syndrome

[syndrome]

Really Worth It

It kinda felt like walking on shells all the way up to this point but honestly the eggshell mess is only the first few weeks of your quit. Once your body starts to make the adjustments of not having the nicotine and you start learning new coping mechanisms ( why you used snuff in the first place - like stress) it's a whole new ballgame. The days are so much easier. It's extremely rewarding knowing I had conquered my greatest fear. To be able to love myself. To give my body and health the attention it needed. It's very empowering. Quitting snuff has honestly helped me - well find me. I don't know if that will make sense to you or not. You might not be in the same mind frame that I have at this point but one day you'll know exactly what I am talking about and say .. "Oh wow! This is really worth it!"

I've been working on some emotional stuff lately. I need to start leaving the past where it is and taking the one day at time slogan for everything in my life; not just nicotine! Life is so precious! I love this new journey I'm traveling on now. Does it get easier? Oh yes! Will I still have those moments of wanting snuff? Oh yes! But the more time I have without that nasty habit sticking out of my mouth the better at peace I am - this is the way it's going to be for me. There's no looking back. I hope others follow in my footsteps and reclaim what is so rightfully theirs. Reclaim your honesty, your loyalty, your freedom - hell reclaim your smile! You're really worth it!

I have so many people to thank and yet thanks doesn't even come close to repaying any of you back for the happiness and sometimes sanity you bring into my life. To my husband and boys: I pray to God that I'm able to show you every moment on how much you truly are loved by me. Thank you for forgiving me for all the missed memories and delayed events because of my addiction. You are my world!

Thank you to this very site for providing me with the tools and guidance needed to stay quit! Euty - you were the very first person to respond to my cry for help. sbtzc - you actually showed me how and why to post roll in April 2007 but you never told me how much they would become such a huge part of me. Thanks to the both of you! Gosh, I fear that I will leave someone out and so please don't hold it against me. My girls - Ashley, Janhawke, lawen4cer, Rayne and I can't leave out Hope and Jenny Kern! The latter of the two though we've never spoken I feel a great connection with. Hope - for your fine words of wisdom! Thank you for Contract to Give Up and just writing and posting. It's helped heal so many. Jenny Kern - for your courage and strength through such tragedy and for helping me realize I am hurting the ones I love by dipping. I'm slowly killing myself. Ashley, Janhawke, Rose, Rayne - for showing me I have two feet to stand on and that sometimes when I stumble it's not a mistake but a learning process. I love you all dearly!

Killer - thank you for the talks and all the time and effort you put into the beginning of my quit! Lots of days were a struggle. Thank you QT, WhoDey, loot, TJHook, Capt Jack, RC, beatdabear, pithull, Remshot, arbcubed, Copewquitn, 7iron, OkieFire, grunt0302, Aquaman43, Virginia Jim, SplinterCell, Wranglerman, Woodman, rodeo timer, 3boysdad, my crew in the chatroom, above all April 07 Quittin' Spittin' Crew - my men and yes I call each and every one of you men for having the balls to post roll day in and day out and still listen to my crap - I love you all - thank you for never letting your sister down.

.. umm, I feel I'm going to leave someone out .. dang it .. everyone at this site THANK YOU!

Last but definately not least -
Chewie, ODT, Penguin, Spongebob .. you all have been a Gold mine to me. I look up to you and learn from you constantly. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I hope reading this you realize how important your quit brothers and sisters are ... how strangers at first can become friends with a strong bond and to think we did it all without dip!

ps) Remember I wrote this 'cause .. well 'cause you're really worth it!

-mylilsecret
Day 200

[syndrome]

Thursday, January 4th 2007 .........................

That day was like any other in my life. A few weeks before, I made a New Years resolution I would quit. Of course, that never happened. Four days into 2007 and I was still getting up in the morning and grabbing for my can. But for some reason that day I didn't want it. It could've been because I didn't have any cash on me or that my van was being repaired. Maybe .. it's because I wanted to see how many hours I could quit. Maybe I just wanted to look in the mirror for once without having a dip in my mouth or maybe .. just maybe I wanted my boys not to see their mom sneaking around; taking time away from them for a dip. I'm not sure what it was that day. It could have been a combination of all those and more. But something somehow, someway made me realize I don't need this in my life anymore.

Mostly men are here at the site. Some dipped in front of family, friends and peers and some were closet dippers like myself yet I felt like the men always had an advantage over me. The men could still come out to family, friends and co-workers, if they wanted to, and say "I used to dip but I quit. I'm finding it hard to concentrate, sleep or whatever." Female ex-dippers aren't that fortunate, at least in my case, I feel that way. I wasn't "the type" who dipped. Well, .. what freakin' type was I? Honestly addiction doesn't discriminate. It'll take a hold of you and won't let go, .. whatever the cost maybe.

I was embarrassed when I dipped and was equally as embarrassed when I quit. Who was I going to tell? Who was I going to share my experiences with? My milestones and accomplishments were only recognized by me or this site. My husband and boys never talk about my addiction or how well I was doing. They don't dare discuss my quit, in fear that doing so, might make me think about my former lifestyle and force me to get a can. I would be so excited to tell my husband, "It's 50, 75, 100 days for me!" His replied would be, "That's great, Honey. So proud of you!" He would continue the conversation but change the topic totally. I felt like it didn't matter. I confronted him about it and that's where I learned that it was a hush hush type thing. Don't talk about the secret and it never happened. I know I can't force someone to see or feel what it's like not to be the prisoner of ones own addiction. I suppose after all those times of me telling him I was quit and then finding out that I wasn't, had finally caught up to me. It's like the fable we read to our children, The Boy That Cries Wolf. As the moral states at the end: "Even when liars tell the truth, they are never believed. The liar will lie once, twice, and then perish when he tells the truth." I think I resent myself because I haven't been able to enjoy my quit because of all the lies I had told about my addiction. Not just to my husband, but family and friends.

