Unexpected Day #1

[harvestgirl]

07 Feb 2017, 05:28
Day 135

Maybe this post is a little deeper than what most would prefer. I don't care. I stand by the comment I've made numerous times- if this post helps just one person, then my fight is worth it.

The past few weeks have been hard. It's been like being back in the early days of the fog.
Just when I think my brain has adjusted to not having nic, and getting readjusted to a medication adjustment, etc., the nic bitch just fucking laughs in my face and rears her ugly head.

My insomnia has never been worse- it's like my brain has decided that sleep isn't required. My bipolar, while not "worse" has been creeping slowly towards the manic spectrum because of the lack of sleep- which turns it into a cyclic battle. I can't hold attention to anything. I eat right, I exercise, only coffee in the morning. It gets frustrating when people ask "oh, have you tried this?" "This worked great for my friend!" I love that people care, but this isn't a new thing for me; I've been like this since I was a teenager. Yes, I am under medical attention. No, I don't have any suicidal ideologies.

Every day it never fails to amaze me what I learn about my body and my brain now that I don't have the crutch of any nicotine stimulant to mask my brain. Bipolar/PTSD/depression/OCD, anxiety, etc. physically damages the neuro pathways of your brain. Nicotine is a brilliantly evil masquerade ball. The physical damage to my brain has been coming out in full force. Because I'm treatment resistant (meaning I don't respond well to many forms of medication), my doctor and I have opted for a fairly controversial treatment since early December. It involves injections of ketamine on a regular basis. Ketamine is thought to rebuild those damaged pathways. While it's showing promise for me, it's definitely revealing the extent of damage, and is also very case by case on the dosage and schedule of injections. The side effects are much more gentle than any SSRI/SARI/SNRI that I've been on, but each treatment can be exhausting and nauseating.

I'm not going to cave. I don't want to chew ever again. I LOVE not chewing anymore. I post my promise on here and have a great support of friends that I've made here that text me daily, an amazing GroupMe with my January family, etc. I refuse to cave.

But there's that one little last nic voice whispering in the back of my head, "You felt so much better while chewing.You didn't have these side effects. You felt normal and sane. You can use me as a security blanket."

And I say to her, "Fuck you."
JGlav
We are with you for all battles. Nic or others. Stay strong. THere will be a solution for you. Never stop fighting. Proud to quit with you today
Law1358
I know you have alot of support, but we are all here for any battle that you may face!! You know Im always praying, and I know that you'll kick whatever obstacle you face right in the Ass!!!

[harvestgirl]

30 Jan 2017, 08:49
Day 127

Yesterday I got the news that a distant but very very dear family member passed away.
Ollie was just shy of his 90th birthday and was still called Junior until the day he died.
Jr. was one of the last of that rare old breed. Tough old farmer. Collection of Allis Chalmers.
The kind of man that was always sneaking out and tinkering on his farm until it was time to go into the nursing home.
I remember being very young and going to his farm and I remember him ever so patiently taking me by my hand and kneeling down in the rows of sprouting corn and explaining to me what corn was...what corn is used for....how they plant it. I had to have only been four years old. I remember him pulling up one seedling ever so gently and pointing out the young roots, the start of the leaves, then replanting it, packing the dirt around it. I swear his hands were the size of garbage cans lids.
I hear his name and I can smell the first cutting of hay.

Godspeed my Ollie. Have fun up there tinkering on God's tractors.
rdad
127 days ago you would have been trying to sooth this sorrow with dip. I'm so glad that's not the case now. You are doing great Harvestgirl. Sorry for your loss.
ChickDip
Thoughts are with you HG, and plus.
I hope you have a very happy birthday.
Nomore1959
Wonderful memories Harvest, thanks for sharing. I hope your birthday brings you happy thoughts.

JGlav
Sorry for your loss HG. Memories like that never fade though. HAppy Bday too

[harvestgirl]

28 Jan 2017, 20:35
Day 125:

So today was a weird day for me.

