day 20 today.
I feel like something has started to change. some form of bodily relaxation is setting in. I feel more alive but also more tired. something is releasing. an old tension.
my dentist once told me that the reason my gum isn't bleeding when he's poking it with the sharp stick is not because it is super healthy, it is because the nicotine constricts the capillaries.
I had a realisation that day: if your blood doesn't flow freely through your body then your are not living fully. I quit that day.
this was in 2011.
in a follow up visit, I did this oral cancer screening and checked out fine. I told my dentist, that this is totally awesome but also undermining my quit. because I had been dipping for 20 years and gotten away with it (I knew that was not true, but my addicted brain thought that way).
So, clean bill of health was my addiction's first nail in the quit coffin.
During the course of my quit, I gained weight and a blood test revealed elevated cholesterol levels. My addicted brain throughout to itself: If if would be dipping my appetite would be under control. This was my addiction's second nail: start dipping again to control lipid levels. Add in a bunch of other irrational and addiction patterns and I was by that time hurtling towards a cave at full speed. All it took was a period of funk where shit wasn't going my way and I had my unsavoury reunion with the nic bitch.
This time will be different. I still have the nic bitch whispering in my ear and she will be with me forever, but I am remaining prepared for war in this time of peace. This site, the support it offers and the community it creates is what will help me sustain.
I quit with you all today
