Nicotine has controlled me for the last 34 years. First started with dip when I was 11, which isn't all that uncommon when you live in a farming community. Added smoking when I was 15. At 20, quit smoking and became a closet dipper when my new wife got pregnant. Wife never even knew I dipped. I would hang out at friends houses after work, who also dipped, and didn't bother spending time with my wife and daughter. Who the fuck chooses nicotine over their family? This dumb ass, that's who. At 30, got divorced for various reasons, but I know why she felt abandoned by me. I was a hiding, coward, closet dipper for 10 years. At least I was now free to dip as much as I pleased, which I did for several years.
"I'll never let nicotine do that to me again!"
At 45, guess what I just did for the second time? This time, the new girl knew I dipped, but she didn't know how much, and I never did it in front of her. I would rather spend a Saturday night hiding with a dip in my office, than taking her out as a couple. I just did the exact thing I said I'd never do again. After a few years, she tired of it, and once again, I chose nicotine over a relationship.
We're not talking about heroin addiction, we're talking about nicotine. But make no mistake, it can and will control you, manipulate you, and make you do things you never dreamed you were devastatingly capable of doing. Why not just go public and admit I use dip? I wish I could answer that. My career doesn't exactly allow that.
I'm done with nicotine. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired of wasting my life just waiting for my next nicotine fix. I may be the stupidest human on the face of the Earth, but that changes now. I may only be 53 hours in, but this time just feels different, and I pray I can finally get that evil nicotine off my back.
