Why hello there!

[Cantoo]

I bet we can vote Vade back in the island...

Invader, just read your posts here from the beginning. Your journey you describe and experiences are all too familiar. But most importantly, is reminds me why I myself, just like many others, need to post more. Thanks for all you do. Hope to hear from you soon.
Cantoo - day 74

[Drewdrew]

I bet we can vote Vade back in the island...

[Tjschu]

Gosh, Vader Malinky Long Legs.... I'd say i miss you, but i chat with you every day hahaha.

But this place misses you.
One of my favorite people ever hit's 1 year quit.
Happy for you and I quit with you my linkage bro.

I miss Vader!

[ChickDip]

Gosh, Vader Malinky Long Legs.... I'd say i miss you, but i chat with you every day hahaha.

But this place misses you.
One of my favorite people ever hit's 1 year quit.
Happy for you and I quit with you my linkage bro.

[worktowin]

11/25/2015

First of all, the quick update on the dental situation is that...there is no update on the dental situation. I've called several places, and at the end of the day, anywhere I go, and anything I have done - be it a bridge, a partial, or implants, is going to cost money I simply do not have. The truth is, I can barely keep the lights on in this place, let alone afford dental procedures that cost thousands of dollars. I don't mean to recite a sob story, but that's the reality of my life at the moment. Proper dental care is a sickeningly expensive luxury in this country, the likes of which I cannot currently afford right now. So, I'm still waiting on that second job or my shit insurance to perform a miracle. We'll see how it goes, and I'll keep you all posted!

That aside, something nicotine-related DID happen recently. Here is a paraphrased discussion/half-assed argument a friend of mine (whose wife just had their first baby) and I had.

Him: Here you go. (He held a cigar out to me.)
Me: Uh...
Him: It's to celebrate the kid. It's a $50 cigar. It's cinnamon and vanilla flavored. They're supposed to be highly rated.
Me: Well, did you keep the receipt?
Him: What?
Me: You know I quit dip. Well, more specifically, nicotine.
Him: It's A SINGLE cigar. It isn't going to do anything. It's not like I'm handing you a box of them.
Me: No, but if I smoked this I'd either go out and buy a box of them, or more likely, start dipping again.
Him: Are you serious? You're seriously not going to take this? It's like drinking champagne on New Year's. It's not a regular thing.
Me: Would you give a recovering alcoholic champagne on New Year's?
Him: You really can't tell the difference between restarting an addiction and smoking a celebratory cigar?
Me: No, on the grounds that smoking a cigar IS restarting my addiction. Also, why are we celebrating life with something that causes lung cancer?
Him: This has got to be a joke. You're way too serious about this.
Me: Well, I better be! Seriously though, do you need $50 for this? That's okay if you do. I don't mind. But for real, I can't take this.
Him: It's not about the $50, I'm just surprised this is how you think.
Me: On a scale from 1-10, how much does my refusal to suck on a cigar affect our friendship? Be serious.
Him: Uh...does it have to be 1, or is 0 an option?
Me: Listen, take that back and just hand me the $50 instead.
Him: F you, I'm keeping the $50!

That was pretty much it. Oh, and apparently, he DID keep the receipt...and the $50. roflmao I guess the guy at the stogie store told him he gets people returning cigars for that very reason all the time. But I think this highlights a few things:

1.) The average person doesn't view nicotine as a legitimate addiction. That's why you hear words like "habit" being used to describe nicotine use. I've never heard alcoholism or heroin or cocaine referred to as a "habit." I've heard it called an addiction, substance abuse, and a disease. But for some reason, people call nicotine addiction a "habit." Tra-la-la-la. Just a bad habit. Like cracking your knuckles or picking your nose. 'facepalm''

2.) For some reason, cigars are seen by society as some sort of luxury item and somehow exempt from the same status as chew or cigarettes. Notice how my friend talked about how "highly rated" it was. There is no Dip Aficionado magazine with some snob describing the latest can of shit as having "earthy tones with notes of cedar and clove." Why are cigarettes and dip seen as being for white trash, but cigars are for those with class and sophistication? What an insidious marketing campaign big tobaccy has going. Speaking of marketing...

3.) My friend who offered me said stogie isn't even a nicotine addict...yet. I was being peer pressured by someone who does not even purchase or consume nicotine products. That's what was baffling to me. I brought this up to him and he didn't even realize he was doing it. Scary.

4.) The majority of people I've known to cave here on KTC caved to cigars or cigarettes. I know the site is Kill The Can, but do not forget your fight is with NICOTINE. Kill the can, the pack, the cigars, the lozenges, the nasal snuff, the patches, the gums, the vapors, the anal suppositories, or whatever the hell else they're using for a nicotine delivery system. Never believe for a second your fight is simply with dip.

