* Interview with a Quitter

[DNM]

Producer: OK Samantha weÂ’re on in 3 minutes. He looks a little tense. See what you can do to loosen him up.

Samantha: Sir Dipnomore, letÂ’s talk just to loosen up. Tell me a joke, any joke. It will help relax you.

Sir DNM: Well I donÂ’t know if this is appropriate or not, but here goesÂ…
What do you get when you cross a lesbian with a hippopotamus?

Samantha: UhÂ…uhÂ…

Sir Dipnomore: Give up donÂ’t ya? You get a Lickalottapuss. Oh man! That cracks me up every time. My buddy Splintercell told me that. He really has a special sense of humor. DonÂ’t ya think?

Producer: And weÂ’re on in 3, 2, and 1Â….

Samantha: Good day to our viewers and our studio audience here at KFUK TV studio. I am Samantha Bigaho and I will be your host today as we honor, interview, and get to know Sir Dipnomore. If you havenÂ’t heard by now, Sir Dipnomore is the newest member of the QS.Org Hall Of Fame. Say hello to our audience Sir Dipnomore.

Sir Dipnomore: Why thank you Sam. I may call you Sam right?

Sam: UhÂ… uhÂ…

Sir Dipnomore: Oh yeah and call me DNM. ThatÂ’s what all my brothers call me. ItÂ’s kind of the same way with my other personality GK. AnywaysÂ… Howdy audience!

Sam: So tell us your story.

DNM: WellÂ… I donÂ’t really know where I should start. Do you want the short or long version?

Sam: This show is to honor you DNM. Do as you please.

DNM: My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi. Oh wait a minuteÂ… ThatÂ’s Navin R JohnsonÂ’s story. OK IÂ’ll tell you my story, but first can I say hey? Hey Guns! Hey Ben Miller and Virginia Jim.

Sam: Wait wait wait! Tell me when you first chewed tobacco.

DNM: It all started when I was 12 in Homer Michigan. ThatÂ’s up North pretty close to where Woody, Sobby, and Herschey live. Not real close but pretty close. Hey I think Rocky even lives somewhere in Michigan.

Sam: Please DNM! Back to the story.

DNM: OH! Ok Anyways we were in Uncle NoahÂ’s pig barn, when Matt RÂ….
You know what is real ironic? The person who helped me get hooked on nicotine has the same name as the person who helped me quit. I just realized that. How weird.

Sam: Who is this Matt that helped you quit?

DNM: WellÂ… IÂ’ve never actually met him, but he is the one responsible for starting QS.Org and helping so many men and women quit and stay quit from smokeless tobacco. You really should read about it.

Sam: OK back to the story if you will.

DNM: Oh yeahÂ… Matt thought it would be a hoot watching me get sick. So he double dog dared me and called me a pussy till I took a chew of Uncle NoahÂ’s Levi Garret. Needless to say, I did indeed get sick. ButÂ… I also vowed that I never would get caught off guard again.

Sam: What do you mean?

DNM: I was never going to get sick again in front of my friends. So I bought me some Levi.

Sam: You bought it? ButÂ… you were only 12

DNM: Sure I bought it. I mean itÂ’s not like it was cigarettes or something. Funny storyÂ… well maybe not. I went to the C-store one day after I started chewing and asked for a pouch of Levi and a pack of Kools for my dad. The clerk gave me the pouch but wouldnÂ’t sell me the smokes. Kind of makes you wonder what was going on there doesnÂ’t it. AnywaysÂ… I guess that is how I got started. I thought I was one cool mofo and I could buy it on my own. Hey did you know Out4trout entered the HOF on the same day as me. LetÂ’s call him.

Sam: No, no, no this is all about you. Tell us, how long did you chew?

DNM: Well Sam. I chewed for about 30 years. I didnÂ’t chew as much during my drunk years, because I also smoked like a coal plant, but once I quit smoking for good I was dipping a can of Copenhagen a day. Hey Winterscoal! How you doing buddy? Sorry about that. When I said coal earlier it made me think of him. I really admire that guy.

Sam: Wait, wait, wait you said you chewed Levi Garret and now your saying it was Copenhagen. Our studio audience wants to know. Why the change?

