Stone Cold Can Killer

[FMBM707]

Day 52: Reentry

After having crossed over the 50 day mark, it feels like I am finally beginning my reentry back into some semblance of normalcy. I haven't been posting as much lately, other than roll first thing each day. That doesn't indicate a drift on my part - more the ebb and flow that I somewhat knew to expect heading into this final quit. More on that in a bit.

I remember reading somewhere back on my first few days on KTC about how you need to devote 100% of your time, focus, and energy on your quit for at least the first 30 days. Aside from feeding and taking care of myself and my daughter, that's exactly what I did. Frankly, I had no choice. Quitting nicotine cold turkey was and has been a difficult and all-consuming decision that I have had to forcefully renew each and every day. That largely meant most other aspects of daily life took a backseat. The lawn looked like an unkempt prairie more often than not. The recycling bins were overflowing regularly. Dog hair began to collect and form tumbleweeds in the hallways and living areas. The owner of my gym emailed me to find out if I had gone completely MIA. Oh, and I had been, at best, 2% productive at work for the entire month of August.

By the time early September rolled around and I had crossed the 30 day mark, a chilly funk had settled in. I was extremely happy to be quit, but I felt like the rest of my life was turning into an untended garden - full of weeds and overripe fruit. Around the same time, my company had previously announced that due to budget reasons, most US-based employees would have to take what was essentially a furlough the week of Labor Day. I won't go into all of the reasons as to why this was a total cockpunch move on their part, but suffice it to say that I had already taken my vacation time this Summer and would have to cancel other plans as a result. Since my wife had to work and my daughter had her first week in her new class, I was stuck on the homefront more or less tending to all of those domestic things that I had been neglecting. I also took on a project of painting several pieces of furniture that turned into a multi-day affair. It was something about that painting project in particular that led me to an almost meditative place where I got completely lost in my own mind for hours at a time. I was largely away from KTC, but still very much consumed with thoughts of quitting and my addiction in general. I can't even begin to cover the full spectrum of places where my thoughts wound up, but I will say that it was like being in my own "fortress of solitude" for a few days. I'm thankful for that kind of time, but also thankful that it was only temporary. Being in your own head 24/7 can lead to some strange, circular, and neurotic thoughts after a while...

So, back to posting on KTC and other general updates/musings:

• Circumstances being what they are, the brief hiatus from actively posting on KTC has been a mix of good, bad, and necessary. In many respects, it was better for me to step back briefly and take stock of my own quit and not the quits of others. At the same time, I simply could not and cannot continue the torrid pace of near zero productivity that I had going at work for over a month. I finally reached a place mentally where the focus and motivation that have been missing for weeks have begun to return. It's like seeing the sunrise after a long, cold night outside. On the other hand, I have not been nearly as vocal and supportive of the November and December 2014 groups as I have wanted to be. From here and now, I will strive to find that balance.
• After the owner of my gym put out an APB on me a few weeks back, I finally went back in last Monday and have been 3 other times since. The atmosphere at my gym is more like a small, tight-knit community and I initially felt a lot of nervousness about heading back in there after nearly a month away. I have more thoughts related to this which I will do as a separate post, but ultimately it was a huge relief to be back under a bar again.
• The first post-quit dentist visit came and went last week. In the past, I would always stop dipping at least 10-14 days prior to any dentist appointments to give my gums some time to heal and avoid any lectures about dipping. I'd always blame the nasty stains on the backs of my teeth on drinking coffee while the hygienist mercilessly scraped away at them with her pick. After this last visit and getting a positive overall review from the dentist, I am absolutely resolute in my commitment to make this the last time Attila The Hygienist ever scrapes even a shred of dip stain from my teeth.
• I faced one of my more dreaded triggerfests this past weekend: a family camping trip with several other dippers. Prior to the trip, I texted a few of my quit brothers to let them know I'd be off in the wilderness and to solicit opinions on whether drinking at all should be on the table. It was a mixed verdict, but ultimately the message was to only do it if I was absolutely 100% certain that it wouldn't jeopardize my quit in any way. I went into the weekend 100% resolute to stay quit no matter what, so I didn't actively plan to have a beer and I brought some old cans of fake stuff along as an emergency measure. The weekend went along pretty easily. At one point, one dipper mentioned spotting some seeds in my car and asked if I had quit. I used that as an opportunity to wholeheartedly confirm that I had almost 50 days under my belt and plugged KTC several times along the way. After pouring rain literally non-stop the whole day on Saturday, it finally started to clear around 10:00 - just after the last of the wives and kids had gone off to bed. In years past, this would have meant the green light to commence dipping, but not this time. I was about ready to call it a night myself when one of the guys pulled out cans of Heady Topper he had stashed in his cooler and passed them around. If you're any kind of beer fan, you know or have heard about HT and how hard it is to get. I graciously accepted the can, cracked it open, took a long whiff and a light sip. It was truly awesome and a fitting reintroduction to beer after almost 50 days of quit-mandated abstinence. I nursed that one beer for over an hour while some of the other guys packed one cat turd after the next into their lips. At one point about halfway through that beer, I got that "itch" again. It wasn't overwhelming, or even particularly strong, but I decided to reach for some of the fake stuff for the first time in a long, long time to try and mitigate that itch. That lump of fake cat turd stayed in my mouth all of 15 seconds before I chucked it into the fire. It felt about as satisfying to me as chewing on a handful of buttons. Just...nothing. However, I kept looking around at the others with their lips packed with devil's dirt and felt that same thing....nothing. It feels like I won a piece of me back this weekend.

This is awesome bro, glad to have you here at KTC.

Great stuff Tuco! Keep beating those triggers ODAAT. Enjoy reading about your quit. Quit with you today

[Smeds]

Day 52: Reentry

After having crossed over the 50 day mark, it feels like I am finally beginning my reentry back into some semblance of normalcy. I haven't been posting as much lately, other than roll first thing each day. That doesn't indicate a drift on my part - more the ebb and flow that I somewhat knew to expect heading into this final quit. More on that in a bit.

