I’m on day 9. If I’m lucky I’ve got 18,000+ left. Then again, luck may have nothing to do with it. I’ve been posting roll since day 3, and I’ve been reading the site for 2-3 hours a day ever since. At some point I’ll have to cut back on that I’m sure. But so far, this site has been extremely helpful to me. Reading through the personal testimonies, I am realizing that, if there are degrees of addiction (there may not be - I’m not sure how addiction theory works – something I’ll learn soon I’m sure), I “don’t have it as bad” as some on this site. I started when I was 15 (I’m 35, male, wife and two boys, Minneapolis, hihowareya) and only stopped once (for 6 weeks) randomly a couple of years ago. My cancer catalyst of choice was Skoal Wintergreen EXTRA (so much cheaper! And full of EXTRAness!). I never chewed right away in the morning. I never really hid it from my wife. I never “ninja dipped” at work. For me, my Monday thru Friday fix was strictly 1) while driving to work, 2) lunch break, 3) driving home from work, and occasionally 4) late night watching TV. But I noticed over the last two years that I was taking larger and larger chews, to the point where I was going through just a shade under a can a day (spread across just 3-4 chews!). So, yeah, giant chews. It’s a good look that women find irresistible. And then on weekends, I’d throw down a few Coors Lights and that’s when the floodgates really opened up. On a given Friday or Saturday night, I’d be going through 2 cans easily. My mouth felt like 1945 Dresden every morning. Pretty ridiculous. But actually kind of tame, based on what I’m seeing in the writings of some others around this site. And that’s what I’m getting out of KTC right now, and why it is such a help to me: I am realizing that I am not alone in this. I mean, I always knew I could probably go find some sort of quit group somewhere if I really wanted to, but the folks on this site (15 f’ing THOUSAND of them) are exactly the kind of the “support group” I need. A bunch of individuals that lay it out very simply – post roll every day, become involved, and keep your damn word. It’s seems pretty simple. Accountability and pride. I’m at the point now where I’m supposedly past the physical addiction. This hasn’t been too tough for me so far. I’ve made minor lifestyle adjustments here and there and it has gone well. But I haven’t really stared temptation in the eye yet. I haven’t been out on the first tee (it’s still snowing here in MN), I haven’t hung around my chewing buddies, I haven’t done any yard work (the damn snow), I haven’t gone to the pub to play a round of darts yet, etc. I keep oscillating between being very confident in my quit (as Notdeadyet says, “I am not capable of caving because I have eliminated the option of dipping from my life”), and being scared shitless that this is all a house of cards and it’s going to come crashing down at any moment because I am not prepared to deal with the unknown “crave” or “trigger” or “cave opportunity” that lurks right around the corner. So I guess I’ll do it one day at a time, keeping my guard up at all times? At all times? Is that really how it works? I have to be “on guard” 24 hours a day for the next 18,000? I guess I can accept that. Whatever it takes. I’m done with chew for today; that much I know. And I don’t know what I don’t know, so every situation is a potential threat until proven otherwise, right? Let’s do this. Sorry for the serpentine rambling. Thanks for reading. I just wanted to introduce myself to you all, so you could begin to hold me accountable (or help me to hold myself accountable). I will be here daily.