It makes me cherish what I have here and the friends that I have made. Positive, encouraging words are everything to the one who reads them. Sometimes you touch a persons life by just saying a few simple words like ... I believe in you! Because you see, no one believed that I could accomplish this. They believed that I would falter and be a disappointment once more. I know I'm the only one to blame for that.

We may never see one another face to face but you have helped me endure everything so far, ... every moment, every second of this quit. I don't know if there will ever come a day that I can admit to the ones around me that for 20+ years I used to dip Copenhagen. Maybe that time will never come. But it's ok. I have you and others here to lean on for encouragement and trust in my fight to stay quit.

Each of you will never truly understand how much you've made a difference in my life!
One day I hope, .. I can return the favor and make a difference in yours.

-mylilsecret

[syndrome]

I’m not here to say my life was far worse than anyone else’s. I’m just paving a roadway so others can see that in life; particular mountains may stand in our way. We might not be able to go around or even over top of them like some. It’s at these moments we get discouraged. Unfortunately most are at a standstill and remain that way. The rest will finally see in order to overcome this obstacle they must dig down deep.

Some may relate to this in different ways about quitting. It just so happens that mine is about negative thoughts of myself whether it was self love, worth, esteem or talents, I had little if any up until now.

And you helped me succeed in that. Thank you!!
(read below to see how)

At the start of my quit I thought I was basically quitting my addiction. Though as I sifted through pieces of my life. I noticed that quitting also helped me to heal in other ways.

During my childhood I heard quite frequently, “Why do you write? Who wants to read any thing you have to say? You know, this is really garbage, Nicole. Just like you, ..  garbage.” At this time I showed absolutely no emotion. I didn’t want him to feel any satisfaction for his actions. So he found another way to once again bring pain into my life. He’d tear up anything I wrote and made sure to do it before my eyes. He glorified in seeing my pain. That’s when I started to hide anything I wrote. My hiding spot for my notebook was at the very bottom of my clothes dresser. I would take the bottom drawer out, laying my notebook flat then replacing the drawer. He never found it. No one has known about that until now. Not my mom, my husband  … no one until my therapy session. In that session I brought the bad and the good. The negative and positive. My therapist hadn’t heard back from April, the person who wanted to take a look at my work and see which publisher I should send an excerpt of my book to. I felt uneasy at that point but she followed up by saying she knew someone else in Palm Beach if April was too busy. I relaxed some as I told her tonight was going to be all about me. First my negative past and then my positive present. Each were going to collided for the first time ever. I showed her the homemade cards, letters, poems and even a picture of my mom, dad and me that I hated. Why had I kept all these things for so long? Each time I moved from house to house, state to state this box came with me. This ‘baggage’ reminded me of an ugly past. It stayed within the corner of my closet yet ever so often I’d pull it out to read and remember why I wasn’t good enough.

As I read each of them to her, I noticed everything written showed a little girl aching so badly for her father’s affection and love even to the point of begging.
I unfolded this tattered paper remembering back as to why it was written.

My father hated when I called the police. I honestly don’t understand why because they never took him away and he never got in trouble. He always had excuses. One night after they left he pulled me aside by grabbing my hair and brought my face to his. His fermented breath disgusted me but I only remember of that now. Back then my eyes were fixated to his lips as he yelled about how if the police had to keep coming out they would finally take my brother and me away. Not him. I would never see my mother again. He told me, “Now go write a note about how you don’t want to leave your mother because you love your home. Then if they do come to get you I‘ll have your note.”

To my therapist from tattered paper I read, “Daddy, I love you! I always want to be by you and never go away. I love you, Daddy because you teach me right from wrong. You are the best Daddy! My home is the best because my Daddy is the best. My Daddy is nice and I don’t want to go any where. I love my home. I love my Daddy.

Your loving daughter,
Nicole

I love you Daddy!!!

There were little hearts and flowers colored like border around the I love you part. After reading this I felt completely sick. I was suppose to write how I liked my home and didn’t want to leave my mommy. Yet I wrote all about him and how he was the best. If I hated him so much then why to hell was I writing about never wanting to leave him? Was I brainwashed? Maybe so, but this letter oozed of a little girl craving love.

Now after reading several letters I pushed the negative to the side of me and read my references / recommendations from everyone here. Even though, April hadn’t read them yet I wanted to share some with Kellie, my therapist. There were a few I read ahead of time but most I hadn’t. I only picked a few to read since our session was now well over an hour. I read those that I knew were positive. Then she told me to pick three I hadn’t read so she could read them aloud. I don’t know if there is a word or words to capture this extraordinary feeling I had of self worthiness and accomplishment for inspiring some in their quit. From quitters who had 3 ½ years to those who had 10 days wrote such positive encouraging words about me. I began to cry not of sadness but absolute joy. Kellie picked up the old negative papers of the past and said, “You were told growing up you’d become nothing.” Then touching the letters from which she had just read. “Nicole, yet here I surely see how you’ve become someone quite special. And you did it through the one thing your father couldn’t take away. Your passion and love for writing. So why are you holding onto such negative objects from the past when you have so much positive within your life now?” Through the tears, I picked up the negative pile and slammed it into her trash can. Ohh, how exhilarating that felt!