I remember reading somewhere back on my first few days on KTC about how you need to devote 100% of your time, focus, and energy on your quit for at least the first 30 days. Aside from feeding and taking care of myself and my daughter, that's exactly what I did. Frankly, I had no choice. Quitting nicotine cold turkey was and has been a difficult and all-consuming decision that I have had to forcefully renew each and every day. That largely meant most other aspects of daily life took a backseat. The lawn looked like an unkempt prairie more often than not. The recycling bins were overflowing regularly. Dog hair began to collect and form tumbleweeds in the hallways and living areas. The owner of my gym emailed me to find out if I had gone completely MIA. Oh, and I had been, at best, 2% productive at work for the entire month of August.

By the time early September rolled around and I had crossed the 30 day mark, a chilly funk had settled in. I was extremely happy to be quit, but I felt like the rest of my life was turning into an untended garden - full of weeds and overripe fruit. Around the same time, my company had previously announced that due to budget reasons, most US-based employees would have to take what was essentially a furlough the week of Labor Day. I won't go into all of the reasons as to why this was a total cockpunch move on their part, but suffice it to say that I had already taken my vacation time this Summer and would have to cancel other plans as a result. Since my wife had to work and my daughter had her first week in her new class, I was stuck on the homefront more or less tending to all of those domestic things that I had been neglecting. I also took on a project of painting several pieces of furniture that turned into a multi-day affair. It was something about that painting project in particular that led me to an almost meditative place where I got completely lost in my own mind for hours at a time. I was largely away from KTC, but still very much consumed with thoughts of quitting and my addiction in general. I can't even begin to cover the full spectrum of places where my thoughts wound up, but I will say that it was like being in my own "fortress of solitude" for a few days. I'm thankful for that kind of time, but also thankful that it was only temporary. Being in your own head 24/7 can lead to some strange, circular, and neurotic thoughts after a while...

So, back to posting on KTC and other general updates/musings:

• Circumstances being what they are, the brief hiatus from actively posting on KTC has been a mix of good, bad, and necessary. In many respects, it was better for me to step back briefly and take stock of my own quit and not the quits of others. At the same time, I simply could not and cannot continue the torrid pace of near zero productivity that I had going at work for over a month. I finally reached a place mentally where the focus and motivation that have been missing for weeks have begun to return. It's like seeing the sunrise after a long, cold night outside. On the other hand, I have not been nearly as vocal and supportive of the November and December 2014 groups as I have wanted to be. From here and now, I will strive to find that balance.
• After the owner of my gym put out an APB on me a few weeks back, I finally went back in last Monday and have been 3 other times since. The atmosphere at my gym is more like a small, tight-knit community and I initially felt a lot of nervousness about heading back in there after nearly a month away. I have more thoughts related to this which I will do as a separate post, but ultimately it was a huge relief to be back under a bar again.
• The first post-quit dentist visit came and went last week. In the past, I would always stop dipping at least 10-14 days prior to any dentist appointments to give my gums some time to heal and avoid any lectures about dipping. I'd always blame the nasty stains on the backs of my teeth on drinking coffee while the hygienist mercilessly scraped away at them with her pick. After this last visit and getting a positive overall review from the dentist, I am absolutely resolute in my commitment to make this the last time Attila The Hygienist ever scrapes even a shred of dip stain from my teeth.
• I faced one of my more dreaded triggerfests this past weekend: a family camping trip with several other dippers. Prior to the trip, I texted a few of my quit brothers to let them know I'd be off in the wilderness and to solicit opinions on whether drinking at all should be on the table. It was a mixed verdict, but ultimately the message was to only do it if I was absolutely 100% certain that it wouldn't jeopardize my quit in any way. I went into the weekend 100% resolute to stay quit no matter what, so I didn't actively plan to have a beer and I brought some old cans of fake stuff along as an emergency measure. The weekend went along pretty easily. At one point, one dipper mentioned spotting some seeds in my car and asked if I had quit. I used that as an opportunity to wholeheartedly confirm that I had almost 50 days under my belt and plugged KTC several times along the way. After pouring rain literally non-stop the whole day on Saturday, it finally started to clear around 10:00 - just after the last of the wives and kids had gone off to bed. In years past, this would have meant the green light to commence dipping, but not this time. I was about ready to call it a night myself when one of the guys pulled out cans of Heady Topper he had stashed in his cooler and passed them around. If you're any kind of beer fan, you know or have heard about HT and how hard it is to get. I graciously accepted the can, cracked it open, took a long whiff and a light sip. It was truly awesome and a fitting reintroduction to beer after almost 50 days of quit-mandated abstinence. I nursed that one beer for over an hour while some of the other guys packed one cat turd after the next into their lips. At one point about halfway through that beer, I got that "itch" again. It wasn't overwhelming, or even particularly strong, but I decided to reach for some of the fake stuff for the first time in a long, long time to try and mitigate that itch. That lump of fake cat turd stayed in my mouth all of 15 seconds before I chucked it into the fire. It felt about as satisfying to me as chewing on a handful of buttons. Just...nothing. However, I kept looking around at the others with their lips packed with devil's dirt and felt that same thing....nothing. It feels like I won a piece of me back this weekend.

This is awesome bro, glad to have you here at KTC.

[Tuco]

Day 52: Reentry

After having crossed over the 50 day mark, it feels like I am finally beginning my reentry back into some semblance of normalcy. I haven't been posting as much lately, other than roll first thing each day. That doesn't indicate a drift on my part - more the ebb and flow that I somewhat knew to expect heading into this final quit. More on that in a bit.

