Having a rough time sleeping tonight (aided from too much energy drink caffeine).
Thank you to those that have reached out and given me encouragement. I'm definitely open to connecting with more of you.
Saw that this area is good for keeping a journal of things. Adding some of my random thoughts and reflections from the past 9 days. Apologies if this shit is too long or not the right place. Just feel like I need to vent and be honest with myself.
In no particular order
Reasons I feel better when I'm not chewing
1. Calmer, more at peace with my surroundings
2. Less anxious
3. Less on edge
4. No slimy feeling in throat and nose and teeth
5. Easier to breath, sinus don't feel stuffed
6. Easier to talk
7. Focus better, feel clear
8. Feel more optimistic
9. Little things don't bother me
10. Feel like have more time, not as rushed to finish tasks
Things I hate about withdrawing
1. Feeling that something is missing (no adrenaline rush)
2. The need of caffeine/coffee/soda/energy drinks to help
3. The mood swings (angry outbursts, moments of anxiety, and then random euphoria)
4. The fog (comes and goes whenever it wants)
5. That odd feeling of physical awareness that I don't notice when i'm chewing
6. Random headaches
7. Crazy lethargic
8. Weird, lucid dreams
9. The random thought I should take a dip and that it wont hurt in the long rub
10. The random thought that the next item on my to do list is have a dip
11. The anger that Ive wasted time of my life chewing - when I know I feel so much physically/mentally better happy when I don't use
Triggers
1. Free time/Down time/Boredom
2. Car rides / commute
3. After lifting or running
4. Conflicts w family, friends
5. Drinking
6. After food
7. New or unfamiliar people or situations
8. To focus on tasks like work projects or school
9. Chores, yard work
10. Life stresses
Why do I use chew as a crutch? It gives you that temporary feeling of invincibility and lowers that inhibition that holds you back. It makes you feel like it solves that anxiety or stress. It temporarily gives you that confidence and belief in yourself. When you were in your teens and early 20s you thought it made you look cool, like a rebel.
But it is all a temporary facade. A lie. It never actually does those things. You actually looked really fucking stupid.
You remember your first dip, it was with your buddies from freshman football walking to watch a varsity game. You had no idea what you were doing but grab a pinched of that Skoal Berry and threw it in your mouth. You almost threw up inside the stadium but managed to wash your mouth out in time. You had another one a few days after. You knew you liked it. It felt cool, you liked the feeling. You were soon chewing randomly here and there. Asking friends who were 18 to buy you cans, or finding the places that didnt ID. Most of your close friends chewed too. It was the cool thing to do. You finally turned 18 and were free to buy whatever you wanted. A can of grizzley wintergreen would last you 3-4 days. You knew you needed to stop but you just kept on dipping. By the time you were 25 you had tried "stopping" a few times but could never go more than a few days or weeks. You finally found some short term success in 2013-2014 and were able to put it away for over a year. But then you caved. You caved for reasons that look stupid in hindsight. And now here you are again..
But this time is different. This time you are putting the stubbornness aside. You finally recognize that you need a community of support. You need support from those that know how it feels, those who know how to deal with it. You know you are only 9 days in, and you know that real test comes in the long run, but this time you know you will arm yourself with the right tools and the right people. You have too much to live for, too much to experience, too much to achieve. The instant gratification of nicotine is just not worth it.
