Hi All,
First, and most importantly, I quit dip (and NRT for that matter) completely and for good 3 days ago. I'm just done. I'm putting the rational side in the driver's seat instead of the addict for the first time in a long time, and admitting that I have a serious problem with nicotine addiction and that I can't quit and stay quit alone.
Some background on me: I'm 36 and have been a regular dipper for a little over 4 years now. Prior to that, I was a cigarette smoker off and (mostly) on since I was a teenager. About 13 years ago, I came across a different board for quitting smoking, and with the help and support of some folks over there I quit for 4.5 years. I was so involved in the site, I was even a mod for a time. I was so confident, so sure of myself and my quit around that time that it never once occurred to me that I could allow myself to fail and get sucked back in. The rational side of me knew all along that 1 puff = 1 pack = full-blown smoking again and that I would be a nicotine addict for the rest of my life. Yet, after almost 5 years clean, I had let my guard down completely and left myself wide open for the demon to come crawling back in. At the same time, I was feeling too much shame/pride to go back and admit that I had relapsed and ask for help, so I went full-on ninja closet smoker/dipper for the next 9+ years. When my wife was pregnant with our daughter, I was finally able to stop smoking cigarettes early in 2010 thanks to the "help" of NRT. All I was doing was leap-frogging from one poison delivery method to the next when I went from cigarettes to NRT to chew/NRT. Ironically, back when I was smoking, I thought dipping was about as foul of a habit as you could get. It obviously didn't take me long to ditch that notion and start romanticizing dip all the same once I had picked it up.
My wife thought I was completely nic-free from the time I gave up cigarettes until just a few months ago when I was finally forced to admit that I had been dipping and using NRT ever since. I even stopped for almost 2 months after that, but quickly found my way back on it once I felt that the "heat" was off. Crazy stupid. To think that I got myself through the worst of the first few weeks, and actually started to feel normal and free for the first time in a long time, only to dive right back in head first... Addicts are many things, but rational is not one of them.
I can't say there was any one thing that's caused me to snap and make this change the day I did. Probably been building and festering for a long while now. I can remember always thinking things to myself like, "I need to quit soon. It'd be bullshit if I'm still dipping this time next year" but we all know that the addict's brain has a keen sense for punting on those sorts of things. It's all part of the great, big ball of lies that we tell ourselves and others when we're using.
So, here I am. This was the 4th consecutive morning that I made a promise to myself and others that I wouldn't let nicotine near my body, no matter what. It feels liberating, but I also know that that I can't do this 100% alone.