DNM: Well when we moved to Oklahoma (by the way that’s where my buddies Rod Farva, Mikeybr live), all my friends dipped Skoal and had this pretty little worn circle in the back pocket of their jeans. Not sure about most Jr. Highs in the country, but back in the late seventy’s you had to have that circle. I even knew guys who didn’t chew who would “borrow” and try to rub the circle into their pocket. What a bunch of losers… taking the short cut like that. Why didn't they just man up and chew themselves? Anyways… Like I said my friends liked Skoal and I didn’t like sharing or supporting their habit. So, I started chewing Copenhagen. Hey 20yrUser and PRD! Did you know they turn 100 tomorrow?

Sam: UhÂ… No I didnÂ’t. So tell me, why did you decide to quit?

DNM: Which time you talking about Sam?

Sam: Huh? How many times have you quit?

DNM: To be honest Sam, I lost count. IÂ’m ashamed to admit that I have no idea how many times I have promised to myself that I would quit after this can. The only time I ever went more then 3-4 hours without a dip is when I was sleeping. Did you know MikeWard and 4Micks are in my HOF class? They are pretty standup guys.

Sam: OK! Thank you DNM, but now it is time to pay the bills. When we come back, DNM will take us through why he decided to quit and those first horrifying days.

Producer: And weÂ’re out.

Sam: WTF asshole! Why do you keep throwing those names out there? IÂ’m trying to do a serious piece on quitting smokeless tobacco and all you want to do is play yanky the wanky and give shout outs to your boys. What is going on?

DNM: Listen Sam. You guys asked me to be here. Not the other way around. I told you if I came on it would have to be unedited and I could say whatever I want. If that means I mention everyone in my class by name and how much they mean to me and my quit so be it. If you donÂ’t flippin like it, IÂ’ll walk. And IÂ’ll walk right now. SoÂ… whatÂ’s it going to be?

Producer: SamÂ… Sam... Back off we got to have this interview. This guy is the hottest thing since that Gi Kea guy who wrote that one speech called "What I did this Summer"Settle down Sam. And weÂ’re back in 3, 2, and 1Â…

Sam: Welcome back. When we left DNM was about to tell us why he decided to quit chewing tobacco this time. So tell usÂ… what made you decide to quit or try to quit yet again.

DNM: Well SamÂ… It wasnÂ’t like I was wanting or looking to quit it just happened.

Sam: Just happened?

DNM: Yes, just happened. You see… my wife and I were taking a class at church. The class was called “40 days of Purpose”. Rick Warren bases the class on an amazing book of the same name that he wrote. It really made me look at my life and how I go about doing things. I highly recommend it.
Hey Dodge! Look at me! Are you taping this? I hope so. YouÂ’ll want your kids to see this. I really appreciate Dodge. If I ever go missing more then a couple days I hope he comes looking for me.

Sam: Okay, okay back to why you quit.

DNM: Oh yeah! Anyways during this class, I was asked a question. Something likeÂ… What donÂ’t you like about yourself that you wish you could change? I answered my addiction to chewing tobacco. My teacher also admitted that he too chewed. He then challenged me to quit with him before the class came to a conclusion in 4 weeks. I thought heck why not? WeÂ’ll forget all about this conversation before this class ends. At the same time, I was thinking that I have never given up my addiction to God. I have never asked God to help me with my addiction. ArenÂ’t we taught that all things are possible through Christ Jesus? IÂ’m going to do it! So IÂ’m praying about this the whole month of November and I set my quit date of December 1st 2006. I even went so far as to make sure I ran out of Copenhagen at the exact time I went to bed on Thursday night November 30th. Just a quick shout out to AllThingsNew and Doleroba. How yaÂ’ll doing?

Sam: So what was the first day like?

DNM: To tell you the truth, I donÂ’t really remember. I was at work and I was praying a lot. I mean a lot. I decided I was really giving this away to God. He was helping too, because he kept me so busy the day just flew by. The second day now was quite a different story. The second day was a Saturday and I didnÂ’t like that very much at all. I spent the majority of the day curled up in bed wishing the day away. Thank you Lord for Xanax and Ambien. Those two little pills seemed to take the edge off and help me get through the day. Mind youÂ… It wasnÂ’t how I wanted to do this, but I really needed help getting through that second day. The third day was much better. We spent almost the whole day in church and that helped more then I can tell. I really gained so much strength just being there. Hey BearKiller! What are you and Farmerted doing behind that camera? There arenÂ’t any fluffers here. Stop that! Silly old Bear.

Sam: So tell us DNM, how did you come to join QS.Org?

