Day 1

[bnlelliott]

awesome teamgreen...congrats on the year.

Stay Quit

Brian
May09

[teamgreen]

Day 366

Wow, nothing in here since day 27. Amazing how much has changed. A one-year thought or two:

I remember last St. Paddy's day well (first full day quit). Late in the day I went for a walk that took me by the C-store where I'd bought ridiculous amounts of dip. I re-upped my roll right before I left because that C-store was like a terrifying supermonster in my mind. It's a little fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure I was literally shaking going past it (twice). Going by that store was like clawing at the sheer rock of a cliff I was falling off and just barely hanging on and scrambling back up on to the ledge. My quit was never in real danger because I had already given my word, but it did take all my strength.

When I compare that day (and the few that followed) to today, I can't believe how happy I am that quitting every day is a breeze, yet a necessary one. Seeing some of these long time quitters caving and going through the suck again () just strengthens my resolve and commitment to re-up my quit every day. It's so EASY to do now! Why wouldn't I do that small, seconds-per-day-task to protect this infinitely better place I'm in? So I quit again today and will tomorrow too.

Sidenote (and another way to put it): It kind of occurred to me that posting roll is like pot odds in poker, except you're guaranteed to win AS LONG AS YOU PLAY. In the beginning you have to go ALL IN every hand. It takes every last chip you've got, but you get to stay in the game for anther day quit. Now, I'm pot invested, but the cost of staying in is next to nothing...one measly chip. So, I've already got all these chips in the pot and all I have to do now is add one measly chip per day. Do that and I get to stay in the game for sure? But if I don't put my chip in, I may lose everything? I'm the damn big stack now, bitches, of course I'm staying for one measely chip! It's a no-brainer.

[teamgreen]

DAY 27

Just wanted to add a couple notes to my intro page.

1. I had a cave dream a couple days ago (day 25ish)...not a dip dream, because cigarettes have traditionally been my "gateway cave" instrument. Also, because in the dream, I wasn't having the nic in the normal course of events (as though I never quit) but, rather, I knew in the dream I had quit and that it was wrong. It was very, very strange.

In the dream, I had somehow gotten ahold of a cig and was going to knowingly cave and smoke it. I was running around the house looking for a light, but couldn't find one. I was frantic and rushed. It was as if the sleeping, dreaming me (apparently, the week ass would-be caver) wanted nic REALLY badly, but he knew if he didn't get it in quickly, the real, live me (the bad ass quitter), would put the kibosh on the whole deal. I actually woke up before I ever found a light, but it really did feel like I had chased myself awake to stop it. Wieeerrrd. I remember being extremely, extremely ashamed of myself, but got over it quickly when I knew awake me wouldn't do that.

2. I'm trying to figure out what "crave" and "bad day vs. good day" and things like that mean to me at this stage, especially "crave." In the very beginning of my quit (first week or so), I massively craved dip. A lot of my time was spent fighting off these craves. Since then, I've still had good and bad days, good and bad hours, etc., but I don't know if "craving dip" is the best way to describe it. Sometimes I'm in a better mood than other times. Sometimes I feel a bit foggier than other times. But I'm not exactly associating it with taking a dip (or other nic).

I suppose in the general sense I know it has mostly to do with the process of quitting nic, but I don't exactly associate those feelings with taking a dip. I can honestly say that in the past couple weeks, I really haven't actually thought about the act of dipping (or smoking, except in dream...), even as a hypothetical, really. I know I'm quit. I associate a change in mood or fog with nothing much other than a change in mood or fog. It happens. You eat seeds, do something else, wait it out...whatever. It is what it is, but it wouldn't be affected by dip either way, so I'm sort of not associating the two, at least not consciously.

The only time I think I can remember actually thinking about the act of dipping is for a split second here and there when the nic bitch pokes a couple neurons and asks me why I don't have a dip in...in which case, I remind the ho that I don't do that I don't do that shit anymore. It's literally a one second exchange, but those times have nothing to do with mood or what kind of day I'm having. They actually seem to happen more on good or neutral days.