I remember reading somewhere back on my first few days on KTC about how you need to devote 100% of your time, focus, and energy on your quit for at least the first 30 days. Aside from feeding and taking care of myself and my daughter, that's exactly what I did. Frankly, I had no choice. Quitting nicotine cold turkey was and has been a difficult and all-consuming decision that I have had to forcefully renew each and every day. That largely meant most other aspects of daily life took a backseat. The lawn looked like an unkempt prairie more often than not. The recycling bins were overflowing regularly. Dog hair began to collect and form tumbleweeds in the hallways and living areas. The owner of my gym emailed me to find out if I had gone completely MIA. Oh, and I had been, at best, 2% productive at work for the entire month of August.

By the time early September rolled around and I had crossed the 30 day mark, a chilly funk had settled in. I was extremely happy to be quit, but I felt like the rest of my life was turning into an untended garden - full of weeds and overripe fruit. Around the same time, my company had previously announced that due to budget reasons, most US-based employees would have to take what was essentially a furlough the week of Labor Day. I won't go into all of the reasons as to why this was a total cockpunch move on their part, but suffice it to say that I had already taken my vacation time this Summer and would have to cancel other plans as a result. Since my wife had to work and my daughter had her first week in her new class, I was stuck on the homefront more or less tending to all of those domestic things that I had been neglecting. I also took on a project of painting several pieces of furniture that turned into a multi-day affair. It was something about that painting project in particular that led me to an almost meditative place where I got completely lost in my own mind for hours at a time. I was largely away from KTC, but still very much consumed with thoughts of quitting and my addiction in general. I can't even begin to cover the full spectrum of places where my thoughts wound up, but I will say that it was like being in my own "fortress of solitude" for a few days. I'm thankful for that kind of time, but also thankful that it was only temporary. Being in your own head 24/7 can lead to some strange, circular, and neurotic thoughts after a while...

So, back to posting on KTC and other general updates/musings:

• Circumstances being what they are, the brief hiatus from actively posting on KTC has been a mix of good, bad, and necessary. In many respects, it was better for me to step back briefly and take stock of my own quit and not the quits of others. At the same time, I simply could not and cannot continue the torrid pace of near zero productivity that I had going at work for over a month. I finally reached a place mentally where the focus and motivation that have been missing for weeks have begun to return. It's like seeing the sunrise after a long, cold night outside. On the other hand, I have not been nearly as vocal and supportive of the November and December 2014 groups as I have wanted to be. From here and now, I will strive to find that balance.
• After the owner of my gym put out an APB on me a few weeks back, I finally went back in last Monday and have been 3 other times since. The atmosphere at my gym is more like a small, tight-knit community and I initially felt a lot of nervousness about heading back in there after nearly a month away. I have more thoughts related to this which I will do as a separate post, but ultimately it was a huge relief to be back under a bar again.
• The first post-quit dentist visit came and went last week. In the past, I would always stop dipping at least 10-14 days prior to any dentist appointments to give my gums some time to heal and avoid any lectures about dipping. I'd always blame the nasty stains on the backs of my teeth on drinking coffee while the hygienist mercilessly scraped away at them with her pick. After this last visit and getting a positive overall review from the dentist, I am absolutely resolute in my commitment to make this the last time Attila The Hygienist ever scrapes even a shred of dip stain from my teeth.
• I faced one of my more dreaded triggerfests this past weekend: a family camping trip with several other dippers. Prior to the trip, I texted a few of my quit brothers to let them know I'd be off in the wilderness and to solicit opinions on whether drinking at all should be on the table. It was a mixed verdict, but ultimately the message was to only do it if I was absolutely 100% certain that it wouldn't jeopardize my quit in any way. I went into the weekend 100% resolute to stay quit no matter what, so I didn't actively plan to have a beer and I brought some old cans of fake stuff along as an emergency measure. The weekend went along pretty easily. At one point, one dipper mentioned spotting some seeds in my car and asked if I had quit. I used that as an opportunity to wholeheartedly confirm that I had almost 50 days under my belt and plugged KTC several times along the way. After pouring rain literally non-stop the whole day on Saturday, it finally started to clear around 10:00 - just after the last of the wives and kids had gone off to bed. In years past, this would have meant the green light to commence dipping, but not this time. I was about ready to call it a night myself when one of the guys pulled out cans of Heady Topper he had stashed in his cooler and passed them around. If you're any kind of beer fan, you know or have heard about HT and how hard it is to get. I graciously accepted the can, cracked it open, took a long whiff and a light sip. It was truly awesome and a fitting reintroduction to beer after almost 50 days of quit-mandated abstinence. I nursed that one beer for over an hour while some of the other guys packed one cat turd after the next into their lips. At one point about halfway through that beer, I got that "itch" again. It wasn't overwhelming, or even particularly strong, but I decided to reach for some of the fake stuff for the first time in a long, long time to try and mitigate that itch. That lump of fake cat turd stayed in my mouth all of 15 seconds before I chucked it into the fire. It felt about as satisfying to me as chewing on a handful of buttons. Just...nothing. However, I kept looking around at the others with their lips packed with devil's dirt and felt that same thing....nothing. It feels like I won a piece of me back this weekend.

[FMBM707]

I'm a big fan of transparency, especially when it comes to matters relating to my quit. I'm finding that it helps every bit as much to be transparent as it does to be accountable. Over the past number of weeks I have received digits from at least a 2-3 dozen of you. Even more of you now have mine. My accountability in a quit has never been higher, and it helps me feel like I'm standing on bedrock when I get up each day and promise to be nic-free.

However, something has been nagging at me for the past few days, and I haven't been able to shake it. I went out fishing with a former dipping buddy of mine the other night and faced down what I thought was going to be a massive trigger. In the end, it turned out to be a complete non-factor and the thought of caving even the tiniest bit never once crossed my mind. I had a few craves, sure, but I dealt with those as I've dealt with all of the rest - seeds, gum, water, breathing, etc. What was nagging at me was the fact that I could tell that my wife was more uneasy about me going fishing than I was. She knows what a cat turd fest those used to be for me and reminded me several times that I am accountable to her and kept asking me not to dip. I had already made my pledge, so naturally caving was not an option.