That concludes my rant for today!

This is a great post sir.

Never again do we want to be slaves. A cigar. A cigarette. Just one. How many times have we read on this site where that has led to complete meltdown? I can think of at least 2 June goons. At least.

No thanks. And $50 for a cigar? Wtf man? Unless that cigar gives handjobs that is a pretty f'n stoooopid use of somebody's money anyway!!!

[invader]

11/25/2015

First of all, the quick update on the dental situation is that...there is no update on the dental situation. I've called several places, and at the end of the day, anywhere I go, and anything I have done - be it a bridge, a partial, or implants, is going to cost money I simply do not have. The truth is, I can barely keep the lights on in this place, let alone afford dental procedures that cost thousands of dollars. I don't mean to recite a sob story, but that's the reality of my life at the moment. Proper dental care is a sickeningly expensive luxury in this country, the likes of which I cannot currently afford right now. So, I'm still waiting on that second job or my shit insurance to perform a miracle. We'll see how it goes, and I'll keep you all posted!

That aside, something nicotine-related DID happen recently. Here is a paraphrased discussion/half-assed argument a friend of mine (whose wife just had their first baby) and I had.

Him: Here you go. (He held a cigar out to me.)
Me: Uh...
Him: It's to celebrate the kid. It's a $50 cigar. It's cinnamon and vanilla flavored. They're supposed to be highly rated.
Me: Well, did you keep the receipt?
Him: What?
Me: You know I quit dip. Well, more specifically, nicotine.
Him: It's A SINGLE cigar. It isn't going to do anything. It's not like I'm handing you a box of them.
Me: No, but if I smoked this I'd either go out and buy a box of them, or more likely, start dipping again.
Him: Are you serious? You're seriously not going to take this? It's like drinking champagne on New Year's. It's not a regular thing.
Me: Would you give a recovering alcoholic champagne on New Year's?
Him: You really can't tell the difference between restarting an addiction and smoking a celebratory cigar?
Me: No, on the grounds that smoking a cigar IS restarting my addiction. Also, why are we celebrating life with something that causes lung cancer?
Him: This has got to be a joke. You're way too serious about this.
Me: Well, I better be! Seriously though, do you need $50 for this? That's okay if you do. I don't mind. But for real, I can't take this.
Him: It's not about the $50, I'm just surprised this is how you think.
Me: On a scale from 1-10, how much does my refusal to suck on a cigar affect our friendship? Be serious.
Him: Uh...does it have to be 1, or is 0 an option?
Me: Listen, take that back and just hand me the $50 instead.
Him: F you, I'm keeping the $50!

That was pretty much it. Oh, and apparently, he DID keep the receipt...and the $50. roflmao I guess the guy at the stogie store told him he gets people returning cigars for that very reason all the time. But I think this highlights a few things:

1.) The average person doesn't view nicotine as a legitimate addiction. That's why you hear words like "habit" being used to describe nicotine use. I've never heard alcoholism or heroin or cocaine referred to as a "habit." I've heard it called an addiction, substance abuse, and a disease. But for some reason, people call nicotine addiction a "habit." Tra-la-la-la. Just a bad habit. Like cracking your knuckles or picking your nose. 'facepalm''

2.) For some reason, cigars are seen by society as some sort of luxury item and somehow exempt from the same status as chew or cigarettes. Notice how my friend talked about how "highly rated" it was. There is no Dip Aficionado magazine with some snob describing the latest can of shit as having "earthy tones with notes of cedar and clove." Why are cigarettes and dip seen as being for white trash, but cigars are for those with class and sophistication? What an insidious marketing campaign big tobaccy has going. Speaking of marketing...

3.) My friend who offered me said stogie isn't even a nicotine addict...yet. I was being peer pressured by someone who does not even purchase or consume nicotine products. That's what was baffling to me. I brought this up to him and he didn't even realize he was doing it. Scary.

4.) The majority of people I've known to cave here on KTC caved to cigars or cigarettes. I know the site is Kill The Can, but do not forget your fight is with NICOTINE. Kill the can, the pack, the cigars, the lozenges, the nasal snuff, the patches, the gums, the vapors, the anal suppositories, or whatever the hell else they're using for a nicotine delivery system. Never believe for a second your fight is simply with dip.

That concludes my rant for today!

[quark]

I have attended dental school for discount procedures since the supervised students did the work. I was extremely impressed. They had the newest technology. Upper and low molars need to be there for each other or you will injure the molars that you have. Hopefully a clinic will work with you on a long term payment plan.

[pab1964]

Man Vader that sounds brutal. Just keep it in perspective. It sucks, but it doesn't suck as bad as losing your whole mouth altogether to cancer. I'm quit with you today brother, keep pushin!

