(deep breath)
I had a talk with a friend tonight who told me basically posting is like a healing process. I'm healing through writing and when I keep that inside I don't benefit from it and neither do you. Most of the time I think - who to hell cares what I am thinking? Or if I even make sense at whatever topic I'm talking about. When all I need to do is tell my brain to shut up and post with my heart. (laugh)
I usually have alot on my plate at once but there are times I need to realize I am not superwoman .. heck I'm not even close to being supermom or superwife for that matter. I do get an A for trying my absolute best. (I think) My children and husband are MY EVERYTHING! It's when we have bad times somehow someway we tend to take it out on them. It's not our intentions but we hurt the ones we love the most. That's whats been happening lately.
I'm tired of fighting! I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm tired to trying to look or feel "happy" so others won't question me. I'm tired of being happy but then someone stating wow! I thought you were depressed. It's a constant cycle and well I am drained. Next week my youngest son and I go see a specialist and tested for bipolar disorder. Last year, I lied to my doctor about my emotions and moods. I was scared. I didn't want anyone telling me "oh hey .. by the way you're a NUT." But I am so tired of feeling the way I do .. the ups and downs ... constantly in motion .. these moods and emotions sometimes within hours of each other are sufficating me. I need help! I only hope Matthew really doesn't go through the same cycle of moods as I have been going through for years. I can't begin to tell you what it's doing to me and then to feel helpless because of your child. My husband is totally bonkers with it all. He has absolutely no patience.
Bipolar disorder (manic depression) is a psychiatric condition defined by extreme, often inappropriate, and sometimes unpredictable moods. These moods can occur on a spectrum ranging from debilitating depression to unbridled mania. Individuals suffering a bipolar disorder generally experience fluid states of mania, hypomania or what is referred to as a mixed states in concert with clinical depression. These clinical states typically alternate with a normal range of mood, which is termed euthymia. Bipolar disorder can range in severity from a mild annoyance to a serious lifelong disability, and is often difficult to diagnose due to the complex nature of the disorder. It has been suggested that many individuals may go undiagnosed their entire lives.
There are many variations of this disorder. Moods can change quickly (4 or more times in one year) or more slowly. In psychiatric terms, this is called rapid cycling or slow cycling, respectively. Ultrarapid cycling, where moods change several times per week (or even day), is very rare, but certainly a real variant of the disorder. These mood patterns are associated with distress and disruption, and a relatively high risk of suicide.
Bipolar disorder is usually treated with medications and/or therapy or counseling.
Some studies have suggested a significant correlation between creativity and bipolar disorder. The disorder is found in an incredible number of people with creative talents. However, the relationship between the the disorder and creativity is still very unclear.[1][2][3] One study indicated increased striving for, and sometimes obtaining, goals and achievements.[4]
Maybe someone out there knows what I am talking about. Anyways, I wrote this poem tonight and would like to share it with you.
My Disasterous Happily Ever After
The pages within this book maybe torn and grey
but written here are the words to you I'd like to say.
If pain of yesterday only makes us stronger for tomorrow.
then why is it I feel I'm a burden whenever I have sorrow?
At times I see the saddness I bring to your eyes
and by reading these words there should be no surprise.
What if loving me is your downfall, your disaster
and this fairy tale ending isn't really happily ever after?
You need to know you're my world, my absolute treasure
But I'm scared of the day my touch has no pleasure.
Am I making sense with these words that I write?
I'm tired of this war between us. I'm tired of this fight.
Sometimes I want to vanish, to just simply disappear
but the warmth of your smile that's what keeps me here.
So what if loving me is your downfall, your disaster
and this fairy tale ending isn't really happily ever after?
At this moment if you had the chance to do it over again.
Would I still be your love? Could you still call me friend?
Within the pages of our past and present, the future begins to unfold
through the eyes of our children's children our story written shall be told.
Of a sensitive woman who held her feelings and had some doubt
in what the meaning of true love was really all about.
You see, the pages within this book maybe torn and grey
but written here are the words to you I'd like to say.
Remember within this journey we'll always experience great pleasures and terrible disasters
but as long as I'm traveling with you, there'll be fairy tale endings and even happier ever afters.
Written By © Nicole Lynch
May 30, 2007
btw - thanks for the talk chewy!
