Intro: Scared to death

[jrod]

I am about over Smokey Mountain. Holt sucks too and Jake's is boring. Anyone try Golden Eagle or have any other suggestions? I might punch myself in the face. :P

Step 1, punch yourself in the face. Many guys here would recommend the balls, so you should probably try both.

I think it's pretty well established that Smokey Mountain and Hooch are the best fake chews, but none of the fake chew products have nicotine, so none will satisfy your cravings the way you want them to. If the fake doesn't work for you, go with seeds or gum or pack your lip with tea (much cheaper than the fake).

Hang in there. Fight. We're fighting with you.

[Wade]

This is much better news beartrapper. I'll bet it was a huge relief. Now here's what you have to do. NEVER FORGET HOW YOU FELT WHEN YOU MADE YOUR FIRST POST!!! Never ever forget that.

I still remember how I felt that one morning this Spring when I discovered a hard-ish, slightly sore about nickel-sized lump under my jaw in that soft tissue area between my tongue and my jaw. "OH FUCK!" All the same shit that you wrote went through my head. "It's too late. I really fucked up now. So so stupid." Wife, kids, dogs, etc. "Everything in my life I wasted by dipping Copenhagen." Luckily it was related to a sinus infection and went away.

But I remember that day, every day. It scared the ever living shit out of me. Now here I am, 117 days into my quit. I will never use nicotine again.

NEVER FORGET HOW YOU FELT.

[gamecockfan]

This news sounds much better than it did a few days ago. Please hang in there, and I have said several prayers for you. Stay strong and stay quit.

[Ribz]

My only thing to add to this is if I can fuckin do it you can fuckin do it buddy...the can is a way for a company to control you and your life. Just keep doing it every day and don't look back. Check in, talk to your buddy's on here and move on, looks like its time for you to break this relationship off.

[beartrapper]

Well. Good news. I think. Went to ENT today. He saw nothing in this lump behind my ear that was concerning. He asked if I wanted to order a CT scan just to be sure, given history of tobacco use, so I am going to do that. I think it will help my quit regardless if I feel the feeling of relief that I am not "too late" and I still stay strong.

Overall, the ENT thought this lump was not noticeable and thought it was muscular related from some small muscles around the sternocledomastoid region and saw some signs of TMJ overuse. I do grind my teeth at night so maybe this makes sense.

Also, had appointment with Oral Surgeon and he reviewed the inside of my mouth as well. He did see some luekoplakia (white area) from where I keep chew but did not think it was cancerous. What he does is he orders me to quit for 3 weeks and to come back in and see if it has gone away. I am now past 72 hours and am nic free so that feels easy. " I will do it, doc" I said.

I think in this is good because it will force my quit for the next couple weeks and really solidify this quit? The real test will be when I go back and he hopefully says, " looks good." then I have to really remember this horrible past two weeks of guilt and fear and shame and focus on what kind of person I really want to be.


So I didn't get the total relief of " everything is ok" because neither of them really had a conclusive answer and I have to do a CT scan next week. And I still have this pain behind my ear, but hopefully that goes away soon. .

Thanks to all who wrote me such nice things. I was amazed at the response I got here in just a few minutes and I can tell that many people have gone through the same fear that I have. Thanks to the people that gave me their phone numbers and I will write you updates as well.

My oral surgery appt is on August 1st, so that is my focus. One day at a time, until August 1st and then 1 day at a time until my day 100. I still struggle with the concept of forever, and how much that will suck, but I think if I focus on one day until I get to my August 1st date and my day 100 then I will be able to wrap my head around that.

I want to be able to kiss my wife without having to brush my teeth, use mouthwash and throw in some gum just for my breath to be tolerable. I want to be able to read my kids a story without have to get up and spit in the sink. I want to have my wife look in my truck without the fear that she will find a can. I don't want to have to worry about my health like that again. One can not ever be certain of anything in this life and I could contract some horrible disease someday totally unrelated to my tobacco past. . It might wreck my life and destroy my family and that is only known to God what path my life will lead. But at least, it won't be a choice that I consistently made every day to endanger myself with and I think I could live with that. Getting a tobacco related illness and watching other suffer for my actions is too much to bear.

I will keep updating this post as I try and figure all this out. Thanks all.

