Here's more to my story....
I'm 48 and grew up in a small town in West Texas...You know, where the men were men and the sheep are nervous. Started dipping at 13 with a couple of buddies. We thought we were so cool as we started getting the "ring" on our back pockets. We didn't even think about hiding it from our parents and they didn't seem to think it was big deal either. It was SMOKELESS, so no big deal right? I guess in their minds, at least we weren't smoking.
We ninja dipped in our junior high and high school classrooms, on the school bus traveling to football games and just about everywhere else where we couldn't dip openly. Some of us dipped during football practice.
I've been a semi-professional drummer since the age of 15 and my skills helped me escape the small town at age 24 and make it to the big city. Talk about culture shock...I found myself in social circles were I really didn't feel comfortable being myself. I certainly wasn't going to dip openly in front of these cultured and educated people I found myself involved with. I was ashamed of my background and where I came from.
Fast forward to age 29 when I met my wife. She came from an educated and cultured family, so I certainly couldn't let her know I dipped. I managed to stop before getting married but relapsed about 3 or 4 years into my marriage. This began the next phase of my ninja dipping career..
I remember driving my now 14 yr old son to day care when he was little. I'd open up a can to take a dip and hear him say "daddy what's that smell?" I'd lie and come up with some bullshit answer.
At one point my wife found some empty cans in a disc golf bag. I confessed that I enjoyed dipping when playing disc golf. No big deal, I told her..I lied..I was a liar..And I continued to lie to her up until a few days ago.
I have a day job in an office and I dipped all day during work. I could dip without spitting and could dip just about anywhere without anyone knowing. I had some skills. I had empty cans hidden all over the fucking place, because I was afraid my wife or the janitors at work would see the cans if I put them in the trash can. I'm 43 days quit and I'm still finding empty cans I've stashed in drawers, disc golf bags, drum stick bags.
I'm proud to be 43 days quit from this 35 year addiction. I'm in process of cleaning up my life, which includes dealing with my dysfunctional marriage of 18 years and I'm starting therapy to help address this and other emotional issues I've battled for years. I now know and believe I'm worth it. I've lived the majority of my life hiding and living in shame. No more...
Thanks to everyone who has reached out for support. I quit with you all today.