She asked to read some articles .. the first being, Dear Potential Quitter. She stated, “Wow, how powerful. I could really use this in one of my workshops. Who wrote this?” I said, “You’re kidding me, .. right? Umm, Kellie, I wrote that.” She laughed stating at the end of the article she didn’t know who mls was. Our session lasted well over two hours and as we walked down the stairs to go home I asked if I could grab the trash from her office. I wanted to really throw it away! Now as I carried the bag down and out the door there stood two city trash cans on the curb. One nice green Waste-Management can and one ugly beat-up old trash can. “Which one, Kellie?” ..
“Which one do you think, Nicole?” ..
I pushed the bag into the old can.

I smiled as I got into my van. I had thrown away things that for some reason I held onto. I had quit some of the negative thinking and looked towards the positive within me.

Just like the quit with my addiction I would have to take baby steps in order to reach goals and accomplishments. And just because I threw away some negative thoughts didn’t mean I was out of the woods yet. I have a huge journey.

I honestly thought quitting meant of a physical attribute not an emotional one. Whoa, was I ever wrong!

mylilsecret

[syndrome]

Within The Trance

Slowly it creeps into the darkness of my world. At a weak and vulnerable state; a time where I’m unable to think rationally since I’m nestled cozy amidst the warmth of my bed. The addict trance within allows me to believe that I have forsaken the vow that I took today. It haunts me to know that I have let myself and others down.

Each night within the addict trance it repeats itself over and over again. Before long it has me to believe I’m taking one dip secretly. It tries to show me how easily I could hide it from my family. Hell, I could hide it from you. I breath in deeply as reality emerges to clear the thick fog that held me captive; yet a voice softly escapes; it begs and pleads with me. It wants me to accept I can have a dip since I’ve been dreaming about it.

That’s when I remember the past I have endured throughout my quit. I recite my HOF speech and others. I look to my very first post where I was so fragile and weak. I’ve grown stronger since then. That voice will always lurk just beyond the shadows to try and regain control.

But I won’t allow it! And it’s angry with me. For years I’ve been a servant to this overbearing beast and it doesn’t understand why I want to change. It wants to suck the life right out of me; to my very last breath.

It will not regain control. I can and will do this; not for my family, not for my children, not for anyone other than myself! As I see you within your quit, you inspire me; you bestow upon me strength and that my friend gives me power. The power to stay quit! And for that I am deeply indebted to you.

-mylilsecret

[syndrome]

So Now What?


You've finally made the decision to quit. .............. Well, let me be the first to congratulate you.


Umm, so now what?

It's not easy as you know and all of us before coming here have tried quitting several times only to fail again and again. Truthfully, your quit here will be so much different than any of your last attempts.

First, you have what's called your quit group. These are men and women quitting their addiction to the same substance that brought you here to begin with. Your group will enter the Hall of Fame (HOF) after 100 days. Within your group you'll be able to share, vent and yes argue amongst one another. This creates your bond, ..... your brotherhood.

Second, accountability is used here just like in any other recovery atmosphere. When you post your user name and quit date, you are pledging for that day ONLY you will remain free from any form of tobacco/nicotine. Remember your pledge is for that day! Do not think ahead. I promise you the first days are hell but they are doable. You'll go through many physical, mental and emotional withdrawals. Day 1 to 3 more physical. Headaches, body aches, stomach cramps, constipation, jaw pain, mouth sores .. heck, I could go on and on. But believe me it's normal. Drink lots of water to flush out your system. All that nicotine that was once cycling itself rapidly through your veins has diminished.

On Day 4 to ?, you unfortunately are about to begin with what I like to call "Mental Pursuit". You are about to pursue your sanity. Believe me there were times I thought I had the good me on one shoulder and a bad me on the other. And yes, both were constantly bickering on why I should or shouldn't buy a can of snuff or take just one dip. It does seem little funny now but during the time I almost said screw it - - JUST GIVE ME A CAN! But I didn't. You know why? Accountability to my quit group. I posted that day!

Also you'll be less likely to concentrate. (The Fog) You may feel somewhat lost or confused. You will experience dip dreams. A dream as if you've taken a dip and betrayed your group. Some of these dreams seem very real but they are normal to have.

The mind games I hate to say will last through out your recovery but they do thankfully become less and less frequent. During the next few months you'll start to gain confidence and then that's when the emotional part comes into play. You'll have feelings of loneliness and abandonment. You might also feel as if you've lost a friend or the death of a loved one. This is the beginning of your healing. During this time you'll retrain your brain. Remember those every day activities you did with dip? Well, you now can do them without it. It's hard! But it can be done. And it takes time .. try not to be hard on yourself. It doesn't happen overnight or within a few weeks. I never thought I would be able to write again yet I started to realize I didn't need a big wad of dip to write. I just needed my confidence.

Last but not least, you'll need the support and resources. That's where all the others here and I come into play. In order to be successful you must be willing to make friends, get phone numbers and chat. Honestly, we're not shy! .. umm, k .. maybe I am a bit .. =) Yeah right! .. And don't be afraid to read! Educate yourself because knowledge is your strength!



Some final footnotes:

Never underestimate the power of addiction.

After 100 days (HOF) don't let your confidence get the best of you.

Your recovery is a progress in work.

Never look ahead. Think only of today. You can make it through.

You'll constantly have high and low points in life but none of which is worth putting a dip in for.

