Since I've been here 9 days already most of you who live here know something about me already. In fact it's probably been hard for you not to notice me, I've spent most of my time here so far as a raving lunatic. For those of you who don't know me or would like to know more, here goes.
I started chewing copenhagen when I was 15-16, started chewing leaf tobacco when I was 11-12. I'm almost 40. It's hard to believe that many years...you get pretty attached to things after so many years. In ways you don't even realize. Ways you won't realize until you begin trying to quit. I have "tried" to quit many times, some of those times were valiant efforts, one stop lasting 30 days. It damages you somehow after you've let it pull you back down a couple times, times when if you couldlve kept going you'd have won. You carry that hit on your self esteem. Not so much to the outside world maybe, but the way you live in front of your wife and your kids, people close. Nicotine is a monster, a master of emotion, capable of putting mind warps on you that will make you do things a good man shouldn't be doing, much less thinking. You'd think I was describing heroin or meth or something huh?...it's just tobacco though. "Just tobacco". I had pretty much begin to accept that I was going to be chewing until I died if the chew didn't kill me first becuase I just couldn't find the strength anymore to make any fight against it. It was too depressing, never being able to win, always being drug back down and always ending up chew more than before.
Fast forward to 9 days ago...I'm scrolling through facebook and see a post a friend shared and in the pic is a guy with his lip all messed up from cancer. I hate that stuff. I'm scared to death of cancer so most of the time all I have to see is a glimpse of a word that might be getting ready to have something to do with cancer and I'm outa there before you know it. For some reason this time I didn't split in the other direction 90 to nuthin, I clicked it. It brought me here for the first time. I can't really explain it, but I knew instantly I needed to be here. I was meant to be here. I had to be here.
That other guy showed up right about then too. Theres two of us here atm. (I hope thats ok for the introduction rules) This other guy is really an ass, but he's part of the story too so you kinda have to meet both of us. He gets mad pretty easy. Don't look funny at him or anything and try not to make eye contact. Especially do not take his copenhagen away, you will surely be destroyed. He has a terrible selfish attitude, speaks to people like they are nothing, and will say and do nearly anything for nicotine. He's freakin smart too, you'd better be on your toes if you encounter him lurking around here.
Anyway so here I am seeing this place for the first time, reading comments and realizing there really are others who get this and boy was I getting excited. I actually took the lappy and hid in the bedroom most of the afternoon while I scoped things out and started to try and make some friends. I had that feeling like I had came home after being gone for a long time. However, the whole time that this cool thing was going on, the other guy would not leave me alone. It's like he doesn't want me to be happy at anything without him being there. He always has to be in the middle of stuff, I can hardly go anywhere without him showing up. He was rude to some of the folks I met here that first day even. I argued with him later that night over him thinking they were worthless an dangerous people, he seemed very threatened by them and kept me up pretty much all night making a fuss about my committment to show up here the next morning first thing, without him of course. He didn't want me going without him. Thats when it got really bad. I did go by myself, heck I was looking forward to being away from the jerk for a while, but he must have followed me here because he got right in the middle of all my conversations raging like some fanatical moron. Interrupting, screaming, pitching the silliest fits you've probably ever seen. You really would have to see it to appreciate it.
In fact you can see it if you are so inclined. It's all there for you to read for yourself because there really is no "other guy". It was me. I did it. I said all those things to those people. I got so mad I cried and I'm pretty sure had I not been the distance of our keyboards apart that I probably woul have physically assaulted someone. It was me. All over nicotine. The people here wanted to help me quit and I wanted help, but I was scared. I wanted to quit so damn bad, I just didnt know how and the master of emotions was mastering me. I could change my mind from wanting to quit to not wanting to quit a hundred times a minute those first few days. I've yelled curse words at nearly everyone here, twice probably. Yet they kept helping, kept encouraging me.
The week or so that followed has been one of the most trying weeks of my life to date. It's been 9 days now and I have been tobacco free (if you want to call it that) since. I've scratched and clawed and fought and cussed and smashed and cried a lot. I've cried tears of rage and anger so motivating it's downright scary. I spent every ounze of energy I had keeping myself from caving. I almost lost a few times, but I'm still here. I've put out some effort but I don't think I could have made it to here without the support of the fine folks here. You know who you are and I am grateful to you. The other guy is starting to not come around quite as much now, I think he's getting the hint he's not wanted.
So, there's somewhat of an introduction from me myself and I, but Im thinking more of it like a first journal entry. I hope to be around here for a little while and I'm planning on gaining some experiences to bring back here and share. Even though I just go one day at a time, I'm excited about the future.
Above all if you are reading my little diddy here and considering quitting, stop considering and jump right in. It's safe here and it works and the people are real.
Thanks for listening and I hope you enjoyed it. Till next time...
