I couldnt find an appropriate forum to write this in... and I'm really just talking to myself here. But, on the off chance that I say something that might be valuable to someone else, I decided to post it here.
I've already introduced myself in another thread, but I wanted to sort of "continue the story" for my own purposes.
My name is Luke C, from Florida, and this is day 7 of my quit. I'm quitting with Chantix and today is day 14 of it.
I grew up in Flomaton, AL -- thats about as country as country gets. There we learn about camp fire drinking, mud riding, and dip. But, above all of that, we get those southern values instilled in us.
I've always considered myself a strong man, in the traditional sense. I consider myself strong physically. We all pretend that we don't think about such things, but I think we all do.. we want to be strong. I've also always considered myself strong mentally. My wife can depend on me in a crisis. I will react as a man should and I will protect her.
I am the type of guy who puts a lot of thought and priority in these things. I do not lie, I do what I say, I stand up for my friends, I can be counted on, I want to help people, I am strong, and I am proud.
Even if I am not perfect, to me, the above statements mean the world to me. I want to be able to say them and I want to create few reasons for anyone to doubt the truth of it.
Thats why I have to quit. Addiction is weakness, and for the past 15 years or so I've been weak. That pretty much nullifies everything I hold valuable.
I do not want people to look at me as weak, and I need to prove to myself that I have not been lying to myself the whole time. I feel like being unable to quit makes me less of a man.
My grandmother was diagnosed with Small Cell Carcinoma about a year ago. About 3 weeks ago, after an intense battle, her cancer was elevated to stage 4. The doctor says "we need to make her comfortable."
This woman means everything to me, she is and always has been one of my favorite people on the planet. Soon she will be gone. We begged her (LITERALLY!) for years to quit smoking. She would quit, and start again. Its caught up with her now. I cannot go down that path... I do not want my family to experience the pain that I feel for my grandmother every day... no way...
As for Chantix. Since I'm on day 14, and on the maximum dosage 7 days running, I think I've experienced about every side effect I'm going to experience.
I'm definitely experiencing mild depression and changes in my mood. Chantix's side effects are almost exactly the same as the side effects from nicotine withdrawal, so its hard to know which is causing what. The odd thing to me is that my changes in mood arent mood swings. My mood remains pretty consistent, which seems to be unique to this quit. Instead I'm just generally more forward, rude, and asshole-ish.
That is to say, cold turkey seemed to make me fly off the handle several times per day. Chantix just flattens that out, to something much milder, over the whole day. Its not a severe change in mood, but its noticable. My wife actually says I'm less of an asshole now.. its weird.. but I can feel the changes in my head.
As for the dreams... oh yes.. I get some crazy ass dreams. Some are nightmares, some not, but I am able to just ignore it for the most part.
People say its weakness to do anything other than cold turkey. I don't think so, I have to consciously take the pill twice per day. It is nicotine free, I still have the HORRIBLE nicotine withdrawals. Chantix helps, a little, by stimulating receptors in your brain to reduce the cravings. Comparing it to my previous cold turkey attempts I'd say it reduces cravings by 30% or so. It also prevents nicotine from stimulating your brain. So I know, even I do get a dip right now, I wont like it at all... it wont help with the cravings at all... so there is no point in doing it.
This little piece of mind is good.. but I want to ditch Chantix at the end of the month, after 1 cycle. Mainly because its $150 per month, or about the same amount I was spending on dip, and I dont see the point is swapping one for the other.
Alright, thats its. If you read all of this, thanks! See you on the rolls...
-Luke