DNM: DonÂ’t rush me. I was getting there. Day 4 came and I was feeling good. Not real good, just good. IÂ’d read somewhere that if I could get past the 3rd day all the nicotine would be out of my system, but I was missing something. IÂ’m not sure what, but I was missing it. I got on line and somehow I found my way to QS.org and read the opening page. HmmmÂ… looks good. LetÂ’s dig a little farther maybe I can find something here that will actually give me some practical advice to stay quit. And then I read "The Secret of our Success" by Bluesman. By the time I got to the “Do Anything Approach”, I was hooked. Wow! This is exactly what I needed. After I finished that article I joined the community just for shits  grins. I posted day 4 on December 4th 2006. Within 6 minutes, Arbcubed replied and welcomed me. If he hadnÂ’t of done that so soon I may have never came back. So if any of my fans are watching this rememberÂ… First impressions are everything. We need to make sure we are contacting people as soon as they register or they may never come back. Anyways, I have to thank Arbcubed while I remember. I do appreciate you my brother. Some of the first people I really noticed that day were pdxqttr and Syzygy. Not because they noticed me mind you, but because of the uniqueness of their names. I just liked them. Now I call Syzygy the professor and haunt his dreams. HeÂ’ll be quit for a long timeÂ… if I have anything to do with it.

Sam: You mentioned posting roll. I donÂ’t get it. What does that mean?

DNM: Well Sam… Posting roll is your promise to your brothers and more importantly to yourself, that you will not chew tobacco for that day. You see… we’re not worried about quitting tobacco forever. We’re just going to quit for today and today only. We’re going to worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Then we’re going to string a whole bunch of consecutive “Todays” together. Amazing how the days fly by when you have so many people supporting you. I am really lucky to have Tireman and Jimmargphics in my class. You couldn’t ask for more consistent brothers. Not only that, but Tireman said I couldn’t quit until he did and that if I did cave before him, then he would do something terrible to my yam sack. Now I must tell you… I am rather fond of my yams. They have been with me for a long time. I ain’t letting anyone hurt them boys. So… I plan on being quit for a long time.

Sam: OK I donÂ’t mean to be crass, but is that it you post roll and promise to stay quit for the day. Is that all there is to it?

DNM: Oh Sam! You ignorant slut! There is more to it. You are just so concerned with your own airtime you didnÂ’t let me finish. Hi Wilson! Besides posting roll, we talk about how we are feeling at the time. ItÂ’s kind of neat because even though you think your alone and unique there are usually about 30 to 40 guys or gals feeling the exact same way. I mean if I was feeling real bitchy because I missed my after lunch dip, odds are that Jay8 and/or Realmencope are feeling the exact same thing. We would talk this out; comfort each other if you will. You knowÂ… misery does love company. And it is really important to surround yourself with as much company as you can those first few weeks. I am so glad Tread and Foghorn was there for me when I needed company. What are just as important though are those who came before you. If by chance I was feeling really bitchy again, but this time it might be something that Puckhead or farlow havenÂ’t experienced yet. This is when my older brothers would step in and give some kindly or kick in the nuts advice. I donÂ’t know how many times Chewy or Rodeo Timer was there to answer a question or just offer comfort. That is what makes this site work so well.

Sam: OKÂ… posting roll and advice. Is that it?

DNM: Well Sam, It could be. However for me I had to take it another step farther.

Sam: Huh?

DNM: I had to become emotionally invested in this group. Hey Hancuf! Tell Snowman to bring me one of them fried pies. Hee Hee IÂ’m kind of like Bobby Hill. I loves me fried pies.

Sam: OK and with that we must take another commercial break. When we return weÂ’ll learn exactly what DNM means by being invested. WeÂ’ll also delve into this mysterious HOF and what it represents. DonÂ’t turn that dial you wonÂ’t want to miss this.

Producer: And weÂ’re out. Hey Sam! I think you might want to tone it down just a tad. YouÂ’re really coming across as an uptight bitch to our viewing audience. Just let him tell his story. OK

Sam: OK OK But heÂ’s really getting on my nerves. I canÂ’t imagine spending a hundred days with this prick. Especially if heÂ’s jonesing for a chew.

Producer: And weÂ’re back in 3, 2, and 1Â…

Sam: Welcome back. IÂ’m Samantha Bigaho and weÂ’re talking to DNM. The most recent HOF member of QS.Org. NowÂ… DNM before we left you were about to tell us how you invested yourself into this group. Can you clarify that a bit?

