WW Introduction

[walterwhite]

June 20th, 2017, 3:09 pm #98

I posted this in April 16 today...

I go to a concert Sunday with my wife and some friends. We got around to reminiscing about college and all the stupid stuff we did. I see my one buddy has a dip in. We used to dip all the time together but now he will try to hide it from me since I quit. So with this reminiscing and seeing him dipping really gave me the strongest crave I had in a long time. I go up to him and we start talking…he ask me if I’m still quit and I say yes… 532 days and with a big smile and tell him how happy I am to be quit. In the back of my mind though…I’m like….I WANT A DIP SO BAD RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew that without a doubt I would have tried to bum a dip from him in that moment if I didn’t post roll. No questions about it.

Lesson of the day…Don’t get complacent in you quit.

[walterwhite]

May 17th, 2017, 12:54 pm #90

500 Days. A day I didn’t think was possible when I first started. I would see other quitters with big numbers and think…holy shit…that will be forever to get there. What I didn’t realize was that the formula is really simple….ODAAT. It might be cliché but it really works. Just take it one day at a time and you will succeed. Want proof? Look at me. I was a pansy ass that always got derailed from quitting because I always thought…no way I could not do something in the future without dip. So I would then go buy tin and waste months to years before trying to quit again.

500 days ago…I put my name on roll and decided to finally quit. It was one of the best decisions that I ever made. I haven’t regretted that decision. I’m lucky and very thankful for KTC. Thanks to all of you who give back and help new quitters. Without you…I wouldn’t be quit.

And don’t worry...I’m not going anywhere…at least for today.

[walterwhite]

February 8th, 2017, 10:39 am #82

Day 402...

Today I had the worst craving I have had in a long time. My son is dealing with the stomach bug. Yesterday he stayed home by himself. Today, my wife asked if I could stay home with him. I said yes and my first thought...I can dip all day long and nobody would know. That thought turned into a full blown attack. It felt like it lasted forever. Even at over 400 days...that nic bitch sure can swing a mighty punch. If it wasn't for KTC and reminding myself daily that I'm an addict by posting roll...I do think I would have rewarded myself with a dip today. Thinking just today I will use and tomorrow I will go back to being quit. That plan never worked out in the past. How stupid would I have been?

I can't remember the last craving I had before this. I have had thoughts before but nothing that really had me going. Since October...My quit has been really easy. I still think about dip all the time. These thoughts are more...I'm so glad that I'm finally quit. I'm so glad this isn't last year where I was struggling daily with craves and fighting for my freedom. Everyday that I'm quit is a great day. Since quitting my life and attitude has really improved.

[walterwhite]

January 5th, 2017, 12:55 pm #77

One year quit…day 368

I thought it would feel different at 1 year. I don’t want to sound like a party pooper but I didn’t wake up like a kid on Christmas morning. Maybe it has to do with having a head cold or maybe I’m just maturing in my quit. I was hoping to have something really profound to say. Maybe something that you would read and think…holy shit…this dude is bad ass. But no…I got nothing.

I’m cruising right along in my quit. I don’t really have craves anymore. I might get a crave once every couple of weeks. It goes away really fast though. I haven’t had the funk in many months. I’m really enjoying my quit. I have been through many of the things that I did with dip…now without it. I was excepting more problems with Thanksgiving and Christmas but I had no issues. I was really happy to spend time with the family and not have to worry about getting my fix.

There are things that I’m working on to make me a better person. I wrote about these things before and I think I’m making progress. My life is at a better place. I’m much happier. I’m not living with a dread over my life. I’m finally free. I never thought I would feel this good from quitting. Early on…I wondered if I would ever get excited about an event without dip. Now I excited about the event and doing it dip free. That is really cool.

Most days I feel like helping out and other days…I wonder how long will I do this? Do I really need to post roll for the rest of my life? Do I really need to be posting in a new group and offering to help a new quitter? These thoughts keep creeping into my brain. I think that is why people leave KTC. They are finally quit. Their daily battle is over. They start to think about the future and they don’t want to post roll for the rest of their life start to creep in. I also don’t want to post roll or commit to something for the rest of my life. That is way too scary. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. What I found is that if I just post roll today all these other issues will work out. Without KTC…I might be quit…with KTC I’m quit. I’m forever grateful to those that have helped me. Without you being here each day…KTC doesn’t work.