Dipping will not get rid of or get you a job, spouse, money, a Lamborghini, mistress, promotion or for that matter the execution of a co-worker who got your promotion. - - - - Just Deal With It! =P

===============================================================

I hope this in some way will familiarize you to what the site is all about!

... Helping you stay quit!

-mylilsecret

[syndrome]

Just Today

Today is the first day of my quit - - - no matter if I'm posting Day 1 or Day 1001.

What do I mean by this? ...... It's simple.

In the beginning what are we thinking about the most? Probably posting the number of days we've been quit, right? And that's all great as we go through the hell of taking it one day at a time .. fighting the withdraws, the craves, the urges and the temptations of our addiction.

During these days we might be taking it moment by moment to get through to the next hour. Our quit days start to build confidence within us. We strive to make 100, 200, 300 days along side our quit brothers and sisters. We relish at the milestones we've accomplished ...... and we should!

Yet it's during this time ...
when life begins to knock on the door of reality. We slowly start to take each day we're quit for granted. We feel invincible. Some might even feel that since we've been quit a certain number of days, months and yes even years that one dip won't hurt. We must fight against that urge and by doing so means saying to yourself, "Not today, my friend, today I'm quit."

I believe some of us forget how and why we got to this point to begin with.

We got here by taking it one day at a time.
Not a month at a time, nor a year at a time.

Not even a forever ..... but one day ... just today.

-mylilsecret

[syndrome]

A Step Back

At times we may forget about our friends
especially those of our past.
It seems within the blink of an eye,
our time spent here can travel so fast.

We tend to think towards
the future; not for the moments of today.
What if we had no tomorrow and through our
fingertips life slipped away?

You might have a friend upon their face
a smile is always shown.
But if you looked a little closer
their sadness you would have known.

Our lives are hectic with stress
as we’re caught up in all we do.
But words truly need to be heard,
instead of the silent, “I love you.”

As you read this, that someone might
be reaching out to know you’re there.
That your friendship is true
and you genuinely care.

Some say to look out for ourselves
in order to get ahead.
Yet shouldn’t we take a step back to
help those around us instead?

We need to show our friends to never fear
life, love or laughter; to never doubt
And prove to them just like our need for air;
their friendship, we can not live without.

Written by: mylilsecret

[syndrome]

Most, .. if not all who chose to quit dipping do so in fear of cancer and ultimately their fear of death from their addiction.


- Imagine being twelve and your first dip. Dad lets you do it around the garage with him as you tinker with his tools pretending to help. Pretty cool, huh?

- Imagine being fifteen and your friends start hanging out at your house 'cause it's okay to dip around your parents. Heck, most of their parents haven't a clue about the dipping ritual that happens after school.

- Imagine being nineteen and working with your father at his business. Both still dipping and enjoying the conversations you spend because you feel a connection, even if it has to do with dip.

- Imagine finding your first sore, gums raw but you still keep using. Dad says its happened to him but it'll go away. So you pack it to the other side of your mouth. It feels somewhat less painful that way.

- Imagine being twenty-one and the birth of your first and only son. Dipping the whole time your wife is in labor. So nervous but you need dip to take that edge off. Asking the nurses for a cup to spit into. Holding your son after birth, but in the back of your mind you know that you need to get another can since you're out.

- Imagine being twenty-seven and your now six yr old son wants to go hunting with you like he has many times before but you tell him he can't go. Unable to tell him why since there's going to be alcohol and a little party later at a friends house. Your son cries not understanding why Daddy won't take him hunting. You promise to take him real soon. Maybe next weekend. He pouts some but you're able to scoot out the door without him noticing.

- Imagine hunting while drinking some beer. Later on you're at a friends house you've known since grade school. You play a little poker and get somewhat carried away with the shots and liquor being passed around.

- Imagine feeling a bit dizzy and resting on the couch since the room won't stop spinning. Some time later others pass by and laugh 'cause your drunker than shit. They believed you have passed out since they hear you snoring.

- Imagine being so intoxicated to the point that you've swallow your snuff. What they believe was snoring was actually you gasping for air yet since you've been drinking, you're unable to move and get help .. you die .. not from cancer .. but from choking on your wad of dip.

Now imagine leaving behind your wife and son, mother, father and sister. Leaving behind your friends and one of the girls (me) who played truth or dare and was dared to kiss you. We were fourteen. (the time I started dipping secretly)

Imagine now, if cancer's truly the only culprit that can lead to your death.

This true story happened to a good friend of mine. Someone with a kind heart but just was stupid to think that he wasn't addicted. To proud thinking he was invincible to cancer and death. Yet sadly he died by asphyxiation.

He's gone by just a single dip!

-mylilsecret

Rest in peace, Jay Archibald! I hope you're death wasn't in vain and by me telling your story will help someone take that first step to quit.

[syndrome]

Never Give Up

Remember to never give up and never have doubt.
Those ups and downs is what life’s all about.

You try and try your absolute best
and somehow struggle like all the rest.
At times it seems you just can’t do it.
Yet all it takes is putting your mind to it.

The mistakes that you might make along the way,
create a stronger person to defeat another day.
You see, no one can tell you the steps you must take.
Whether right or wrong; it’s the choices you make.

Believe in yourself and all the power that you hold.
Aspirations are created by the young and the old.
But it has to start here and it has to start now.
Of course you’re sitting there wondering how?

It begins when you set this extraordinary example for others.
Yes, strangers at first; end up quit sisters and brothers.
Maybe you’re struggling addiction and needing some belief.
Simply asking for help begins your journey towards relief.

