D-Day was Feb 28/Mar 01, 2010

[allec]

January 18, 2011. Day 324.

The focus now is to ensure that I have quit nicotine for good rather than just being someone taking a long break from nicotine. There is no honor in being a repeat customer here.

[allec]

December 20, 2010 - Day 295

I posted an early version of this over in June.

Some people ask what happens past the HOF? When the newness wears off, then what? Some people relapse unfortnuately, being lured into the false sense of security that at 100 days, the battle is over.

Eventually, everyone who is successfully managing their addiction moves on with their lives, checking in here not as frequently. Maybe this quitting thing is just a first step towards greater things.

IÂ’ve been thinking a lot lately about whether there is any significance in learning to successfully manage the world's most powerful addiction (one day at a time of course) beyond just being quit. So I thought I would compose a message. Maybe this will get me off my ass and cause me to compose a proper hall of fame post.

There are not a lot of things in life we can control. We cannot control where or to whom we were born. We cannot control the reactions of others. For those of us who work for others, we cannot control the whims of our employers. For those of us who work for ourselves, we cannot control how rapidly our clients pay us.

I think we settle for second best sometimes due to what we cannot control. Perhaps we use that as an excuse. Feelings of hopelessness and “that’s just the way things are” find themselves into the parts of our lives we can truly control.

Reflecting on my life as an addict, that is why I dipped for 22 years. I was addicted, and that was “just the way things are.”

Sure, I quit in 2005 and caved in 2006. Two things happened when I caved in 2006. First, I knew immediately I had made a horrible mistake, which was true. And second, I felt like I had lost control and was doomed to a life of dipping, which was false.

It took me four long years to come back to life without nicotine.

We all worship false gods, and one of them is the false god of surrender and hopelessness when indeed we can control the outcome.

I discovered that one of the few things in life I can control is being quit. This second time around has been much, much harder, and the battle is far from over.

But I have a proven methodology to stay quit – posting roll daily, making a daily promise to a bunch of strangers, and calling in the troops when needed. And this is the best thing, hands down, I have done in 2010 – quit.

So I got to thinking, where else am I giving in to the false god of surrender and hopelessness? This extra 25 lbs I am carrying around – certainly I can control that, right? And my marriage - be what it is at this point in time – what if I rededicated myself to controlling what I can to see if the quality of our lives can improve?

As adults, we all know to surrender to the things we cannot control. But let's ask ourselves two questions – (i) are we surrendering to things we CAN control and (ii) now that we’ve accomplished what few accomplish in managing the world’s toughest addiction – what else can we do?

[allec]

NOVEMBER 18, 2010 - Day 263

Sitting here at 263 days, life is good. My voracious cravings from days 100 – 200 are a distant memory. My focus has returned. I have taken control of other parts of my life – specifically, my weight – with the same discipline I apply to my quit. What craves I do experience, although intense, are few, far between, and short lived.

I have this thing beat for today, and IÂ’ll deal with tomorrow at 12:00:01 AM or whenever I wake up.

Do I have this beat for good? No. IÂ’ll have to deal with it day by day for the rest of my life. And I will have to be wary, because in 2005-2006, I made it to day 405. It took me three years eleven months to quit again.

In the past couple of groups, I have seen a couple of individuals with low 3 digit member numbers making a return trip. What motivated them to throw away a year, two year, or even longer quit? I donÂ’t know, but I will tell you what motivated me in 2006 and why that motivation was bowing to a false god.

My quit was going well, but for the fact that I had stopped posting roll over at Matt van WyckÂ’s site. Then my father died. My world was literally spinning. I thought returning to the can temporarily would make things better and help medicate my grief.

That first dip tasted awful. And my body reacted much differently from that point forward than it did when I was dipping from 1988-2005. It was literally poison. But I was hooked, big time, and I immediately regretted my decision. It took me a long, long time to gain the courage to quit again.

Nothing in my external world changed for the better as a result of me returning to the can. My old man was still dead. My grief was still there. And since I was the ultimate ninja, the old ways of avoiding friends and family to feed my addiction returned.

