Charlotte, NC area
Today I choose to quit nicotine. I will not focus on tomorrow. Today I promise and will have the integrity to keep my promise.
Last dip was yesterday morning. Skoal mint Extra, long cut. 11 years. Started when a roomate in college said that it helped him focus and study. It helped me because I would buzz like a hornet, even on skoal bandits (pouches). I can't remember the last time I had a positive feeling from tobacco. At this point I only use it so I don't get irritable and because it is so ingrained in my daily activities, like driving, showering, and relaxing. Which means I am a slave.
I work in a corporate office and canÂ’t go putting a hillybilly dip in my lip at work. And now, thanks to dip, I have (had) to chew nic gum at work just so I wouldnÂ’t get all pissy when I need to be professional. Slave? Yep. ItÂ’s so ridiculous. I am such a closet dipper.
I have kidded myself in the past thinking I can quit whenever I want. I have even quit for a few days before and say “see! I can do it” and then go back. What a fuckin’ joke, all the rationalization, lies, and bargaining is such absolute bullshit. I’m sick of it. I hate how I feel right now. Tense, achey, this is not natural. I should not be sitting here pissed off for no reason, but this is what you get when you use poison for 11 years and this is where the quit begins.
Alcohol must also be abstained from if I am to maintain the will necessary to battle the nic demon.
My dad is an excellent role model. He has never been addicted to anything. Why? Because his father was an abusive alcoholic and smoker. Died at 60. My dad said, nope, hell no will I do that to my body and my kids. So how dare I, after being given such a gift of a father and example, start to repeat the sins of his father. My dad had an excuse to be an addict to alcohol and tobacco in the role model he had. I sure as hell donÂ’t and yet here I am on the path to addiction and early death. No longer. This ends now and today, until I die of causes other than those from alcohol and tobacco.
My work is cool enough to offer a Quitline program but that is geared towards smokers and the operators are honestly way to mamsy-pamsy for me. I have been reading the KTC forums and the whole site today and it’s clear that you don’t fuck with your quit. Some sorry ass folks come cryin’ back like oh I was weak oh I bought a can. They get hell and in a lot of cases get kicked out. Shit, that’s for real. And guess what? I fucking need that kind of pressure! Because I’m a fucking slave and all this touchy feely bullshit doesn’t work. Quiting fucking sucks, it will fucking suck, embrace it if you want to live. Otherwise, slap them shackles back on and enjoy your demise. I read that quit contract and I was like, uhm, exactly. “I wish I would have started tobacco earlier.” Is what got me. Uh, hell no I don’t. I wish I had never started. But here we are.
More on why I want to quit: It keeps me indoors because I'm ashamed of it. It keeps me sedentary because it's not something I like to do while moving around and I have associated it (hopefully not permanently) with video games. I'm a big gamer and I do nothing to relax except play games. (I own 200+ games on Steam, play mainly Blizzard/Valve titles). Very little TV, almost only games. Not healthy either but we'll tackle that after I get rid of the poison I keep putting in my lip. I think the addiction of games goes hand in hand with the nic. I'm not ready to quit games yet because I don't think games are evil but I am aware it is a major trigger.
The other problem is that I freakinÂ’ love it. I have it so associated with the pleasure of relaxation. And not having it, with absolute stress. Part of this 100 day transformation has to be to come to despise dip. Loathe it. Puke when I see and smell it. IÂ’ve refreshed myself with the scare-straight stories of folks losing their jaws, their lives, painful cancers that leave behind loved ones. ThatÂ’s really helped me today.
As if thatÂ’s not enough, I have a child on the way (due early November). My first one. If I canÂ’t muster the blood, guts, and nuts necessary to quit and stay quit this time then I am a sorry sack of shit that deserves to die young with half a jaw. I refuse to accept that path. As if I donÂ’t have ultimate control, free will in this equation. A lot of what I have read on the site has helped me see that I am not alone in how people can literally resign themselves to death, for a weed. A FUCKING WEED, in the lip. Are you fucking kidding me. ItÂ’s madness. Not me. Not anymore.
Until I came to this site and read the rules of joining a group I had planned to quit the can but keep on with the nic gum (like previous bouts of dip-free life). Not anymore. I have finally come around and see that the problem is not dip perse, but nicotine.
IÂ’m a Christ-follower, even if the language is currently nic-bitch controlled. I apologize. Pray for me. I want to go back to the joy-filled, encouraging, person I was before tobacco stole that from me. I want that for me. I want to come out of the shadows and not feel like IÂ’m hiding anything about me. I want this for my wife, who deserves a loving partner who doesnÂ’t get snappy when he hasnÂ’t had his little weedgame time, and for my future child, who needs to have a good role model who isnÂ’t a slave to any substance and above all IS ALIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE THEM GROW OLD.
Cmark called me just now and said the first 3 days are the worst. ItÂ’s true, IÂ’ve done this before. I got my seeds and my water bottle. Thanks for all the support so far. ItÂ’s never felt as possible as it does now. IÂ’ve burned the ships. ThereÂ’s no going back. IÂ’m all piss and vinegar right now on day 1. I give you all the right to shove my nose in this message on Day 10, 50, 100, 1000 every day where I must admit IÂ’m an addict and will choose this day to not use nicotine.
Newly adopted mantras to close:
Stay quit. ItÂ’s life or death.
You donÂ’t have to be quit forever. YouÂ’ll be dead long before then.
