Guilt and determination.

[mike2017a]

I am in this fight with you. I quit today

[Dzismann72]

Good evening,

Today has been day 18 on my quit. There has been nothing about this experience that I have enjoyed. I've been interrogated by my wife, I have had headaches, backaches, brainfarts, tongueslips, forgotten shit, lost things, and just gernerally fucked up already. I have also spent just a little time reading up on what has worked for other guys and trying to soak up some of their knowledge. WildIrish is the man for information. Go read his stuff on his signature. It is gold.

Anyway, one of the things I learned in reading up is that I need to peel back ay shade of darkness I have left. Basically, I need to come clean so I can take away the first stage of a cave. So allow me to reintroduce myself,

I am an addict. I have been addicted to nicotine by way pf chew since fall of 2009. I have tried to keep it a secret from my family, girlfriends, and loved ones for the entire time. I have been in the longest, most toxic relationship of my life, with dip. I would dip whenever I could get, or make, twenty minutes for myself. When I realized that 20 minutes was a waste on longcut I switched over to pouches. Benefit of pouches: they dn't make the mess, they don't have the same imprint on your face, so you can chew them more often, or reuse them. SO thats what I started to do. I would only chew one, or two pouches a day, but I would chew them All. Day. Until they were white a busted open, then i'd spit it out, tell myself, you don't need one right now, then five minutes later crack the tin. I would chew at work, in the car, in the bathroom, doing yardwork, wherever I could get free. I am an addict, and my actions showed that clearly.

In all the time I have known my wife, I have been a dipper. I have gotten so good at lying about my addiction, covering my tracks, and hiding my actions, that she never even had a clue. 19 days ago she found a reciept in the cupholder of my truck for 5.98. I bought a bottle of water and a can of long cut mint around 9:00pm at a circle K the wek before. Ten minutes after she found the reciept was the first time I called myself an addict. I had said before I have a problem, a habit, I should stop etc. But I never called it an addiction before.

Addiction seemed like such a dirty word. Like something associated with Meth, Heroin, Cocaine, Crack, Pills. Those things are addictions, not chew right? I can buy chew for $5 any time I want, how can that be an addiction?

It's an addicition because it wasn't when I wanted to buy it, it was when I could buy it. When I could squezee 7 extra minutes into a drive to stop for a can. When I could make an excuse to go down the road on lunch break because I was craving. When I could bum one from a buddy until I could get the next one.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. You're reading this, you've been there too. It's what we share. It's the part of the bitch that digs into us. The drive to get one, pack one, toss in, spit out. That feeling is what we all chased.

And it chased us.

It chased me.

It chased me in the morning, before work, at lunch, before football, after football, during football, sitting down, standing in line, running late, falling asleep. The bitch never let up.

And I never really wanted her to.

I would quit, and then go right back.

I would dump my can in the toilet, and then buy two more the next day. I would swear off forever, and then go back on that in an hour. I would say, only one today, and then finish the can. I would say, it's a fishing trip, I can do what I want. I would say, it's just to help me keep the buzz, when I was out with my buddies.

It was never about any of that. It was never for any of those reasons. None of that was true.

I am an addict and I followed the directions of my addicition to give my body the substance it wanted to fill a physiological gap.

I am an addict.

I am an addict in recovery.

I choose not to use tobacco today. As ragey, and foggy, and irrate, and upset, and tired, and hungry, and sleep fucked as I may be, I choose not to use nicotine today.

I SCREAM at my football players all yearlong, do not listen to your body, make yourbody answer to your will.

I am walk the tal and practicing what I preach. Fcuk nicotine. It's not worth it. I've seen the pictures of men with their faces laid oopen. I've read the stories of the battles men have lost. I;ve read the words of families torn apart by an early grave from sores in a cheek. I will not become part of that story. I may be destined for it, but I will not walk willingly into that plot from this point on.

I have tried to quit before and failed. I quit quitting. I was weak, unmotivated, lazy, undisciplined, selfish, stuck up, petty, small, and immature. I was looking for the exit signs the minute I got in the door.

I'm looking for the exit signs again. SO I can bolt the motherfuckers shut. I am quit.

[Thumblewort]

Hello,

I joined KTC in April of 2013. I made it ~60 days and then I caved.

I thought I was in the clear, so I stopped posting roll, stopped replying to guy's texts, and put my quit in cruise control.

I was working as a camp counselor at a summer camp for kids. There was a QT on my way to and from work. I can't even remember what I was so stressed about, but I remember sitting in the car with that can, starring at it in my hand. I remember talking to myself about why I shouldn't do it. I didn't look at my phone, I didn't call anyone, I didn't think it over, I just cracked the tin, smacked it three times on the rim, popped it open and started spitting into a coke can.

I gave into the cravings and I let myself have a reason to break faith with the guys in my quit group, I let down the people supporting me, and I took away what could have been one of my greatest achievements. For those reasons and more I am riddled with guilt for my actions.

I have tried to quit at least 20 times since that day. Each time I've made it barely two weeks, if a day.

This time has to be the one that lasts. My wife is 5mos pregnant with my first check and yesterday she found a receipt in my truck. Skoal extra Mint pouches. I still have half the can in my backpack.

This quit will be different from the other ones because I have a real and concrete reason to kick nicotine forever. I want to be my child's biggest fan, for as long as I can. Whether they are a boy, or a girl, I want to be able to teach them all the things I know and show them all the things I love.