**P.S. I am about over Smokey Mountain. Holt sucks too and Jake's is boring. Anyone try Golden Eagle or have any other suggestions? I might punch myself in the face. :P

[Dougie]

Have you told your wife any of this?  I tried this site before and made it 180 days and caved.  I knew no one here except for one vet who pm'd me and that was it.  No one at home knew.  My wife had ZERO clue.  I had a black belt in  :ph43r: dipping.  I was accountable to no one.  After I fell off the radar (100 days quit) i stopped posting roll and no one noticed.  What makes this time different:

I hate my life on nicotine
I told my wife on day 2 EVERYTHING
I am involved on many levels with this site
I confessed I AM AN ADDICT
I pray for God to be with me

This is my experience.  Take what you will.

One of the greatest moves (Statements) in my quit was when I realized I was addicted and took the advise to come clean with my wife. I went to my wife and showed her KTC.

I told her that I always thought I could quit because I loved her and my family. Realizing I was an addict explained that I wasn't capable of quitting out of love.

I finally was sick of it and asked her to support me. I had her read the spouse section on KTC. I showed her all my hiding places for tin. I think this move instilled a belief that I finally wasn't playing around and I was serious about my quit.

Today, I can't imagine being quit and keeping her in the dark on this. I wouldn't have read a love letter she wrote me on day 100. My kids cards and having them ask me "What day are you on today?"

Almost coming to 500 days now. The cravings are a piece of cake because I involved everyone, including my kids. I tell my wife that I am craving or if I am acting strange, she lets me know that I must be on the verge of another breakthrough in my recovery. She keeps me level and strong when I am not.

My experience is positive. Its in women's nature to forgive and nurture. Give her the opportunity to hold your hand in this.....

Also what if she finds out anyway? I think if she finds out, she will be more hurt that you didn't come to her and involve her. Seriously, if she had a struggle, how would you feel if she kept you in the dark?

If you think a confession and asking for support is a relationship breaker...not coming clean is a lie and your relationship has no foundation of truth to stand on.

May sound harsh but test your marriage by making it founded on facts and truth. You'll be glad you did.

If you do or don't it wont impact me either way. Just sharing my experience to a fellow brother in quit.

I'm with these guys, I was also a black belt ninja dipper. My addiction also changed when I brought my wife into my support group and stopped my 34 years deceitful marriage. What a prick I'd been all those years.

These are true statements. Let her help you, it was the best decision I could have made.

[Wt57]

Have you told your wife any of this?  I tried this site before and made it 180 days and caved.  I knew no one here except for one vet who pm'd me and that was it.  No one at home knew.  My wife had ZERO clue.  I had a black belt in  :ph43r: dipping.  I was accountable to no one.  After I fell off the radar (100 days quit) i stopped posting roll and no one noticed.  What makes this time different:

I hate my life on nicotine
I told my wife on day 2 EVERYTHING
I am involved on many levels with this site
I confessed I AM AN ADDICT
I pray for God to be with me

This is my experience.  Take what you will.

One of the greatest moves (Statements) in my quit was when I realized I was addicted and took the advise to come clean with my wife. I went to my wife and showed her KTC.

I told her that I always thought I could quit because I loved her and my family. Realizing I was an addict explained that I wasn't capable of quitting out of love.

I finally was sick of it and asked her to support me. I had her read the spouse section on KTC. I showed her all my hiding places for tin. I think this move instilled a belief that I finally wasn't playing around and I was serious about my quit.

Today, I can't imagine being quit and keeping her in the dark on this. I wouldn't have read a love letter she wrote me on day 100. My kids cards and having them ask me "What day are you on today?"

Almost coming to 500 days now. The cravings are a piece of cake because I involved everyone, including my kids. I tell my wife that I am craving or if I am acting strange, she lets me know that I must be on the verge of another breakthrough in my recovery. She keeps me level and strong when I am not.

My experience is positive. Its in women's nature to forgive and nurture. Give her the opportunity to hold your hand in this.....

Also what if she finds out anyway? I think if she finds out, she will be more hurt that you didn't come to her and involve her. Seriously, if she had a struggle, how would you feel if she kept you in the dark?

