Some of my thoughts on how to beat a cave.
I think about it as "Defense in Depth." It's a principle where you build up layers of protection. Each layer on it's own won't protect against all threats from all angles, but taken together they wear down an attacker and provide a comprehensive defense. Think about a castle. Surrounding that castle are city walls, garrison troops, archers, sharpened pikes, a moat, skirmish lines, roadblocks, scouts, booby traps, burnt fields, poisoned wells, unfriendly peasants etc. All of those defenses slow and wear down an invading force. You need to build up Quit defenses in the same way.
Here is a not entirely comprehensive picture of my defensive structure:
- Physical Proximity: I don't have the shit in my house, in my truck or on my person. I'd have to drive to the store to purchase it, giving me time to come to my senses. It won't help if I'm with a dip buddy, or at the store for another reason, but 95% of the time there is a physical barrier to my addiction.
- My Health: I'm scared of what will happen to me if I start dipping again. I don't want my face to fall off.
- My Relationship: I promised my fiancee that I'm done with the shit for good. I'm absolutely quitting for myself, but at the same time I do value the trust in my relationship and I don't want to compromise that. I don't want to go into a marriage lying and hiding. I don't want to spend my honeymoon going through withdrawal.
- My Quit: I know I'm only a little over two weeks into this, but 18 days is the longest I've gone without dip since I started using over a decade ago. I'm proud of that and I don't want to throw it away. I want to know how it feels being quit at different milestones.
- Addiction Education: Since starting at KTC, I've tried to learn as much as I can about addiction. By nature, I'm a curious guy and it boggles my mind that in 11 years of abusing this drug it never occurred to me to google "nicotine addiction." Understanding the physiological reasons why "just one" almost always leads to a serious relapse and how withdrawals will affect me in different ways for a very long time has been very helpful in keeping me focused.
- "Surfing": This has become my favorite way to ride out a crave. By focusing on the physical symptoms and trying to describe them to myself, like to a third party, the crave becomes less abstract and therefore easy to handle. It works for me.
- Fake/ Distraction: Be it Smokey Mountain, seeds, gum or a cheeseburger, sometimes I just need to stuff something in my face that isn't dip. I can achieve a mild placebo effect, effectively tricking my brain into thinking that I'm feeding the addiction. Even though I'm not getting the nicotine, the physical act will provide some relief and by the time I'm through, the crave will have passed.
- Shame of Failure: All I have to do is not use tobacco, one day at a time. Billions of people won't use tobacco today and if I can't handle it and keep the commitment that I've made to myself, family, friends, KTC, then I really am a failure and a coward.
- Exercise/ Activity: Fresh air and exercise not only take time and distract the mind, but they actually release endorphines, making up for the artificial dopamine that the Nic provided.
- Freedom: Wasting my money, worrying about leaving a can/ spitter/ loose tobacco somewhere, the looks from strangers, brown marks on every piece of paper I touch, finding excuses to go off alone, essentially having a panic attack if I don't have access to my can. I'm free from all of that and I don't want to go back.
- KTC: KTC has been a great motivator. Posting, browsing and generally wasting time on this site has really provided me with different tools and motivation to stay quit.
- My Quit Group: I know that if I'm really struggling, I can reach out to the folks in my quit group and get some straight talk. On the flip side, if I were to cave, I'd either have to explain my failure and deal with getting ripped apart, or quietly slink away like a coward. Neither option is acceptable to me. Additionally, I'd have a lot of guilt knowing that my cave could contribute to someone else spiraling.
- Posting Roll: I gave my word this morning and that means something to me. I've yet to get to the point in my quit where the only thing holding me back has been my daily promise. However, I consider it my last line of defense. If Nic can get past EVERYTHING else, then it still has do deal with the fact that I made a promise and if I use, my word and my honor is a pile of shit. That's not the man I am - that's not acceptable to me.
Taken individually, no aspect of my defensive structure will stop nicotine every time, but together, this is a robust defense and we all have something similar. I think that why this site is so helpful. Without this site, I wouldn't have my Roll Post, Quit Group, Education or KTC defensive lines. Would I still have plenty of reasons to quit? Of course. Would that be enough to keep me off the shit? It hasn't been, in the past.
From what I've seen, there are two types of caves. Caves happen when people just say "fuck it" and don't go through the process of maintaining their defenses during a moment of particular weakness. Be it at the gas station, golf course or bar, there's a split second decision that brings the whole thing crumbling down. The other type of cave is when someone gets down and actively wants to engage in self destructive behavior. Both of these could be cut off if the "Defense in Depth" is maintained. Walls occasionally need to be repaired, swords sharpened and moats refilled. You have to do the same thing with your quit structure.
*I started this post yesterday and had it just about ready to submit when my computer restarted itself, erasing the whole damn thing. Since then, we've had a pretty lively conversation about caving in my August group, so I think this is even more applicable at this point in the quit - I hope this helps someone.*
