I just don't understand it. I completely don't. I am so hurt right now. I honestly am! You all need to LISTEN to me really really good ... do you HEAR me?
I'm not here to make anyone give excuses or to make anyone feel badly for caving but don't you realize we are ALL in this together. When you take that first dip back into your mouth. You are actually saying to me. I don't give a shit about my quit or your quit. I don't give a shit about you or how my caving is going to affect you or make you feel. I want to be selfish and do this for me.
Well, there are other people that ... I am sorry .. that fucking count on you. Like ME! I need YOU to show me YOU can DO this because in return it shows ME I CAN do this.
When you cave it not only makes me so very upset to the point that I cry. Yes, I actually freaking cry sometimes I sob because whether you believe it or not I care about you and your life. Whether you care about it or not - I do! I don't want you to succumb to this deadly disease. This sickness. I don't know why people .. my friends .. choose smokeless tobacco over life .. over the others on this site. I can't put judgement on you. You are and will always be my friend. Just remember your actions speak louder than words. Your actions have consequences not just for you but others that count on you.
Others, like myself - have struggles just like you .. I endure bipolar, ADHD, I take medications for both, a son with the same illnesses who I try to breathe life into every day, a husband who hasn't even came to this site or supported my accomplishments with my quit only after I tell him, "Honey, today's 100, 200, 300 days for me" ... "Oh, that's great!" I endure seizure medication which I had to go back on due to my bipolar. My headaches would trigger some of my mania or depression episodes. My marriage that once was like a rock is about to crumble due to fights over money for medical, medications and therapy. Now times that money by TWO because it has to do with Matthew and me. I have to deal with the guilt every day that my other two sons resentment me because of all the time that is spent on Matthew and I haven't any help with my husband or my mother. My husband doesn't believe this is a mental illness and that I can fix myself. I can't fix this. I simply can't. Matthew can't fix this. He has anxiety to the point he can't close the bathroom door. He can't be left alone. He worries constantly about time - asking what time is it. He worries about how much gas I have and if the light comes on I must right then and there get gas or he'll flip out. He has tremors at night. I just try and rock him to sleep telling him I'll never leave.
It got to be too much one night two months ago - one in the morning. I was over the edge. I couldn't think straight. My husband and I had been fighting over why he never spends time with the kids. Why he lacks in helping me with Matt and myself. I feel like a single parent but with an extra income. I got in my van and I drove. In my low episode, I would think of death. How would they live without me. Who would cry? Hell, maybe no one. I'm forgettable. I'm just a burden. Driving around that night, I called so many from this site. Since it was very early in the morning, some just got a sobbing voicemail. I tried about 6 to 7 numbers and then finally someone answered. Someone whom I've never spoken to before. Through my sobs, I told him not to worry about me caving that wasn't an option. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to die. Please just let me die. He listened to me. He didn't place judgement. He made me realize leaving this world wasn't the answer and that I am worth staying alive. He saved my life. This site isn't just about quitting an addiction. It's a full circle of quitting the habit, why we started dipping, the stressful daily struggles we endure when quitting and after, the triggers so we don't cave, and the complete knowing that others care enough - yes, they care enough even at one in the morning.
This new medication Matt is on has been the best. He came to me the other night and actually said, "Mom, I love you." I hadn't heard that in forever. I keep a full-time job in a very demanding school clinic. Bascially thrown into it without a single bit of training and said do your best. This is my second year with the school, I was nominated and voted the PTO president. OH my god, the pressure of that but they think I can do it. I was also nominated for Employee of the Year by faculty and staff. I was honored to make it to the top 3 for a run-off because it was so close out of 36 originally who were nominated. Some of these employees have been there 15 - 20 some years and never been nominated or let alone be in the top 3. So I consider that a very big accomplishment and that I am highly respected at my job.
How do I do all this plus stay quit? I haven't a clue. Honestly! Just like the day I said I didn't want to dip anymore. It just happened. So what keeps us quit? This site? More likely it's the accountability and friendships I've made, it's the ramblings, like this post which likely never make sense but it gets my feelings out, it's posting that number by my name in my group and showing those men (since I'm the only woman in there) that I am completely commited to them that I CAN do this and so CAN they. Don't prove me wrong. Don't sell yourself short.
Like before, I'm not sure what makes a person think about putting a dip into their lip after many days of a quit. I'm not quite sure what they think about. I don't think they realize how important their success in not caving is to them as well as my own quit. When you feel like giving up - call someone - make a post saying you need a little help. I want you to know that you can count on me!
Because damn it, I am counting on you!
I'm sure some have worse problems than my own but it's not going to make it better. Don't you realize that? Don't you realize how important you are to me and my quit? If you need me, I will always be there. If I need you, will you give me the same opportunity? The same respect? .... I hope so.
Sincerely,
mls