Vader my brother congratulations on 250 my friend. Life's gonna always have ups and downs, we just deal with it. Check on monthly payments. Some dentist allow it! Quit on and try smiling.

[KingNothing]

Man Vader that sounds brutal. Just keep it in perspective. It sucks, but it doesn't suck as bad as losing your whole mouth altogether to cancer. I'm quit with you today brother, keep pushin!

[invader]

11/17/2015 - "Oh, God."

Well, in addition to my usual horseshit, I have something else I will be doing with my intro. Apparently, I will be using it to log my progress for the upcoming plethora of dental procedures I have to undergo. Here is the story so far:

So, this was my plan. My first and second premolar on the upper left side of my mouth were severely decayed (Wouldn't you know it? The two teeth my snus rested on when I used that when I couldn't dip). I wanted desperately to save them, and like anything in dentistry, it could be done if you have the money. Both of those teeth needed a crown lengthening procedure, root canal, post and core build up, and the crowns themselves. All said, $5,500 and A LOT of work just to have a chance at keeping them. But, I had hoped they'd hold up until my second job got underway and the treatment would become affordable. I woke up on my 250th day of quit to an awkward feeling in my mouth. It was half of my first premolar resting on my gumline. During the night it had inexplicably broken in half. And since there was only half a tooth there to begin with due to extensive decay, I was left with 1/4 a tooth. I earned a quarter-comma AND a quarter-molar all in my sleep!

I went to my dentist and asked if it was okay to leave them as is. I value honestly immensely, but man, I did NOT like what doc had to say yesterday. "The BEST case scenario is both of those teeth break off at the gumline from routine use alone in less than 2 month's time, and would then require a very expensive surgical extraction. The worst case scenario, which is just as likely, is they both become abscessed and you run the risk of quite literally dying from the spread of infection." So, here I sit in a percocet-induced daze, the taste of blood ever present in my mouth, two gaping holes in my head where teeth used to be.

I have really shitty insurance. Basically, it's poor people insurance. They treat having teeth as a luxury. Anything above an extraction, cleaning, or filling, and it probably ain't happening. They will cover a partial denture, which is what the doctor requested, but he doesn't have high hopes that it will be approved due to the fact the teeth it would theoretically clasp onto have had work done on them and are not what my insurance deems "healthy." So I don't even know if I'll be able to get THAT. I do have something called CareCredit which is like a credit card exclusively for medical procedures, but the limit is only $1,000. $1,000 in dentistry will cover a root canal and crown for a single tooth. MAYBE.

I plan on calling the local dental school tomorrow to see how much implants cost there. Hopefully, they're at a substantial discount. If it isn't apparent by now, I do NOT want a partial denture, especially given that I am only 31. But, if I must, I'll take even that so long as I have SOMETHING there to cover the holes and let me chew food properly. If you ever want to mortify yourself, read about the consequences to not replacing teeth. It's a chain reaction I do NOT want to see play out in my mouth.

Long story short: My oral health is still paying the price for my tobacco use and I do not even know what the treatment plan is...or if there even will be one. To say the least, I am terrified, uncertain, disheartened and feeling hopeless. All I can say is I have faith in God, and will do my best to trust that whatever happens, it is as it is supposed to be. All I can do is my best.

...Well, that was depressing! Time to go try to sleep, undoubtedly waking up to a bloody pillow. I'll keep you guys updated.

Thanks KTC

[invader]

11/5/2015 - "Who am I here for?"

That's a question I had found myself asking myself for a while now, and I think I have finally been able to answer it. If that question sounds scary or like me questioning why I was still here...well...frankly, that's because that's exactly what it was! Scary, and me questioning my reasons for being here! But don't worry, for much like a sub-par massage at an Asian "spa", this story also has a happy ending.

The simple fact is this: Being here for myself is no longer enough, and I shouldn't have been on this site selfishly for just myself to begin with. It doesn't cut the mustard like it did the first 200 days or so. Now, let me make a VERY important distinction. I am still QUIT for myself - this is the way it is, and the way it must always be. I am no longer AT KTC strictly FOR myself. Big difference! You see, I have reached another crossroads in my quit. It's become very apparent that people other than myself are relying on me to be here. So...back to the question. Who?

- Me, of course!

- The new people. February 16 and all the groups after it, the new folks in the chatroom, the people in the introductions page...all of them. Every so often, a new quitter in the chatroom asks me my days quit, then seems to be awestruck when I tell him or her. The first time I had this happen, I realized then that this was no longer just about me. Just as I marveled at the people who came before me and clung to them for support, I need to be here for the new quitters. They need to see that this can be done, and being here does that for them. Also, showing support for them is huge.

