Day 9 - WTF day
So I almost caved this morning. Almost brought my quit to a end. Fucking nic bitch was whispering sweet nothings in my ear!
I started craving so hard around 3pm yesterday. My whole night was hell. No amount of gum could hold the bitch at bay. I went to sleep saying Fuck her I can do this. I woke up this morning and grabbed my coffee. Flopped myself on the couch. I Need the black brew to open my eyes. When I was able to fully open them I saw it. Right there on my coffee table!! Right fucking there!! Two cans of Cope LCS. One open the other brand new.
My brother left his cans out! In Stead of running I found myself staring at them. Before I knew it my mind was full of lies! " Go ahead one pinch can't hurt." " Don't you want the fog to left." "You will feel 3 times better." DIP..DIP.. DIP. My heart started pumping so fast! I knew I should have run. I see a hand reaching for it. what nooo! The hard work, the pain. I can't do this again. "Wait a minute that’s not my hand?" My brother grabbed his cans. " Sorry man" he says I think. All I can hear is my heart beating in my head! I immediately got up and went to my computer and posted roll! I will do that from now before my F'n coffee.
I was mere seconds away from caving. Back to the daily routine of hell. I saw his cans on the table the night before but I was stronger then. First thing in the morning is another story. The daily habit of waking up and throwing a dip in is still so strong. I do feel better in the morning without it. Funny how I use to think I couldn't get going without a morning pull or two. I do not know if I would have grabbed the can. I do know it would have sucked if I did.
I will not use today!
I will keep that Crap out of my mouth!
I will Keep living by quitting!
I will POST ROLL no matter What! (If you don't see my Name I am dead on a mountain! I was probably crying why do I have to post roll when I am off the grid!)
I Will hate everything and Everyone! (So Fuck You!!!)(Well until day 100, Then I love Man!)
Fucking Cheers!
James
MOTHERFUCKER!!! you got me worked up now, man. SON OF A BITCH! Can't believe you're brother left you in the lurch like that. Un-fucking-acceptable. But I can also say that you are my fuckin hero, man. That is some serious badass quittin. I'm even teared up a little when you said you ran upstairs and posted roll. Hot damn - you got what it takes man. I can feel it. Keep on keepin' on - and check your PM brother. I'm there if you need me.
You have recognized a weakness in your shield. Take the necessary steps to make sure it never happens again. It will get better and it will get easier. Will it ever completely go away? Your an addict -What do you think? Will you be better able and more equipped to handle situations like this when they arise. You Bet!
Carry on and Stay Quit and keep your fucking hand out of the cookie jar your conscious is watching!
living with your brother that dips sounds like it could be problematic, but it does sound like you have a very supportive bro by him grabbing them away as opposed to telling you "one won't hurt." However, I would recommend the next time you see one of his cans somewhere...you dump that shit in the toilet and flush....when he asks tell him what you did. I suspect he won't leave many more cans laying around.
That, and just remember, nothing outside of you can make you dip. It's the addiction and your choices. It's easier to talk about ignoring outside forces than actually doing it, but you can learn to. I tried to start training myself pretty early that nothing outside of myself will affect me. I know too many people who dip and smoke to let that affect me. If I freak out every time I see a dip, I'm in for a long life.
Dipping is now something other people do. It's not part of your life anymore. What your brother or anyone else does is their deal, not yours.
Way to kick this trigger to curb. It'll become easier each time you do it.