Quitting means you want this. It’s coming from the heart.
Don’t wait until tomorrow when right now you can start.
If you take this chance. I’d promise you’ll see
You’re not alone. You’re standing with me.

mylilsecret
© 2008

[syndrome]

Trust Me


I've been where you're at, maybe not the exact situation but I've been there.
It's rough! It hurts! It stinks! You feel like punching something. Anything!


There's an ache deep within .. like you can't go on unless you have a dip in your mouth. You feel a dip will make things better. It'll reduce your stress and make life easier. It's become a daily ritual that's been screwed up by this freakin' site! Why do you even need this place? C'mon - just get a can and everything will seem better. Just one dip to ride you through! You've shown that you're strong enough to quit. It's just a dip not like you'll be addicted from one dip. Trust me!

Have you thought this? I bet it's safe to say you have. I know I have! But why?

Maybe you're at the beginning of your quit or you've been quit for a few months, .. better yet you could be a seasoned vet when this creeps into your mind. Just because you're quit doesn't mean you'll evade the nicotine demon totally from visiting your thoughts. It will from time to time slip in. At the beginning this might be your frame of mind every minute of every hour then once you start to get days under your belt, it becomes less and less of a thought or even an option. Truthfully the demon will always be there, .. ready to creep up at a moments notice ... when you least expect it.

Be prepared!
Be ready to fight!

Because ultimately ...
isn't your life worth fighting for?

You and I will always be addicted to this demon so that's why it's fortunate that we have this site and these resources. Here .. we have others to help us change our way of thinking, to learn new ways to cope through stressful situations and friendships to gain by the mere fact that we're in this together.
We can do this! You and I. Trust me!

-mylilsecret

Quitting is hard but not quitting (cancer/death?) well .. that's even harder.

[syndrome]

he Best Side of All

Every coin has two sides.
Every action causes a reaction.
And like every positive there comes a negative.
We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t have one without the other.

If we were to never endured pain then we’d never experience the meaning of sweet pleasure. To never falter at weakness; we’d never see how strong our strength would be to rise above an obstacle. To never again feel hurtfulness; we’d never be able to show the desire to care. And the ultimate ... without heartache; we’d have the absence of the greatest gift …… love.

Every one of our moments would be taken for granted.

Imagine inhaling to whisper, “I love you” softly to someone you adore yet only for them to never understand how deep and heartfelt it truly was meant. Or the very simplicity of touching your child’s hand absolutely would have no value or merit.

Who would want to live in such a world?
We all must tolerate the negative in order to be blessed with some positive.

This leads me back to the coin, ………………… the HOF coin, that is.

At 100 days I really didn’t see why I would need a coin to show those 100 days of my quit. I mean I had been through hell both physically and mentally and buying a coin really didn’t seem to have any significance. But around 600 days, I was looking at it on the site and honestly I’m clueless as to why but I wanted to have it as a symbol, as a reminder I had succeeded in what I and those around me never thought I’d be able to accomplish.

I understand now the meaning of the HOF coin. I suppose it didn‘t matter I had waited another 500 days before getting it because I wouldn’t have known the true value of it. I’ve never been so proud until I ran my fingertips over that precious metal. After enduring 22 years of imprisonment to tobacco and 600 some days of being quit I had this tremendous invigorating feeling of triumph and freedom.

It’s true every coin has two sides but you see my coin doesn’t.

It only has one side … the best side of all .. that I’m quit.

-mylilsecret
Day 769

[syndrome]

Can You Walk In My Shoes?

As the old saying goes, let us not judge one another until we have walked in their shoes.
So, .. Could you? Or perhaps maybe I should try walking in yours? It would be nice to take a look into someone’s life just by slipping on their shoes. Oh, how exciting? hmm.. Think again maybe not. No two people can feel the same emotion/reaction towards a reward/challenge within their life and that holds true as well with quitting an addiction. Yes, we may have similarities through our quit to help guide each other but ultimately no one is walking in your shoes. Just you!

Hi, my name is Nickie. And for over 20 years, I have attempted several times to quit smokeless tobacco. I let Copenhagen consume me and honestly towards the end I felt like a prisoner to nicotine. Today, I'd like to share a part of me with you; to bare my soul, for the sake of helping someone realize addiction in any form or caving is not the answer to life’s problems.

If after reading this you feel a sense of inspiration to quit whatever addiction you have; or if this helps renew you in your own quit then I’ll know the reason for all this insanity was well worth it.

So let’s see, how many times have you ever said this to yourself?
“If anyone needed Copenhagen ( insert your brand name here ) it was ME.”

Yep! Every time a conflict or problem would arise I’d fall back on the good ‘ole belief that I needed Copenhagen in my life in order to help with my problems. “If I just use Copenhagen until I get through this major obstacle it will get better than I can stop.” But you see, when we’re in “our better moment episode” we’re selfish. We don’t quit instead we let our addiction consume us to the point of not caring about our family and friends but most importantly not caring about ourselves, about our health.

The following is an outline of my stepping stones to this point in my life. In no way am I seeking sympathy or pity just trying to serve a point.

• I didn’t have the greatest childhood. My father physically and mentally abused me until I was almost seventeen. I was belittled to the point that still to this day I have very little self esteem about myself. He was and still is an alcoholic. It got so bad that twice as a teenager I tried to commit suicide. A few days after graduation I found out my father had actually adopted me when my mother married him. My biological father, who only saw me once at two days old, signed all his legal rights away to someone who just wanted to beat the crap out of me. Nice start .. eh?

