I let myself, my wife, and you all down. I know what I need to do.
1) What happened? / 2) Why did it happen?
I can’t justify the slip. After 69 days (my longest quit in the last 6 years) I knowingly stopped doing what I had been doing (texting, pm’ing, posting roll, talking to someone each time I had the urge) because I forgot how badly I am an ADDICT. As I fell further away from the tools that had been working and my KTC brothers, I started feeling sorrier and sorrier for myself. I started thinking: “maybe I can smoke a cigar? Maybe I could puff a vaporizer? I’m addicted to chewing tobacco and cigarettes, but those other things are different”.....I thought to myself…I just need one day of nicotine, then I’ll be OK to quit for the rest of my life. Like I’ve ever done any drug one time ever.
Honestly, I bought that bullshit. Starting around day 45 – 50, I began falling away from the group. I stopped texting and wasn’t reaching out to my brothers. Each day, these thoughts grew louder in my mind. Over the weekend, for three consecutive days, I had made up my mind to buy a can, and I tried using ‘willpower’ to fight it off. Each day, after being convinced I was going to – I wouldn’t do it. One time I told my wife about my cravings, but the others, I kept it inside. Each day I got closer and I didn’t pick up the tools and contact my quit brothers.
On Sunday evening, after a full day of feeling so great to spend the day with my family and my mother, I went to the gas station and sat outside for five minutes, hating myself and knowing I was letting you all down. I did it anyways, telling myself it would just be this time. After it was in my mouth, I convinced myself that today really wasn’t a good day to quit. Tomorrow would be a much better day. So I continued into the next day. By that evening, I had convinced myself that Monday night wasn’t really a good time to quit and Tuesday would be much better. We all know how long this would have gone on for. Last night, something happened to stop the train – my wife called and asked me how my cravings for chewing tobacco had been going….She hadn’t asked me that out of the blue for weeks. I gave her a half-hearted ‘ehhhhh…’ while the dip was packed deep in my lip.
When I got home I broke down and told her the truth. She started crying and turned away from me. With my wife crying in the next room, I got on KTC and posted a brief response to you all, letting you know what happened. I failed you all.
3) What are you going to do to make sure you don't cave again?
KTC has been gotten me the longest quit of my entire chewing life. I know this is the only place where I can QUIT. I currently have 8 years of sobriety from alcohol and drugs besides caffeine and nicotine. I know that I am an ADDICT. I know my brain doesnÂ’t react to drugs like other people. I also know, that in order for me to stay quit, I need to get INVOLVED. The only way I quit alcohol was by getting fully immersed in AA. I need to do the same with KTC. I need to talk to people, on the phone, regularly. I need to volunteer (and follow through) with the group spreadsheet and other opportunities. I only texted guys sporadically during the past 70 days. This time is different. I am pissed at myself and pissed at nicotine. This time, I am quitting for MYSELF. Although knowing that I need to be there for my wife and my family is a motivator, I need to quit for myself. I am going to post conversation topics on the general discussion boards (which I never did before). I want you guys to get to know me and I want to know you. I canÂ’t live on the outside anymore. LAST DAY ONE.
