Chew is my oldest addiction. I started at 14 with my sports buddies and thought it was so cool and I loved the "Buzz" that I haven't felt in years. Well, that just led me to more addictions later, including, but not limited to; porn, alcohol, pot, sex, cocaine, extasy, pain-killers, amphetamines, steroids, even work and exercise, to name a few. These are my demons.
They drain my life; my health, energy, spirituality, confidence, discipline and my money. I've learned only pain and to cheat my feelings, anxiety, stress and emotions. I've lost touch with reality, my family, my goals, my ambition, sometimes even my will to go on. I've been killing myself slowly from the inside out. I've lost the love I once had for myself and for life.
The best times in my life were when I had conquered or resisted my addictions. In a short amount of time (seven years) in complete sobriety, I managed to overcome being a High School drop-out and addict with the help of God and pulled off amazing things in that time. I learned Spanish fluently, got a black-belt in Jujitsu, cage-fought professionally, graduated from a major university, started my own businesses and dated models.
I loved my life and was confident, almost to the point of being cocky. But I balanced it out with service and helping people; I served a two year mission for my church in central Mexico, fed the homeless, built schools and churches, became an instructor, corner-man, coach and Trainer. I was so dialed in! I want that back.
In 2007, I blew out my knee sparring UFC champion Rich Franklin while in training at Militech Camp in SLC. I was devasted, I was on crutches for months, atrophied my muscle, and worst, got addicted to pain medication. When that ran out, I had my first beer in seven years. Then it was more pills, alcohol, tobacco, they all were right there waiting for me, to set in their hooks and chain me back up. Within a year, my fight career had ended, I lost my fiancee, my business, my confidence, my discipline and my hope.
I ended up unemployed, dating a stripper, drunk, depressed, unmotivated and hating life. This was the worst relapse ever, it's worse than before and I've F-ed everything up. I'm not giving up though. I've been to the darkside, I've felt Hell and I'm not going there. There is still hope. Christ has been pulling at my heart strings and wrestling with my soul. I've starting to repent, to change, to ask and give forgiveness. I'm working the twelve steps and going to meetings. I'm over the drugs and alcohol, dropped the stripper, even going back to church for support, inspiration and to find ways to get outside myself and to serve.\
Now it's time! The chew has got to go too. It's been "my pet" addiction. My little dirty secret I try to hide from everyone. It was my first and now will be my last. It's harder this time, maybe cause I didn't learn my lessons last time, but it has to be done. My gums hurt, my teeth are stained and yellow, I've lost muscle cause I don't eat enough, I stink of it, it's foul and disgusting and rude. I'm letting go of that jock, redneck tradition that is all a lie and a trick. It doesn't taste good, doesn't help you or make you feel good at all. It justifies other habits and is a bad example to others, especially kids. Chicks do not like it, dentists hate it, doctors despise it. I'm a trainer for Pete's sake! I know what effect it has on your heart and body. It's horrible and is good for nothing. But, I am an addict.
I've tried the patch, the gum, the candy, fake chew, even meds and haven't yet killed it this year. Gotta go cold I think. I'm gonna try replacement therapy, and try to replace the habit with lots of water, vitamins, healthy food and protein and more exercise. I think this blog and group will be good for some motivation, accountability, brutal honesty, advice and support. Can't do it on my own this time, need help! I wanna quit tomorrow or latest Sunday. Any advice? Sorry so long, been keeping this all to myself for way too long!!!