Then it hit me: the last time I quit it was for a life insurance physical. There are ways of checking to make sure that someone is on the up and up at any moment. So with that in mind, I went on Amazon and bought a 10 pack of cotinine test strips. The cost was under $10 and my wife understands that she can pull a "surprise inspection" on me any time she pleases. For me, it's not about living under a constant threat of being piss-tested as a motivator. Rather, it's all about wanting to be 100% transparent with her after so many years of lies. I think she was a little blown away by the fact that I even suggested it, but gaining that long term trust back through some simple transparency is more important to me than anything. If peeing on a stick will rebuild that trust, pass the water and sign me up.

Since I'm accountable to you all as well, I'd be more than happy to share the results whenever she decides to start tossing bunks.

This is awesome tuco. Never thought of giving that power to the wife to build some trust back. Hell of an idea. Quit with you today.

Good stuff Tuco. My wife has been cautiously optimistic. Every time a big weekend rolls around, when I have guy stuff planned she gets nervous. I might have to get some of those piss testers just to keep her mind at ease. I know I'm quit but it's much harder for her to believe it.

The only way we can prove our quit is one day at a time.

Tuco, everything you just said is a great path to follow. Countless guys would probably wonder why their wife couldn't just trust them and might even get mad at her for it. The simple fact is that they can't trust us because we've spent a whole lot longer burning that bridge than building it. The fact that you can sympathize with that and find a constructive solution is awesome.

In all honesty, I'm trying to become the Dr. Phil of KTC. I just need to grow a mustache and get my horseshoe haircut swagger going.

Make sure you take a picture and share when you grow that push broom stache. Keep the quit and the thought flowing. Your quit is helping others. Quit on Tuco

[Tuco]

I'm a big fan of transparency, especially when it comes to matters relating to my quit. I'm finding that it helps every bit as much to be transparent as it does to be accountable. Over the past number of weeks I have received digits from at least a 2-3 dozen of you. Even more of you now have mine. My accountability in a quit has never been higher, and it helps me feel like I'm standing on bedrock when I get up each day and promise to be nic-free.

However, something has been nagging at me for the past few days, and I haven't been able to shake it. I went out fishing with a former dipping buddy of mine the other night and faced down what I thought was going to be a massive trigger. In the end, it turned out to be a complete non-factor and the thought of caving even the tiniest bit never once crossed my mind. I had a few craves, sure, but I dealt with those as I've dealt with all of the rest - seeds, gum, water, breathing, etc. What was nagging at me was the fact that I could tell that my wife was more uneasy about me going fishing than I was. She knows what a cat turd fest those used to be for me and reminded me several times that I am accountable to her and kept asking me not to dip. I had already made my pledge, so naturally caving was not an option.

Then it hit me: the last time I quit it was for a life insurance physical. There are ways of checking to make sure that someone is on the up and up at any moment. So with that in mind, I went on Amazon and bought a 10 pack of cotinine test strips. The cost was under $10 and my wife understands that she can pull a "surprise inspection" on me any time she pleases. For me, it's not about living under a constant threat of being piss-tested as a motivator. Rather, it's all about wanting to be 100% transparent with her after so many years of lies. I think she was a little blown away by the fact that I even suggested it, but gaining that long term trust back through some simple transparency is more important to me than anything. If peeing on a stick will rebuild that trust, pass the water and sign me up.

Since I'm accountable to you all as well, I'd be more than happy to share the results whenever she decides to start tossing bunks.

This is awesome tuco. Never thought of giving that power to the wife to build some trust back. Hell of an idea. Quit with you today.

Good stuff Tuco. My wife has been cautiously optimistic. Every time a big weekend rolls around, when I have guy stuff planned she gets nervous. I might have to get some of those piss testers just to keep her mind at ease. I know I'm quit but it's much harder for her to believe it.

The only way we can prove our quit is one day at a time.

Tuco, everything you just said is a great path to follow. Countless guys would probably wonder why their wife couldn't just trust them and might even get mad at her for it. The simple fact is that they can't trust us because we've spent a whole lot longer burning that bridge than building it. The fact that you can sympathize with that and find a constructive solution is awesome.

In all honesty, I'm trying to become the Dr. Phil of KTC. I just need to grow a mustache and get my horseshoe haircut swagger going.

[CastleHusky]

I'm a big fan of transparency, especially when it comes to matters relating to my quit. I'm finding that it helps every bit as much to be transparent as it does to be accountable. Over the past number of weeks I have received digits from at least a 2-3 dozen of you. Even more of you now have mine. My accountability in a quit has never been higher, and it helps me feel like I'm standing on bedrock when I get up each day and promise to be nic-free.

However, something has been nagging at me for the past few days, and I haven't been able to shake it. I went out fishing with a former dipping buddy of mine the other night and faced down what I thought was going to be a massive trigger. In the end, it turned out to be a complete non-factor and the thought of caving even the tiniest bit never once crossed my mind. I had a few craves, sure, but I dealt with those as I've dealt with all of the rest - seeds, gum, water, breathing, etc. What was nagging at me was the fact that I could tell that my wife was more uneasy about me going fishing than I was. She knows what a cat turd fest those used to be for me and reminded me several times that I am accountable to her and kept asking me not to dip. I had already made my pledge, so naturally caving was not an option.

Then it hit me: the last time I quit it was for a life insurance physical. There are ways of checking to make sure that someone is on the up and up at any moment. So with that in mind, I went on Amazon and bought a 10 pack of cotinine test strips. The cost was under $10 and my wife understands that she can pull a "surprise inspection" on me any time she pleases. For me, it's not about living under a constant threat of being piss-tested as a motivator. Rather, it's all about wanting to be 100% transparent with her after so many years of lies. I think she was a little blown away by the fact that I even suggested it, but gaining that long term trust back through some simple transparency is more important to me than anything. If peeing on a stick will rebuild that trust, pass the water and sign me up.