The point of all of this is that nicotine is false god. Life may throw us some curveballs, and life can be really crappy sometimes. But putting a pinch of skoal between the cheek and the gum wonÂ’t change a darn thing for the better.

Posting roll has saved me. It reminds me that I do not need to bow to a false god. And it reminds me on a daily basis that I am not “done”. As long as I am here, my quit is safe. Life will throw me a curveball again at some point, and if I am here, I will come out the other side as free from nicotine as I am now with the tools this site has to offer.

Thanks to all of you.

[jburrus4]

October 27, 2010 - Day 241

I finally figured it out. I've alluded to it in posts below, but I have finally figured out my secret to quitting dip. It is so simple.

It's not a promise to myself or my family or God. I have been there and done that, and failed.

It's not medication or nicotine replacement therapy, which is simply nicotine with a different delivery vehicle.  I have been there and done that, and failed.

It's not looking at pictures of people with oral cancer or reading the heart wrenching story of Tom Kern and his children.  I have been there and done that, and failed.

It's not listening to my doctor about all of the bad things that would happen if I continued. I have been there and done that, and failed.

None of that stuff worked. I am a big time addict, no different than a gutter junkie, the town drunk, or a crackhead. As with any addict, a dip no matter the cost was my mantra.

What has worked and will work for me is posting roll daily and making a promise not to dip to a group of people who I have never met in real life. I do this every day. And it works.

well said my friend

Yes it does !! Keep close and stay quit !!

Greg

Great stuff. I think we can all relate

[Greg5280]

October 27, 2010 - Day 241

I finally figured it out. I've alluded to it in posts below, but I have finally figured out my secret to quitting dip. It is so simple.

It's not a promise to myself or my family or God. I have been there and done that, and failed.

It's not medication or nicotine replacement therapy, which is simply nicotine with a different delivery vehicle.  I have been there and done that, and failed.

It's not looking at pictures of people with oral cancer or reading the heart wrenching story of Tom Kern and his children.  I have been there and done that, and failed.

It's not listening to my doctor about all of the bad things that would happen if I continued. I have been there and done that, and failed.

None of that stuff worked. I am a big time addict, no different than a gutter junkie, the town drunk, or a crackhead. As with any addict, a dip no matter the cost was my mantra.

What has worked and will work for me is posting roll daily and making a promise not to dip to a group of people who I have never met in real life. I do this every day. And it works.

well said my friend

Yes it does !! Keep close and stay quit !!

Greg

[g mack]

October 27, 2010 - Day 241

I finally figured it out. I've alluded to it in posts below, but I have finally figured out my secret to quitting dip. It is so simple.

It's not a promise to myself or my family or God. I have been there and done that, and failed.

It's not medication or nicotine replacement therapy, which is simply nicotine with a different delivery vehicle. I have been there and done that, and failed.

It's not looking at pictures of people with oral cancer or reading the heart wrenching story of Tom Kern and his children. I have been there and done that, and failed.

It's not listening to my doctor about all of the bad things that would happen if I continued. I have been there and done that, and failed.

None of that stuff worked. I am a big time addict, no different than a gutter junkie, the town drunk, or a crackhead. As with any addict, a dip no matter the cost was my mantra.

What has worked and will work for me is posting roll daily and making a promise not to dip to a group of people who I have never met in real life. I do this every day. And it works.

well said my friend

[brianl]

Agreed

[Bean]

I don't know why, but I get strenght from that, too. In fact, after 4 weeks I posted a thank you to the guys on this site. They helped me go longer than I ever had and posting each day let's me know that this quit is for good.

Stay strong, stay quit.

[allec]

October 27, 2010 - Day 241

I finally figured it out. I've alluded to it in posts below, but I have finally figured out my secret to quitting dip. It is so simple.

It's not a promise to myself or my family or God. I have been there and done that, and failed.

It's not medication or nicotine replacement therapy, which is simply nicotine with a different delivery vehicle. I have been there and done that, and failed.

