From Hilltop (April '19)
I keep seeing that this site is my place to be grumpy, lash out, be sad, or whatever....well I’ve got something on my mind since yesterday that I want to share. Sorry, not sorry, if it’s long.
As a few of you know, I have been attending the funeral, and family get together for my Aunt the last couple of days. First thing, this is the first funeral I can remember as an adult being nic free. To boot, it was a catholic ceremony today, so super long for this guy.
Really what spurred this entry is where I stayed last night. My wife grabbed a hotel for us close to the family get together, in downtown Phoenix. It happens to be very near a cluster of hospitals, one of which is Phoenix Children’s Hospital. This is important because I have spent a lot of time there.
When my youngest baby girl was barely three she got sick. Super stressful, but we eventually found our way to Phx Children’s where she began IV infusions twice a month. This went on for 18 months.... we’d drive two hours to Phx, stay at the Ronald McDonald house (rooms for families dealing with sick kids) get up early, and sit in the infusion center for 8 hours. Intermixed with Infusions were MRI’s and Dr. Visits.
Point being, take a wild guess as to who the fucking retard in the room was ninja dipping. Yep......ME!
Top lip it on the drive down, take a long time to get luggage at the car, be in the bathroom a little extra......top lip to the hospital, get up pre-lunch try and hide it in the trash can..... go to the car after lunch, top lip till the afternoon. Big o hidden top lipper in while my baby laid there hooked to an IV pump......Try and grab a top lipper for the drive home while I grabbed the car to pick my baby girl and wife up at the outpatient exit.
What a piece of shit I was. I couldn’t toughen up and be the man I should have been without nic in my lip. I revolved my schedule around having nic in my lip. I was surrounded by a sick daughter and lots of other sick kids with nic in my lip. I was supporting a distraught wife and mother with nic in my lip. I was hiding nic in the bathroom of a place that fights cancer. Again, I was sneaking nic for at-least 16 hours a month at a place that fought for the health of kiddos. Let that settle.....it’s taken a while for it to settle with me.
I was an addict, full blown using. A self centered, weak man. Today, I’m an addict, but I’m not self centered, and I’m not using. I’ve grown to be the man that I need to be, that I want to be. I owe that success to the support I have from brothers that I’ve met on KTC.
Thank you for letting me share this part of my life. I wish it wasn’t true, but hopefully it strengthens another’s quit. And, it helps strengthen mine by putting my story into text.