For sure want to make sure this one gets captured in your archive of stoppages, Clint.
What Happened - I went off the grid and fiended yesterday and chewed almost an entire tin. I had bought the tin earlier in the week and never should have had it. I thought that if I didnÂ’t post roll, and with my dentist opponent today; that I wouldnÂ’t be letting anyone down and I could have one last day of dipping and threw away several weeks of progress in the lie to myself.
Why? - I have the worse addictive personality of anyone IÂ’ve ever known. as I said above today is my meeting with the dentist which IÂ’m scared shitless of. My brothers who are quitting right now I have developed strong relationships with several and I let them down So I went off the grid because after the first one I was just upset.
What are you gonna do differently? I still know I canÂ’t dip any more. I know this is my last fuckingshot and that my present wonÂ’t be my destiny. I donÂ’t want to ever slip or let anyone down again so if I walk out of the dentist today which I had nightmares about all night; sleeping 2-3 hours, and he doesnÂ’t say what I think he will and I get a clean bill, I will die before I ever have real dip again. I wonÂ’t miss roll ever again. I wonÂ’t let down the people who care about me who I have developed care for.
You're fucking kidding me, right?
This was a planned cave from the start.
I.... happened....to have a tin I somehow purchased earlier in the week...
I... Happened to not post roll..
I sat there like a total fucking dufus, chewing the whole can ALL FUCKING DAY!!!
Not once did you think of your brothers that you were shitting all over?
Disgraceful.
Is this a joke? The worst addictive personality ever? Off the grid? I texted you at 9:32 yesterday morning. I texted you at 8:53 the night before. I’ve texted with you almost every day since you said you quit almost 2 weeks ago. Addictive personality...bull fucking shit...we’re addicts. Period. Full stop. Everyone is scared of the dentist after years of tripling our risk for oral cancers. Bet you feel better now after stuffing your face with more poison for another day. This is straight up horse shit and it pissed me right the hell off at the start of my day. Make your promise, keep it, succeed. Or, fail. They’re both choices, you made yours be to fail. Im free today and it feels fucking awesome. I’m not free because I’m special or because I’m less addicted. I’m free today because I’ve chosen to take my freedom each day for the last 680 days. Cut the bullshit “I’ll never this” and “I’ll always that” choose today, win today, FUCK!
Clint, Here's some truth. You do not have the most addictive personality here. Stop making excuses.
I reached out to you constantly. Gave you my phone number. Begged you to reach out to me. Responded on your intro. But, instead you caved alone. You want to know why you caved alone? Because you, sir, do not want to quit. You want to think you want to quit, but you don't. You want to try to stop and then cave. You say you are terrified of cancer. Well, someone that is terrified of your gums bleeding and having cancer doesn't cave 2 times in a few weeks, particularly the day before you go to the dentist. That is some pretty fucked up caving right there.
Here's a guy that had cancer, my friend Traumagnet, the author of the intro that I highly suggested that you read... here's one of his last posts:
Well it appears that it has been awhile since I have put in an update. I had double pneumonia that landed me in the hospital for a week...then home health for a week giving me very strong antibiotics. After a week of that the nausea and pain were enough I woke up on a Monday morning and fired everyone. I called the VA and asked to be put on hospice. Hospice has been working with me to get me under control as far as pain and nausea go. I have been puking and dry heaving for days so finally last night they hooked me up to a morphine drip and a Tordol drip subQ. they have also discovered that I have chemo induced thrush from my mouth to my stomach so another obstacle to overcome.
I also carry a BRAF mutation with in the cancer war is like trying fight fires with gasoline. So I am on the hospice pony and just trying to ride whatever time I have left in relative comfort. So just trying to take it easy.
Once again just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has been on this ride with me, I also wanted to say if you text or email and I dont respond right away please dont take it personal there are days that just making it to tomorrow is the best I can do.
thanks
Trauma
Read that carefully dude. You are playing with fire. I guess you are ok with it... but I'm not. See, I hit 2,000 days last Friday. Last Thursday, my father-in-law was rushed to the hospital throwing up blood. He has stage 4 espophagael cancer, which was discovered later that day much to everyone's surprise. He used to be a smoker. Guess it caught up to him. Your head is in the sand dude. My bet is that you will go to the dentist today, get a good report, and buy just one more can. Good luck with that. My father in law won't be able to swallow much longer, and he will probably aspirate to death in the next couple of months. Todd's 19 year old son called me last night to talk about how sad he is after fathers day. I guess these thoughts don't bother you. Enjoy your "last tin" bro. Weak shit.