[walterwhite]

December 8th, 2016, 12:05 pm #66

December 4, 2014…I tried to quit on this date. I would be over two years quit today. I would be 736 days quit…instead I’m 340. I quit for a life insurance test. I thought…this time I will stop for real. I made it over 150 days. One weekend I bought a can and you know how it goes…I was back to my 2 tins a day in no time. I remember thinking that I’m a failure and how disappointed I was in myself. It took me over 7 months to try again. I knew this quit had to be my last one. I was so done with it. Approaching one year quit I find myself looking back into my past and realizing how long I wasted feeding my addiction. I never realized that I was an addict. I always thought I could quit whenever I wanted. It makes me sad to think of the wasted money, time and energy to feed this addiction. The damage it did to my health. It still makes me angry to think that something could control my life AND that I had no idea that it was doing it. I think it helps to look back and learn from your mistakes. The problem is when that is all you doing. You need to look forward and grow each day. This year has been the best year of my life. I have made tremendous strides in improving myself. I felt it would be nice to list them…

1.   I’m finally QUIT.
2.   I told my wife that I was a ninja dipper. Our marriage is stronger. I’m no longer hiding something from her.
3.   I told my son and daughter that I’m an addict. I hope they never try nicotine.
4.   I realized that I substituted alcohol for nicotine. I have made great strides and proud of where I’m at with it.
5.   I have become a better father. My kids always called me Scourge. I never wanted to do anything because I wanted to be by myself to ninja dip. I love doing things with my family now.
6.   I have become a better person. I’m more relaxed. I find it helps me to help others.
7.   The first time in a long time…I don’t have this nagging feeling over me. I’m finally living my life free from my addictions. I’m really happy. Hiding this all those years took a toll on me.

What I have found out this past year…is that we all have issues that nicotine masked. These are coming out now and they will need to be addressed. Don’t let another day be wasted deciding what to do about them. Nike…really does have the best motto…Just Do It.

Thanks again for your support this past year…I look forward to us growing each and every day together.

[walterwhite]

October 31st, 2016, 11:01 am #61

Posted this in April...Day 302

A couple of things I have noticed since quitting. I’m drinking too much. I feel like I have replaced nicotine with alcohol. I have made an effort to fix that. Also…when I’m stressed…I crave big time. I’m short tempered and can get really moody. This past Friday night it came to a head. I have a major project going at work. I have a major renovation being down at my house. My kids drive me nuts some (most) days. My wife is very supportive but calls out my behavior. I get home from work and find out that the kids want to carve pumpkins later that night. Before quitting…I would have a couple of beers and dip while they carved pumpkins. That night...I had neither and it wasn’t easy. I snapped at my daughter early that night…I have been snapping at her way to much and need to fix that too. My wife called me out on it. I head to the gym to see it that can fix my mood. I can’t remember the last time I worked out on a Friday night. I bang out 4 miles on the treadmill. I come home more relaxed but still craving bad. I tried to remain positive throughout the night. They carved their pumpkins and it was fun. I helped my daughter (she is 11) carve hers and at the end…she gave me a big hug and said, “Thanks, Dad, for helping me”. I felt like shit since I snapped at her earlier that evening.

Since quitting…I have found some major and minor behavioral flaws that I need to fix. I’m working at them. One day hopefully I will look back at me quitting nicotine as the moment that I grew up and became a better person, father, husband…

[walterwhite]

October 7th, 2016, 12:05 pm #55

Posted this in April...Day 278.

What a difference quitting has made on my life. Tonight is a big HS football game in my area. It will be sold out and you will need to get there an hour early just to get a seat. I usually hate crowds or going into situations that I will be uncomfortable. Last year for this game I got into a small argument with the wife. She thought it would be fun to go…I thought it would be a pain in the ass. She knows that I hate crowds but she didn’t know that I dipped. She said…fine…you stay and I will take the kids. This wasn’t the first time I started a fight to stay home by self either. At first my addict brain was like this is great. I get to sit at home by myself and dip care free. When I look back at this situation…I think I started the fight so I might be able to stay home a dip. That is pretty shitty. I did come to my senses because I felt like shit starting a fight over nothing. Leading up to the game I was dreading it. I was in a bad mood. I went to the game and had a really good time. This year…I told her we should go to the game again. I’m looking forward to the game tonight.

Quitting isn’t always a walk in the park. Some days it is a real struggle. Some days I questions if I want to still fight for my quit. Some days I miss dipping. Every day I wish I wasn’t an addict. During these days or moments I try to remember all the baggage that went with being a slave…the lying, fighting and using something that will eventually kill me. For every victory cherish them like they are the most important thing in your life. Celebrate and enjoy it like the day your first child was born. Store them in your memory bank for times that you don’t want to fight anymore. It will help you remember why you are fighting each day for your freedom.

