Just going to jump right in...
The day after my cave (story towards the end), I was in denial that my "little" fuck-up did not constitute a cave. Ha...addict. I convinced myself for nearly two days that I didn’t cave and continued to post roll. But, once the dust settled and I came clean to my wife, I knew what I had done. I lied to myself again, and I started to lie to my wife again. That was not a spot I wanted to be in...again. No matter how much I believed that my fuck-up was a one-time deal and I was not going to go buy another tin, I did not want to keep that secret from her ever, ever again. It wasn’t easy to tell her. Yeah, she was upset and disappointed, but she was supportive, firm and honest with me. I felt good about coming clean. And then she helped me realize my denial...explaining that “little” fuck-up just tossed my 93 days out the window and I was back at day 2. I even tried to make excuses: “Restarting will make it even easier to use again!” I thank her that she responded strongly. Had she not, the addict in me may have buried that little secret, and the good part of me would be sick with guilt as I posted day 100 on October 26th...adding another skeleton to my closet. I don’t need any more of those, and (at that point) I was really proud that I made the right choice and didn’t lie.
The next day I knew what I had to do. I came clean to Duathman on KTC. He had sent me a PM with the HoF questions I needed to answer for my imminent day 100, so I asked what I needed to do. He was supportive but firm...explaining the process of the three questions. “No problem!” I thought. I was ready for my fresh start. And, a lot of you who have reached out, called me out were right...I took it all for granted. I didn’t even think about the fact that I had lied to all of you as well by continuing to post roll. The pledge I took with my old Duck Fips...betrayed. Yeah, that part definitely did hit home, and I honestly was very embarrassed at my failure and hoped I could move on without letting all of my brothers down.
Denial. Addict.
I wrote my post and threw it up with hopes I could join my new group and that was that. Never realized the communication going on under this thread for the past week until a couple hours ago, hence my silence. Guess I am more of a forum newb than I thought. Denial?
Cutting to the chase, I now realize the gravity of my actions and the lack of respect on my part for the relationships and accountability on this site. I offer up my sincerest apologies to all of you. I realize that trust is built, and I didnÂ’t just tear that tower down...I dug a big ass hole and buried the fuckinÂ’ pieces to rebuild it. IÂ’m not looking for acceptance - just a chance for your fellow addict here to prove his integrity to you.
I want to thank those of you who called me out. Today...reading all of this...really helped tear me down. I truly needed that.
I want to apologize directly to the October 2013 Duck Fips. You guys still badass enough to be able to call yourself one...congratulations on your HoF, and sorry for my lies and betrayal. You guys helped me through the hardest part of my quit and for that I thank you.
Lastly, I want to do a better job at answering the three questions.
1. What happened? Well, I was back home in Indiana at a diesel truck pull at my hometown’s county fairgrounds. I knew there was going to be chew there...and a hell of a lot of it. I went into the situation a little too cocky. “Shit, 93 days down...I am good.” Let my guard down, drank more beer than I should have given the situation and temptation, and had one dip from one of my buddies within the last 20 minutes of the night. Fucking stupid. It even tasted fucking bad. Think I maybe kept it in for 5...10 minutes tops. Pissed it all away.
2. How did it happen? Like I mentioned, I did not prepare myself. I didn’t remind myself that the nic bitch doesn’t give a fuck about how many days you quit for. I didn’t say ahead of time, “Maybe it would be better to not drink since you know you are going to be around all of your buddies who dip without your wife to knock some sense into you.” Or, “Maybe you should be ready to text or call your wife or some of your quit group buddies because they are the ones who really support you.” I also tend to be really good at blocking bad thoughts out, and it was not hard for me to not think about everyone I was letting down...especially myself. Addict.
3. What am I going to do differently? [1] IÂ’m not going to go into another situation where I know there will be temptation without a plan. In fact, I am going to avoid those situations altogether. That was the first time the temptation and alcohol was there in my 93 days that I did not have my wife to keep me strong and hold me accountable, and I did a really shitty job at preparing for it. [2] I am not going to even think to rely on my addict friends to not give it to me. I now know that they will every time that I ask for it, so be the fuck ready. [3] IÂ’m going to be honest and open about it. Talk about it every day. Post roll. Read othersÂ’ threads. Reply to them. Get engaged with the KTC community. Do a way better job the second time around than the first. [4] I am going to take my addiction more seriously. [5] Hit day 100. [6] Conquer dip.
Again, sorry to those I have wronged. Please give me a chance to prove that statement to you.
- Sparrow
