This is Hell on Earth!

[Steakbomb18]

I just wanted to post an update on my first week. First, I am super thankful for everyone here! I love coming to the site and reading people's stories, for some reason itÂ’s really helpful. I really didn't think it would help but for some reason it motivation to learn about how others are overcoming their past habits etc... So, because I'm grateful for other's stories here is a little bit more of mine.

When I was a sophomore college my Dad died from throat cancer of all things. It started in his throat, then after chemo and radiation immediately spread to his lungs and liver. His type of cancer was nicknamed by the Doctors "The smoker/ Drinker Cancer" But.....He never smoked, or dipped a day in his life, and barely drank. I was so fucking angry at the irony of his illness/ death that when I saw my friends dipping and smoking after that point, I was like, fuck it, what difference does it make if dip can kill you, my pops didn't touch the shit and he still died. Pretty stupid 19/20 yr old logic but I was young, heartbroken, seriously angry and before you know it I was dipping while drinking and pretty soon I was hooked. The worst part, the part that makes me feel the most guilt is that the more I did it, the more I genuinely enjoyed it. I would tell people I was gonna quit, but I honestly did not want to. I loved it. In the beginning I never felt like I needed it, I just fucking wanted more of it. I guess that's the sneaky part of addiction... Looking back now I feel so fucking stupid for risking my life, my livelihood, (I'm a singer/ voice actor). As I look back on the escalation of my addiction I am amazed how I let it happen.

When I first started in college, I would dip while in class, I would dip all night while I was bar-tending, I'd just lean into the sink and wash my hands and spit into the drain. After a couple years of doing a can every few days, I began dipping first thing in the morning. I'd throw one in right before I hopped into the shower. After the shower I'd take it out, (save it) brush my teeth, and put it right back in. I'd leave it in all morning until about 10. Have a coffee, put another bomb in there until lunch. Eat, another banger or two until the end of work. Swap that out for a fresh one for the ride home, and while I'm home I finish off the can and run to the store to get another one for the next day. If I wasn't sleeping or eating, I was dipping.

I finally, recently, started to realize how big of a grip it had on my life because my girlfriend started to speak up, sheÂ’s been with me for 10 years so she's noticed the escalation. She'd say "I never see you without it, IÂ’m worried about youÂ… I donÂ’t want you to ruin your lifeÂ…our lives." I would get so fucking mad at her for saying anything at all that I would leave the room or storm out of the house. How unfair for me to punish her for wanting me to stay alive. Subconsciously I knew I had a major problem, but just wasn't ready to admit it, because despite the senselessness of my fatherÂ’s death, and the fact that I knew this could very well kill me. I still was secretly in love with it. What a horrible love story.

I could go on forever, as I know many of you could, but these were some thoughts on my mind today. I apologize if this is a bit scattered, IÂ’m still in a heavy Fog even on Day 7. As hard as this week has been IÂ’m proud of myself for staying quit each day for 7 days. I will keep it up, and I hope you all will too.

-T_Roy

This is one helluva post and you best re-read this from time to time. It's the perfect revelation by an addict who meets the quitter for the first time once the fog lifts. Promise yourself that you'll never be this guy again. As of this post, I'm 22+ months into my young quit - and I still promise myself to never be the person who got me here in the first place. Ever.

[T_Roy]

T-Roy thanks for posting this. You are lucky to have someone in your life that has the courage to speak up against your addiction and tell you how it really is.

Remember, this quit is for your life and your future. You didn't start because of your dad and you didn't stop because of your girlfriend. All the decisions we make are ours and ours alone. BUT, the most important part of that last statement is that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING CAN MAKE YOU CAVE BUT YOU. Go back and look through the site if you want, but I don't think you'll find any cave story that says "I caved because some guy put a gun to my head and MADE me throw a lip of dirt in my mouth." This is on you now, T_Roy and we are all here to support you. If you never make the decision to put nicotine back in your body, you will be nic-free for the rest of your life! But we'll start by focusing on today, haha. Quit with you, ODAAT.

Thanks! I sure am lucky I have people that care about me enough to try to get me to care about myself.

ODAAT!

[T_Roy]

T-Roy, this is EXACTLY what you should be doing. It may be a little scatter-brained for awhile, but by typing out that expose, you are coming to grips with the depth of your (our) addiction. In the words of wisdom, there is a Youtube story about Sean Marsee. He was 18 or so when he found at he had cancer, and he died before he turned 20. One day his brother was driving him to his chemo appointment and watched Sean pop a dip in. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?? He was fighting for his life, but could not give up the very thing that caused that fight.