• When I was around fourteen, one of my girlfriends stole her grandfathers’ Redman. As a dare we each had to try it – talk about nasty!!! After a few weeks we thought about upgrading to her older brother’s tin can of Copenhagen. It is here that I started my reasoning for using tobacco. “I do it because I need it to help me cope with my Dad.” It’s kinda of sad looking back at those moments and seeing how pathetic I sounded but little did I know just how pathetic I would actually get.


• In ’92, I was about to marry my high school sweetheart and yet he hadn’t a clue to the extent of my addiction, heck he didn’t even know I had an addiction and to my amazement neither did I. “Oh, I’ll quit when the wedding is over. My nerves are just too strung out planning this with my husband being in the Army over in Kuwaiti for the first battle with Iraq.” By the time I said I do, I had been using snuff for almost 8 years. A few months later I was pregnant with our first son, morning sickness so I quit it long enough until I was out of the hospital. A total of 7 months with no tobacco and BAM! I am right back on the Copenhagen train again! CHEW! CHEW! Why did I start back after not using for several months? I suppose I was still in denial that I could quit any time I wanted to and that I needed it to cope and get me through the problems I faced.

• By this time, my husband had found out and we had numerous fights over my “disgusting habit.” Too many to count, multiply and divide by. All I could think was .. “If he loved me why couldn’t he love me for who I am? Why does he want to change me?”

Hmm .. let’s see tobacco up until now has helped me out a lot in my life, in my marriage and with my problems .. don’t you think?

• My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with my second child. My heart broke that day. A few months after that he was born and rushed off to NICU. It would be two days before I would see him and another two weeks before I could bring him home. He would stop breathing several times throughout the day and night besides a list of other problems. He finally came home on an apnea monitor. Today, he is an amazing boy! I just knew that I was going to quit this time. I told God, please Lord help my son I’ll do anything .. anything you ask of me. I’ll quit, yes I’ll quit if you’ll help him. God kept up his end of the deal, unfortunately, I didn’t. I continued to dip.

• My mother by this time had been dating a gentleman for about 8 years and he became a huge father figure in my life. His love was unconditional. No matter what wrongs I did he never judged me. He always encouraged me. At this point, he is only the other man besides my husband to know that I used Copenhagen. He was diagnosed with cancer in April ’98 and left us July ’98. I swore at his funeral I would quit. Guess what? That didn’t happen.

• Pregnant with my third son, only three months after giving birth to my second. I was scared and confused. My husband had done the unthinkable – could or would it happen again? I used Copenhagen more so with this pregnancy then I had with my last. By now, I knew I was addicted but my husband only saw weakness. He saw me as being ugly and unwomanly for what I was doing which led me to try to quit for him! Only I never did actually quit – I’d only hid it until he found out. Yet another disappointment in his eyes.

• My youngest son was diagnosed with ADHD the same year I found out I had ADD and temporal-lobe epilepsy. My epilepsy isn’t that severe. I actually received this condition by an attack from my father. One evening he had thrown a dinner plate at me hitting my right temple. It knocked me out. I was hospitalize and later would realize after all these years why I had such bad headaches. By now, I told myself .. I’d like to quit but I need this now more than ever. Just how bad did I need it? If my husband found a can he’d throw it in the garbage. Later I would dig it out.

• The year Hurricane Francis and Jeanne hit Florida, our house was destroyed we lost just about everything. I think it was here that I honestly started to realize that my dipping wasn’t “making” my problems go away. But I dipped more than ever almost a can a day. I was at my lowest. I spent most of my time figuring out how I was going to get my next dip without anyone knowing and I spent the other half concocting lies to cover up what I was doing.

• Life seemed to finally turn normal. We had a house built. We both had pretty decent jobs. Life seemed ok for once. I told myself when we get into our new house this will be my new beginning. I am going to quit for good. Yep! That quit would only last a week. A few months after we moved in I had severe pains. That night I went to the ER and had a miscarriage. After being in the hospital for a week and almost sent home, they saw that I was hemorrhaging internally. I almost lost my life that day, Nov. 14, 2005; due to misdiagnoses. I had twins. One was a miscarriage, the other a tubal pregnancy. While on medical leave from work I was harassed about when I was coming back. I stepped down from my position and later quit the company altogether. I was in deep depression. I broke down and told my Dr. about me using tobacco for almost 20 years and that I wanted to quit. He told me we’d deal with my depression first but my tobacco use was the least of my problems. He wanted me to use it to cope for now. Wow! Someone actually wants me to dip. So I did but the truth was I didn’t want to. It felt more like a burden now than anything. An old chore that I hated to do. Sometimes I would only have it in a few minutes just to spit it out. It tasted nasty. I felt so ugly but how could I ever overcome this addiction – this sickness?

My New Years Resolution 2007, like many new years before I promised to quit and well Jan 1st came and went. But what happened next is something totally unexplainable, Jan 4th; I decided I didn’t want to be a prisoner anymore. This time I was at rock bottom with my addiction. Four days into my quit I knew I needed information and resources to help me if I was going to win this fight. The day I found this site is the day I found myself. This is my first post.

When I started my quit I felt like this was the beginning to the end of a long nightmare but yet now 135 days tobacco-free I feel as if it’s truly the end to a new beginning in my journey with life.

I didn’t realize I held this power the whole time. I only needed to believe in myself that I could do it. The power of forgiveness and freedom. (Forgiving myself for all the things my addiction made me do and freedom of the ties that bound me at one point to that tiny little can.) I’ve reflected a lot during my quit and I will continue doing so.


