I realized I rambled during this post, you don't have to read. lol
I know I have met several on this site already, but wanted to share a little bit about myself.
I remember my first dip. Me and a friend were driving to a county track meet where we would be running later in the day. We stopped at a service station to get something to drink and for some reason decided to buy a can of dip (Skoal fine cut wintergreen). We were only 16, but the lady behind the counter didn't even look at us. Although it made us sick as a dog and we sucked at our track meet, we finished the rest of the can over the next couple of days. We were hooked! At 16 I was already a nic addict. Of course I didn't know that at the time.
I'm 32 now and the can has been with me through it all:
It was with me every football game I played in high school
It was with me after my dad told me he had cancer (oct. my senior year)
It was with me while my dad struggled through chemo
It was with me when I would drive down the road begging God not to take him.
It was with me when my dad took his last breath (jan my senior year)
It was with me when I graduated from high school
It was with me when I started and finished college
It was with me when I got my first real job
It was with me when I got married and enjoyed my honeymoon
It was with me when my beautiful daughter was born
It was with me when my daughter turned 1
One day (about a week ago) My wife was out and it was just me and my daughter at home. So I get my can out and start stuffing a big dip in my mouth when I look over and she is watching me. There she was, with those big blue eyes, watching her daddy stuff that cancer dirt in his mouth. I felt like crap. Why am I doing this? How did I get here? Who's to blame? So right then and there, I spit the dip out, and went around the house with a trash bag and collected all the hidden cans and spit bottles, then to my truck for the same. I was not going to let me daughter see me stick that crap in my mouth ever again.
Is this my first time to try to quit? lol, not even close
Why is it different this time? I think theres a couple of answers to this
1. I realized now that it's my fault. It's my fault I'm addicted to nicotine. No one forced me to take that first dip. No one forced me to buy any dip after that. No one forced me to buy a can a day for 16 YEARS! I chose to do that! I can't blame it on my dad dying, I can't blame it on stress. I had a choice and I chose to dip!
2. I'm quitting for me. While my daughter made me realize that I'm a complete dumb ass, I'm quitting because I want and need to quit! My quits in the past have been because my wife asked me too. I love my wife, so I gave it a shot and failed miserably every time.
3. I finally realized that I'm a complete and total addict. I can't quit anytime I want to and I can't have just one dip. I'm addicted to this shit and if I do decide to have just one, I'm back to my can a day habit again. Believe me, I've done that more times than I can count.
4. My wife see's me struggling and tells me, "I'm sorry you're going through this". It got me thinking, she shouldn't feel sorry for me. I did this to myself!! She didn't have anything to do with my addiction!
I deserve every crave and every side effect during this quit.
I deserve the headaches
I deserve the indigestion
I deserve the constant feel of hunger and the weight gain
I deserve the fetal position I get in while laying in the bed yearning for another dip
I deserve the fog that still hasn't lifted!
Anyway, sorry so long!
I choose not to dip today!