DNM: Well I canÂ’t exactly remember when it started, but somehow I let 20yrUser talk me into keeping track of a roster of the March 07 Motley Quitting Crue. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! WeÂ’re the Crue! WeÂ’re the Crue! WhatÂ’s up kapdawg! WhatÂ’s up Joeypytel!
AnywaysÂ… I started tracking everyone in our class. What day they were on, when they last posted, that sort of thing. It really helped me to get to know our class somewhat better and it helped me develop a sense of real brotherhood. I mean if someone consistently posts at the same time everyday for 2 weeks and then they donÂ’t show up for a day or two, you really start to worry about them. Matter of fact IÂ’m hoping Deadrooster  SteveP get a chance to check in before this airs.

Sam: OK I see what you mean. You were tracking who was posting roll and when.

DNM: UhÂ… ThatÂ’s what I said. IsnÂ’t it?

Sam: YouÂ’re right. IÂ’m sorry. Tell usÂ… even with all this support did you have any troubles. And if so how did you overcome them.

DNM: Well SamÂ… the first thing that comes to mind is day 14. Hey Chuck! Have you seen Blue05? HeÂ’s an American hero.

Sam: Tell us about day 14, the viewers want to know.

DNM: Well here is kind of what I was going throughÂ…

I'm tired. I'm tired of being brave. I'm tired of the good fight. I'm tired of encouraging others. I'm tired of gum, seeds, jerky chew, suckers, and sweet tarts. I'm tired of posting at this site. I'm tired of pretending that I AM DOING FINE. I am not.
Even though it has been 14 days, I want a chew just as bad now as I did on day 1.
Was telling Syzygy earlier today that the only thing keeping me from caving is being able to hang out at this site and posted for a large portion of the day.

Sam: Seems pretty intense. How did you get through this?

DNM: Well Sam. This is what the forum is for. ItÂ’s so you can vent. ItÂ’s so you can reach out for help. Real soon after I posted my whiney bitchy little rant, several brothers (Rob aka Indy, Penguin, Splintercell, and Rodeo Timer) posted some really good advice for me. It was what I needed at the time. A few of them even gave me their phone number in case I was somewhere where I couldnÂ’t post. How awesome is that! Believe me I ended up calling these people over the last few months just to say hi and thanks. Hey Buck588 Good to see you posting roll buddy. Keep it up.

Sam: YouÂ’re telling me these strangers gave you their phone numbers?

DNM: You bet! Why there was this one time, I called Gi Kea on a Saturday morning. He made me hang up so he could call me back. Now is that support or what. He wanted to pay for the international call so I wouldnÂ’t have to. That really endears you to a group of people. Know what I mean?

Sam: OKÂ… posting roll, offering advice, and emotionally investing yourself. Is there anything else that helped you get this far?

DNM: IÂ’m glad you asked Sam because for me this next part was really key to my quit.

Sam: Really? So what is this key?

DNM: I had to have fun. You seeÂ…I am the kind of person that will not do anything if I canÂ’t enjoy it. Somehow I had to make this quit fun.

Sam: Let me get this straight. You wanted to make quitting smokeless tobacco fun? We got to know. Were you able to do this? And How?

DNM: Well SamÂ… I am at day 100 now arenÂ’t I? I guess it started after a couple weeks. Not really sure, but one thing I do remember clearly, is coming to the site and just laughing out loud over something that I read. Right then I decided I too wanted to be part of the party. Even though IÂ’ve never really been funny, I was the dumb ass who always thought he was funny. And you know what? What better place to just throw random shit out and see if it gets a chuckle or two? I have to admit though, most of my stuff is pretty juvenile and lame, but what the hell. It entertains me and a few other tards like Bear and Woody. So, if it helps us stay quit, why not nutflick each other every day?

Sam: Nutflick?

DNM: Yeah Â… I guess that is just where you are poking fun at each other in general, just to have something to do. I would say that a good part of my time on site has been as much about playing as it has been about finding and giving support. That is why having fun was so important to me. Now if I would of just came and posted roll everyday, I would have probably quit showing up and have lost my focus. Not saying that it would have happened, but I really believe that if I had really gotten bored and quit posting everyday, my quit would have really been in jeopardy.

Sam: Anything else?

DNM: Matter of fact there is…In addition to trying to be funny, I decided I was going to talk as much shit as I had time for or would be put up with. You see I have this problem with pride and I knew that if I really put myself out there. I mean really “in your face” out there, that there was no way I could every crawl away and cave.

