D-Day was Feb 28/Mar 01, 2010

[DeanTheCoot]

Good shit, Allec. I relate to every word you wrote.

You're a model quitter. You got it.

[allec]

MAY 26, 2010

Quitting has made me more reflective. Eighty something days in, I have been thinking about what it means to be quit forever. Sure, I post roll daily and that means I am quit for today.

I quit dipping on or about February 21, 2005, and I joined Matt van WyckÂ’s original site. I posted for more than six months, and then I stopped. About six months after that, I resumed dipping. I was at about Day 400 or so. I chose to dip again in 2006 thinking it would help me through a sad and trying time in my life. It did not change a thing.

I remember thinking during late 2005 and early 2006 about having this “beat”. Yet, like many people who have several hundred days of nicotine free living in the bag, I was feeling craves and still feeling the fog.

I vividly remember the day I caved saying to myself I am screwed, the cravings will never go away if they are not gone at day 400, and my lot in life was to dip, damn the consequences.

Getting from March 1 to May 26 was challenging. But the real challenge for me is going to be a year or two from now when I hit a funk or have a craving. For me, I have had to make a fundamental change in the way I think about this and approach my nicotine free life.

1.   I am an addict. For 22 years, I used a poisonous chemical compound to medicate myself for some reason. My body chemistry has permanently changed. That means I cannot ever use this chemical again, and that means that I should expect cravings to some extent (more likely than not decreasing in intensity as time passes) for the rest of my life.

2.   For now and the foreseeable future, I need to be involved with a group of like minded individuals.

3.   I need to resolve daily not to use nicotine.

4.   I must control my thoughts and at all costs avoid dangerous thinking (i.e., what would “one dip” be like?)

5.   This one works for me, but it may not for others. I need to quit focusing on days quit and instead, just focus on the here and now. I will not use nicotine today and have been nicotine free since March 1, 2010.

And for those reading who have hit day 70, 80, or 90 and have hit a wall of funk and fog? Number one, that is normal and number two, it goes away.

[allec]

DAY 82

The 70s - 90s funk. Living it and embracing it. There is fog and it does suck. Not as bad as early on, but it does suck. It's nothing no one else ahead of me has not worked through.

But I will say this.

Hooch Wintergreen is a god send. Between posting roll, your support, and the batch of Hooch I received today, I am going to make it through this.

Part of me feels guilty for dipping Hooch (the nic bitch uses guilt as a weapon), but I figure I just made an end run around the nic bitch.

Day 82 and nicotine free.

[CaseyG]

DAY 80

Some examples to remind me never to get cocky with my quit. It really never goes away. We are not fixed, we are addicts, and it requires some effort (less over time, but still some effort) for the rest of our lives to remain quit.

Example 1 - This guy over in August posted a day 1 after throwing away 1,000+ quit.

Why did I cave?? I lost accountability, I lost track of what's important, I thought I could have just 1. Any excuse I give, which I just did and that's really why I caved, is just bullshit to all of you and will give you all more ammo to fire away at me. I caved because my quit just lost its importance, I forgot my mantra which is all over my HOF speech. I lost track of how important it is to take things 1 day at a time. I forgot I am an addict. No 1 thing caused me to go back to dipping, I wish it had, it might make this easier. So back to basics here is all I can do.

Example 2 - Think it ever goes away? My mother smoked for 35 years. She quit about 20 years ago and started on the gum. Eight years later, she went on the patch to get off the gum. Five years after that, she started smoking again after having "just one". Coupled with her diabetes, it will likely kill her.

Example 3 - Read about this guy. It never really goes away, does it? It probably gets easier, but it never goes away.

The baddest quitter I know quit chewing when he was 22 year old. Fast forward 20 years later we are sitting together in a meeting. He looks over at me and says, "man something is sure causing me to crave a dip". He then asked me if I got one. I told him, " no", "I'm 300 days quit". He then tells me he is still quit but craves every so often. 20 years and still craves every so often.

allec,

It does get easier but it will always be there. Keep up the good fight brother.