If you think a confession and asking for support is a relationship breaker...not coming clean is a lie and your relationship has no foundation of truth to stand on.

May sound harsh but test your marriage by making it founded on facts and truth. You'll be glad you did.

If you do or don't it wont impact me either way. Just sharing my experience to a fellow brother in quit.

I'm with these guys, I was also a black belt ninja dipper. My addiction also changed when I brought my wife into my support group and stopped my 34 years deceitful marriage. What a prick I'd been all those years.

[Mthomas3824]

Have you told your wife any of this? I tried this site before and made it 180 days and caved. I knew no one here except for one vet who pm'd me and that was it. No one at home knew. My wife had ZERO clue. I had a black belt in :ph43r: dipping. I was accountable to no one. After I fell off the radar (100 days quit) i stopped posting roll and no one noticed. What makes this time different:

I hate my life on nicotine
I told my wife on day 2 EVERYTHING
I am involved on many levels with this site
I confessed I AM AN ADDICT
I pray for God to be with me

This is my experience. Take what you will.

One of the greatest moves (Statements) in my quit was when I realized I was addicted and took the advise to come clean with my wife. I went to my wife and showed her KTC.

I told her that I always thought I could quit because I loved her and my family. Realizing I was an addict explained that I wasn't capable of quitting out of love.

I finally was sick of it and asked her to support me. I had her read the spouse section on KTC. I showed her all my hiding places for tin. I think this move instilled a belief that I finally wasn't playing around and I was serious about my quit.

Today, I can't imagine being quit and keeping her in the dark on this. I wouldn't have read a love letter she wrote me on day 100. My kids cards and having them ask me "What day are you on today?"

Almost coming to 500 days now. The cravings are a piece of cake because I involved everyone, including my kids. I tell my wife that I am craving or if I am acting strange, she lets me know that I must be on the verge of another breakthrough in my recovery. She keeps me level and strong when I am not.

My experience is positive. Its in women's nature to forgive and nurture. Give her the opportunity to hold your hand in this.....

Also what if she finds out anyway? I think if she finds out, she will be more hurt that you didn't come to her and involve her. Seriously, if she had a struggle, how would you feel if she kept you in the dark?

If you think a confession and asking for support is a relationship breaker...not coming clean is a lie and your relationship has no foundation of truth to stand on.

May sound harsh but test your marriage by making it founded on facts and truth. You'll be glad you did.

If you do or don't it wont impact me either way. Just sharing my experience to a fellow brother in quit.

[duathman]

Have you told your wife any of this? I tried this site before and made it 180 days and caved. I knew no one here except for one vet who pm'd me and that was it. No one at home knew. My wife had ZERO clue. I had a black belt in :ph43r: dipping. I was accountable to no one. After I fell off the radar (100 days quit) i stopped posting roll and no one noticed. What makes this time different:

I hate my life on nicotine
I told my wife on day 2 EVERYTHING
I am involved on many levels with this site
I confessed I AM AN ADDICT
I pray for God to be with me

This is my experience. Take what you will.

[Mcbeevee]

beartrapper,
You have a lot going on and need to realize that most of your current reasoning is coming from the "addict" that you are. You have to stop justifying the solution to your problems is having another dip. The wonderful family that you have created is reason enough to justify your "Quit" and strive to be the best father and husband you can be. This is not a time to wish you could check out because you had a hand in bringing three other individuals into this world that will depend on you for a very long time. This is the first day to make a descision that you will "Quit" this addiction and not let it affect anything else about your family.
I hope that you can step back and realize how you have reasoned that every problem you currently have is related to tobacco use.
For your family's sake, begin your Quit today and ride thru the adverse effects of the addiction realizing that you are doing this for you and it will eventually make it better for your family.
756 days ago, I was very much like you. My whole world evolved around having that tin within reach at evey moment. I could do "nothing" without a dip in my mouth. I even tried to figure out how I could get a dip while I slept so how sick was that.
Own your Quit starting today.
Honor your word every day to us that you will not use nicotine.
You can do this!!!

[beartrapper]

I started writing this and I am just kind of blabbing here. If you don't mind, I plan to just write this out like a diary or something.