This quit will be different because I have a partner who supports me, and loves me, and will not take any shit or excuses about my addiction.

This quit will be different because I am older, wiser, and I know what a little dumbfuck I was in college when I tried to quit.

I have been chewing tobacco since 2009 as a freshman football player in college. I started chewing because I saw the upper classmen doing it in meetings and at parties. I am quit. Today.

Gentlemen, I am sincerely sorry for the way I abused the site in the past. My actions are not in line with what you are trying to build and provide for people with addiction. Please accept my apology each day I post roll and participate as a member of the KTC community.

Day 1

Your actions will be the only way people accept your apology, so this all falls on you - post roll daily, contribute to your quit month by being hard on the quitters there, and help new months as they roll in.

Fuck apologizing to me and KTC, do this for yourself and ONLY FOR YOURSELF first.

I have seen dudes cave after 1,000 days, what do you think we are fighting here? Every day is treated like a Day 1 to me, the poison we fight is readily available EVRYWHERE.

[worktowin]

Hello,

I joined KTC in April of 2013. I made it ~60 days and then I caved.

I thought I was in the clear, so I stopped posting roll, stopped replying to guy's texts, and put my quit in cruise control.

I was working as a camp counselor at a summer camp for kids. There was a QT on my way to and from work. I can't even remember what I was so stressed about, but I remember sitting in the car with that can, starring at it in my hand. I remember talking to myself about why I shouldn't do it. I didn't look at my phone, I didn't call anyone, I didn't think it over, I just cracked the tin, smacked it three times on the rim, popped it open and started spitting into a coke can.

I gave into the cravings and I let myself have a reason to break faith with the guys in my quit group, I let down the people supporting me, and I took away what could have been one of my greatest achievements. For those reasons and more I am riddled with guilt for my actions.

I have tried to quit at least 20 times since that day. Each time I've made it barely two weeks, if a day.

This time has to be the one that lasts. My wife is 5mos pregnant with my first check and yesterday she found a receipt in my truck. Skoal extra Mint pouches. I still have half the can in my backpack.

This quit will be different from the other ones because I have a real and concrete reason to kick nicotine forever. I want to be my child's biggest fan, for as long as I can. Whether they are a boy, or a girl, I want to be able to teach them all the things I know and show them all the things I love.

This quit will be different because I have a partner who supports me, and loves me, and will not take any shit or excuses about my addiction.

This quit will be different because I am older, wiser, and I know what a little dumbfuck I was in college when I tried to quit.

I have been chewing tobacco since 2009 as a freshman football player in college. I started chewing because I saw the upper classmen doing it in meetings and at parties. I am quit. Today.

Gentlemen, I am sincerely sorry for the way I abused the site in the past. My actions are not in line with what you are trying to build and provide for people with addiction. Please accept my apology each day I post roll and participate as a member of the KTC community.

Day 1

People that quit quitting arenÂ’t high on my list, bro.

That being said, I quit in December 2012. Just a few months before you joined the August 2013 Group. IÂ’ll be 5 years quit in a few weeks. And you are starting over. Dude IÂ’ve had 5 years of freedom of healing. Of joy and bliss. And youÂ’ve been fighting that demon for 5 more years.

Did you know that KTCs birthday is November 20? So is mine. And... so is yours. So, IÂ’m gonna stick my neck out and send my fellow Scorpio my contact info. Check your PM. And I fucking expect you to use it. This is hardbut it isnÂ’t impossible. You owe it to a lot of people, mainly yourself, to win. IÂ’ll help.

Happy (early) Birthday, quitter.

Michael/worktowin

[Dzismann72]

Hello,

I joined KTC in April of 2013. I made it ~60 days and then I caved.

I thought I was in the clear, so I stopped posting roll, stopped replying to guy's texts, and put my quit in cruise control.

I was working as a camp counselor at a summer camp for kids. There was a QT on my way to and from work. I can't even remember what I was so stressed about, but I remember sitting in the car with that can, starring at it in my hand. I remember talking to myself about why I shouldn't do it. I didn't look at my phone, I didn't call anyone, I didn't think it over, I just cracked the tin, smacked it three times on the rim, popped it open and started spitting into a coke can.

I gave into the cravings and I let myself have a reason to break faith with the guys in my quit group, I let down the people supporting me, and I took away what could have been one of my greatest achievements. For those reasons and more I am riddled with guilt for my actions.

I have tried to quit at least 20 times since that day. Each time I've made it barely two weeks, if a day.

This time has to be the one that lasts. My wife is 5mos pregnant with my first check and yesterday she found a receipt in my truck. Skoal extra Mint pouches. I still have half the can in my backpack.

This quit will be different from the other ones because I have a real and concrete reason to kick nicotine forever. I want to be my child's biggest fan, for as long as I can. Whether they are a boy, or a girl, I want to be able to teach them all the things I know and show them all the things I love.

This quit will be different because I have a partner who supports me, and loves me, and will not take any shit or excuses about my addiction.

This quit will be different because I am older, wiser, and I know what a little dumbfuck I was in college when I tried to quit.

I have been chewing tobacco since 2009 as a freshman football player in college. I started chewing because I saw the upper classmen doing it in meetings and at parties. I am quit. Today.

Gentlemen, I am sincerely sorry for the way I abused the site in the past. My actions are not in line with what you are trying to build and provide for people with addiction. Please accept my apology each day I post roll and participate as a member of the KTC community.

Day 1