Since I'm accountable to you all as well, I'd be more than happy to share the results whenever she decides to start tossing bunks.

This is awesome tuco. Never thought of giving that power to the wife to build some trust back. Hell of an idea. Quit with you today.

Good stuff Tuco. My wife has been cautiously optimistic. Every time a big weekend rolls around, when I have guy stuff planned she gets nervous. I might have to get some of those piss testers just to keep her mind at ease. I know I'm quit but it's much harder for her to believe it.

The only way we can prove our quit is one day at a time.

Tuco, everything you just said is a great path to follow. Countless guys would probably wonder why their wife couldn't just trust them and might even get mad at her for it. The simple fact is that they can't trust us because we've spent a whole lot longer burning that bridge than building it. The fact that you can sympathize with that and find a constructive solution is awesome.

[FMBM707]

I'm a big fan of transparency, especially when it comes to matters relating to my quit. I'm finding that it helps every bit as much to be transparent as it does to be accountable. Over the past number of weeks I have received digits from at least a 2-3 dozen of you. Even more of you now have mine. My accountability in a quit has never been higher, and it helps me feel like I'm standing on bedrock when I get up each day and promise to be nic-free.

However, something has been nagging at me for the past few days, and I haven't been able to shake it. I went out fishing with a former dipping buddy of mine the other night and faced down what I thought was going to be a massive trigger. In the end, it turned out to be a complete non-factor and the thought of caving even the tiniest bit never once crossed my mind. I had a few craves, sure, but I dealt with those as I've dealt with all of the rest - seeds, gum, water, breathing, etc. What was nagging at me was the fact that I could tell that my wife was more uneasy about me going fishing than I was. She knows what a cat turd fest those used to be for me and reminded me several times that I am accountable to her and kept asking me not to dip. I had already made my pledge, so naturally caving was not an option.

Then it hit me: the last time I quit it was for a life insurance physical. There are ways of checking to make sure that someone is on the up and up at any moment. So with that in mind, I went on Amazon and bought a 10 pack of cotinine test strips. The cost was under $10 and my wife understands that she can pull a "surprise inspection" on me any time she pleases. For me, it's not about living under a constant threat of being piss-tested as a motivator. Rather, it's all about wanting to be 100% transparent with her after so many years of lies. I think she was a little blown away by the fact that I even suggested it, but gaining that long term trust back through some simple transparency is more important to me than anything. If peeing on a stick will rebuild that trust, pass the water and sign me up.

Since I'm accountable to you all as well, I'd be more than happy to share the results whenever she decides to start tossing bunks.

This is awesome tuco. Never thought of giving that power to the wife to build some trust back. Hell of an idea. Quit with you today.

Good stuff Tuco. My wife has been cautiously optimistic. Every time a big weekend rolls around, when I have guy stuff planned she gets nervous. I might have to get some of those piss testers just to keep her mind at ease. I know I'm quit but it's much harder for her to believe it.

The only way we can prove our quit is one day at a time.

[schaef418]

I'm a big fan of transparency, especially when it comes to matters relating to my quit. I'm finding that it helps every bit as much to be transparent as it does to be accountable. Over the past number of weeks I have received digits from at least a 2-3 dozen of you. Even more of you now have mine. My accountability in a quit has never been higher, and it helps me feel like I'm standing on bedrock when I get up each day and promise to be nic-free.

However, something has been nagging at me for the past few days, and I haven't been able to shake it. I went out fishing with a former dipping buddy of mine the other night and faced down what I thought was going to be a massive trigger. In the end, it turned out to be a complete non-factor and the thought of caving even the tiniest bit never once crossed my mind. I had a few craves, sure, but I dealt with those as I've dealt with all of the rest - seeds, gum, water, breathing, etc. What was nagging at me was the fact that I could tell that my wife was more uneasy about me going fishing than I was. She knows what a cat turd fest those used to be for me and reminded me several times that I am accountable to her and kept asking me not to dip. I had already made my pledge, so naturally caving was not an option.

Then it hit me: the last time I quit it was for a life insurance physical. There are ways of checking to make sure that someone is on the up and up at any moment. So with that in mind, I went on Amazon and bought a 10 pack of cotinine test strips. The cost was under $10 and my wife understands that she can pull a "surprise inspection" on me any time she pleases. For me, it's not about living under a constant threat of being piss-tested as a motivator. Rather, it's all about wanting to be 100% transparent with her after so many years of lies. I think she was a little blown away by the fact that I even suggested it, but gaining that long term trust back through some simple transparency is more important to me than anything. If peeing on a stick will rebuild that trust, pass the water and sign me up.

Since I'm accountable to you all as well, I'd be more than happy to share the results whenever she decides to start tossing bunks.

This is awesome tuco. Never thought of giving that power to the wife to build some trust back. Hell of an idea. Quit with you today.

[Tuco]

I'm a big fan of transparency, especially when it comes to matters relating to my quit. I'm finding that it helps every bit as much to be transparent as it does to be accountable. Over the past number of weeks I have received digits from at least a 2-3 dozen of you. Even more of you now have mine. My accountability in a quit has never been higher, and it helps me feel like I'm standing on bedrock when I get up each day and promise to be nic-free.

However, something has been nagging at me for the past few days, and I haven't been able to shake it. I went out fishing with a former dipping buddy of mine the other night and faced down what I thought was going to be a massive trigger. In the end, it turned out to be a complete non-factor and the thought of caving even the tiniest bit never once crossed my mind. I had a few craves, sure, but I dealt with those as I've dealt with all of the rest - seeds, gum, water, breathing, etc. What was nagging at me was the fact that I could tell that my wife was more uneasy about me going fishing than I was. She knows what a cat turd fest those used to be for me and reminded me several times that I am accountable to her and kept asking me not to dip. I had already made my pledge, so naturally caving was not an option.