Anyway, the point is, people who have never used nicotine get in bad moods/have bad days also. Nicotine does NOT make it better, so I'm learning not to associate mood as closely with dip. I just need to find other ways of dealing with mood shifts, etc.

(postnote: I know I still may have some massive craves at some point that will blow all the above out of the water. That's what posting roll and hanging around here is for. Nonetheless, that's kind of how I'm feeling right now, and the whole thing is probably a further extension of my feelings in my last post becoming more subconscious and ingrained, as opposed to something I have to consciously remind myself of.)

[Greg5280]

Haven't posted in this since day 4 which I kind of regret, since there were definitely some memorable issues (progression of sleep issues from severely shitty to getting a full nights uninterrupted last  night day 11-12, craves getting lighter, but still getting a couple strong ones per day, overall mood is evening out some, though).

Anyway, the point I want to talk to my future self about here are two KTC concepts I've wrapped my head around this time that I don't think I really did before. Of course, there are many, many other things that help here (roll call, knowing what's coming, support from bro's and vets, inspiration from others getting it done, information, accountability, etc), but in terms of basic, elemental mindset, these two following two thoughts keep me in line to start with:

1. Caving is not an option.
2. Not dipping is the most important thing I'll do today.

I may have said number one before, but I didn't mean it. It's the combo with number two that seems to make it work. I don't think I had truly convinced myself that quitting was the most important thing before, and now I have.

What results is an entirely different internal battle than the one before.

Before, caving always occupied one side of the vs. and some seemingly important thing minus dip occupied the other:

1. Just take a dip beforehand and make that work presentation smooth vs. muddle through it, filled with anxiety.
2. Cave in and dip at the party after drinking vs. being pissed off at the party and not having any fun.

These are all the wrong questions and battles. If I believe one and two above, caving is never even part of the fight. Instead now they read more like:

1. Muddle through the work presentation filled with anxiety vs. drink a glass of water, take a deep breath, realize it's not really that bad, and know the next presentation will be even easier than this one since I'll have more distance between me and the nicbitch.
2. Be pissed off and not have any fun at the party vs. staying home in the first place because I know it's early in my quit vs. going to the party and beginning to learn how to enjoy without dip and calling it early if a crave starts to creep up.

"Caving is not an option" is the foundation of this thing, not part of an internal argument once something else "important" shows up. It IS the important thing and preceeds everything else. The only remaining arguments involving important things number 2, 3, 4, etc. is HOW I'm going to deal with them since nicotine isn't even in the picture.

I may seem simple to many, but it's a stark difference to my mindset before when I "tried" to quit or even talked myself out of trying.

I like the way you put this.

Well done.

Great post. I think it's very important to talk to your future self. Posting on the boards and/or talking these ideas out is an excellent way to build a strong foundation for your quit. Continue being an active quitter for your present and future self. Dig it.

I like it !! Keep this up !!

'clap' 'clap'

[Smokeyg]

Haven't posted in this since day 4 which I kind of regret, since there were definitely some memorable issues (progression of sleep issues from severely shitty to getting a full nights uninterrupted last  night day 11-12, craves getting lighter, but still getting a couple strong ones per day, overall mood is evening out some, though).

Anyway, the point I want to talk to my future self about here are two KTC concepts I've wrapped my head around this time that I don't think I really did before. Of course, there are many, many other things that help here (roll call, knowing what's coming, support from bro's and vets, inspiration from others getting it done, information, accountability, etc), but in terms of basic, elemental mindset, these two following two thoughts keep me in line to start with:

1. Caving is not an option.
2. Not dipping is the most important thing I'll do today.

I may have said number one before, but I didn't mean it. It's the combo with number two that seems to make it work. I don't think I had truly convinced myself that quitting was the most important thing before, and now I have.

