First Month Reflection:
This is not easy stuff my friends, not easy stuff. I am so grateful to have found this site and the people who have given of themselves to help me through one of the more difficult times in my life. I have seen my share of shit - got some stories for you for sure - and I have always come out the other side better for the experience. Quitting Kodiak, more so being addicted to nicotine for so long has me completely floored. Get this, until my third day quit, I didn't even know I was addicted...for real. I had quit before which proved I wasn't addicted - and went back to it only because I "wanted to."
I can say that for at least the last 5 years, I have not enjoyed 99% of the lips I had and it probably goes back even further than that. I would always always think "what the fuck am I doing this for?" as I was packing my tin, or settling in for a ritual marathon chew. It was that voice. That tiny little melodic voice, hiding deep within my psyche that softly whispered to me and reassured me that the nicotine would make me feel better - would protect me from the stresses of the world, would keep me warm, and make me tough as nails so that I could steamroll whatever stood in my way.
My third day quit was pure hell. I was able to slough off the first two foggy days because they were preceded by drinking days, so I was just hung over in my own mind - but day 3? I was Wile E. Coyote and there were pianos and anvils hung from the sky like tinsel from a Christmas tree. I was Pitfall Harry, and the world was a gator swamp. I was delirious from a lack of sleep, and a general feeling of uneasiness and it effected me greatly. This began a roller coaster of of feelings that I have not been dealing well with.
Over my short 33 years on this earth I have learned to manage anger, anxiety has been a constant companion - even depression and I have shared a bed from time to time. What I am struggling with now eclipses these other emotions and feelings - I have become indifferent. I am finding myself more disconnected and withdrawn as the days pass. I don't know what I am displaying to my family and friends, but it scares me. It scares me because I should be anxious. I should be fearful and angry and all of those other things because things are not good right now. I have obligations that I am having trouble meeting. I am missing deadlines - I think my homeowners insurance policy may have lapsed this weekend, but as I type this, I don't care enough about it to find out for sure right now. I don't know where this is headed, but it has been the predominant theme this past month.
Now tomorrow I will wake up, shit shower and shave, kiss my kids off to school, try to negotiate a piece of morning-ass from my wife, and then call the insurance co. and straighten my shit out. I will then post roll and renew my daily vow to myself to stay quit. In other words, business as usual. But lurking in the back of my mind is that demon of nothingness that is taking over - that knowledge that I have the ability to do nothing and be content. The "i don't give a shit" not because I am pissed but the "i don't give a shit" because frankly "i don't give a shit" mentality.
Is this the new me? Have I changed at all? It is just that since dropping the nic, my real feelings are shining through, and because they are in such sharp contrast to the way I had been feeling the last 15-18 years that it seems like a drastic change to me?
Justin