CaseyG - 303

[allec]

DAY 80

Some examples to remind me never to get cocky with my quit. It really never goes away. We are not fixed, we are addicts, and it requires some effort (less over time, but still some effort) for the rest of our lives to remain quit.

Example 1 - This guy over in August posted a day 1 after throwing away 1,000+ quit.

Why did I cave?? I lost accountability, I lost track of what's important, I thought I could have just 1. Any excuse I give, which I just did and that's really why I caved, is just bullshit to all of you and will give you all more ammo to fire away at me. I caved because my quit just lost its importance, I forgot my mantra which is all over my HOF speech. I lost track of how important it is to take things 1 day at a time. I forgot I am an addict. No 1 thing caused me to go back to dipping, I wish it had, it might make this easier. So back to basics here is all I can do.

Example 2 - Think it ever goes away? My mother smoked for 35 years. She quit about 20 years ago and started on the gum. Eight years later, she went on the patch to get off the gum. Five years after that, she started smoking again after having "just one". Coupled with her diabetes, it will likely kill her.

Example 3 - Read about this guy. It never really goes away, does it? It probably gets easier, but it never goes away.

The baddest quitter I know quit chewing when he was 22 year old. Fast forward 20 years later we are sitting together in a meeting. He looks over at me and says, "man something is sure causing me to crave a dip". He then asked me if I got one. I told him, " no", "I'm 300 days quit". He then tells me he is still quit but craves every so often. 20 years and still craves every so often.

[allec]

Day 72. For the first, and probably last, time I tried the fake stuff. I have had some low level, constant cravings for a few days and my curiosity got the best of me. I had forgotten how disgusting and messy spit tobacco was. There was no rush, no nirvana, and I still have a minor crave. I think this series of craves is part of the 10 week funk.

It was just as unsatisfying as the real thing was for me the past couple of years. Maybe I will use the fake if things get to the point where I talk myself into "just one".

I am glad I tried out the fake, because the physical act of dipping reminded me of one of the reasons I quit in the first place.

At this point, it is all mental anyway. I will continue doing what has worked - posting roll, outlasting craves, and enjoying my dip free life

For some, the fake might be the answer. But probably not for me.

[DeanTheCoot]

DAY 59

Some days are good, and some days are bad. Today is good.

I wonder how long it takes to rewire the brain to think coherently after quitting? I know I will settle into a new normal, and I need to be patient since I dipped for 22 years. But when?

I do know one thing - putting a dip in will delay the process of rewiring.

Posting to this log frequently is my way of keeping a record of what has gone on since the beginning. I certainly do not want to repeat this.

allec, I also dipped for over 22 years, and in that time I never went more than a nights sleep without nicotine. My first dip I was 15 1/2 yrs old and 6 months later I had a can a day addiction. I'm 37 now.

22 years = 8035 days

What can you honestly expect after 59 days? I don't mean that to sound combative or disrespectful, just my perspective.

What you can expect is improved health for the rest or your life and a pride that only quitting can provide and only you can take away.

-word

WORD x 2

I still need to remind myself that in the scheme of things, I haven't been quit very long. What's one year compared to nearly 20?

(Five percent)

(Shhhhhh...don't tell anyone that I am a mathematician)

[allec]

DAY 64 ADDENDUM

I need to make another note to make sure I have this for reference after what has happened today.

After reading the trainwreck that has occurred in June today, I need to remind myself that not only should I take it easy on the booze, but there will be mind games. The nicotine is long gone from my system.

I quit for over a year about 5 years ago, and a mind game happened that got me back to square 1 several years later.

This shit never goes away entirely. I am an addict, there is no cure, and I cannot have "one" just for old time's sake. This is a life long issue for me.

[GlennFtheKodiak]

DAY 64

I saw this over in June. Quitter got riproaring drunk and smoked a cigaret. Said quitter is no longer a quitter with us.

The biggest controllable obstacle to your quit is alcohol. And I have a plan for you to deal with this:

1. Don't drink until XX days into your quit.

2. Don't drink to excess until XX + a lot of days into your quit.

XX = the number of days until you can trust yourself not to make a snap decision to cave after a couple of drinks, XX + a lot of days = the number of days you can trust yourself not to cave after a whole lot of drinks.