This is some serious shit we've gotten ourselves into, but one thing has helped me get over that hurdle: we can't change yesterday and we can't do anything about tomorrow yet. Meaning, the only thing you can control in this battle is the choices you make for today. Today I have posted roll and taken using nicotine off the table. Very near the top of my priority list is keeping that promise today. I quit with at least as much effort as I put into dipping. That's not always easy when you think about how often we had that crap in our mouths, but if you don't do everything possible in your power to keep nic at bay, she'll sneak back into your life when you least expect it.

I can't imagine the heartbreak you felt when your dad passed, but don't selfishly put anybody in your family through the same thing. Your dad didn't have control over how he died, but you might. Don't succumb to the temptress ODAAT and you will have done everything you can do today to avoid the dangers of that poisonous can.

Again well done posting your thoughts. It seems weird at first to lay it out there for a bunch of internet readers, but the more you put out there, the more invested your brothers and sisters will become, thereby increasing your chances for success.

Thanks KingNothing! I did watch the Sean Marsee story and It is heartbreaking to see that kind of helplessness what a terribly sad story. You are right about everything, today is all that matters, and I sure as shit don't want to put my family through cancer again.

[canless2014]

T-Roy thanks for posting this. You are lucky to have someone in your life that has the courage to speak up against your addiction and tell you how it really is.

Remember, this quit is for your life and your future. You didn't start because of your dad and you didn't stop because of your girlfriend. All the decisions we make are ours and ours alone. BUT, the most important part of that last statement is that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING CAN MAKE YOU CAVE BUT YOU. Go back and look through the site if you want, but I don't think you'll find any cave story that says "I caved because some guy put a gun to my head and MADE me throw a lip of dirt in my mouth." This is on you now, T_Roy and we are all here to support you. If you never make the decision to put nicotine back in your body, you will be nic-free for the rest of your life! But we'll start by focusing on today, haha. Quit with you, ODAAT.

[Thumblewort]

If it's hell on Earth then you are doing it right! It's gonna suck until it doesn't!

[KingNothing]

T-Roy, this is EXACTLY what you should be doing. It may be a little scatter-brained for awhile, but by typing out that expose, you are coming to grips with the depth of your (our) addiction. In the words of wisdom, there is a Youtube story about Sean Marsee. He was 18 or so when he found at he had cancer, and he died before he turned 20. One day his brother was driving him to his chemo appointment and watched Sean pop a dip in. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?? He was fighting for his life, but could not give up the very thing that caused that fight.

This is some serious shit we've gotten ourselves into, but one thing has helped me get over that hurdle: we can't change yesterday and we can't do anything about tomorrow yet. Meaning, the only thing you can control in this battle is the choices you make for today. Today I have posted roll and taken using nicotine off the table. Very near the top of my priority list is keeping that promise today. I quit with at least as much effort as I put into dipping. That's not always easy when you think about how often we had that crap in our mouths, but if you don't do everything possible in your power to keep nic at bay, she'll sneak back into your life when you least expect it.

I can't imagine the heartbreak you felt when your dad passed, but don't selfishly put anybody in your family through the same thing. Your dad didn't have control over how he died, but you might. Don't succumb to the temptress ODAAT and you will have done everything you can do today to avoid the dangers of that poisonous can.

Again well done posting your thoughts. It seems weird at first to lay it out there for a bunch of internet readers, but the more you put out there, the more invested your brothers and sisters will become, thereby increasing your chances for success.

[T_Roy]

I just wanted to post an update on my first week. First, I am super thankful for everyone here! I love coming to the site and reading people's stories, for some reason itÂ’s really helpful. I really didn't think it would help but for some reason it motivation to learn about how others are overcoming their past habits etc... So, because I'm grateful for other's stories here is a little bit more of mine.

