I thought about this "speech" more and more as the day approached. Half the time still not sure I would get there but totally determined to give it my best. The more I thought about writing an HOF speech the less I wanted to write it. The implications that go along with writing something like this are of varied magnitudes. Yes you have accomplished something and thereby can write an HOF speech. On the other hand if you ask yourself some serious questions about your addiction and answer them honestly you figure out you are a fucking moron. The sudden clarity or realization that I spent 25 years jamming shit in my mouth and I was too weak to quit was pretty tough to take. That is the bottom line though. I was too weak to quit for all those years. It also stings a little when I realize I wasn't smart enough or rather willing to admit that there are real dangers associated with dipping. Beyond that I was unwilling to admit that I am just as likely as the next person to get cancer. After all I am super human right? Talk about not being able to see the forest for the trees...
The list of short comings goes on and on but indelibly I am an addict. I was never a ninja dipper and I never was concerned about the huge wad of shit in my lip. So I suppose that makes me worse than most. It shows a blatant and outward lack of concern for my appearance because I would dip regardless of where I was. It screams that I really didn't care about my wife or my kids because I would just use on and on in an endless fashion. All of the above makes me angry at myself. I am the only one who could have changed it. At this point I do get some satisfaction at flipping off the tobacco companies... Then again I shouldn't have to... I shouldn't have been here in the first place...
The story about how I started is not all that different from anyone else here. My quit is also not all that different than anyone else here. We all have a reason or reasons we finally decide it is time to quit. For me it was fear, the deep gut wrenching, wake your ass up in the middle of the night fear. I was finally to the point I was concerned about my health and afraid that dip would eventually kill me(if it hasn't already). The cold hard fact is that even after you quit you remain in a higher risk category than someone who didn't use. So it still might do you in after you quit... Ironic isn't it? Anyway, I am not used to being so negatively impacted by fear and as a matter of fact I am kind of a fear junkie. My family labeled me an adrenaline junky a long time ago and I have heard the term "death wish" used in conjunction with my name and activities more than once. They have branded me as fearless and I pride myself on nerve and iron will... However, there is something they just don't know.
The truth be known... I am scared! I mean really scared, the kind of damn near paralyzed with fear type of scared. I don't want to die and the thought of it scares the shit out of me. More over I don't want to die because I was stupid. "Life is tough and it is tougher when you are stupid" is not a quote I want associated with me. I want to live and enjoy long years with my gorgeous wife and see my children grow to be all they will be. So fear does motivate and it does a really good job of it.
Scared out of my mind, fairly desperate and not sure where to turn I found KTC. Joining KTC is where the real journey began. Previously it was pretty easy to quit and fall off the wagon and tell myself I would get it the next time. Kind of funny how next time always leads to another next time huh?
Accountability for your actions to a core of brothers is a powerful tool. I can say without any sort of doubt that I am this far in my quit because of KTC. There were more rough days than I can count and the number of times I damn near caved are too many to count too. All that aside you give your word and promise to your brothers and sisters at KTC every day and that keeps you honest and quit. That is why this place works!!! That is why I am still quit and that is why I will still be here for a long time to come...
Success is not something that comes easily when you are trying to conquer and addiction. As a side note I hate calling myself an addict and it burns me up to admit I am an addict as well. However, I am an addict. I digress... 100 days is a success but the real success will be never putting so much as a granule of that shit in my mouth ever again. So it would seem this story is to be continued....
Brotherhood... Last but certainly not least... Thanks to KTC without the community I just wouldn't be quit. Thanks to all those in my quit group. You guys just flat out rock the texts and calls were always welcome and helped more than you know. Thanks to all the bad ass supporters for all you do...
Stay quit fukkers!!!!