It's real simple. Protect your quit, and don't do anything stupid to jeopardize it. You will eventually be able to drink again and not jeopardize your quit. Just put it aside for now.

FYI - I have been quit for 400 days, and it has never been stronger. I love being quit and I

However, twice over the past month I have been rip roaring drunk and almost caved due to sheer stupidity.

Your formula is good, but just always be on the lookout!! always.

[allec]

DAY 64

I saw this over in June. Quitter got riproaring drunk and smoked a cigaret. Said quitter is no longer a quitter with us.

The biggest controllable obstacle to your quit is alcohol. And I have a plan for you to deal with this:

1. Don't drink until XX days into your quit.

2. Don't drink to excess until XX + a lot of days into your quit.

XX = the number of days until you can trust yourself not to make a snap decision to cave after a couple of drinks, XX + a lot of days = the number of days you can trust yourself not to cave after a whole lot of drinks.

It's real simple. Protect your quit, and don't do anything stupid to jeopardize it. You will eventually be able to drink again and not jeopardize your quit. Just put it aside for now.

[sensei]

DAY 59

Some days are good, and some days are bad. Today is good.

I wonder how long it takes to rewire the brain to think coherently after quitting? I know I will settle into a new normal, and I need to be patient since I dipped for 22 years. But when?

I do know one thing - putting a dip in will delay the process of rewiring.

Posting to this log frequently is my way of keeping a record of what has gone on since the beginning. I certainly do not want to repeat this.

allec, I also dipped for over 22 years, and in that time I never went more than a nights sleep without nicotine. My first dip I was 15 1/2 yrs old and 6 months later I had a can a day addiction. I'm 37 now.

22 years = 8035 days

What can you honestly expect after 59 days? I don't mean that to sound combative or disrespectful, just my perspective.

What you can expect is improved health for the rest or your life and a pride that only quitting can provide and only you can take away.

-word

[Greg5280]

Allec,
When you get a chance head over to my intro page. I am still asking some of the same questions. I now have way more good days than bad days, but the bad ones do still sneak in from time to time.

I am figuring out the new me as I go. And I gotta say I like the new me a whole lot more....

Stay quit...

[allec]

DAY 59

Some days are good, and some days are bad. Today is good.

I wonder how long it takes to rewire the brain to think coherently after quitting? I know I will settle into a new normal, and I need to be patient since I dipped for 22 years. But when?

I do know one thing - putting a dip in will delay the process of rewiring.

Posting to this log frequently is my way of keeping a record of what has gone on since the beginning. I certainly do not want to repeat this.

[allec]

DAY 52

If you find getting to this point is easy, you are one of the lucky ones. The ONE THING, and I mean the ONE THING that is keeping me going is when I log on, post roll, and promise to be quit.

When people tell you that this is the hardest thing you will ever do, they are not lying.

My advice to you is to post roll, embrace the suck, do your time, and reap the immediate and longer term rewards life without nicotine has in store.

I have literally gotten to day 52 as follows:

1. When I am lucky, day by day
2. Usually, hour by hour
3. Sometimes, minute by minute

You'll see me tomorrow posting a Day 53.

DAY 53

Yep, one day further away from poisoning myself.

I believe a successful quit is built one step at a time. There are no short cuts, and for many of us, there is no easy way out. For me, it is hard as hell.

What we are about and what we do on this site works. Post roll, keep a promise, remember I am doing this for me and me alone, reach out for more help when needed, rinse, repeat, and do the same thing tomorrow.

[allec]

DAY 52

If you find getting to this point is easy, you are one of the lucky ones. The ONE THING, and I mean the ONE THING that is keeping me going is when I log on, post roll, and promise to be quit.

When people tell you that this is the hardest thing you will ever do, they are not lying.

My advice to you is to post roll, embrace the suck, do your time, and reap the immediate and longer term rewards life without nicotine has in store.

I have literally gotten to day 52 as follows:

1. When I am lucky, day by day
2. Usually, hour by hour
3. Sometimes, minute by minute

You'll see me tomorrow posting a Day 53.