What results is an entirely different internal battle than the one before.

Before, caving always occupied one side of the vs. and some seemingly important thing minus dip occupied the other:

1. Just take a dip beforehand and make that work presentation smooth vs. muddle through it, filled with anxiety.
2. Cave in and dip at the party after drinking vs. being pissed off at the party and not having any fun.

These are all the wrong questions and battles. If I believe one and two above, caving is never even part of the fight. Instead now they read more like:

1. Muddle through the work presentation filled with anxiety vs. drink a glass of water, take a deep breath, realize it's not really that bad, and know the next presentation will be even easier than this one since I'll have more distance between me and the nicbitch.
2. Be pissed off and not have any fun at the party vs. staying home in the first place because I know it's early in my quit vs. going to the party and beginning to learn how to enjoy without dip and calling it early if a crave starts to creep up.

"Caving is not an option" is the foundation of this thing, not part of an internal argument once something else "important" shows up. It IS the important thing and preceeds everything else. The only remaining arguments involving important things number 2, 3, 4, etc. is HOW I'm going to deal with them since nicotine isn't even in the picture.

I may seem simple to many, but it's a stark difference to my mindset before when I "tried" to quit or even talked myself out of trying.

I like the way you put this.

Well done.

Great post. I think it's very important to talk to your future self. Posting on the boards and/or talking these ideas out is an excellent way to build a strong foundation for your quit. Continue being an active quitter for your present and future self. Dig it.

[Ready]

Haven't posted in this since day 4 which I kind of regret, since there were definitely some memorable issues (progression of sleep issues from severely shitty to getting a full nights uninterrupted last night day 11-12, craves getting lighter, but still getting a couple strong ones per day, overall mood is evening out some, though).

Anyway, the point I want to talk to my future self about here are two KTC concepts I've wrapped my head around this time that I don't think I really did before. Of course, there are many, many other things that help here (roll call, knowing what's coming, support from bro's and vets, inspiration from others getting it done, information, accountability, etc), but in terms of basic, elemental mindset, these two following two thoughts keep me in line to start with:

1. Caving is not an option.
2. Not dipping is the most important thing I'll do today.

I may have said number one before, but I didn't mean it. It's the combo with number two that seems to make it work. I don't think I had truly convinced myself that quitting was the most important thing before, and now I have.

What results is an entirely different internal battle than the one before.

Before, caving always occupied one side of the vs. and some seemingly important thing minus dip occupied the other:

1. Just take a dip beforehand and make that work presentation smooth vs. muddle through it, filled with anxiety.
2. Cave in and dip at the party after drinking vs. being pissed off at the party and not having any fun.

These are all the wrong questions and battles. If I believe one and two above, caving is never even part of the fight. Instead now they read more like:

1. Muddle through the work presentation filled with anxiety vs. drink a glass of water, take a deep breath, realize it's not really that bad, and know the next presentation will be even easier than this one since I'll have more distance between me and the nicbitch.
2. Be pissed off and not have any fun at the party vs. staying home in the first place because I know it's early in my quit vs. going to the party and beginning to learn how to enjoy without dip and calling it early if a crave starts to creep up.

"Caving is not an option" is the foundation of this thing, not part of an internal argument once something else "important" shows up. It IS the important thing and preceeds everything else. The only remaining arguments involving important things number 2, 3, 4, etc. is HOW I'm going to deal with them since nicotine isn't even in the picture.

I may seem simple to many, but it's a stark difference to my mindset before when I "tried" to quit or even talked myself out of trying.

I like the way you put this.

Well done.

[teamgreen]

Haven't posted in this since day 4 which I kind of regret, since there were definitely some memorable issues (progression of sleep issues from severely shitty to getting a full nights uninterrupted last night day 11-12, craves getting lighter, but still getting a couple strong ones per day, overall mood is evening out some, though).