[walterwhite]

September 12th, 2016, 11:31 am #52

Posted this in April...Day 253

A couple of things I’m really happy about…

1-Eagles…I love football and they won.
2-I was sitting on my patio Friday night with some friends. One dips and we used to dip all the time together. He knows that I quit and tries to not dip around me. I was talking to him again and my quit and I said…I’m 250 days quit…he said that is awesome. He tells me that he can’t do it…he needs to dip while playing golf. The addict talk…I remember saying similar things in the past. He just isn’t ready to quit…I hope he gets ready soon…for him and his family.
3-Saturday night…played poker with some neighbors. I lost but I still consider it a win. Two neighbors dip…and they were dipping all night long. I thought it might be a problem for me but it turned out to be nothing. I never wanted to and I thought…this is awesome being quit. When I first quit…I never thought nights like this past weekend were possible…hanging around dippers, not craving and being actually happy about being quit.

[walterwhite]

September 6th, 2016, 10:58 am #48

Day 247

Labor Day Weekend…the end of summer…the beginning of fall…football season. Too many triggers for me this past couple of days. I really struggled this weekend. The craving never really went away for me. I was sitting on my patio last night thinking about it…and what I realized is really scary.

Before finding KTC…I would have bought a tin this past weekend. There is no doubt in my mind.

Before KTC…I never realized that I was an addict. I would have bought a tin thinking one is ok. I would have thought…just this weekend. I would have thought…come Tuesday…I would just go back to quit. That is what I did in the past and it is why I never quit.

After finding KTC…this is what I know…

•   I’m an addict
•   One is never enough
•   I’m quit

I have a different mindset. There is no justification for it. I’m done and so happy about it. Do I miss it sometimes? Yes. Do I hate nicotine and everything that went with it? Yes. Can I foresee myself going back to the tin? No fucking way. Why do you ask? I love being quit and make quitting a priority each day. Posting roll isn’t a chore for me. Posting roll is a way to make quitting a priority each day. I have worked way too hard for my freedom and I’m not about to piss it away.

[walterwhite]

July 13th, 2016, 1:20 pm #47

Day 192...Posted in my April group.

Anybody else watch the baseball ASG last night? They will be calling the NL batting champ award the Tony Gwynn award. Sadly he died from cancer caused from dipping in 2014. His family was on hand but I keep thinking…that totally sucks for his family. How sad. Don’t you think they wish Tony was there himself accepting that honor? I sure do. One of the positives…His death caused a bunch of people to quit and it just reinforced my quit last night. Never in my lifetime would I expect to get an honor like that but just in case I do…I want to be around to witness it. Maybe one of my children will get an award like that…Who knows but I want to be there in the flesh if they do.

[walterwhite]

June 8th, 2016, 9:46 am #43

Day 157

I’m a major sports fan. I love watching it on TV. I’m from Philly so when any of the local teams are playing, I’m watching or following. I love watching March Madness, Golf Majors and Soccer too. So last night I get home from work and I’m thinking…this is perfect…Men’s national soccer team is playing tonight. I get this happy feeling come over me. I also get a crave from my old friend. It was a weird crave this time. In the past I would get this major crave that wouldn’t go away. Last night it was more a whisper. She was saying…remember me? I used to be by your side during these fun times…just me and you on the sofa. It won’t be the same without me. To get past these moments…I go back to the minute to minute thing that I did in the beginning of my quit. I had 3 hours till game time so I just keep myself busy and tried not to think about it anymore. By the time the game started, I really didn’t even think about again. ODAAT really works. Live in the moment. Don’t worry about the future…even if you are only talking a few hours. Thinking too far ahead has killed too many of my quits in the past. When I say live in the moment…you also have to be prepared for the future though. Just don’t dwell on it. Have a plan in place for those times that you think it might be too much.

On a side note…this is the longest I have been quit in 20 years. No way I’m going back and starting over. I’m doing everything to protect this Quit.

[walterwhite]

May 31st, 2016, 1:20 pm #38

Day 149 post...I'm feeling really great lately.

I wanted to share some wins from this past weekend.

I took last Thursday and Friday off to get some yard work done. It was the 1st time putting mulch down without dip. I thought of it a couple of times but just went back to work and forgot about it. Felt great to not have the raw gums from dipping all day long…just the sore muscles though. Getting older really sucks.