When I was a sophomore college my Dad died from throat cancer of all things. It started in his throat, then after chemo and radiation immediately spread to his lungs and liver. His type of cancer was nicknamed by the Doctors "The smoker/ Drinker Cancer" But.....He never smoked, or dipped a day in his life, and barely drank. I was so fucking angry at the irony of his illness/ death that when I saw my friends dipping and smoking after that point, I was like, fuck it, what difference does it make if dip can kill you, my pops didn't touch the shit and he still died. Pretty stupid 19/20 yr old logic but I was young, heartbroken, seriously angry and before you know it I was dipping while drinking and pretty soon I was hooked. The worst part, the part that makes me feel the most guilt is that the more I did it, the more I genuinely enjoyed it. I would tell people I was gonna quit, but I honestly did not want to. I loved it. In the beginning I never felt like I needed it, I just fucking wanted more of it. I guess that's the sneaky part of addiction... Looking back now I feel so fucking stupid for risking my life, my livelihood, (I'm a singer/ voice actor). As I look back on the escalation of my addiction I am amazed how I let it happen.

When I first started in college, I would dip while in class, I would dip all night while I was bar-tending, I'd just lean into the sink and wash my hands and spit into the drain. After a couple years of doing a can every few days, I began dipping first thing in the morning. I'd throw one in right before I hopped into the shower. After the shower I'd take it out, (save it) brush my teeth, and put it right back in. I'd leave it in all morning until about 10. Have a coffee, put another bomb in there until lunch. Eat, another banger or two until the end of work. Swap that out for a fresh one for the ride home, and while I'm home I finish off the can and run to the store to get another one for the next day. If I wasn't sleeping or eating, I was dipping.

I finally, recently, started to realize how big of a grip it had on my life because my girlfriend started to speak up, sheÂ’s been with me for 10 years so she's noticed the escalation. She'd say "I never see you without it, IÂ’m worried about youÂ… I donÂ’t want you to ruin your lifeÂ…our lives." I would get so fucking mad at her for saying anything at all that I would leave the room or storm out of the house. How unfair for me to punish her for wanting me to stay alive. Subconsciously I knew I had a major problem, but just wasn't ready to admit it, because despite the senselessness of my fatherÂ’s death, and the fact that I knew this could very well kill me. I still was secretly in love with it. What a horrible love story.

I could go on forever, as I know many of you could, but these were some thoughts on my mind today. I apologize if this is a bit scattered, IÂ’m still in a heavy Fog even on Day 7. As hard as this week has been IÂ’m proud of myself for staying quit each day for 7 days. I will keep it up, and I hope you all will too.

-T_Roy

[T_Roy]

Ok Changed the date and will dig in. Thanks!

[KingNothing]

Ok I think i did it right. Thanks for your help!

Welcome to the nut house! You might want to change your quit date on your profile to avoid any confusion. That date is the first day you did not input any nic into your system (i.e. lozenges are still nic). Congrats on the best decision you could possible make today! Read everything you can on the site to truly understand the war we wage (and why). Way to stick with it T_Roy, it gets a lot better.

[T_Roy]

Ok I think i did it right. Thanks for your help!

[Mike23mx]

Still trying to figure out how to do the roll call... I'm confused

you click "quote" on the latest roll post.

You select all of the text in the "Quoting" box--cut it (CTRL-X or use mouse)

Move to the top box and paste the text. Insert your name at the end of the roll list (not the supporters list).


AND--just wanted to point out. This is NOT hell. Hell is what happens when you don't quit and cancer hits you and your family has to watch you die or see your go through treatment. That's the hell we are trying to avoid by getting tobacco out of our lives.

[T_Roy]

Still trying to figure out how to do the roll call... I'm confused

[syndrome]

man t roy we gots to get you on roll call. go check out the wellcome center sepshully parts 2, 3, and 4. then head over to january 2016 just like fowl mouth told ya back a cuppel a posts ago. get your name on roll man.

[quark]

I can't believe how horrible I feel right now.
Yesterday I had cold sweats all day,
a headache I can't even describe,
and I felt like I was going to throw up all day.
My stress level is going through the roof just from the anticipation

That is your poem of misery using your own words. Look at what a grip nicotine has on your life! You would be a fool to give up and go back to slavery when this shit does this to you!

You only need to anticipate one day at a time. Make your promise to stay quit one day at a time, and then be true to your promise. Soon every one of those symptoms is going to go away.

[invader]

Hey T!

What the others said is all true. And believe me, we all know how bad the first few days sucks. But I promise you that you won't feel like this forever, and it isn't going to kill you. Anxiety and stress is a great indication that the poison is leaving your system, a process that takes about three days. As others have mentioned, water and exercise of any sort is your friend. Even a walk can help give your mind and body something to do.