I woke up way late (because I finally slept for the first time in like a week), which made me late to an interview that I was giving to a potential summer employee (thankfully only by like 10 minutes), and couldn't post (no reception/polite chance really).
So, I asked for a pick up. I text a good number of people on here every day with my promise. Group chats, personal texts, etc.

But today I didn't personally post roll.

And the whole rest of the day I felt like was missing something.

I hate not being able to post roll myself, especially when we're near the end of HOF month.


JB65
I think this is so cool. asking for pickup and feelin like something is missing. Take if from me, I'm the King of asking for pickup in my group. Travel soooo much leave sooooo early and posting from mobile just F's up roll..

Dont feel bad at all. You are such a great quitter and a great example to young and old quits alike. Love reading your updates. Keep em coming
pab1964
Now that is a true quitter. Definitely smells like a badass quit in here! Damn proud to be quitting with you today
Stranger999
I would so much rather get a text from a quitter than to see someone go missing on roll. There is no shame in texting or emailing or sending a smoke signal. There should be shame in missing roll. I'm glad that you care so much about posting HG.

[harvestgirl]

22 Jan 2017, 12:56
Day 119-

I've spent the past week on the road- Eric Church concert weekend in Sioux Falls and then spent five days in Omaha for the US Custom Harvesters Convention.

It didn't leave me with a whole lot of time to pop on here- posting roll was definitely my bare minimum attempt these past few days.

Turns out, I miss this damn place. I miss posting the support for my friends. I miss screwing around in chat.

Damn it, you guys sucked me in.

SirDerek
easy answer. you have become a friend.
Law1358
I agree with this 100% HG, glad you are back home! I have never met you in person, but I consider you as good a friend as anyone!! Thank you for saving my quit on a couple occasions, and I'm proud to quit with you and call you a friend

[harvestgirl]

11 Jan 2017, 18:11
Day 108-

Finally got my HOF Speech up.

JGlav
It's a beut. Well done. Guaranteed someone new gives it a read and becomes the reason they quit. Nice job!
Rawls
Well done HG.
Your HOF Helped me.....
Quit On!
Rawls 786

[harvestgirl]

07 Jan 2017, 14:08
Day 104-

Trying to write a HOF speech but keep getting writers block. I've been browsing through other speeches, but nothing is triggering me to write.
Something I can't force.
Everyone's quit is different, and everyone's speech is different, but it's still the same.

Someday it'll come to me.

ChickDip
Don't force it...you'll get inspired when the time is right.
brettlees
Agreed! ^^^^^^ Just let it come. It'll hit you. You've been a great contributor, just being your own quit self. You dont have to hit it out of the park on the HOF speech, either- you can always keep posting here!
Thumblewort
gRATZ ON THE hOf and being the Queen of chat!
Steakbomb18
Sorry for missing the big day, but I still wanted to give you a huge congrats for achieving ...for earning that HOF. Your passion for quitting and dedication to this is second to none. Congrats HG!
JB65
Agree. I've yet to write one. And dont plan to. I DO plan to set a good example for new quitters and fellow vet quitters alike. Surf the intros and help newbies get settled.

I had a quit for a couple years, some years ago... and i feel like if i write a HOF speech i may let my guard down. This helps keep me active. Works for me. HOF speeches work for others.

Do what is best for you!

Oh yeah, and keep being the bad ass quitter you are proud to be quit with you today

[harvestgirl]

Hey skank, happy Sunday

goddamnit I'm transferring my Intro over asshole.
Thank you.

[harvestgirl]

dieselchick87
Congratulations on reaching HOF!!!!
Nolaq
Awesome job!
MN_Ben
Congrats!!!
ChickDip
HG....gurl, Congrats on your 100.
Cheers to 101!
Law1358
I am extremely proud to be quit with you!! Congratulations on Hall of Fame!! You are definitely an inspiration to many

[Gas]

Hey skank, happy Sunday

[harvestgirl]

01 Jan 2017, 19:53
Day 98.
Close to HOF.
Everyone has been asking, "are you excited?"
Sure, I'm excited. It's fun to start seeing my fellow group start reaching their 100 day milestones. Sure, I'm looking forward to it and to see what will be written about me lol.