Then it hit me: the last time I quit it was for a life insurance physical. There are ways of checking to make sure that someone is on the up and up at any moment. So with that in mind, I went on Amazon and bought a 10 pack of cotinine test strips. The cost was under $10 and my wife understands that she can pull a "surprise inspection" on me any time she pleases. For me, it's not about living under a constant threat of being piss-tested as a motivator. Rather, it's all about wanting to be 100% transparent with her after so many years of lies. I think she was a little blown away by the fact that I even suggested it, but gaining that long term trust back through some simple transparency is more important to me than anything. If peeing on a stick will rebuild that trust, pass the water and sign me up.

Since I'm accountable to you all as well, I'd be more than happy to share the results whenever she decides to start tossing bunks.

[RAZD611]

Day 30.

Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.

Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?

Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)

I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.

Hell yea Tuco. Proud to be quit with you today.

Tuco gets it. Proud to be quit with Tuco today.

Great Job Tuco. Freedom on all fronts is a powerful thing. You're not alone. Glad you're here and doing it hardcore!

:wub:

[30isEnuff]

Day 30.

Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.

Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?

Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)

I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.

Hell yea Tuco. Proud to be quit with you today.

Tuco gets it. Proud to be quit with Tuco today.

Great Job Tuco. Freedom on all fronts is a powerful thing. You're not alone. Glad you're here and doing it hardcore!

[Thumblewort]

It's a Breaking Bad thing, I get it now! Proud to be quit with you today.

[Steakbomb18]

Not sure why I’m thinking about it so much lately, but I’ve been running through a particular ‘cave post-mortem’ in my mind a good bit these past few days.

They say that dwelling on the past is about as productive as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. While that is certainly true, I've always believed in the axiom that those that don't study the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them in the future. For some reason, my thoughts keep wandering back to my most recent stop beginning in early February and lasting almost to the end of March. Not so much a lament of what could have or should have been, but rather the why. Why did I go almost 2 months completely cold turkey and then just up and cave? What happened in those nearly 2 months that made me ultimately decide it was ok to completely throw away everything I had fought for?

Thinking back on why I quit, and as many of you guys with young families can relate, this is the time when many of us opt for extra life insurance to protect our families should something happen to us. Part of the application process is getting a blood test where they check for all manner of things - including evidence of tobacco use. A few days before the physical, my wife reminded me that they would be looking for nicotine and asked somewhat hesitantly if I would be clean. Up to that point, she thought that I would very occasionally dip with a buddy of mine when we got together for beers, fishing, tying flies, etc. I lied and told her it had been months since I had dipped and that everything should be Ok. Then, in a panic I went to the Google machine and tried to find out as much as I could about nicotine detection in blood tests. As it turns out, nicotine has a very short half-life and (as we all know) is completely out of the system within 72 hours. However, a different byproduct called cotinine can remain in the system anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks. Guess which one the insurance companies look for. The next night I "came clean" to my wife and told her that while I hadn't been dipping, I had been using those (ratfucked) Commit lozenges on occasion and that the blood test would still be able to detect those. She was pretty annoyed at my obvious weakness for not being able to give up those lozenges, but she was relatively understanding and got on the phone to reschedule the physical for later in the month.

While I was relieved to have seemingly dodged that bullet of my wife finding out the truth, I still had to deal with the stark reality that my one and only option was to quit cold turkey. I quickly accepted my fate, stocked up on a ton of trident gum, and even came to the KTC main site to read "inspirational articles" and reviews on various brands of fake stuff. Day by day, I white knuckled my way through that quit. I even went out to California for a week for work; which I thought would be a huge trigger. In the past, work trips were coveted time since it meant I could go full-on dippus uninteruptus. No risk of getting caught when you're 3,000 miles away. I even confided in a work buddy over beers one night while I was out there that I had finally kicked the shit a few weeks prior. He was literally the one and only person that I told I had quit dipping. Towards the end of March, the entire family packed up and headed down to visit my folks in Florida. The first 3 or 4 days we were there were absolutely no sweat. I had zero triggers other than some dull nagging craves when I would drink. Later in the week we went to Disney for a few days. Granted, going to Disney can be an utterly demoralizing, nuts in a car door experience, but the first day and a half were smooth sailing. Then, for some reason that I still for the life of me can't recall, it somehow came to mind to get a tin and go to town on that bitch. I don't mean get a tin for "just one" and then chuck it. I mean, tackle that fucker end-to-end, top-to-bottom, and side-to-side. So, that's exactly what I did. After we got back to the hotel at the end of the second day, I made up some bullshit excuse about needing to gas up the car before we leave in the morning since it's "really sketchy" in and around Orlando. After googling “places to buy chewing tobacco at Disney World” (cringe), I took off like a man on a mission, found a gas station with a c-store up the road and plunked down the cash for a fresh tin.

I probably polished off half of the tin that night - most of which was while my wife and daughter slept in the bed right beside me. I remember waking up the next day feeling next to zero remorse. Frankly, my chief concern at that point was how I was going to smuggle that tin safely out of there since my wife and I were sharing a suitcase. Of course, I figured out a way to stash it in one of the pockets of my pants and then successfully packed it away while my wife was none the wiser. Cave complete.

Why am I writing all of this? Quite literally, I had no idea why until I just finished typing out the final recounting of what happened. The fact that this particular cave had been bugging me quite a bit was apparent, but the reasons for the cave werenÂ’t so obvious until I took a step back, put pen to paper, and started to connect the dots. Now, the reasons why I caved are gin clear:

1) I didn't quit for me, I quit for an insurance blood test.
2) I based my quit on a foundation of lies.
3) I browsed KTC a bit, but I never joined, never participated, and certainly never posted roll.
4) I told exactly 1 person outside of my wife that I had quit. (Way to build that accountability.)
5) I reached for my phone and googled places to buy a can at WDW, rather than shoot an SOS to my quit brothers that were never there to begin with.