Anyway, the point I want to talk to my future self about here are two KTC concepts I've wrapped my head around this time that I don't think I really did before. Of course, there are many, many other things that help here (roll call, knowing what's coming, support from bro's and vets, inspiration from others getting it done, information, accountability, etc), but in terms of basic, elemental mindset, these two following two thoughts keep me in line to start with:

1. Caving is not an option.
2. Not dipping is the most important thing I'll do today.

I may have said number one before, but I didn't mean it. It's the combo with number two that seems to make it work. I don't think I had truly convinced myself that quitting was the most important thing before, and now I have.

What results is an entirely different internal battle than the one before.

Before, caving always occupied one side of the vs. and some seemingly important thing minus dip occupied the other:

1. Just take a dip beforehand and make that work presentation smooth vs. muddle through it, filled with anxiety.
2. Cave in and dip at the party after drinking vs. being pissed off at the party and not having any fun.

These are all the wrong questions and battles. If I believe one and two above, caving is never even part of the fight. Instead now they read more like:

1. Muddle through the work presentation filled with anxiety vs. drink a glass of water, take a deep breath, realize it's not really that bad, and know the next presentation will be even easier than this one since I'll have more distance between me and the nicbitch.
2. Be pissed off and not have any fun at the party vs. staying home in the first place because I know it's early in my quit vs. going to the party and beginning to learn how to enjoy without dip and calling it early if a crave starts to creep up.

"Caving is not an option" is the foundation of this thing, not part of an internal argument once something else "important" shows up. It IS the important thing and preceeds everything else. The only remaining arguments involving important things number 2, 3, 4, etc. is HOW I'm going to deal with them since nicotine isn't even in the picture.

I may seem simple to many, but it's a stark difference to my mindset before when I "tried" to quit or even talked myself out of trying.

[teamgreen]

Thanks, Trig. My buddy and I got a little crazy and turned it into an 18 mile hike. I am friggin toast, and that is a good thing. Early on the hike (and the fact that I'm on day four?) featured some intermittent fog clearing. It was on and off, but definitely an improvement over the first three days.

It marked the first thing I can remember enjoying since I quit. Exciting. I know I got a lot of battles coming, but it was a momentary sigh of relief.

The last 5 miles or so just destroyed my feet and whatnot. Now I'm just in enough pain I don't give a damn about chew, which is fine also. Just trying to muster up the energy to go get food.

[Trig]

Hang in there bro, you're doing great!

A 12 mile hike should help to get the blood flowing and get a lot of the toxins out of your body.

Stay strong. This is a war and we will be victorious!

[Cactus]

Apparently, jamming fistfuls of an "over-the-counter" drug as addictive as heroin or crystal meth into my face all day didn't occur to me as so big a deal.

I never took tylenol or any other drug for fear of making it a habbit. I would tell everyone within the sound of my voice that that shit is bad for you. Now I can finally understand why they always told me to pound sand.

[Greg5280]

It's kind of funny (read: crazy, stupid), but I've always been resistent to taking over the counter meds like sleeping pills for fear of getting dependent on them. Apparently, jamming fistfuls of an "over-the-counter" drug as addictive as heroin or crystal meth into my face all day didn't occur to me as so big a deal.
'Crazy' 'bang head'

That is the way I was. Always preaching to people about how bad it was to stick medication in your body... all the while cramming poison into my face for 15+ hours a day.

It is amazing how you will look at the shit you did. Fucking stupid....

Great work... Keep it going !!

[teamgreen]

This is the stupidest shit in the history of stupid shit. 4th night in a row I literally can not sleep more than an hour and 15 minutes in row for a total of 3 or 4 hours a night. Why in the fuck did I voluntarily do shit to myself for 20+ fucking years that do this to me when I try to undo it?! Fucking moronic. Sleep deprived. Not happy about it.

I am NOT going through this shit again! Commencing stupid ass day 4.0.