But, it's just another day. Fighting this isn't going to ever stop. My addictions (not just nic) aren't ever going to stop, and I'll always be trying and going for 200, 300, my first year. This quit doesn't end at 100; it's not a magic number.

Bokie
The 100 days is a short term goal where you show as newbies what's possible. 100 days down, 1 to go. Not the end goal, but one you should be very proud to accomplish. I'm proud to quit with you, and will be with you on Day 98, 99, 100 and on. Lead the way!
dieselchick87
I am proud to be quit with you today and every day. You are an inspiration whether you know it or not.

[harvestgirl]

29 Dec 2016, 16:25
95 and Christmas

One of the things that we tell fresh quits is to avoid their triggers when they can- don't drink, don't hang out with shitty friends that act like assholes and try to get you to dip again, etc.

We tell them that if they can't avoid that trigger, to learn how to deal with it. Taking a shit? After a meal? Obviously those are little things that with repetitively working through it, get better.

What happens when you find out that your biggest trigger is your parents home, especially your own mother? I haven't been home to WI in 9 months, and I haven't been clean in my parents house from nic in over 8 years, completely sober and clean from anything in much much longer than that.

I knew the drive back to WI was going to be rough- it was, but I dealt decently, even with the added time, making it a 15 hour straight shot.

But I didn't expect to be 100% blindsided at how hard being in my childhood home was. At one point, I was in the bathroom trying not to cry hysterically or hyperventilate. I sent out an SOS text to a few different people.

I asked one specific person what to do. His response, simply, was “Fight.”

And I fought. And I'm still fighting. And, I will always be fighting this.

That night was one of the hardest of my quit. I was drained and in a dark place. I was craving, but not caving. I was just...low.

The next morning I way overslept. By hours. Usually I post crazy early. I slept till 11. I woke up to a missed phone call, dozens of texts, FB messages, emails, KTC pms, and one very panicked and concerned chat room.

It was overwhelming and humbling. I knew people cared, but I didn't fully realize how many people truly were worried when I didn't respond for 5 hours (I missed a “good morning” text).

Five more days til HOF.
Stranger999
Making connections is so key - I wish others here would understand. Every arm we lift means several arms lifting us. You've earned your HOF and I just know that you will push onwards and keep helping others. Well done!
JB65
Such a great example of a quitter that has gained bad ass status. Love to see the growth and accountability and brother (sister)hood you are showing.

Keep it up, real proud of you girl! Quitting with you all day today! JB
Steakbomb18
"5 more days till HOF"

You type that at the end of a (fantastic) post about one of your biggest challenges yet, but you also sound like hitting the HOF (day 100) is going to be some sort of reprieve; like some huge weight will be lifted off your shoulders and life will be easier from this point forward. Pretty sure you know this (and I'm pretty sure you didn't mean what I just typed), but you gotta keep that pedal to the metal. Day 100 - it's an awesome achievement, one of the best milestones in my short quit history, but day 101 was way better. And every day thereafter has been way better. Keep fighting.
pab1964
That's ktc and it works because people care! Hof bound girlfriend, it definitely feels good!

[harvestgirl]

18 Dec 2016, 15:41
Another update so soon I guess.

Sometimes this quit hurts so bad. Physically. Emotionally. This might have been one of the longest most drawn out hardest things I've done in a long time, maybe my whole life.

Things happened during this quit that I never even in my wildest dreams thought would happen. Quitting and the shockwaves from it just plain fucking hurt sometimes.

But, this pain. This pain is worth the quit. Because I'm better than this.

This quit is mine.

[harvestgirl]

16 Dec 2016, 20:46
Day 82
How did it get to be day 82 already? I was in chat tonight helping a fresh quit get set up with the forums. I don't even remember registering. Did I register on the forums first? Did I lurk on chat? I have no idea. All I know is I wake up in the morning (or if I'm still awake when new roll starts) I post my new day, each and every day.

I try to help the new quitters in chat. I guess if I can help one person, my time there is worth it, but I still wonder if I'm doing any good helping anyone out there.