Sam: But wait a minute. This is an anonymous forum. Who would know if you caved?

DNM: I told you Sam. I have an issue with pride. I would know. My quit isnÂ’t about or for anyone else. ItÂ’s not for my wife or my kids. ItÂ’s not for NYR99 or Rodster. ItÂ’s for me! I talked so much shit; I convinced myself that this is what I really really want. There is no way I could ever let myself down.

Sam: That is really an interesting way of looking at it. So tell me about this HOF and the HOF speeches. WhatÂ’s that about?

DNM: Well Sam… When an individual reaches 100 days quit they enter the Hall Of Fame. This is just a symbolic milestone that all quitters strive to achieve. Although it doesn’t mean they are in the clear forever, it does mean that they have made a huge step compared to where they have been. An HOF speech is usually huge orgy of nutflicking. This is where the speech writer goes on and on about his quit, where he started, what he went through, and who helped him get there. Then they usually end it with a tag line like, “Every morning I wake up and spank that nic-bitch into submission” or some silly shit like that. Honestly… I probably won’t do one myself. I mean, what can be said that hasn’t already be said in every way possible. You know? If I did write an HOF speech though, I would want it to be like VJ's He rules! You know… I might get Navin to do it for me, but I might have to wait a while. I heard there was a waiting line and I’m pretty sure both Bear and Woody have already given him a deposit to write theirs.

Sam: Thank you DNM. WeÂ’re coming close to the end of our time, is there anyone you would like to thank?

DNM: First, IÂ’d like to thank my lovely Lady Dipnomore of 23 years. Without her IÂ’m not sure how I would have coped. She has been there for all the good and all the not so good times. She always insured I always had what I needed when I needed it (even when I forgot it). She always supports me even if she doesnÂ’t agree with me. I am truly blessed.

I would also like to thank Flav and all the other moderators who help keep the QS site running. I know this is a thankless job, but so many have been blessed, if not saved through your work. You are awesome!

IÂ’d like to thank 7iron for the personal attention he paid me. I remember well the night I lost one of the Crue. He (one of my Crue) caved over the phone while he was crying. Nothing I could say could talk him out of it. It really tore me up. You called me that night and we talked. I donÂ’t remember what we talked about, but I know it meant a lot to me. You also shared some really good, practical advice in several PMÂ’s. I still go back and read them whenever the need arises. You truly are a leader among leaders and I am fortunate to have been able to correspond and talk to you.

Next on my long list are the Units. You guys Rock! Thanks for allowing me to just butt in whenever I felt like it.
ChewyÂ… thank you for them random phone calls. They always brighten my day. I also want to thank you for your HOF creed.

CHEWIE'S HOF CREED
I promise to remember the first 2 weeks of my quit...
I promise to remember WHY I quit in the first place...
I promise to take things a day at a time...
I promise to recognize little successes...
I promise to post roll on a regular basis...
I promise to recognize those before me...
I promise to recognize that I have great friends on QS.org...
I promise to REMEMBER why those people are my friend and what brought us together...
I promise to have a way to get a hold of a brother and a way for others to get a hold of me (email, cell phone, etc.)
I promise that I won't cave without getting permission from a quit brother...
I promise to recognize that there will always be a reason NOT to dip...
I promise to be there for a brother in need...
I promise that I won't forget all I've gone through to get to where I am today.

This is really good stuff that has helped me daily. I thank you for sharing it with the rest of us.
sbtzcÂ… What can I say that The Voices in my Head havenÂ’t said already? I truly appreciate and admire your sense of humor and common sense approach. Thanks for always being there when needed and even when your not.
Gi Kea… I’m still picking up my feet, so you can keep pushing me. That article you wrote on Dec 6th really hooked me to the forum and is one of the reasons I kept coming back for more. The support you have given me and the Crue is more then one could ask for and I am honored to be one of your alter egos. If I do ever get around to writing an HOF speech, I think I’ll title it “What I did this Winter” in honor of you.

Next on my list are my St. Nics. Rodeo Timer and Euty. Your support and in your face advice are just what my sorry self needed most of the time. Thank you for being there one day at a time with me.

Sam: IÂ’m sorry DNM we are running out time. Could you please close it up?

DNM: Sorry Sam, but you asked me whom I wanted to thank, so I think it is only appropriate you allow me the time to do so.