Hang in there Teamgreen It will get better. My first week I was so sick on top of no sleep. You can do this!!! Don't let the Nic Bitch win!! I ended up sleeping in my chair while watching TV any sleep will work. At day 4 the nicotine is almost out of your system so things will be real intense right now.

Hang tough

Thanks, man. I know, this too shall pass. Just stamping a description of how much this sucks to myself. I don't want to do this shit again.

Caving is not an option.

You are learning. You have learned you never want to go through this again and that will make your quit stronger!!!Hang tough and have agreat weekend.

I had this problem too. Finally I decided to just go to sleep as soon as I felt tired in the evening - even if it was 7:30. The longer I stayed up the more I missed that Nic Bitch and the worse my sleep became. I'm not sure if it's like this for you but that's the only advice I can offer on the subject of sleep.

What I will offer is my unconditional support to your QUIT. PM me is you need anything.

Once you get through the intial buzz of quitting and get to the day to day grind of it all, you'll be sleeping more than you ever have before. Quitting really does get exhausting at times. I remember when I was 30 - 40 days or so, I'd sleep 10-12 hours, no problem. Do what Lochi says, sleep as soon as you feel tired. Also try some melationin or tylenol-pm as a sleep aid for a while.

Congrats on day 4!

I used Tylenol PM and Nyquil early on to help me sleep. After day 30 or so I started exercising in the evening plus sometimes quitting can wear you out, I stopped using the sleep aids and was sleeping like a baby. 10 hours or so a night. I have cut that back to 7 or so but it does improve.

Keep fighting and remember how bad this shit sucks !!

Thanks for the advice all. I have been going to sleep as soon as I'm tired, but it doesn't seem to matter much. Last night I was exhausted at about 10:30, went bed, wide awake at midnight, back asleep around 2:30, wide awake at 4:00, etc. Good for three shifts a night of that. Fuck it. I'm not dying or anything, just tired, anxious and restless.

I'm going for a 12 mile hike today, so maybe that will wear my ass out enough to sleep for a few hours straight tonight. If I'm not seeing improvement by tonight, I'll take y'all up on your advice re: melatonin or tylonol PM, or something since it's back to work on Monday. It's kind of funny (read: crazy, stupid), but I've always been resistent to taking over the counter meds like sleeping pills for fear of getting dependent on them. Apparently, jamming fistfuls of an "over-the-counter" drug as addictive as heroin or crystal meth into my face all day didn't occur to me as so big a deal.
'Crazy' 'bang head'

Anyway, it's not like I haven't had on and off insomnia issues BECAUSE of my nicotine habit for years (tooth grinding, difficulty getting to sleep, waking up way to early because my body wants nic, etc.). I know my sleep is going to be WAY better once I get through the crunch and into the grind. I've got my eye on the prize.

[Greg5280]

This is the stupidest shit in the history of stupid shit. 4th night in a row I literally can not sleep more than an hour and 15 minutes in row for a total of 3 or 4 hours a night. Why in the fuck did I voluntarily do shit to myself for 20+ fucking years that do this to me when I try to undo it?! Fucking moronic. Sleep deprived. Not happy about it.

I am NOT going through this shit again! Commencing stupid ass day 4.0.

Hang in there Teamgreen It will get better. My first week I was so sick on top of no sleep. You can do this!!! Don't let the Nic Bitch win!! I ended up sleeping in my chair while watching TV any sleep will work. At day 4 the nicotine is almost out of your system so things will be real intense right now.

Hang tough

Thanks, man. I know, this too shall pass. Just stamping a description of how much this sucks to myself. I don't want to do this shit again.

Caving is not an option.

You are learning. You have learned you never want to go through this again and that will make your quit stronger!!!Hang tough and have agreat weekend.

I had this problem too. Finally I decided to just go to sleep as soon as I felt tired in the evening - even if it was 7:30. The longer I stayed up the more I missed that Nic Bitch and the worse my sleep became. I'm not sure if it's like this for you but that's the only advice I can offer on the subject of sleep.

