Thanks, Mark, for getting back to me on that one. If anyone is reading this, please give a holler if you've had random ear pain at any point after quitting! Each post makes me feel better.
In general, seems like when one symptom of quitting goes away, another appears or comes right back. Along those lines, I was writing a rambling sort of day-to-day journal from the first weeks after quitting, during which I was absolutely terrified that I had cancer (still a bit worried, if you can't tell!) and interpreted all of my body's changes as evidence of cancer. It's going to waste otherwise, so I'm posting it here, do it what it may.
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IÂ’ve been sleeping more; getting sleepy earlier
2 days ago – thought I was fine – barely felt something on my lower right tongue. To some extent felt like I had something at the roof of my mouth or elsewhere that I couldn’t swallow (a hair, maybe). After working out I look at my tongue and see that it is dry and what looks like dead skin, or something.
Yesterday – got paranoid. Definitely think I feel something at the right side of the base of my tongue. At night speaking felt awkward. Seems like the right part of my tongue is rubbing against my teeth, or something. I’m afraid to get my finger back there and see what I find. I’m not sure how much of this is increased sensitivity in my mouth since quitting, paranoia, or actual physical issues (wisdom teeth, sores from quitting, etc.). Likely to be sores, I read up on it and you do get sores on your tongue and mouth when you quit. Still it’s easy to be paranoid given that fear of cancer is what prompted you to quit in the first place, and now that you did you finally feel vulnerable and interpret all physical symptoms as evidence of cancer.
Today – feel it again. Lower right base of tongue, like something is there. Right now I feel like I need to swallow something at the roof of my tongue. Trying to interpret all these symptoms is absurd; I’m diagnose myself like a doctor while my mouth is healing itself from 3 years of abuse, and as my mouth rewires itself (PH and everything, if what’s I’ve read is correct), I feel hypersensitive to everything.
I pray that it wasnÂ’t too late to quit, that my dream of a tooth falling out that partially motivated quitting wasnÂ’t a premonition of what is to come, and remind myself of the miniscule chance and unfathomable irony of developing cancer only right after deciding to quit.
Coming forward for a simple checkup to confirm that you’re OK requires you to tell people about your embarrassing, disgusting habit – even if you did leave it behind you. You are ashamed, terrified of the reaction of your parents and family, of losing the ones you love and of appearing, in the end, to be a complete idiot for having taken up something so stupid in the first place. I’m somewhat confident this paranoia will pass, that my oral fixation will end and I will celebrate life to the fullest, but I know there’s a real chance that the opposite is true. I can’t enjoy being with my girlfriend, going out or even vacation because of this relentless paranoia and fear. I can’t help but feel it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, despite my knowledge that such things are illusory. It would be a hell of a coincidence if now I do, in fact, have cancer. But it’s a risk I have to live with.
Sunday – a little better this morning. I’m gonna try not thinking about the base of my tongue. Sore tongue looks like a side effect of quitting; perhaps it’s a combination of sores and sores tongue. I’m in a good place this morning with it (as good as might be expected) and so am hopeful it will pass without having to ruin a vacation, my girlfriend’s parents and mine meeting, meeting cousins with my whole family, etc. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Update – the day goes on. My throat and head hurt. My mind games tell me the cancer’s spreading; perhaps it was already there. Or perhaps it’s just a cold, and my tongue still hurts and is sore. I usually still notice it when I talk. Please let this be gone (or almost gone) when I wake up in the morning.
For her – I love her and she’s invested so much in me. Please don’t let it all be a waste.
Monday – my throat hurts. Feels like there is something caught in the back of my throat that I’m trying to swallow down but can’t. strangely, base of tongue not sore today.
Tuesday – base of tongue sore again, but throat slightly less so than yesterday. What the hell is going on?
Been a few days since I updated. Feeling much better, but not great. I found a couple of sores at the roof of my mouth. Not bad, at least they explain the swallowing problem. Hope they go away soon. Right base of tongue I still feel occasionally; today, left base actually hurts, plus general aches and pains here and there (again, how much is physical and real and how much just paranoia + oral fixation or other causes (running 13 miles today), I’m not sure). THIS REALLY F'ING SUCKS!. Coincidentally, today the parents and everyone randomly talked about cancer stories and even mentioned mouth cancer from chewing tobacco. I was ashamed and if I had still been doing it, I would probably have been scared into quitting just from that. I wish I could rewind time to never have started. Still feel those areas at the back side of my cheeks – God knows how long those will take to heal. Paranoia and fear still there, although feeling much better than I was, say, a week ago. I hope this trend continues.
Paranoia strikes again. Today I managed to decide that my symptoms were identical to those of cancer. Now I focus on my ears, of all things. I call my friend, in medical school, and come clean about everything. I am pretty much up front with him; he gives me confidence and says itÂ’s probably anxiety, etc. That said, as I write I feel (imagine?) my ears hurting. This needs to stop; need help to overcome this. Wish I had never done that crap in the first place.