It's not looking at pictures of people with oral cancer or reading the heart wrenching story of Tom Kern and his children. I have been there and done that, and failed.

It's not listening to my doctor about all of the bad things that would happen if I continued. I have been there and done that, and failed.

None of that stuff worked. I am a big time addict, no different than a gutter junkie, the town drunk, or a crackhead. As with any addict, a dip no matter the cost was my mantra.

What has worked and will work for me is posting roll daily and making a promise not to dip to a group of people who I have never met in real life. I do this every day. And it works.

[allec]

October 4, 2010, DAY 218

It gets easier. Hard times may come again, but I can honestly say at 218 days that it is easier.

Not too long ago, I had to constantly remind myself that I do not dip anymore. I had to use a lot of mental energy to fight craves.

Now I have to remind myself to post roll daily.

Does that mean I am through here or I have "won"? No. I am only one stupid decision from being an active addict and having to conjure up courage and fortitude to quit again.

For whatever reason, making a promise every day to a bunch of complete strangers is the only thing that has worked for me. I broke deals with myself, deals with God, lied to myself, lied to my family, and pretty much made an ass of myself all in the name of my next fix.

Stick with it. Make your promise. Stay quit. It gets better and it gets easier.

[allec]

When I boil it all down, it is just as simple (I did not say as easy) to refrain from doing something than it is to do something.

I have chosen to refrain from dipping for 198 days in a row.

Truth be told, it has been much, much harder to refrain from dipping these second 98 days than it was the first 100 days. Craves, mind games, the whole nine yards. Objectively speaking, my quit these second 98 days have been pure, unadulterated hell. But well worth it!

All that matters is that I have chosen to refrain for today, and I have consistently done so for 198 days.

What is the power of consistency? Take a penny. Let's day I doubled the penny every day. Do you know what that penny looks like after 198 days? It looks like $ 2,008,672,555,323,740,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

And let's say I started over every other day. Guess what I would have after 198 days? Two cents.

What keeps me consistent? Not my own mental strength. Not my wife. Not anything financial. Not the thought of dying young. Honestly, I am hopelessly addicted to this shit. But simply the act of posting roll every day - promising all of you that I will refrain from dipping today - has kept me quit. And it will keep me quit.

So I may be an addict, but I have consistently refrained. And it has paid dividends.

"Just one" would put me back at 1 cent, and statistically, it would take me a long time to build the cojones to quit again. I like the feeling of having $ 2,008,672,555,323,740,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 in my quit bank.

We build our quits one day at a time.

[allec]

This dip we're all addicted to (even though we're quit, we're still addicts) is some bad, bad stuff. In fact, it's stuff none of us had any business ever messing with. It is said our lives are the sum of many small decisions made. The worst decision I ever made was to touch dip. I would not have had to have made the best decision I ever made (quitting) if I had not made that small decision to dip.

The point of the paragraph above is simple. Respect the addiction and respect the quit. Let us not think that we can have "just one". Because that small decision - "just one" - could be the decision that starts years of active addiction, which could trigger the runaway cell division that leads to a fatal cancer.

We have no business messing around with this stuff, and we owe it to ourselves to make sure we never, ever, ever touch it again.

[Lost]

"God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

[allec]

Thanks, everyone. My funk will pass as have the others. Stuffing my mouth with dip would not change anything. The way my funk will pass is by posting roll, providing support to others, and, well, letting the funk pass like the others have. Exercise is helping, and cutting my (previously excess) sugar intake to near zero is helping with the craves. The only variable is when the funk will pass.

As for the Big C, I have always associated oral and neck cancers with tobacco use. Seeing a story about a fitness fanatic who is a vegetarian who has 2-12 months left due to oral cancer gives me pause, to say the least.

To everyone reading this - (i) go to the dentist every six months and sooner if you have a sore in your mouth that does not heal within a week or two, (ii) there is a prayer out there about the things I cannot control; cancer risk due to past sins is something I cannot control except for staying quit, and (iii) I am quit for today, and I have no reason to believe that I will not be quit tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for reaching out; I gain so much more from this board than I could ever give in return. The power of a simple concept - giving ones word to a group of like minded quitters, most of whom I will never meet, on an internet forum - is humbling.