Just over 48 hours of zero nicotine now. Not as bad because I have been so scared about this weird jaw swelling that I have been "quitting" for the past 2 weeks. Basically, I say "never again" and then buy a can 4 hours laters, do one dip out of it and throw it away and say "never again." Regardless, I have only had one dip a day for the past week so it makes this hard stop a bit better for know.

So last night I was getting really irritable with the kids and I thought, " I am so much more patient when I have a dip." I got frustrated because my son threw his toothbrush and hit me in the face and I got really annoyed. My wife said that she was "very disappointed in my behavior." No one knows what is really going on. I left last night and walked the dogs and went fishing. Without this site, without a doubt, I would have walked over to the gas station with the dogs and bought some chew. (Yes, within walking distance.. tought) Without a doubt. But for some reason, I didn't want to just go away from here. I didn't want to lie. I lie to everyone all the time about this stupid effing habit. I figured all the people that responded to my post yesterday would be really pissed that they got invested in my quit and life when I wasn't serious.

So I get home and was fiending really badly. My daughter had fallen asleep in our bed so I pick her up and put her in her bed and lay down and pat her back. I fell asleep in there and woke up this morning in a fog dream state. My wife said something about "what is happening. Why is there fake dip out at 6:30 in the morning. Who needs fake dip at 6:30." I said nothing.

I woke up this morning and my jaw hurts. My mastoid area behind my ear is still swollen. I just can't find anything else that it could be besides something really bad. I spend all day looking up symptoms or on this site. Shit. This feels real. Why does my jaw hurt. How can these lymphnodes or whatever they are be swollen for 3 weeks if this is just some infection? I wish I had other symptoms, like a runny nose or something.

I hate myself. I wish I could just go away.

[gamecockfan]

said a prayer for you, hang in there

[Jungleland]

I can't say for sure what you may or may not have going on. But I've also gone to the ENT specialist under less than ideal circumstances. Some of my symptoms were:

Enlarged lymph gland on one side of the neck, sore throat and voice hoarseness which persisted over several months, difficulty swallowing, sinus congestion/drainage on one side, and earache on one side. I felt pretty damn sure I had throat cancer.

Went to the ENT, and it wasn't cancer. As much as you can, focus on what you can control - your quit - because no matter what happens, you need to quit this shit, and take back control of what you can control.

Post roll, get everything checked out, and go from there.

[Scowick65]

COULD BE ALOT OF THINGS. INFECTION, STAPH, BLOCKED SALIVARY GLAND, HYPERACTIVE LYMPH NODE, AIDS, AMONG OTHERS.

THE ONE THING YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW IS KEEP THAT SHIT OUT OF YOUR PIE HOLE. YOU CAN DO THIS.

but I have already caught myself saying," well I already have cancer, who gives a shit.

I BET THEY DO 4 year old girl, a 2 1/2 year old son and my wife is 6 months pregnant

Yeah sneaky nic bitch. You give a shit. You do. That's why you are here.

Scared straight? I honestly never feared cancer from the can. So this is a part that I really can't relate. I just realized one day that there is no point to it but I couldn't just stop it. I am addicted.

I don't like the mess, the lies, giving up sleep so that I can dip in peace. I just stoped loving it on March 14th, 2012 and KTC lead me to freedom.

Remember your addiction is speaking to you but you do give a shit and all you need to do is stay quit today and forget thinking about being quit tomorrow or forever. Just quit and keep your word when you wake and its today.

Things work out and you deal with life on life's terms. Fear and Faith cannot be present at the same time. Start believing that you can be quit today and you do give a shit.

Your addicted mind is tricky. Really sit back and ask your non addicted mind, Do you still love her and is the fear you deal with worth humping the can again? You will see the lies more clearly and knock the nic bitch out today.

Dismiss her and start believing in your quit right now!!!!! You got this and will prefer not having nicotine in your life or around your loved ones.

bingo.

[Scowick65]

I have already caught myself saying,"  well  I already have cancer, who gives a shit. "

Be very clear, it isn't you thinking that. It is the nicbitch whispering in your brain. You know you care, or, like others have said, you wouldn't be here.
You are quit for today, so figure out how you will get through. You will start to feel the pride that comes with kicking nics ass every damn day.

Damn, this is an asute comment. Spot on. This is how she works. She is one evil, clever conniving bitch.