So what lead me to cave, exactly? Was it because I had waited in so many endless fucking lines to get on the Dumbo ride yet again? Or was it because I was on vacation and just wanted to relax and really enjoy myself just like the good old days? It was none of those things. I could have caved because the sky was blue or my rental car was a Nissan. I was still going to cave. It was inevitable. Not a matter of if, but when. Just looking at the trail of cave crumbs I left along the way from Day 1 and it is becoming so painfully obvious to me now.

Keep posting this good stuff Tuco. It'll help you and others. Dwelling on the past isn't productive but reflecting on it and learning from it is positive. Quit with you any day.

Good post. You are facing your addiction head on and not pulling any punches. Fuck nic.

Tuco, you have made it very clear from the get go that you have been a habitual stopper and caver before coming here. That took guts from the get go. When people cave and come back to answer the 3 questions, if they put in half the effort of self reflection you have been putting into your past experiences we would be considerably more gracious to them in welcoming them back. You, my friend, have taken the quit to a whole new level.

The knowledge you kick through self reflection and past experience is making my quit stronger as well as many others. Your quit is inspiring. Don't ever stop again, keep quitting, and in doing so you'll be helping to save the lives of many others. You are a F'in badass quitter.

[Grizzlyhasclaws]

Not sure why I’m thinking about it so much lately, but I’ve been running through a particular ‘cave post-mortem’ in my mind a good bit these past few days.

They say that dwelling on the past is about as productive as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. While that is certainly true, I've always believed in the axiom that those that don't study the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them in the future. For some reason, my thoughts keep wandering back to my most recent stop beginning in early February and lasting almost to the end of March. Not so much a lament of what could have or should have been, but rather the why. Why did I go almost 2 months completely cold turkey and then just up and cave? What happened in those nearly 2 months that made me ultimately decide it was ok to completely throw away everything I had fought for?

Thinking back on why I quit, and as many of you guys with young families can relate, this is the time when many of us opt for extra life insurance to protect our families should something happen to us. Part of the application process is getting a blood test where they check for all manner of things - including evidence of tobacco use. A few days before the physical, my wife reminded me that they would be looking for nicotine and asked somewhat hesitantly if I would be clean. Up to that point, she thought that I would very occasionally dip with a buddy of mine when we got together for beers, fishing, tying flies, etc. I lied and told her it had been months since I had dipped and that everything should be Ok. Then, in a panic I went to the Google machine and tried to find out as much as I could about nicotine detection in blood tests. As it turns out, nicotine has a very short half-life and (as we all know) is completely out of the system within 72 hours. However, a different byproduct called cotinine can remain in the system anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks. Guess which one the insurance companies look for. The next night I "came clean" to my wife and told her that while I hadn't been dipping, I had been using those (ratfucked) Commit lozenges on occasion and that the blood test would still be able to detect those. She was pretty annoyed at my obvious weakness for not being able to give up those lozenges, but she was relatively understanding and got on the phone to reschedule the physical for later in the month.

While I was relieved to have seemingly dodged that bullet of my wife finding out the truth, I still had to deal with the stark reality that my one and only option was to quit cold turkey. I quickly accepted my fate, stocked up on a ton of trident gum, and even came to the KTC main site to read "inspirational articles" and reviews on various brands of fake stuff. Day by day, I white knuckled my way through that quit. I even went out to California for a week for work; which I thought would be a huge trigger. In the past, work trips were coveted time since it meant I could go full-on dippus uninteruptus. No risk of getting caught when you're 3,000 miles away. I even confided in a work buddy over beers one night while I was out there that I had finally kicked the shit a few weeks prior. He was literally the one and only person that I told I had quit dipping. Towards the end of March, the entire family packed up and headed down to visit my folks in Florida. The first 3 or 4 days we were there were absolutely no sweat. I had zero triggers other than some dull nagging craves when I would drink. Later in the week we went to Disney for a few days. Granted, going to Disney can be an utterly demoralizing, nuts in a car door experience, but the first day and a half were smooth sailing. Then, for some reason that I still for the life of me can't recall, it somehow came to mind to get a tin and go to town on that bitch. I don't mean get a tin for "just one" and then chuck it. I mean, tackle that fucker end-to-end, top-to-bottom, and side-to-side. So, that's exactly what I did. After we got back to the hotel at the end of the second day, I made up some bullshit excuse about needing to gas up the car before we leave in the morning since it's "really sketchy" in and around Orlando. After googling “places to buy chewing tobacco at Disney World” (cringe), I took off like a man on a mission, found a gas station with a c-store up the road and plunked down the cash for a fresh tin.

I probably polished off half of the tin that night - most of which was while my wife and daughter slept in the bed right beside me. I remember waking up the next day feeling next to zero remorse. Frankly, my chief concern at that point was how I was going to smuggle that tin safely out of there since my wife and I were sharing a suitcase. Of course, I figured out a way to stash it in one of the pockets of my pants and then successfully packed it away while my wife was none the wiser. Cave complete.

Why am I writing all of this? Quite literally, I had no idea why until I just finished typing out the final recounting of what happened. The fact that this particular cave had been bugging me quite a bit was apparent, but the reasons for the cave werenÂ’t so obvious until I took a step back, put pen to paper, and started to connect the dots. Now, the reasons why I caved are gin clear:

1) I didn't quit for me, I quit for an insurance blood test.
2) I based my quit on a foundation of lies.
3) I browsed KTC a bit, but I never joined, never participated, and certainly never posted roll.
4) I told exactly 1 person outside of my wife that I had quit. (Way to build that accountability.)
5) I reached for my phone and googled places to buy a can at WDW, rather than shoot an SOS to my quit brothers that were never there to begin with.