- The people who came before me. I now know what it's like to monitor a new quitter and see them battle their way to the hall of fame and beyond, reclaiming happiness in their lives. It's awesome, and something that will never get old. I also know that I have no shortage of kind people, people who I've never even gotten to shake the hands of, coming to June to let me know I was never alone in this. I owe it to them to stay.

- The people who tolerate my idiotic jokes, lack of seriousness, and general asshattery in the chatroom. I have had more fun with the regulars in the KTC chat than should be legally allowed. I hope I get to meet all of them one day. I also hope they're not disappointed when they find out I'm not an overly-enthusiastic motormouth in real life, but rather, a very shy, quiet, introverted person. I'm still just as adorable, though.

- The people on this site I dislike. While there aren't many these days after what I affectionately refer to as "The Big Flush™," there's a few of you pukes still here! Thank you, by the way. Don't ever change. I'll be here reminding you that, despite your best efforts, I won't be run off so easily.

- Of course, the June Goons! I can't leave those guys, either.


So, there you go! I think it's important to make your being here about more people than yourself. I wish it didn't take me so long to come to this conclusion, but part of it was me not being confident in my ability to be here for others, the other part was me simply being a very private person who keeps to himself. So, don't do what I do and wait until you think you're "a vet." Get a head start on this, and participate and be supportive from the first day. Your days quit and the number of your forum posts should NEVER be the same. And don't just stick to your group, either. Branch out. I should have over 5,000 posts on this forum by now from posting support and helping others, but I'm just now prying my head out of my ass. Don't keep your discussions exclusively on your fuckin' phone in GroupMe. Don't treat roll like you're just signing a guestbook. Do not focus inwardly during your time here on KTC. There are people relying on you from the first day you get here, including those who have been quit for years.

[pab1964]

Thank invader. Helped me over the hump today brother! Quit on!

[ChickDip]

That is exactly how i feel Vade. I find the thoughts and, or craves a reminder and a strengthening of my resolve to stay quit. Great read my man! :wub:

[Jerk11]

Nice post! After reading your analogy I immediately thought my quit, at 301, is like the guy walking along the river or dike, keenly monitoring for possible flooding or breaks. We're talking 24 hour watch with several shifts. Always on your guard. The sandbags have been laid, but you know even the sandbags are susceptible. Not trying to make a Led Zeppelin "When the Levee Breaks" reference, I promise!
I remember having strong craves in the early 200's, as well. I literally had a dream last night that I was on my way to work and was excited about stuffing some Smokey in my mouth. Sad. Thought about that on my way this morning briefly, and then the thought passed and that was it. Like a Fruit Fly's attention span, 2 seconds later I was thinking about something else and never got the slightest urge. But I am always on guard.

[invader]

11/1/2015

This time, I decided to write about how I've been feeling lately. Maybe a newer quitter will see this and get a sense of how it's like to be quit at 235 days.

I haven't thought about or craved the physical action of placing a pinch of dip in my mouth for days. This is nothing new, by the way. I find that I think about the actual action of dipping 2-4 times a week at most, and I see even those thoughts becoming more sparse. Maybe it'll get to the point where I only think about it monthly. You see, these thoughts are very brief, easily dismissed, and not really even about me craving a dip so much as I am acknowledging that it was something I used to do. What I do feel, however, is the occasional sense of something being "missing." Mouth boredom. This is when I pop in a few pieces of sugarfree gum and that feeling goes away.

Hoooooowever, this is what concerns me. I believe in order to battle craves effectively, you need to remind yourself how you actually are supposed to fight them. To a new guy, I'm sure the idea of forgetting how to talk yourself out of a crave is preposterous, since you're constantly on the defensive. But it happens. About a month ago I had a crave that felt like something out of day 3, and I found myself struggling to remember what to do for myself. It was totally out of nowhere, and I thought for sure a crave of that strength was no longer possible. I thought wrong. All I knew was that dipping was NOT an option, and I knew I could text a quitter, but I forgot what exactly I used to tell myself that worked. It was only when I got back to my computer and opened my text file with all the reasons I quit dipping that I remembered how to talk myself down. That file is now on my phone, as well.

My point is actually very simple. I now fully realize what I'm up against at this stage of my quit. This is still a war, but I am no longer storming the beaches of Normandy. It isn't that sort of head-on fight anymore. It's something more insidious. I am now finding myself strolling along and occasionally being ambushed by my enemy. Unfortunately for said enemy, I'm aware this is happening and have planned appropriately.

So there you have it. That's what it's like for me to be quit at day 235. Smooth sailing 95% of the time, but when that other 5% shows up, it reminds me that complacency has no place in a successful quit.