Sam: OK okÂ… get to it already.

DNM: Next are my LTQ heroÂ’s. I want to thank you guys for issuing me a library card even though I got the color wrong. Thank you all for encouraging me and kicking me in the ass as needed. Special thanks to Splintercell and Mikeybr. Your calls always seemed to call at the right time. Thank you for allowing me into your life. I am better quitter for it.

My list would not be complete without thedude from the Misfits. Even though you are in LA, I know right where to go if I need you. Thanks for all the encouragement.

MARCH 07 MOTLEY QUITTING CRUE…. What more can or needs to be said? You guys are the best bunch of brothers a guy could ask for. What a Motley Crue! Such diversity. We come from all over the states and cover so many different careers. I think this is what helped us so much. I wish I could mention all your names, but Sam is being such a wad with her “we’re running out of time bull shit”. I will however point out a few brothers who have been very instrumental in my quit.
Woody… what can I say? Thank you for coming into my life. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be paying alimony. Thank you for being a father to the red headed one. Thank you also for being there and letting me treat you like a little brother. You truly make me “feel” smarter and have every since you asked permission to ask questions. This was truly a classic moment in Crue history from a classy guy.
Navin Â… You inspire me to just want to be better at everything. Your wisdom seems beyond your years. The Crue is truly lucky to have you in the group. Thank you for the spankings youÂ’ve given me, and keeping the conversation interesting. You are definitely a leader of the Crue and should be recognized as such.
BearÂ…Thank your President for me for allowing you so much (bleep) off time while at work. If everyone at work screwed off as much as you, the GNP would surely drop by 63%. However, because of you I had someone to pass the time away when I really needed to keep my mind off of dip. Thanks for being a good sport about everything. Looking forward to those honeymoon pictures.
DodgeÂ… Thank you for the untold amount of PMs you have sent. Thank you also for being such a solid stand up brother. Although you will be the last, there is no way youÂ’ll ever be the least. You have really helped keep this Crue together and you deserve much praise.

Sam: Wow! That is quite a list. Do you have any final words or advise for our audience?

DNM: Sure Sam. IÂ’ll try to keep it brief.
GuysÂ… addiction to tobacco sucks. Not only does it control what you do, how you do, when you do, where you do, but it costs a shit-load of money and can lead to your death. You have to ask yourselfÂ… Is it worth it? If youÂ’re thinking about quitting, I invite you to QS.Org. Read. Read some more. Read everything you can. If you still want to quit and youÂ’re ready, join the community and be my new brother or sister. Then join a quit group. Once you do join a quit group I offer this advice.
1) Post roll each and everyday, promising to stay quit just for that day.
2) Get to know your quit brothers and sisters.
3) Keep track of your quit brothers and sisters.
4) Read every word that is posted in your group. Especially everything Rob aka Indy posts.
5) Trade phone numbers with your brothers and use them if you even think about buying a tin.
6) Develop a plan for what you are going to do when a crave does hit, because it will happen.
7) PM me for anything. I will help if I can.
8) Have fun with it.
9) Polish your sword. Polish it daily if needed. A shiny sword is a happy sword.
10) Find you a Woody and a Bear and donÂ’t let go.
11) And did I mention have fun with it.

Most importantlyÂ… Every morning when you wake up, thank the Lord for blessing you with another day. And when youÂ’re done doing that, turn around and slap the nic-bitch into submission cause youÂ’re going to be a quitter for one more day.

Sam: And there you have it ladies and gentlemen Sir Dipnomore. Thank you DNM. We hope to do this again if and when you do decide to write your HOF speech.

DNM: Well SamÂ… Like I said earlier, I probably wonÂ’t write one, but if I do IÂ’d be honored to come on your show and read it.

Sam: Thank you and thank you to our studio audience. DonÂ’t miss our show next week when weÂ’ll be talking to Tom from North Carolina. He is a specialist in dog fertility. We are told he is the master of dog ejaculation. Until thenÂ… goodnight.

Producer: AndÂ… weÂ’re out. Great job DNM! You really are the hottest thing since Tyler Durden. The audience loved you.

DNM: Thanks! I reckon IÂ’ll be heading home now. YaÂ’ll take care.

Producer: Hey Samantha! Your girlfriend is here. Is she dipping? I bet kissing her tastes like shit. What a fuctard! Make her sit down and watch this tape of DNM. ItÂ’s going to be a classic I tell ya.