We need to accept the fact that we’ll always be addicted to tobacco.
We’ll have easy days during our quit but to remember harder days may follow.
But no matter what happens there is NO good reason for any of us to pick up that can and throw away our power.
We can deal with our problems through other avenues. Tobacco will not be one of those easy streets that we take.
We’ll do it starting today. Starting this very moment we promise to ourselves and each other to stay quit.

So now my question to you is not can you walk in my shoes but could you be a friend and walk beside me?

-mylilsecret

[syndrome]

I just don't understand it. I completely don't. I am so hurt right now. I honestly am! You all need to LISTEN to me really really good ... do you HEAR me?

I'm not here to make anyone give excuses or to make anyone feel badly for caving but don't you realize we are ALL in this together. When you take that first dip back into your mouth. You are actually saying to me. I don't give a shit about my quit or your quit. I don't give a shit about you or how my caving is going to affect you or make you feel. I want to be selfish and do this for me.

Well, there are other people that ... I am sorry .. that fucking count on you. Like ME! I need YOU to show me YOU can DO this because in return it shows ME I CAN do this.

When you cave it not only makes me so very upset to the point that I cry. Yes, I actually freaking cry sometimes I sob because whether you believe it or not I care about you and your life. Whether you care about it or not - I do! I don't want you to succumb to this deadly disease. This sickness. I don't know why people .. my friends .. choose smokeless tobacco over life .. over the others on this site. I can't put judgement on you. You are and will always be my friend. Just remember your actions speak louder than words. Your actions have consequences not just for you but others that count on you.

Others, like myself - have struggles just like you .. I endure bipolar, ADHD, I take medications for both, a son with the same illnesses who I try to breathe life into every day, a husband who hasn't even came to this site or supported my accomplishments with my quit only after I tell him, "Honey, today's 100, 200, 300 days for me" ... "Oh, that's great!" I endure seizure medication which I had to go back on due to my bipolar. My headaches would trigger some of my mania or depression episodes. My marriage that once was like a rock is about to crumble due to fights over money for medical, medications and therapy. Now times that money by TWO because it has to do with Matthew and me. I have to deal with the guilt every day that my other two sons resent me because of all the time that is spent on Matthew and I haven't any help with my husband or my mother. My husband doesn't believe this is a mental illness and that I can fix myself. I can't fix this. I simply can't. Matthew can't fix this. He has anxiety to the point he can't close the bathroom door. He can't be left alone. He worries constantly about time - asking what time is it. He worries about how much gas I have and if the light comes on I must right then and there get gas or he'll flip out. He has tremors at night. I just try and rock him to sleep telling him I'll never leave.

It got to be too much one night two months ago - one in the morning. I was over the edge. I couldn't think straight. My husband and I had been fighting over why he never spends time with the kids. Why he lacks in helping me with Matt and myself. I feel like a single parent but with an extra income. I got in my van and I drove. In my low episode, I would think of death. How would they live without me. Who would cry? Hell, maybe no one. I'm forgettable. I'm just a burden. Driving around that night, I called so many from this site. Since it was very early in the morning, some just got a sobbing voicemail. I tried about 6 to 7 numbers and then finally someone answered. Someone whom I've never spoken to before. Through my sobs, I told him not to worry about me caving that wasn't an option. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to die. Please just let me die. He listened to me. He didn't place judgement. He made me realize leaving this world wasn't the answer and that I am worth staying alive. He saved my life. This site isn't just about quitting an addiction. It's a full circle of quitting the habit, why we started dipping, the stressful daily struggles we endure when quitting and after, the triggers so we don't cave, and the complete knowing that others care enough - yes, they care enough even at one in the morning.

This new medication Matt is on has been the best. He came to me the other night and actually said, "Mom, I love you." I hadn't heard that in forever. I keep a full-time job in a very demanding school clinic. Bascially thrown into it without a single bit of training and said do your best. This is my second year with the school, I was nominated and voted the PTO president. OH my god, the pressure of that but they think I can do it. I was also nominated for Employee of the Year by faculty and staff. I was honored to make it to the top 3 for a run-off because it was so close out of 36 originally who were nominated. Some of these employees have been there 15 - 20 some years and never been nominated or let alone be in the top 3. So I consider that a very big accomplishment and that I am highly respected at my job.

How do I do all this plus stay quit? I haven't a clue. Honestly! Just like the day I said I didn't want to dip anymore. It just happened. So what keeps us quit? This site? More likely it's the accountability and friendships I've made, it's the ramblings, like this post which likely never make sense but it gets my feelings out, it's posting that number by my name in my group and showing those men (since I'm the only woman in there) that I am completely commited to them that I CAN do this and so CAN they. Don't prove me wrong. Don't sell yourself short.

Like before, I'm not sure what makes a person think about putting a dip into their lip after many days of a quit. I'm not quite sure what they think about. I don't think they realize how important their success in not caving is to them as well as my own quit. When you feel like giving up - call someone - make a post saying you need a little help. I want you to know that you can count on me!
Because damn it, I am counting on you!

I'm sure some have worse problems than my own but it's not going to make it better. Don't you realize that? Don't you realize how important you are to me and my quit? If you need me, I will always be there. If I need you, will you give me the same opportunity? The same respect? .... I hope so.

Sincerely,
mls

[syndrome]

If Given The Chance

I bet - if given the chance - I could seduce you into using me even if it's just one time.
Then after you've tried me I know you wouldn't want anything else other than myself.
I bet - if given the chance - I could make you believe I'm a loyal friend; some sort of confidante.
Sooner or later I'll be able to manipulate, hell I'll be able to isolate you from family even friends.
I bet - if given the chance - I could ravish you with deadly poisons pretending they're great pleasures.
And after all those years of letting me control your every move you'll see what I'm truly after ...... death.

