I've heard that a lot of people use their introductions as a sort of "Journal", so I figured I should post this here (originally posted in October 18 group):
Last night I had a bit of an anxiety attack. I was NO WHERE near caving, but I think this may be something that others in October or another group can relate with.
I have been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for almost 4 years (for scale, I'm turning 23 in October, so a decent chunk of my adult life). About 2 weeks ago we moved into a condo together which her parents helped pay for. Moving in with her has been a fantastic decision in all aspects of my life. She keeps me eating healthier than ever, I am more physically active than I was before, and most importantly to KTC: I am in an environment that is absolutely NOT welcoming of any nicotine what-so-ever. This move has been one of the best decisions that I've ever made, both in a happiness standpoint and in a health/quit standpoint.
Now, before I get into my main issue, here's a bit of back story:
About 2-3 years ago, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Long story short - I have anxiety about nothing almost constantly, and I am very bad at dealing with those anxious moments. So, while spending time with some buddies, I was offered a pinch. I had told myself that I would never.. NEVER.. touch this shit because I grew up with spit bottles of diet pepsi in my dad's car and I wanted nothing to do with him or those actions. Well, I thought "fuck it, what's the worst that could happen?" and I tried it. I didn't know that nicotine was often used for anxiety (I wasn't a very well-exposed kid haha) and that's when the abuse started. Fast forward a few weeks/months and I moved to cigarettes because I noticed my gums/teeth having a bad response to the dip and my mouth is basically my biggest insecurity. One day while studying for finals, my girlfriend (like the fucking angel she is) surprises me at my house with some treats in hopes to help fuel my hard work. She didn't expect to walk into a house where her boyfriend reeked of smoke. After a long few weeks/months of anger and sadness and most importantly a breach of trust, I was "quit".
I say "quit" because, like many of you, I tried and failed. According to my girlfriend, I have been nicotine free since February 2017. I don't remember the exact timing of when I started back up, but I did. I think it was around November, a few months after my father had passed away in a car accident, and when my personal confidence and everything about me was at a very low point. I couldn't bring myself to tell my girlfriend. She would've been heartbroken. I broke her trust and lied to her face when I had first been smoking, and I was just doing it again. Well, then began MONTHS of trying and failing. All while I was hiding every little bit of it from my girlfriend who has been nothing but caring and supportive of me. I'd think about how much I was hurting her, I'd get angry at myself and my self-confidence would drop even lower, and I'd cave.
So why am I writing out this big ol' boring ass message? Because last night it hit me again. I was lying in bed thinking about the future. First my anxiety-driven mind went to "What would happen if we broke up?" and considering I'm living in a house that her parents helped pay for, in a state far away from my own family, with barely enough money to be paying minimum rent/schooling, I'd probably have to move back home. But, why would we ever break up? Things are fantastic with us! Then I have to remember that I am on my 47th day quit and I couldn't be more fucking proud of myself, but I have no idea how I could ever tell her. I want to, I REALLY want to because I hate holding this from her, but the fear of 1. Breaking her heart and her trust AGAIN and 2. Losing her because of my own lack of self control.. it's paralyzing. I've told myself that HOF is when I tell her no matter what, but I feel like I need to do it before then because I feel like I'm living with a deep dark secret that she will hate me for. I took a walk last night while she was sleeping and was just pacing outside thinking about it all. I'm very proud of the fact that not ONCE did I think "Maybe I should get a can" or anything close to it. I am so so fucking determined in my quit and I never want to be close to feeling the need of nic again, but fuck man, idk what to do.
I'm not even really sure why I'm writing this, I think I just wanted to get these thoughts/feelings into words and onto paper (eh, close enough). There's such a split in my mind right now. On one hand I'm so proud of myself for being quit, and I'm glad that the WORST thing that I have is that I put a dead plant in my lip (I mean, at least I'm not cheating on her or getting into some seriously crazy shit like heroin). But on the other hand I hold so much shame and hatred for myself for doing it in the first place, and lying about it to someone who gives me their all.
Thanks for being here October, KTC, everyone. Y'all have helped me more than I care to admit. I don't really know if this ought to be posted in the group forums or like, as a comment on my intro or something, but I just wanted to get it out somewhere! Day 47 - Damn proud to be quit with all of you today. Look forward to being quit with you all tomorrow.
