Hi and thanks for taking the time to read my intro. My name is Noel and I live in Sherwood, Oregon. And this is my story:
IÂ’ve waited a week to write my official introduction. I waited because I didnÂ’t trust myself that I could actually follow through and be rid of this affliction that is chewing tobacco. I wanted to for as long as I can remember, but never could. Each time, I would cave and by caving almost always, I broke a promise to someone that cared about me.
Over the course of this last week, I’ve come to believe that this journey is more than just giving up nicotine. It is a journey to become a man of integrity; a man that keeps his word always. If I couldn’t trust myself, how could I expect anyone to trust me? It was the kind of haunting nightmare that always was in the back of my head; hiding, shame-filled, lying, cheating. That was the guy I actually had to look at in the mirror. Yet I had become so good at blaming other things and other people to allow me to be that kind of a waste of oxygen that chews and tries to cope. It’s not living really – its surviving. At 46, and playing the back nine now, I want to truly live the rest of my life.
I’m from an immigrant family. My family moved here when I was 6 from a tiny island called Sri Lanka. In those days, the US wasn’t too culturally diverse – especially in Oregon. Here I was a very dark skinned kid with very straight hair and Caucasian facial features that confused everybody. Growing up was tough and I wanted to be an American so bad…just your average white kid. I actually wanted to be a redneck. So I made a list of all the things that I had to do to be a real American and at the top of the list was to be a "rodeo cowboy".
That part I crossed off the list at 33 but started that journey in high school by dipping with the other kids at school. I remember my first rodeo – I was so amazingly happy to get that done. I was the first pro-rodeo Sri Lankan cowboy ever; it’s a lot like being a Jamaican bobsledder. They even gave me the nickname the “Bronc’n Sri Lank’n.” I'm not going to lie. It was really cool. Little kids asking me for autographs, the crowds cheering and yep...the "buckle bunnies." Fantastic. But........
Why did I write about that? It’s just to show you the length an addict will go to mask who he really is. I’m the farthest thing from a real "cowboy" there is. I just learned to do what they could do so I could say I was one. It’s a costume, a mask, a theatrical performance. The inability to cope with life and to actually learn how to deal with things instead of learning to cope with them is what happens. Terrible! No one respects an addict that stays addicted. No one. We lie to ourselves when we think others respect us. They may respect a part of us, but not the entire person. An addict can’t be trusted. An addict is weak. That’s the truth….even among addicts. But an addict that has overcome – has the respect of those around them. And we know this, so it adds to our shame, it adds to our lying, it adds to our guilt and it adds to our fear of being found out.
Shortly after I had posted roll the first time, Bouttime and Slinger sent me a PM with their phone numbers. I was blown away by that. I responded to BoutTime with the following words. They are raw and they are true:
“I appreciate you taking the time to help me truly live the rest of my life instead of trying to survive it. I have failed so many times over the course of the last 20 something years trying to quit. I'm a quitter of everything good and not a quitter of everything bad. In short I've been weak and defeated. I do not want to live like this any more. I want to her to see her dad as a man of integrity and strength not someone so weak. I want her to know that her dad is a man of honor; a man that keeps his word. I promised so many people that love me that I would quit and never have. I'm done being that kind of guy. Time for me to be the man God made me to be. My father's son. My daughter's dad. My friends' friend. My sister's brother. I'm so looking forward to this freedom and despite the fact that it's hard - the prospect of freedom means too much now.”
ThatÂ’s what this quit means to me. ThatÂ’s what I want from this. If I only end up living one more day, I want to be able to die knowing that I was a man of integrity that day.
For every one of you that has reached out via email, phone or text – I’m eternally grateful. For those who have hung out in chat with me because I didn’t want to risk a cave – thank you. You have blessed my life and life of my daughter greatly. A gift that I do not take for granted and a gift that reminds me to keep coming back and posting roll each morning.
