I am currently 51 days quit and realized I have never posted an Intro. Here we go Â…
Hi, my name is Johnathon and I am a 38 year old Mechanical Engineer who lives and works in the lovely state of Alabama.
I have been a nicotine addict since I was 12 years old (Marlboro Lights). Initially starting with cigarettes, I later picked up dip at 15 (Skoal Wintergreen Longcut). Everyone in my family at the time used tobacco in one form or another, it was the norm. So, I continued using both through high school and college. I generally hid my dip as I was always embarrassed by it, however was forthcoming to others about smoking as I couldn’t hide it. The only people who knew I dipped were close friends and golf partners (and this held true till my quit 7 weeks ago). I met my “future” wife at 23, a nontobacco user, who knew I smoked however never complained and never asked me to quit. Coming to grips with the reality that smoking would indeed kill me someday, I decided to quit before we got married. Mind you, she never asked me too, but I realized that if I didn’t do it then, I would never quit. Once I started building habits in a new house with this new life, it would be infinitely harder for me to quit. I assumed that smoking what be more difficult to quit than dipping (ignorant). My plan was to get through all the smoking withdrawals while continuing to ninja dip, then quit dip at some point in the future. I would hide it from my wife by frequent bathroom breaks, quick runs to the store for random crap no one needed, … etc. I made a conscience decision at that point to not let my wife know I dipped because she would have one of two reactions:
A) She would accept it and I would start dipping more routinely around her and make that many more habits that I would at some point have to break.
B) She would not accept it and continue to nag me about. Being the spiteful person I generally am, constant nagging would not have been a good situation for our marriage.
Because of these reasons, I moved forward with my plan. I quit smoking the day before our marriage which was a terrible decision … 8 days in Hawaii with a new bride and nicotine withdrawals … stupid, but I did it. Fast forward over the next 12 years, it went by amazingly fast. We had three beautiful children who unwittingly appeared to try and “out” me daily by playing about my hidden “stash”, seemingly determined to uncover my dip cans. It’s funny to look back and see the effects of the hidden dip. I literally would choose vacation rentals based on the privacy of the master bath. Was it large enough for me to keep my luggage there so I didn’t run the risk of being caught taking cans in and out? Did it have doors I could lock to keep people out? Sadly, there were certain vacations that I simply wouldn’t even consider because I knew how hard it would be to sneak a dip. This even included not staying with my in-laws when we visited them because the house wasn’t “Ninja Dip Accessible”. Think of the affect this had on my marriage?!?! These are just a couple examples of how nicotine controlled my every thought and action.
So again, years went by and at no time did I even ponder quitting my 1-2 can/day addiction. It was a part of my life and I unknowingly just accepted that this is the way my life was intended to be. All that changed within a matter of weeks, where my blissful ignorance was transformed into fearful rage. I started experiencing what so many of us have before, jaw pain and mouth sores. While I wasn’t overly concerned, I began to realize that if I continued dipping, those pains could at some point turn out to be the big C. Then, how would I explain to my kids that because of my selfishness, I will not be able to be there for them to help guide them in life. Because I chose an easy way out, unable to better manage the stress in my life, they could be fatherless? Because I was blindly going through life, refusing to face reality, they may at some point call another man “dad” … and what if he is a terrible person? I know all this sounds emotional and a bit dramatic, but these thoughts instantly filled my mind and enraged me. These thoughts could become reality if chose to continue to dip. These thoughts then began an avalanche of thoughts as a curtain being drawn back, revealing the ugly truth nicotine has been hiding from me. If I am a MAN, why in the hell am I sneaking around my house and keeping secrets from the people I love? What do I want in life, what is my end goal? Do I want to be the honest, attentive husband my wife deserves? Do I want to be the devoted, loving father my kids deserve? The answer to all of these is YES. So, the next logical question, how do I make this happen? While the answer seems straight forward now, I still had a hard time seeing clearly through the nicotine fog. Until one day I was preparing a Sunday School lesson for the book of Colossians. In preparation of this lesson, I was studying various points including idolatry. It was at this point, it hit me like a ton of bricks … nicotine was my idol. It was no longer a harmless habit that could potentially influence my worldly life, this was an unconfessed sin that has a very real and negative impact on my eternal life! It was literally within 24 hrs that I found the KTC website, realized what needed to be done and within only a few days of facing all the items outlined above … on July 23, 2018 I quit … I quit being a slave … I eliminated an idol in my life that I placed before God, my family, my friends, my life … I quit telling the convenience store clerk “no no, I said LONG cut” … I quit worrying about how many cans of dip I had stashed in my sports coats and how many more I could transport … I quit having my kids look for me when I disappear for 20 minutes … I quit ensuring ALL dip cans and spitters were removed from my laptop bag before important meetings or teaching Sunday School … I quit vacuuming all the loose dip grains in my car seat and floorboard … I quit letting a dead plant dictate where we vacationed … I quit worrying every time a sore arose in my mouth … I quit letting everyone think I had IBS because I went to the bathroom so often … I quit hiding cans of dip in my sock and worrying someone would see its outline in my pants … I quit being controlled by a drug that has no true redeeming qualities … I quit … I quit … I QUIT!!
I had my last dip at 6:30am on the July 23rd. While at work on the same day, I wrote my wife a letter explaining much of what I wrote above. I knew I would mess it up if I tried to verbalize 12 years of lies. I was tired of it, I needed to come clean and I needed her support. On the way home, I spent ~$100 on gum, seeds (pumpkin and sunflower), beef jerky (sticks and chew), various Smokey Mountain cans, mints, hard candy, … you get the picture. Got home, hugged the kids, took my wife outside and told her to read the note. First sentence in, she looked up and said “I knew you dipped”. What the hell, I thought I was stealthy?!?!? You can’t hide it gentlemen! I encouraged her to keep reading. She stood up, hugged me, and has been in my court ever since.
Frankly, the quit hasnÂ’t been as bad as I had made it out to be in my head. DonÂ’t get me wrong, it hasnÂ’t been fun either. In fact, Oliver posted several weeks ago about the woes of ~ day 50 and he was right. Days 48-50 have been as bad as Days 1-3 for me, no joke. But I know it will get better and frankly, my craves just piss me off more and makes me want to skull drag nicotine! It strengthens my quit Â… and helps me direct my anger towards it rather than loved ones.
I know this is long and drawn out, however before I found this website, I thought I was unique. I thought I was the only one that faced these sometimes silly and often serious issues. However, because many of those before me took the time to outline their experiences and the positive affect they had on me, I write this in hopes that it helps someone out there who may have a similar story but still holding to the nicotine. You are not alone, you are not special, and your life isnÂ’t any harder than anyone elseÂ’s. If I/we can quit, you can too Â… just QUIT. You are not here by accident, QUIT. It is one thing in life that you wonÂ’t regret!
I will also note, writing this is helping me through a crave ?
Thanks for reading,
Johnathon Â… LetÂ’s Go Rawkstars!
