I posted this at the other site but I forgot to here after I posted roll today! Just to give you somewhat of an update.
Matthew and I return to the specialist today. Matt begs not to go. I can't blame him since he has been to so many. I just try to reassume him and hope that he'll trust in me. To know that I love him with every breath that I take. But still he gets mad at me. My other two boys get upset because of the time it takes away from them. Needless to say I'll update you after todays appointment. I do have to say that there has been some improvement with the medications but there has also been a downfall to that.
When you have a positive - a negative follows close by. Such is life, right? If we didn't have those little bumps in life to overcome then we would never gain the strength, determination or willpower to overcome the large mountains within our future or the wisdom to help others.
See what you get when I start rambling. (laughs) None of that probably makes sense to some since you don't know my circumstances. But take the last little part of my message with you because it will help in your quit!
Thank you for all your prayers!
mylilsecret
Day 313
Tonight:
My son's anxiety controls every moment of his life. It's every sad to watch something so precious go through complete hell. Whenever I say specialist actually I am referring to a psychiatrist - for both Matthew and I. It's hard to comprehend the fact the we both are dealing with this. When I say Matthew's has anxiety out of control. I'm talking that I can never be too far out of his sight. If I am within another room, I can always hear him calling for me, "Mom - you still there?" He can not close the bathroom door. I can not close my bedroom door. If we go any where he is constantly asking how long it will take. (Normal for a 9 year old, right?) But with Matt it's every few minutes because he is worried that he is going to miss out on something. If my gas is low, he will repeat several times to me, "Mom, please get gas." "Mom, you really need to get gas." We have never ran out of gas so I don't understand him worrying about that. It has affected him at school. Constantly asking about where I am. If I'll come get him after school. His brother is in the same class. If Tyler goes to the bathroom at school, he'll want to know where he is at. He is always in a state of panic that he can not focus on daily living, smiling or just being a kid. It's very hard for him to make friends or keep friends. They don't know how to react when Matthew gets upset and goes into a rage or cries/whines over the simplest of things. We've tried all kinds of meds. Some gave him extreme phobias especially of bugs. Some made him talking about how he didn't want me to kill him. Still others gave him the impulsiveness to try and jump out of my van while going 60 mph telling me he wanted to go into the woods. It's stressing. It's tiring. It's confusing. It's down out right draining.
I'm not sure if you are aware of bipolar. It's extremely hard to put into words the constant roller coaster of emotions. It's hard going through it myself but to watch my sweetheart go through such turmoil is so heartbreaking.
A little over 6 weeks ago, I came to my lowest of all lows. When this usually happens I have thoughts of death and not being here but this one time I felt I was at rock bottom. I didn't want to go on anymore. I wanted to end it all. I called several people from the site but no one was answering but then again it was 1:30 in the morning. I finally got ahold of Mikey from Killer's group. Hell, I even called Killer. Mikey though calmed me down. He just listened to me and didn't make judgements. He gave me some hope that leaving this world wouldn't do any good - not for my boys, my husband, family or friends. I would leave my son to go through this disorder by himself. It was my wake up call. My marriage which has had it's share of ups and downs like many go through, actually is at it's breaking point. My husband believes I can fix myself. That Matthew can fix himself. It's all about mind over matter. Just like with he said with my addiction to smokeless tobacco. I can't make him believe something that he doesn't believe exists. Before my quit he would say, "You can quit this crap. You're not addicted. You are weak." I've went to the library and gotten books. One even for his point of view. It's called "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder." He won't even pick it up. I'm so very tired. I'm so drained. My boys either have a happy outgoing mother or a lifeless piece of crap of a human being. I can't imagine having to live with me. The stress I must put on my husband and boys.
Like I said, it's hard for me to put into words the emotions one goes through with this disorder. When a normal person is happy, my emotion is extremely happy to the point that's out of control with no consequences. I spend money on things I don't need. I am extremely sexually. I feel beautiful, seductive. I feel so positive I could tackle the world. I have so many ideas and I take on extra projects because I feel euphoric. It's over the top. I don't sleep. I simply can't. During these times I might get 2 to 3 hours sleep and wake up ready to take on the world again. This will happen for 3 to 4 days before finally my body gives out. On the other end when someone is sad over something maybe even mildly depressed, I feel as if my world is crashing down on me. I feel ugly. I feel like the worst mother in the world because I can't even get out of bed in order to fix supper, clean house or play with my boys. I go to work and try the fake smile but there are times that I just can't cover it up. I withdraw from family and friends. I withdraw from things that I love like writing or reading. I withdraw from this site. I just want the pain to go away. I just want to disappear.
There are few stages bipolar, I have mixed cycles or rapid cycling. I could go through two extreme emotions within a couple of weeks.
I started my mood stablizer 6 weeks ago. Today they increased the dosage. I'm still emotional but I can honestly say I feel a difference. I'm also on an antidepressant. A low dose as not to put me into a manic episode. I have to take my ADHD medication still. Once the Dr. can get my moods somewhat under control then he'll wean me slowly off it. If I have trouble with impulsiveness, not being able to focus, etc. Then I'll go back on that medication. Which basically will mean I have ADHD and bipolar. It's rare but it does occur within some individuals. He told me that my childhood abuse had nothing to do with this. This disorder wasn't creating the way I was brought up. I have a mental chemical imbalance and will have to take medication the rest of my life. That's the part that is hard, because when you feel good, .. you think wow! I don't need this I can stop .. I'm doing good. But I've been down that road before and it doesn't work that way. The tiring part is that Matt is going through the very same events as I. I didn't mean to write such a lengthy message but I haven't really ever talked totally about it until now.
Not sure if any want to even hear my little problems .. I understand there are so many that are less fortunate than I but still it's very hard to deal with on your own.
You feel lonely.
Very lonely.
Always,
Nickie