So what lead me to cave, exactly? Was it because I had waited in so many endless fucking lines to get on the Dumbo ride yet again? Or was it because I was on vacation and just wanted to relax and really enjoy myself just like the good old days? It was none of those things. I could have caved because the sky was blue or my rental car was a Nissan. I was still going to cave. It was inevitable. Not a matter of if, but when. Just looking at the trail of cave crumbs I left along the way from Day 1 and it is becoming so painfully obvious to me now.

Keep posting this good stuff Tuco. It'll help you and others. Dwelling on the past isn't productive but reflecting on it and learning from it is positive. Quit with you any day.

Good post. You are facing your addiction head on and not pulling any punches. Fuck nic.

[FMBM707]

Not sure why I’m thinking about it so much lately, but I’ve been running through a particular ‘cave post-mortem’ in my mind a good bit these past few days.

They say that dwelling on the past is about as productive as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. While that is certainly true, I've always believed in the axiom that those that don't study the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them in the future. For some reason, my thoughts keep wandering back to my most recent stop beginning in early February and lasting almost to the end of March. Not so much a lament of what could have or should have been, but rather the why. Why did I go almost 2 months completely cold turkey and then just up and cave? What happened in those nearly 2 months that made me ultimately decide it was ok to completely throw away everything I had fought for?

Thinking back on why I quit, and as many of you guys with young families can relate, this is the time when many of us opt for extra life insurance to protect our families should something happen to us. Part of the application process is getting a blood test where they check for all manner of things - including evidence of tobacco use. A few days before the physical, my wife reminded me that they would be looking for nicotine and asked somewhat hesitantly if I would be clean. Up to that point, she thought that I would very occasionally dip with a buddy of mine when we got together for beers, fishing, tying flies, etc. I lied and told her it had been months since I had dipped and that everything should be Ok. Then, in a panic I went to the Google machine and tried to find out as much as I could about nicotine detection in blood tests. As it turns out, nicotine has a very short half-life and (as we all know) is completely out of the system within 72 hours. However, a different byproduct called cotinine can remain in the system anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks. Guess which one the insurance companies look for. The next night I "came clean" to my wife and told her that while I hadn't been dipping, I had been using those (ratfucked) Commit lozenges on occasion and that the blood test would still be able to detect those. She was pretty annoyed at my obvious weakness for not being able to give up those lozenges, but she was relatively understanding and got on the phone to reschedule the physical for later in the month.

While I was relieved to have seemingly dodged that bullet of my wife finding out the truth, I still had to deal with the stark reality that my one and only option was to quit cold turkey. I quickly accepted my fate, stocked up on a ton of trident gum, and even came to the KTC main site to read "inspirational articles" and reviews on various brands of fake stuff. Day by day, I white knuckled my way through that quit. I even went out to California for a week for work; which I thought would be a huge trigger. In the past, work trips were coveted time since it meant I could go full-on dippus uninteruptus. No risk of getting caught when you're 3,000 miles away. I even confided in a work buddy over beers one night while I was out there that I had finally kicked the shit a few weeks prior. He was literally the one and only person that I told I had quit dipping. Towards the end of March, the entire family packed up and headed down to visit my folks in Florida. The first 3 or 4 days we were there were absolutely no sweat. I had zero triggers other than some dull nagging craves when I would drink. Later in the week we went to Disney for a few days. Granted, going to Disney can be an utterly demoralizing, nuts in a car door experience, but the first day and a half were smooth sailing. Then, for some reason that I still for the life of me can't recall, it somehow came to mind to get a tin and go to town on that bitch. I don't mean get a tin for "just one" and then chuck it. I mean, tackle that fucker end-to-end, top-to-bottom, and side-to-side. So, that's exactly what I did. After we got back to the hotel at the end of the second day, I made up some bullshit excuse about needing to gas up the car before we leave in the morning since it's "really sketchy" in and around Orlando. After googling “places to buy chewing tobacco at Disney World” (cringe), I took off like a man on a mission, found a gas station with a c-store up the road and plunked down the cash for a fresh tin.

I probably polished off half of the tin that night - most of which was while my wife and daughter slept in the bed right beside me. I remember waking up the next day feeling next to zero remorse. Frankly, my chief concern at that point was how I was going to smuggle that tin safely out of there since my wife and I were sharing a suitcase. Of course, I figured out a way to stash it in one of the pockets of my pants and then successfully packed it away while my wife was none the wiser. Cave complete.

Why am I writing all of this? Quite literally, I had no idea why until I just finished typing out the final recounting of what happened. The fact that this particular cave had been bugging me quite a bit was apparent, but the reasons for the cave werenÂ’t so obvious until I took a step back, put pen to paper, and started to connect the dots. Now, the reasons why I caved are gin clear:

1) I didn't quit for me, I quit for an insurance blood test.
2) I based my quit on a foundation of lies.
3) I browsed KTC a bit, but I never joined, never participated, and certainly never posted roll.
4) I told exactly 1 person outside of my wife that I had quit. (Way to build that accountability.)
5) I reached for my phone and googled places to buy a can at WDW, rather than shoot an SOS to my quit brothers that were never there to begin with.

So what lead me to cave, exactly? Was it because I had waited in so many endless fucking lines to get on the Dumbo ride yet again? Or was it because I was on vacation and just wanted to relax and really enjoy myself just like the good old days? It was none of those things. I could have caved because the sky was blue or my rental car was a Nissan. I was still going to cave. It was inevitable. Not a matter of if, but when. Just looking at the trail of cave crumbs I left along the way from Day 1 and it is becoming so painfully obvious to me now.

Keep posting this good stuff Tuco. It'll help you and others. Dwelling on the past isn't productive but reflecting on it and learning from it is positive. Quit with you any day.