What I will offer is my unconditional support to your QUIT. PM me is you need anything.

Once you get through the intial buzz of quitting and get to the day to day grind of it all, you'll be sleeping more than you ever have before. Quitting really does get exhausting at times. I remember when I was 30 - 40 days or so, I'd sleep 10-12 hours, no problem. Do what Lochi says, sleep as soon as you feel tired. Also try some melationin or tylenol-pm as a sleep aid for a while.

Congrats on day 4!

I used Tylenol PM and Nyquil early on to help me sleep. After day 30 or so I started exercising in the evening plus sometimes quitting can wear you out, I stopped using the sleep aids and was sleeping like a baby. 10 hours or so a night. I have cut that back to 7 or so but it does improve.

Keep fighting and remember how bad this shit sucks !!

[redtrain14]

This is the stupidest shit in the history of stupid shit. 4th night in a row I literally can not sleep more than an hour and 15 minutes in row for a total of 3 or 4 hours a night. Why in the fuck did I voluntarily do shit to myself for 20+ fucking years that do this to me when I try to undo it?! Fucking moronic. Sleep deprived. Not happy about it.

I am NOT going through this shit again! Commencing stupid ass day 4.0.

Hang in there Teamgreen It will get better. My first week I was so sick on top of no sleep. You can do this!!! Don't let the Nic Bitch win!! I ended up sleeping in my chair while watching TV any sleep will work. At day 4 the nicotine is almost out of your system so things will be real intense right now.

Hang tough

Thanks, man. I know, this too shall pass. Just stamping a description of how much this sucks to myself. I don't want to do this shit again.

Caving is not an option.

You are learning. You have learned you never want to go through this again and that will make your quit stronger!!!Hang tough and have agreat weekend.

I had this problem too. Finally I decided to just go to sleep as soon as I felt tired in the evening - even if it was 7:30. The longer I stayed up the more I missed that Nic Bitch and the worse my sleep became. I'm not sure if it's like this for you but that's the only advice I can offer on the subject of sleep.

What I will offer is my unconditional support to your QUIT. PM me is you need anything.

Once you get through the intial buzz of quitting and get to the day to day grind of it all, you'll be sleeping more than you ever have before. Quitting really does get exhausting at times. I remember when I was 30 - 40 days or so, I'd sleep 10-12 hours, no problem. Do what Lochi says, sleep as soon as you feel tired. Also try some melationin or tylenol-pm as a sleep aid for a while.

Congrats on day 4!

[Lochi21]

This is the stupidest shit in the history of stupid shit. 4th night in a row I literally can not sleep more than an hour and 15 minutes in row for a total of 3 or 4 hours a night. Why in the fuck did I voluntarily do shit to myself for 20+ fucking years that do this to me when I try to undo it?! Fucking moronic. Sleep deprived. Not happy about it.

I am NOT going through this shit again! Commencing stupid ass day 4.0.

Hang in there Teamgreen It will get better. My first week I was so sick on top of no sleep. You can do this!!! Don't let the Nic Bitch win!! I ended up sleeping in my chair while watching TV any sleep will work. At day 4 the nicotine is almost out of your system so things will be real intense right now.

Hang tough

Thanks, man. I know, this too shall pass. Just stamping a description of how much this sucks to myself. I don't want to do this shit again.

Caving is not an option.

You are learning. You have learned you never want to go through this again and that will make your quit stronger!!!Hang tough and have agreat weekend.

I had this problem too. Finally I decided to just go to sleep as soon as I felt tired in the evening - even if it was 7:30. The longer I stayed up the more I missed that Nic Bitch and the worse my sleep became. I'm not sure if it's like this for you but that's the only advice I can offer on the subject of sleep.

What I will offer is my unconditional support to your QUIT. PM me is you need anything.