The past few weeks have been a little rough. In my last update on here I talked about hitting the fog hard again. For the most part, the fog has lifted again. I went to the doctor and we played around with my medication again, and added a treatment on top of that, which has made life a little interesting. I do have to say though, I'm slowly feeling better. This is the first time in over ten years that I feel “okay” for the most part. It's been a long long time since I've felt that, and not going to sugarcoat it- it feels pretty damn good.

One of our stronger members in our quit group ended up caving. This was someone I had gotten fairly close to, leaned on each other for support, but they made up their mind. I got a text right after they caved and spoke to them later that night.

And it fucking hurt. It still hurts. Probably more than it should. I guess my cold frigid heart cares more about people and their quits than I thought. It scared me too; got rid of my half assed complacent feeling. If that person could cave while having such a seemingly strong quit, then what about the rest of us? It just goes to prove that if we all want to continue to stay quit, we really do have to fight every fucking day. And keep on fighting. And keep on leaning each other. This really isn't going to go away. Ever.

And that makes me angry and just plain sad that I ever started dipping in the first place. If I would have known all of this now when I started, I would have never touched a damn can.

The bright side of all this is that there are people on here that have turned into my quit rocks. Yes, I am doing this quit by myself, for myself, but there are a few people on here that I owe. I thought when I started this journey that the “brotherhood” thing was exaggerated. I didn't expect that 82 days later I would have a handful of people that probably know my moods, my thoughts, etc. better than I do some days. And I love those brothers.

In just a few weeks I'll hit my HOF, but what will I write then that I haven't written now? Because, fuck yeah, 82 days! 100 days! But those numbers are just another day. Sure, they're milestones, but is 100 any better than 82? When I first started? Day count is important to me, but being nic free outweighs that.

Stranger999
The day count is much less important than the quit web that we build for ourselves here. Each of us needs to succeed every day. We all need to be spiders tending to our quit webs. Connect and stay connected. Caring about someone else and having someone else care about you doubles the chance that you will be on roll tomorrow.

One day at a time. I'm almost at 500 days quit. I never imagined that I would get this far when I started but I listened to the vets and kept making my promise.
Law1358
powerful words and thoughts..I just want to let you know that you are helping more than you think. Ive chatted with you a couple times, but know that we havent really gotten to know each other, but I know that you are a respected member of this site. When I think about caving, over all the stuff with my family and what not, I imagine how awful it would be to make that phone call to WalterWhite, FISHFLORIDA, Viking, JeffW, and other brothers i have text back and forth with.. Your name pops in my mind too..If I were to cave, I know that you would tear me a new ass hole..and I would deserve it. To the people that are serious about their quit..it is nice to know and see someone like you on here ALL the Time helping others..So keep kicking nicotines ass and thank you for your help!!!Even strong people need help sometimes and we're here when you need it
Candoit
When you quit, truely quit, you end up ripping off more than a band aid. You end up exposing all of your vulnerability, insecurities and fears and are left a utter pile of confused clueless foggy quitter.
The successful put themselves togther into a new person that doesnt need a drug to hold themselves up. We are here to hold you up when you can't.
I am not here to get back to "normal" I am here to make my normal.

[harvestgirl]

05 Dec 2016, 23:58
Today was day 71.
I've been in the late term fog for the past few days. I'm not sure what was worse- the initial early fog when you didn't know what was happening and the quit and fog were fresh, or this later on bullshit where it just feels annoying as fuck.

Still feel legit crazy. Meds haven't stabilized like they should have with the higher dosages so I bit the bullet and made another dr appt for tomorrow. After years of med changes the thought of trying to find a new combination or upping drastically honestly scares me, but at this point I just want to feel some sort of normal. I want to feel okay again. I want to feel better.

Cravings come and go. Like with the fog, they're just fucking annoying. Actually, that's pretty much the theme of the quit right now. Annoying. I get what people say when around the 70 day mark it all becomes stagnant.

But, I'm quit. And I'm staying that way. And the friends I've made on here (so many days ago it seems) have been my leaning post.

Also, today we finally closed on our house, after almost seven months of living in the damn thing lol.

