I wouldn't freak-the-fuck-out. Since then, I have not dipped again and will not.  I've also slept/wrestled some 12 hour nights, missed 2 days of work, cried in my wife's lap for an hour when I told her what was going on and how big of an A-hole I've been.  And how I've fought these demons my entire life and how nobody really understands addiction except the addicted (and the medical professionals who can help). 

My withdrawals are demons screaming, howling, chasing, grabbing, pulling but I'm finally ready to fight.   I don't know why this time is different but I am able to elevate my conscious mind above my withdrawals.  Although they are painful, I own these demons.  They don't own me.  This was a big a-ha for me and luckily I realized and documented this thought on Friday afternoon before withdrawal symptoms started. 

I also wrote a one-clause contract with myself, including date and signature and posted on the wall in my office (for only me to see).  "I am not going to use Tobacco!"  I write and use contracts professionally and have never broken one and don't plan to break this one either.   

Physical symptoms are white spots on my uvula and a dry throat with hoarseness, all of which are signs of throat cancer in the early stages.  I've scheduled an appointment with an ENT next week.

I'm also looking for a therapist for hypnosis or another form of mental re-wiring therapy. 

I'm scared as shit but I own this, all of it.  And I'm taking control now. 

Thanks for hearing me. 

Best,
Greg

Impressive intro @Greg.  You did a better job describing how I felt when I started than I did at that time.  The guys that have responded speak the truth and WILL have your back throughout this process and beyond.  Their expectations may be harsh at times.  You may take offense to their tactics...their blunt delivery of a message we all need to hear.  Take it in stride.  KNOW that they/we are here for YOU.  If you follow their lead, you WILL be successful.  My history is very similar to yours.  I never thought I'd make it this far and here I am...458 days FREE!!!  It sucked and still F'ing blows at times but it gets more reasonable as you stack days.  You can push through this.  We got your back. Pls PM me if you would like my number.  Hold the line brother.

~HAG

@Greg
If you like contracts, print out The Contract To Give Up."
It's been posted above my desk at work for 317 days now.  Kinda 'slap you in face back to reality' when the addict mind starts creeping in.

[EXBEARHAG]

Well...here I am.  48 years old.  Born in the heart of Tobacco Country in the early 70s (Think Jesse Helms...),  smoking from 12-ish to 40 and dipping for the last 8 years or so because my wife wouldn't marry a smoker.

Last Friday, the realization that "tobacco sucks" finally hit me like a bag of rocks.  What the fuck am I doing?  I've failed at quitting numerous times and every failed attempt has caused me to use even more tobacco on the comeback, with quitting efforts further and further apart. 

For the first time, all at once I am angry, embarrassed,  depressed and scared.  What the f**k have I done? All of a sudden quitting is a "have to", not a "need to" or "should". Has the damage been done?

For the first time, I've asked someone for help (this is big). For the first time I'm doing it for me.  For the first time, I'm seeing the selfishness towards my wife and children who depend on me for so many different things. For the first time I'm realizing I'm almost 50 and this is where the consequences of living hard start to show up.

Since Friday, I've dipped one time, for a job interview on Monday,  and that was very calculated so I wouldn't freak-the-fuck-out. Since then, I have not dipped again and will not.  I've also slept/wrestled some 12 hour nights, missed 2 days of work, cried in my wife's lap for an hour when I told her what was going on and how big of an A-hole I've been.  And how I've fought these demons my entire life and how nobody really understands addiction except the addicted (and the medical professionals who can help). 

My withdrawals are demons screaming, howling, chasing, grabbing, pulling but I'm finally ready to fight.   I don't know why this time is different but I am able to elevate my conscious mind above my withdrawals.  Although they are painful, I own these demons.  They don't own me.  This was a big a-ha for me and luckily I realized and documented this thought on Friday afternoon before withdrawal symptoms started. 

I also wrote a one-clause contract with myself, including date and signature and posted on the wall in my office (for only me to see).  "I am not going to use Tobacco!"  I write and use contracts professionally and have never broken one and don't plan to break this one either.   

Physical symptoms are white spots on my uvula and a dry throat with hoarseness, all of which are signs of throat cancer in the early stages.  I've scheduled an appointment with an ENT next week.

I'm also looking for a therapist for hypnosis or another form of mental re-wiring therapy. 

I'm scared as shit but I own this, all of it.  And I'm taking control now. 

Thanks for hearing me. 

