On October 26, 2016, I was sitting in my office with a fat lip and spitter ready to get that day going. I had half a can of Cope sitting next to me and I was feeling good about holding off on my first dip of the day until then, despite an hour and half commute. 10 minutes later, I was starting to feel tired, sluggish and had a splitting headache coming on. This was nothing new, as I had been feeling this way for a while now every time I put a dip in. The nauseous feeling would go away about 30 minutes after I spit it out, but the craving for another dip would come back in about an hour. So, I would repeat this scenario about every 3 hours. I tried to slow down, one dip in the am and one in the pm, but then life would kick in and I would end up polishing off a can in no time, ready to buy 2 more that same day. If I could only dip in safety without the addiction, life would be good. So I launched into an investigation to see if they made fake chew. After all, they have fake beer which I tried when I first tried to quit drinking. I wanted something I could use instead of Cope, but tasted like Cope, smelled like Cope and satisfied like Cope. The addict in me was not ready to let go, although my body was starting to reject the chemicals, additives and nicotine I saturated it with for 26 years. I had successfully quit drinking 13 years prior, and since then dipping was my treat to myself.
On this same day I came across a site named Kill The Can. I read the reviews, and liked the way this guy named Chewie rated the different products, comparing them to actual tobacco products. Then I started to read other forums, articles and blogs about how it was time to quit. Sadly, I knew I could not get rid of that half can, so I left the site and went home to finish my Cope in peace. The next day though, I didn't stop to buy my 2 cans, I instead headed to work, tapped on my browser and signed up KTC! I created a user name and declared October 27th as my quit day. I joined the Cult of Quit (February 2017) and started joining the live chat on a daily basis. I didn't say much, but took in a lot of advice. I made it to 100 days and decided I was on the right path to quit. I was asked out of the blue to be a conductor for April 17, which I accepted. I bonded with a lot of great people and established my support system.
One year later, after 365 days of posting roll every day, I ask myself is it time to leave? Why do I ask this question after 365 days of quit? Because I quit for one year and I'm still an addict. My addiction is telling me to walk away from the one way that got me to quit, not just stop using. My addiction wants me to walk away to prove that I'm just a statistic, and nobody will notice. My addiction wants me to slip into the darkness so it can remind me of depression, loneliness, self pity and all those feelings the made me cave in the past. I deserve a dip!! WRONG, I deserve to finally be rid of this addiction. However, this is not ever going to happen, so I accept my victory of having no desire to use. Well this goal was achievable, but the only way i had experienced success in this area is by quitting one day at a time, posting roll and making a promise to my Cult and KTC community that I will not use today! Yes, my addiction tells me often that posting is an inconvenience. Any time I forget to post first thing, I feel this guilty feeling come over me, and my addiction lashes out and says nobody notices, why do you feel you have to do that every day? This is the way I quit. If I change my way, I leave myself open for failure. I'm not saying this is the only way to quit, but it works for me, so I will keep posting, I will keep chatting, I will keep promising and I WILL stay quit.
Thank you KTC for a great year!
Cheers!