I'm your greatest fear. I'm your addiction.

I bet - if given the chance - you'll begin to feel guilty from hurting so many because of your worship for me.
But after I am gone they'll learn to forgive you but never truly understand how or why this could've happened.
I bet - if given the chance - you'll begin to forget me as time passes though I'll try my best to wreck havoc on you once more.
You see, within the darkest corner of your mind every so often I'll beg you to give me another try.
I bet - if given the chance - you'll begin to see hope that you can live your life without me.
And after all those years of letting me control your every move you'll also see what I truly dread ...... life.

It's my greatest fear. It's your recovery.

-mylilsecret

[syndrome]

Thinking About Caving??
Before caving please read this ...
(These are my feelings when a fellow quitter made the decision to cave)


I just don't understand it.
I am so hurt right now. So freakin' hurt. How could you?
You all need to LISTEN to me really good ... do you HEAR me?

I'm not writing this for anyone to give excuses or to make anyone feel badly for caving but don't you see we are ALL in this together. When you take that first dip back into your mouth. You are actually saying to me and others. I don't give a shit about my quit or your damn quit. I don't give a shit about you or how my caving is going to affect you. Screw it! I want to be selfish and do this for ME. Within your mind, just seconds ago it was haunting you .. "Go ahead - - Just do it! One dip! How bad can that be?".... Well, there are other people .. excuse my language .. that f*cking count on you! Like ME! I need YOU to show me YOU can DO this because in return it shows ME I CAN. When you cave, you're telling me and others that it's possible that one day we might give in to this freakin' disease once more.

In the beginning of my quit, when someone caved, I'd feel sad like I wasn't there to help them through that rough time. I'd pat them on the back and tell 'em, "You can do it ! Just give it another try." I couldn't understand why others would become upset. Truthfully now this far into my quit, I can comprehend why. Whether you believe it or not - - I CARE about you and your life. Whether you care about it or not - I do! This is a deadly disease; a sickness. It's addiction. I don't want you to die not knowing that somewhere out there someone is on your side, trying their best to show you the way. I can't place judgement. But why go back to spending money that's slowly killing yourself?

Tell me .. what is so great about dipping?? I know how great it is not to dip but those experiences I can't share with you. No words would ever do it justice. You must feel and embrace it yourself.

We all have daily struggles yet those struggles got to be too much for me ...............

A few months ago around one am in the morning. I was over the edge. I couldn't think straight. My husband and I had been fighting over why he never spends time with the kids. He lacks in helping me with Matt and myself, he doesn't have any patience, he doesn't want to be a part of this family .. on and on. I feel like a single parent but with an extra income. I got in my van and I drove. Within a depressive episode, I would normally think of death. How would they live without me? Who would cry? Hell, maybe no one. I'm forgettable. I'm just a burden to everyone. At least this way there would be enough money for dr appointments for Matt  medications. My husband would have to step up and finally be a Dad without having to fall back on me. Driving around that night, I wasn't in the right frame of mine. I thought about how I could end it. I called many from this site and since it was early in the morning, most just got a sobbing voicemail. I tried several numbers and then finally someone answered. Someone whom I've never spoken to before. I was desperate to let someone know that I wouldn't be posting roll anymore. I didn't want anyone to think that I caved. Through my sobs, I told him not to worry about me caving that wasn't an option. I didn't want a dip. I wanted to die. I just wanted the pain to stop. Please just let me die. That night, he listened to me. He didn't place judgement. However he told me leaving this world wasn't the answer. I'm worth it, to myself, to my family and friends not to leave everyone behind with unanswered questions. Whether he realizes it or not - he saved my life that night! Thank you for answering your phone and taking the time out to listen, Mikey!

How do I stay quit? I haven't a clue. Just like the day I said I didn't want dip anymore. It just happened. So what keeps us quit? Is it this site? More likely it's the accountability and friendships I've made, it's the ramblings, like this post which likely doesn't make a bit of sense but it gets my feelings out, it's posting my name for that day and showing those men that I am completely commited to them that I CAN do this and so CAN they.

Don't prove me wrong. Don't sell yourself short.

This site isn't just about quitting an addiction. It's a full circle. Once you're a couple months quit, you'll analyze why you started dipping. You'll feel remorse for those you let down for so many years. You'll feel lost and depressed for the one thing that has been consistant in your life, .. your dip. Everthing else changes but your dip had remained the same. You are mourning and it will pass. You'll have triggers and be able to conquer those moments of despair. You'll see the daily struggles you endure during your quit are a part of retraining your brain the cycle that your body that become accustom to for so long. It took years to get to this point and it's not going to miraculously disappear even with 700 days quit. But it does get easier .. with each day. And it's knowing that others actually care - yes, they care enough ...... even at one am in the morning.

What makes a person think about putting a dip into their mouth after many days of not doing so? I suppose they don't realize how important their success in not caving is to them as well as my own quit. When you feel like giving up - call someone - even if you've never spoken to them, post on the forum that you need a little help. I want you to know that you can count on me! Because damn it, I am counting on you!

I'm quite sure most have bigger problems than my own .. but .. we don't differ in one aspect .. dipping is not the answer! Just realize how important you are to me and my quit. Obstacles can be conquered without tobacco. It can be done - you just have to believe in yourself!

If you need me, I'll be there.
If I need you, will you give me the same opportunity? The same respect?

.... I hope so.

-mls