I'm tired, my brain is scattered beyond recognition, who knows if this entry even makes sense.

Nomore1959
You are a month from Hall of Fame, use that celebration to pull you through this flat spot. It will get better and good days will outnumber annoying ones.
ChickDip
Feels like forEVER, but it's only temporary, the bonds you've made will prove to save you and to keep you semi-sane. Rollercoaster of quit will be in play for a while. But you'll hang on.
you WILL feel okay again.
you WILL feel better.
IQWYT.
FLLipOut
I hated the 70s. I think annoyed was the best word for it. Everything you wrote is so familiar to me...when the eff am I going to feel NORMAL again. ^^^ Listen to this lady, it IS just a phase. You will be out of it shortly and just in time to start looking forward to your HOF!
Thumblewort
It's all a phase, just the last part of the nic bitch trying one last futile attempt. You're a quitter, you won.
pab1964
It took a little bit but I realized, fog is a helluva better than cancer! Doing great girlfriend! Don't change a thing. Damn proud to be quit with you today!

[harvestgirl]

16 Nov 2016, 01:06
Day 50 (ish)

Technically I'm posting this way freaking early on day 52.

Half a HoF, bitches.

The flood of texts, fb messages, pm's, chat messages, etc. flooded me all day with congrats about my 50 days.
I woke up early that morning with a crippling migraine. I sent a few texts out saying that I was sort of alive and planning on posting roll but I wanted to do it myself because, hey, you know 50 days.

FIFTY days. It's hard to believe that fifty days has come and gone since I joined KTC.

It seems like yesterday and it feels like years.

50 days and I feel like I've started to scratch the surface of my quit and myself. I've learned some good things, I've learned some maybe not so good things about myself.

I've learned more about my bipolar and anxiety- triggers, ideas, thought processes that I didn't know I didn't have figured out, if that makes sense.

I've made friends on here. Some in particular that I owe my quit to just as much as my stubbornness and self perseverance. Some of these people have made their mark on me and I will never be the same because of them- for good reasons.

The fog is pretty much done with. I get spacey sometimes, but the crushing fatigue isn't there anymore. Now it's just regular work related bullshit.

Cravings are manageable. Oddly enough, I want to smoke way more than I want to chew, which is a battle I didn't expect.

The medication and dosage battle is ongoing...somedays my meds are enough, somedays they aren't and I use my phone as a lifeline to text people and not stay buried under the covers.

This quit has definitely taught me how to suck up my feelings of pride and to ask for help when I need it. It took me a long time to not feel like sending a text to a fellow quitter was “weak”. Even now I feel like I'm burdening others when I need a boost, need the help. I'm stubborn. I was taught to keep my feelings in. This....has been an experience for sure.

Today was one of those days. Two hours into my day starting, it took a dive into the shitter. Sent me reeling into a panicked frenzy. I held it together. Got on chat. Had some laughs. Texted a few people privately. Kept it all in. Until I got home and probably broke Verizon with the flood of texts I shot out.

You know what? The world didn't shatter because I needed to talk and ask for help.

Late late tonight (really, early this morning) I received two different messages from two different people in my quit group (after I got shit faced drunk and went on chat), both telling me I was strong, that they looked up to me, and that they drew strength from my quit. That, my friends, means it all.
If there is someone that you looked up to in your quit, someone that you drew strength from, tell them. Please. I don't care if it makes you feel like a pussy. They need to know.

When I first joined, I didn't know what to expect from myself or KTC. Figured I'd give it a try, see how it went, and if it didn't work, I'd just fade away into invisibility in internet world.

How wrong I was.

JGlav
No fading into obscurity here. Not when the halls of accountability are all around you. Nice job on your quit!
Nolaq
You're not going anywhere. Drown yourself in accountability (as you have) and you will walk that road to success and freedom.

Proud of you, Gurl.
Viking
Thanks for posting this and congrats! I learned from it and have felt the same way - particularly about sucking up pride and ego.it really is one of the cornerstones to a successful quit. Thanks for quitting with all of us you are an inspiration