My in-laws have a beach house in NJ. We go down about 5 times during the summer for long weekends. Memorial Day is opening weekend. I was a ninja dipper. In the past I would have to plan to make sure I had enough tins to last the weekend. I would have to sneak off to get my fix. When relaxing on the beach with the family I would get ancy to get back to the house so I could get my fix. Going out with the family at night was a no go so I could get my fix. Family time I hated because I couldn’t get my fix. This past weekend was perfect. We went on bike rides, out for ice cream and spent the whole day on the beach without the need to get my fix. I am so much more relaxed and enjoying life. I love being NOT a slave to the tin anymore.

[walterwhite]

May 18th, 2016, 1:33 pm #32

A post from yesterday (day 135) and one from today from my April group...this post HOF phase is tough.

I’m reaching my breaking point with quitting. I’m thinking more and more of throwing in the towel and saying fuck it. I’ve been dealing with tension in my jaw since I quit. Some days it is ok and other days it just plain sucks. I find myself romancing the dip again and not hating it. Some days I find myself longing for what I think are happier times when I used to dip. I know this feeling will past but when? 90% of my days are awesome and I really love being quit. It is that 10% that just doesn’t want to go away. I don’t have major craves but more of a longing…a sadness. My brain is telling me that those times when I dipped where awesome and you will not have that much fun again. I’m writing this out to show and tell myself that this longing and sadness is all BS. It will get better. It is another one of Nic Bitches attempts at controlling me. It just plain sucks though.

I’m not going anywhere. When I left work yesterday to drive home…I thought about dip and what would happen if I bought a tin. In the past…after an extended break…and I would get the fuck its and my thoughts turned to buying a tin. I would get this rush…this high…like a drug and couldn’t wait to get to the store and buy one. Yesterday…nothing…no high or rush. Just utter disappointment if I bought one. I also thought about the promise that I made on roll. No way could I let you guys down. My word means something to me. My thoughts then turned to maybe tomorrow? But that didn’t go very far either…because…we quit today and worry about tomorrow…tomorrow. So then I thought…why this funk? What is happening or not happening that I’m dealing with this shit since day 120 or so. I think I need a vacation from quitting and work. I can’t vacation from quitting though so I’ll just take some time off from work. I haven’t had a day off from work, other than company holidays, since December. That is way too long…I need “ME” time. I have some vacation days coming up next week. I can’t wait. Let's QLF today.

[walterwhite]

 May 9th, 2016, 12:43 pm #29
Day 127...

This past Saturday just plan sucked. It felt like I was back at square one again. The nic bitch was calling my name all day long. It was whispering…just go buy a tin. I felt in control of the situation but it wasn’t very enjoyable. I was glad I made my promise early in the day. It was one of the tools that I used to overcome the whispering. Last night I had the most intense dip dream. I had caved and I thought…how do I hide this from the group? I was so disappointed in myself. Even after I woke up…I still felt like it was real. Today I feel this sense of disappointment in myself. Very weird. I haven’t felt right in a couple of days. Before this episode…I was cruising along and enjoying life.

Today I came across Wildirish317 signature and he had a link that I found useful…

Please read it…Two Stages of Withdrawal

https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm

That got me thinking…how can someone just stop posting roll after HOF? Maybe they think they got this addiction under control? Maybe they don’t realize they are addicted anymore. We have lost 15 quitters since HOF. Think back to before you quit. How much did you want to quit? Where you willing to do everything in your power to quit? How much did you hate yourself for being a slave to the can? My question is…what has changed from day 1 that you think that you don’t need KTC? Have you been cured? I haven’t and this weekend was another wakeup call to double down and make sure I’m doing everything in my power to quit. I’m not going back to being a slave to the can because it just fucking sucks.

[walterwhite]

April 25th, 2016, 12:57 pm #28

Day 113. Pretty easy stretch of days. I'm liking it.

This past weekend was really busy and I thought about dip a lot. I would think while driving…I used to dip while driving. Also when I was doing yard work, after yard work, having a couple of beers and etc…Dip was constantly on my mind. I would think…go get a tin. It was nice to be able to think it and easily say…No….I’m quit. I have no desire to be a slave to the can ever again. I really enjoy my freedom. I know I’m not cured. I know by coming here each day to make my promise it just reinforces my quit. If I didn’t, I would forget the struggle of the first 100 days. I would forget that I’m an addict. That one never works out in the end.