My Name is Caps- many would say I;m not the typical Tobacco addict But without a doubt i need all the help i can get as i write this at 3:30 in the Am still up and going threw Heroine like withdrawal symptoms. So please allow me to rant and ramble for a bit,as my mind is just racing and i cant tell if i;m in a state of anxiety or full blown panic. I apologize if this doesn't all make sense because my mind is racing and the best thing i can do right now is keep writing. I promise once I get through these few days i can be a valuable creative contributor to this site. Can someone tell me where i can go to start a post for each day. Its so when i wake up frantic in the night i can just write to people who can relate. In fact writing has always been a way for me to stop drowning regardless of what the struggle is. God i;m hoping i can look back at this one day and laugh about how deep i was into this addiction, and be clear on the other end. But i;m determined this time thats why i;m here.
I;m well into day 2 now as as lay in bed sweating and uncomfortable. When I close my eyes it feels as I've been thrown out the window and i;m falling to my death. I have to lock myself in the house because the crowded city streets of Los Angeles would have me choke someone over the smallest annoyance. I can only expect tomorrow to be worse. Then I'll gain 15 pounds and look bloated. This is going to be one hell of a ride. Strange part is that I have been here before. I've had months of Dip sobriety and in some cases years over the last 20 years. I still dont know what it was that always brought me back. It could be the general anxiety that I have never actually taken care of or the stress and pressure in a demanding field of work. But more than anything, I think it;s that i;m simply bored. I;m single , live alone, I drive a jeep with the top down, i go to sporting events and concerts and i have to answer to no one. But that also means i can dip when i feel for as long as i feel, and I have been enjoying all those things for years with a dip in my mouth.
Im 36 now and I've had a love affair with Dip for 20 years on and off. It started as a high school wrestler in New Jersey , carried to West Virginia for college and eventually all the way out to California under the lights of Hollywood.
Strange part is I write for a living and right now Im writing as if i've taken speed. Not finishing one thought before I start another. But this is the typical first week of quitting. Luckily i;m on a hiatus form a TV show i work on so i could get the peace and quiet that is absolutely needed to get the initial withdrawal out of the way.
Caps! Welcome aboard!
First, just a few clear-ups...
You ARE a typical nicotine/dip addict. Yep. I know... right now you feel like you are probably one in a bazillion hiding in bathrooms and finding excuses to get away from family and friends to dig that little can of death out of your pocket or sock or computer bag and get your fix. Plus, you are in LA... everyone there is concerned with health and image and no professional there would ever do something as gross as shove tobacco in their mouth. Right? Wrong. There is a guy in my group (April 2013) that is a banker to celebrities. Yep, you read that right... when Beyoncé needs a new G5, she calls this cat to get her loan. He wears a suit and tie to work all day and exercises like a madman. Drives a BMW. Swims in the ocean every morning. And... he lives in Los Angeles. And he ninja dipped for over 20 years. My story is also kinda similar... though I live in the Midwest. Trust me... I'm a lot closer to Frazier Crane than the image in your head of the typical nicotine/dip addict. You are not alone.
Another thing. You feel like a heroine addict right now because nicotine is as on par addictive as heroine. So... what you are going through right now makes sense. Living in LA... I bet you don't see many smokers. And smoking is bad ass addictive, right? How many 3 pack a day smokers do you know? Did you know that a can of your cancer weed of choice has about as much nicotine as 3 packs of cigarettes. I hope, in your fog induced haze that you think about that for a minute. You can stop at the gas station and buy something that kills you... that is as addictive as heroine, and that has 3X the addictive substance in it than something that society (particularly in your "neck of the woods") disdains. Infuriating, isn't it?
Anxiety. Completely normal. Almost everyone has it. Some worse than others. Stay hydrated. Get your ass off the couch and do 200 situps. Then do 200 more. Then try pushups. Hit the gym. Walk. Run. Go swim in the ocean (watch out for sharks!) Stay active. You can get through this. What you are doing right now, by keeping this journal and letting your words tell your story, is genius. Because, the nicotine is working its way out of your system. And soon you will look back at this incoherent intro and be furious with what nicotine did to you. And then you can pat yourself on the back and say... I will never have to go through that again.
We post roll first think EVERY morning. We don't take Sunday off. Or Labor Day. Or any other day. We make a commitment that when we hit the floor, we post our promise to ourselves and the hundreds/thousands of others on this site that for today - and only for today - we will not use nicotine. So, if you put your promise on your roll call AND you are a man of your word, today is in the books. If you can't keep your word (ie - if you are a sociopath) then this plan is not for you. Quite honestly, you can do anything for a day. You can keep your word for a day. Forget the years of lying to yourself and others - water under the bridge. Don't think about tomorrow. You can worry about tomorrow when it arrives.
This time you have quit. It is SO much easier to be successful if you follow the KTC plan. Part of that is making connections, and holding yourself directly accountable through relationships with others that have/are walking in your shoes. My number is in your inbox. I hope that you use it immediately and send me a text. I, and others, will help you through the next few days. And it is easier if you accept and reach out for help. It is weird to contact a stranger over the internet at your weakest moment. I know, because I did it. 577 days ago.
Congratulations. I look forward to hearing from you. And... it gets better. A lot. You don't need nicotine to live or do anything else. Life is a lot better without it.
--worktowin