Best,
Greg

Impressive intro @Greg.  You did a better job describing how I felt when I started than I did at that time.  The guys that have responded speak the truth and WILL have your back throughout this process and beyond.  Their expectations may be harsh at times.  You may take offense to their tactics...their blunt delivery of a message we all need to hear.  Take it in stride.  KNOW that they/we are here for YOU.  If you follow their lead, you WILL be successful.  My history is very similar to yours.  I never thought I'd make it this far and here I am...458 days FREE!!!  It sucked and still F'ing blows at times but it gets more reasonable as you stack days.  You can push through this.  We got your back. Pls PM me if you would like my number.  Hold the line brother.

~HAG

[Zeus]

"I also wrote a one-clause contract with myself, including date and signature and posted on the wall in my office (for only me to see).  "I am not going to use Tobacco!"  I write and use contracts professionally and have never broken one and don't plan to break this one either. "

That's what daily roll call is: a contract... a contract to yourself, and us, that you will not use nicotine for 24 hours. Your word has to mean everything. Put everything into it.

"I... have never broken one and don't plan to break this one either."

Better is: I have never broken one and will not break this one either. Don't give yourself any room for failure. Failure is not an option when quit.

Welcome!

[Athan]

Glad you're here Greg. Read up on the addiction - knowledge is power, ignorance is terribly expensive. You sound motivated and serious. The fact that you've exchanged digits with Warpig and have already made contact shows you to be on the right trajectory for success. Keep it up, be as relentless in your quit as you were in your addiction and you'll find success. One Day At A Time.
IQWYT

[BluManChew]

That was an awesome intro @Greg !  You pretty much nailed what a lot of us felt when we finally had to grab ourselves by the balls and give up the tin.

You got this! 

BMC 1091 - Jan 18 Group

[MN_Engineer]

Thanks guys. That makes sense.  I'll count from the 28th.  I wasn't going to wait for Monday to quit because I don't have a history of successfully hitting those planned dates....but knew I had to manage my demons for the interview.  Good news, is I've stayed off the nic since that. 

Wanting to send a shout our to @WarPig for talking me through a moment of anxiety and fog. A nice 20 minute text exchange was a great distraction.

Literally the thing i am most excellent at without trying.

distracting people!

This type of accountability and brotherhood early on is critical for lasting success. Kind of gives me some quit wood 

Keep up the solid quit guys!!

[Warpig]

Thanks guys. That makes sense.  I'll count from the 28th.  I wasn't going to wait for Monday to quit because I don't have a history of successfully hitting those planned dates....but knew I had to manage my demons for the interview.  Good news, is I've stayed off the nic since that. 

Wanting to send a shout our to @WarPig for talking me through a moment of anxiety and fog. A nice 20 minute text exchange was a great distraction.

Literally the thing i am most excellent at without trying.

distracting people!

[Greg]

Thanks guys. That makes sense.  I'll count from the 28th.  I wasn't going to wait for Monday to quit because I don't have a history of successfully hitting those planned dates....but knew I had to manage my demons for the interview.  Good news, is I've stayed off the nic since that. 

Wanting to send a shout our to @WarPig for talking me through a moment of anxiety and fog. A nice 20 minute text exchange was a great distraction. 

[canofbeans]

Welcome Greg you can do this.  One day at a time.

28 Sept was your last dip, correct?  If so then that is your day 1...it is the way we count it here...day 1 is the day you decided to quit and the last day you ingested nicotine in any form.  That would make today, 1 Oct, your day 4.  Keep it up!

[Greg]

Thanks Stranger999.  You're technically correct.  But since it was planned as part of my plan, I'll stick with my story. 

[Stranger999]

Greg, if you dipped on Monday then today would your day 2.  That said I'm glad you've found your way over here.   

[Thefranks5]

Welcome Greg and like Warpig said this is your best decision. My best advice would be to start posting your promise in January with your name, days quit and a short promise like NNT. Here is the link to that page https://ktcforum.org/index.php?topic=16725.0 Just read the directions and do your best but don't worry if you screw up somebody will catch it and direct you to the proper spot. Definitely give yourself time to read as much as you can and check out the other months rolls to see how they do it. Your going to be in for a long ride but we are here for ya. We do what we call WUPP here, Wake Up, Post and Piss then this gets you into the normal routine of things. Post your promise everyday and reach out to others to help and for help. Share your digits but only thru pms and not anywhere else. I will tell you one thing is to EMBRACE THE SUCK and take it as a rite of passage to never want to do it again. Many more will be reaching out to you and except all advice. Need anything let me know and if you want to share digits send me a pm. Stay strong, stay quit and God bless you brother.

[Warpig]

@Greg  you got this, digits sent for text support.

[Greg]

Thank you Warpig.  Taking advantage of getting my thoughts out on here instead of on my family.  I need to be strong through this.  As you know, you can get help, but you walk alone.

[Warpig]

We are here for you greg, best decision you've ever made as well as the hardest