Hello. You all know me as DiscoVietnam25, but my real name is Alex. I am 33 years old, I live in Reno, NV, and I am-until recently-a liar.
That last statement is important to articulate, and is integral in my continued success not only in quitting but in life. To start at the beginning, I've always been down to try stuff. Never really smoked tobacco other than the weekend hookah nights and the occasional cigar so I didn't think I'd ever find myself where I found myself. But then there was that fateful day out golfing with some friends when somebody offered me a snus and it being a novelty, I was . General Mint, fresh on the scene here in Reno, and it was love at first pouch. I went home with a pouch in my lip and my wife didn't notice. And I didn't tell her. And then I looked up the closest store that carried that particular brand and immediately set off to get my very own, very first can under the guise of picking up some snacks for us. That was the very first time that I lied about my addiction.
This continued on for years, my own private vice. Always coming close to getting caught but it never happened. There are so many memories and pictures where I have a snus in my lip and nobody knows. The pictures of me holding my son for the first time, trips to Disneyland, Christmases, all of those I have my secret in my lip. All of those were the lies that I was carrying with me.
I eventually did get caught, we took a trip to South Carolina to visit family and I had brought a weeks supply. My wife found all the cans in the suitcase when she was cleaning up one day and that led to the first time I almost got divorced. It was the dishonesty, the lies, the stupidity. But I didn't quit then, I switched to Zyn, same thing as the snus only no tobacco, just nicotine, and no tobacco breath so I could hide it even better. I continued to lie for my addiction. When my son, now a toddler would catch me putting in a pouch, I told him they were my special mints. Lies. Lies. Lies.
So fast forward to the present and my marriage had hit another wall. As they do. I was staying at my parents and feeling pretty low and was getting ready to go by another can and I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't lie for this shit anymore. So I Googled quitting mouth tobacco and found this site and the following day was my day 1. And that set me on the path to being honest with myself, my family, my friends, everything.
I was nervous to join at first, I really was. There is a stereotype of what your average "chewer" is, and I am definitely not one to fit in that stereotype. But what I found, and what is vital to continued success for all of us is that we have one very huge thing in common. We are all recovering addicts. We all know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night with your mouth screaming at you to put something in it. We all know what it's like to be so irritable that the smallest thing causes us to turn into monsters. We all know and can sympathize.
I was not expecting to find a community like I have on KTC. I don't post as much as I'd like, I don't text as regularly as I should, but I do spend a lot of time on here reading and learning about everyone. I find comfort for myself in that, as weird as it sounds. Like sometimes when you're hanging out with your friends and sometimes you let the loud ones do their thing and you just sit back and drink your beer and enjoy the moment.
In this first 100 days, I have learned to be honest. Once you start taking care of yourself, it's amazing how the self esteem grows and you are able to get the confidence to be honest about all aspects of your life. I realized recently that my marriage was pretty awful and that hey, it's not my fault. I mean, the lying about tobacco was but there's a whole novel of shit I could type out regarding that. So I stood up for myself. And I'm so happy today.
I want to thank everyone on KTC and especially in the January 2018 FURY group. I sincerely appreciate you guys. I appreciate the texts every morning, even if you didn't get one back. I appreciate the jokes and the PMs and post vortexes and all that shit. My wish for you is to remember why you are here and remember the good that you are doing. It breaks my heart when I see you guys get crazy at each other. We're all on the same team in here. We've all got the same shit going on, we're all struggling, but most importantly, we all have the ability to help each other through that.
Finally, remember that we can take this out into the world at large. Lots of people are struggling with lots of different things. Just like our addiction doesn't define us, our fellow humans' struggles maybe don't define them either. Maybe, all you gotta do is be a point of support, just like you have been for me.
I'm proud of this first 100 days, but it's just halfway to 200, or 10% of 1000. It's going to be a journey, and I'm excited for each step.
