Been a few days since I've posted an update here. I just passed 1/4 of the way to the Hall of Fame! Even six months ago it would have sounded impossible to me that I could get through 25 days without a single dip, but here I am. I didn't really get the fog like it seems like most people do, but I did have my mind totally messing with me. All kinds of rationalizations why one time would be okay because I was drinking with friends, what's the harm, etc. Nic is crafty, and evil.
The last week has been much easier than the first two. Craves are getting less and less. It's not really the nic I crave, it's the oral habit. Having something to do while I'm sitting at the computer typing. Mostly I've been trying to get past that without any aids - like there are billions of people in the world that don't need to have something in their mouth at all times - but I bought some gum for when things feel harder.
Something hit me today - when I started using cigarettes dip, it was because they got me buzzed. I liked the feeling. Then it got less over time, so I upped the amount I was using to still get the buzz. But the buzz never got quite as intense as it had been at the beginning. And then one day it just got to the point where there was never a buzz of any kind any more, just a feeling of *wrongness* if I didn't have any. So in terms of how I was feeling, I was back to where I started before I'd ever touched tobacco. I basically just felt "normal". But the big difference was now I NEEDED A POISONOUS PLANT IN MY MOUTH TO FEEL NORMAL.
How messed up is that? I mean even if it's killing you I can understand on some level wanting to dip if it's making you feel good in the moment. But if the only thing - literally the ONLY thing - it's doing that's good for you is keeping you from feeling awful, then what's the point? You don't even get the benefit of it getting you buzzed any more. I mean why not stop, deal with the suck, and then feel normal without needing a plant to make you feel normal?
I'm going to remember that the next time I get a crave. Because at this point I don't think taking a pinch would actually make me feel buzzed, or good in any way, and it wouldn't even be 'taking the edge off' my addiction since it's out of my system at this point...it would just put me back into slavery with something that doesn't even get me off any more.