[Capt. Jack Sparrow]

July 29, 2010 - DAY 152

When someone has been here awhile ( 100 days) and updates their introduction page frequently, it is a pretty good sign that there is a funk going on. I am going through a funk, but the tools and support of this site help me get through it. Writing about my quit and related items are helpful. I am confident I will come out of this funk the same way I came in - quit. And I do it one day at a time.

One of the things that scares me that is totally out of my control is my risk of health problems down the road from my two decades of dipping. The risk of heart disease, the biggest killer of nicotine users, decreases over a relatively short period of time. My cholesterol is way down, and I am taking serious steps to lose 20 lbs I have gained over the past year pre (15 lbs) and post (5 lbs) quit.

However, the risk of head and neck cancers decreases at a slower rate - maybe 15 years to reduce risk to that of a non-user.

I read a story today over in the words of wisdom about a non-tobacco using teetotaler who has about 2 - 12 months left because of oral cancer. That story haunts me.

I ask myself if I will "lose" the cancer lottery we all entered when we started dipping. The odds are I won't have a "losing" number, and my odds certainly won't increase by staying quit. But at the back of my mind is always the question - did my two decade dipping habit plant the seeds for my early death?

Our lives are the sum of the little decisions we have made over time. All of these decisions we can control. I know I made the right decision to quit, and I can only hope and pray that my decision decades ago to begin dipping does not cause any more damage than it already has.

Charley

Hi Allec,

Just caught this and wanted to tell you to hang in there and let us June brothers know if we can help.

I break it down to this:

You can't do anything about the past and now that you are quit, you will definitely and absolutely not do any further damage provided you stay quit.

If you cave and put another dip in your mouth, that single dip MAY WELL BE THE TRIGGER TO CANCER that did not the moment before you put it in your mouth.

Remember the story of news anchor, Peter Jennings. He quit smoking for 30 years. Was screened for cancer every year after that and was clean. On September 11, 2001, he got stressed and broke his 30 year quit and started smoking again. In March, 2005, he was diagnosed with lung cancer. On August 10, 2005, he was dead from lung cancer.

Moral of the story, DON'T CAVE.

We are all here for you bro...use your tools.

Every one of us!!

Even us new guys are here for you, anything you need

Allec / Charley,

This is what I think about every day. My dad died of Cancer last year. My mom is dying of cancer today. Did I do enough damage to plant the seed? Will my kids watch cancer eat me alive like I watched it eat my parents?

I can't control that now. All I can control is my quit. I sure as Hell am not going to he taking any more risk any time soon.

Stay quit dude. I'm quit with you.

Charley, you know we got your back. I'm quit with you whichever one of us is in a funk at any given time. Like you say in your post, you WILL come out of this funk, and you WILL still be quit. All of us who have gone into and come out of funks know how great that feels. Meanwhile, you are one of the most conscientious quitters on this site when it comes to staying quit with the tools we've gained here, no matter what is going on. I know you'll make it through this because you don't play games with the system that works. You post every day and you participate in our badass group.

Regarding the cancer issue, we'll all have that hanging over our heads for some time, but compared to the sheer insanity of adding to that risk by caving, it's something we can deal with. Worry and stress are killers too, so while it may be easier said than done sometimes, I'm trying to spend much less energy on worry and regret and much more energy living right today. Ultimately, that's all we can do. Regret is only good as lesson, and once that lesson is learned and applied, I'm doing my best to cut it loose.

Like Tabasco, Lost, NOLAQ and many other quitters here, I'm quit with you.

Allec... You know what needs to be done, post everyday and you'll be fine. I can't imagine you letting me down. As for the C ... we all are in that boat, not just the tobacco user's but everyone. My cousin never used tobacco in any way, shape or form yet developed throat cancer. Today he's cancer free. Screening may help us more than the average guy because we know we need screening and will do it.